A\n: One of my best, best, best friends in the whole world just told me that she cant go to high school with me & the rest of my friends anymore because her moms life has gone off track. They are moving in with her grandparents, and she has to go to a weird school I have never heard of before. I was crying my eyeballs out, and I felt like I needed to write this to help me vent- I mean I have known her since ever! And we have always planned to go to high school together. :(
A\n: No I am not a depressed person, suicidal, or bipolar- I just took the pain I felt, and forced it into unknown territory. But if you know anyone, or you are someone that needs help there are people, and places that can help. I also haven't had any experience with rape, but if you, or someone you now has- there is hope, and help. Suicide isn't the way.
Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly, or Viva la Gloria (Little girl) by Greenday
Little girl, little girl
Why are you crying?
Inside your restless soul
Your heart is dying
Dear Diary,
I feel like death its self. That wherever I go, I drag death, hopelessness, and destruction with me; I bring horror to the lives of people that I care about. People see my shell. Not who I am. Inside I am a nerves wreck, I feel lost in my own skin. Like I am trapped in a strangers eyes looking out into a world that I wish to escape.
Little one, little one
Your soul is purging
Of love and razor blades
Your blood is surging
When I grab the razor, and gash into my skin I feel nothing, No pain. Just relief- it's a distraction from the game I play with myself. From the act I put up.
Runaway
From the river to the street
And find yourself with your face in the gutter
You're a stray for the Salvation Army
There is no place like home
When you got no place to go
Years ago when iCarly existed, my head was kept above water, by the people close to me. When I was five years old my dad raped me. He duck taped my mouth shut- and tied my arms to the bedposts…I screamed, but no help came…
Little girl, little girl
Your life is calling
The charlatans and saints
Of your abandon
…People swore that he would be caught, but to this day he still roams free. The memory of his twisted face in my brain; the face that is my so-called father. Then man that gave me life, and took away my virtue. Abandoned us... My mom left the next year, and I moved in with my grandparents, and my crazy Aunt Joan; the figure that I based my "real mom" off of. Carly still thinks it was my mom she met that day.
Little one, little one
The sky is falling
Your lifeboat of deception
Is now sailing
I always thought that my life was normal… well acted like it- even if deep down inside I knew I was never going to be "NORMAL". Abandoned by my mom, raped by my dad, half of my family in jail...
In the wake all the way
No rhyme or reason
Your bloodshot eyes
Will show your heart of treason
…Then last year it happened, I had to turn in my Grandparents to the police when I came home and found them selling drugs.
Little girl, little girl
You dirty liar
You're just a junkie
Preaching to the choir
Somehow my Grandparents convinced the police I was the junkie, and it was the lie of all lies that they would be involved in the black market. So I ran.
Runaway
From the river to the street
And find yourself with your face in the gutter
You're a stray for the Salvation Army
There is no place like home
When you got no place to go
…I left everything I cared about, my friends, my school, and my soul mate that would never know that he was mine. The boy who was my first kiss, the guy I handed my broken heart over to, and held it together.
The traces of blood
Always follow you home
Like the mascara tears
From your getaway
(Gloria!)
You're walking with blisters
And running with shears
So unholy
Sister of grace
No matter how I separate myself, it will always comeback to haunt me… So I will separate myself in the easiest, simplest way. And nothing of me will remain. Just a rope on a tree in the park, and my body suspended. Lifeless, and free. My spirit dancing in the trees. The wind bowing my hair, echoing my name.
Runaway
From the river to the street
And Find yourself with your face in the gutter
You're a stray from the Salvation Army
There is no place like home it is said. But what about those with no home to go to- and then people tell you that home is were your heart is. My heart? My heart is a shattered mess. Well- where is your family they ask? What family? The only one i have left has terminal cancer; my sister, and is going to die. At this moment, the only one i care about; Freddie doesn't love me that way. He loves me as a sister, like he does Carly. The girl of many faces. The girl you can't trust. She after all was the one that told Freddie i love him. And screwed up my life. I was happy in my fantasy world- the one in which everything was perfectly normal. Then Freddie broke my heart because of her, and Carly, and my friendship went down the drain. iCarly ended, and there was no hiding it. The fact i was a worthless soul.
When my body is found, tell my sister i am sorry, and that i will see her soon. Tell Freddie i loved him with all my heart, and he was the one that kept me together before our friendship ended. Carly that i don't hate her, or love her, Spenc that i will miss him dearly. Better yet have them read this. So they know it all, and see that life isn't the fake sweet thing it is made out to be- that this Diary entry found in my pocket is small evidence that my chiz of a life is one of many.
Samantha (Sam) Puckett