Mystical Knight Dragon: I wrote this during class while we were watching The Patriot. It's basically just a bunch of snippets where Col. Tavington has time to throw a party. The scenes are in order of the movie scenes since I just wrote them down as I watched it.
Background Information: My friend fairiesrmean wrote a story called Home Is Only a State of Mind (on FictionPress.Com) and based one of her characters (Lakarte) off of a review of Colonel Tavington. One day, I was talking to her about her book, and I said something to the extent of, "Yeah, that'd be a pretty interesting visit... 'Heeeeeey, Rashan! You remember your daughter, don't you? Well...now we're in a whole lot of shit because Aletan has her. But don't worry 'cause Lakarte knows how to throw one hell of a party!'" Then we made Lakarte's version on how to throw a party, and I decided to do Tavington's version. Follow me?
Disclaimer: I don't own The Patriot, but I do own this idea....partially. Fairiesrmean owns the other part... ;P
Colonel William Tavington's "How to Throw One Hell of a Kick-Ass Party"
Did a ship with half of your army and your only way to get back just blow up because of enemy troops? Drink it up and dance with the airhead on your right! (Whoo! Fireworks! ...Of course that was supposed to happen! I wouldn't be drinking if it wasn't! ...Hey, when did you get a twin? Ah, who cares? The more the merrier! passes out)
If the enemy retreats over a river, don't follow them. There's nothing worse than wet beer. ...Unless the river is icy cold... Then leave the beer in a safe, really cold spot, follow them, and kill them. Motivation: Icy cold beer upon your return! Plus, once you get back, there won't be as many people since they were all killed, so more for you!
Did the enemy just steal your master's dogs? Well...they were mutts in the first place, but...throw a search party! Be head of your search team! Crank up the music and bring the keg!
Little kids evading you? Lure them out with some marijuana. There's bound to be some around somewhere... They're Americans, aren't they? And then no one will care when you "accidentally" drop your lighter and set their house on fire...
Just order a church to be burned? Man, you're stoned! Make sure you don't get your beer in that fire or else there will be a devastating effect: You'll have less alcohol! (Not to mention a HUGE explosion, but you don't have to worry about that, right?) Be tried in the name of God, you sinful heathen and SAVE THE ALCOHOL!
Did the enemy just charge at you while you were shaving? Offer them a shot. Maybe then they'll go away. But remember to save the best tequila for yourself! You'll need it for the victory party later! And after you spear the hottest guy in the whole movie, send a "Whee! I just won a battle!" letter to King George for an alcohol refill. Gotta celebrate the victories, right?
Just get shot? Drink up your last moments of life! Get wasted! Use the "I only have ten minutes left to live. Want to bear my children?" line on every woman in sight! Señor Cuervo—TO THE RESCUE!
Mystical Knight Dragon: Yeah, that was really weird, wasn't it? Can we say "tired?" ' Anyways, I would be very grateful if you reviewed. But please don't flame. I have very strong opinions about flames. I mean, why would you take the time to go all the way to a bottom of a fic, push the review button, wait for the screen to load, write whyyou hated it (sometimes using at least 500 words! O), click submit, and then finally go along your merry way? It doesn't make any sense. Someone please enlighten me...and review. '