Authors Note: I watched the season premiere last night (it comes on Wed nights on Global…no fair that they get it first, but thanks to the folks that put the link out there to watch the episode online!) I was inspired by what Booth must have been thinking while he was waiting for Bones to get back, waiting to see her for the first time in six weeks. I have no doubt that he knew she was on her way home while he was nestled in on her office couch, and was intrigued by the possibilities there. This is one of them!
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I blow out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding as I leave Sweets' office. He has officially declared me fit for duty, returning both my gun and my badge. Bless the kid, he finally did something right. Though I did hurry out, just in case he found a reason to change his mind.
I thought that was the case when he asked me if I'd communicated with Bones lately, and what I missed most from my dream life. Instantly, unbidden images flashed through my mind, all which involved Bones touching me, kissing me, making love to me, along with the comfortable feeling I always had in the dream that we completely and utterly belonged to each other. His wary gaze caught my hesitation, I'm sure, and given our history and his transparent fascination on the subject I was sure he would use that as an excuse to wait until her return. He would then force the two of us to uncomfortably hash through everything together under his supervision.
Instead I smiled made a flippant comment that I mostly missed the clothes. His frustration must have peaked, because to my surprise he agreed to reinstate me instead, allowing me to return to work immediately. But despite going stir crazy the last six weeks, despite being anxious to return to work, I know why it still doesn't feel right...why it feels as though I'm not quite ready to come back yet. It's because there is something missing.
I need my partner.
My partner, who as soon as she found out I would be physically fine boarded a plane to her emotional retreat, where she always went to disconnect after a brutal life event.
My partner, who didn't sleep or eat for four days, keeping her worried vigil beside me.
My partner, who sobbed with shining eyes when I first woke up.
My partner, who was the only reason I wanted to come back to life, while also being the one thing that kept me away.
My partner, whose eyes filled with a pain I never want to see again when I first spoke.
My partner, who has now been gone for six weeks, leaving me with only a dull ache where her presence should be.
My partner, who during that time has caused me many sleepless nights, fearing for both her current physical safety as well as what it would take in reality to truly hold her heart.
My partner, who boarded a plane five hours ago headed back to DC.
My partner, who won't be here for at least another hour.
My partner, who will hopefully be as happy to see me as I am to see her.
My partner, who is the one final missing piece to my full recovery.
I need to see her, feel her, to fully convince my otherwise mostly healed brain that she is real and tangible. Not real and readily available like Brennan in my coma dream, but real and readily available as Bones, my partner and best friend, physically tangible to my touch. I need to make sure she hasn't slipped away from me for good, that this whole experience and those three terrible words combined with the confusion and tough weeks afterward haven't damaged our relationship past the point of no return.
Not seeing her all this time and not knowing where I stand with her has been the worst torture I have ever had to endure, far worse than any physical punishment my body has ever gone through. I briefly reflect on all the times I have been used as a punching bag, for target practice, blown up, tortured by the enemy....No, this was by far worse as it has been marked by the trifecta. My already fragile mind has abused itself with memories of her, my heart continues to struggle with my feelings for her, and my soul is the conflicted passenger shuttling between the two.
I've been waiting all this time for her to come back to me. Now that the wait is almost over my body feels weary. I trudge through the lab, past Cam and the others, waving as I head to her office to wait. I've become somewhat of a fixture around the lab, and I know I am about ready to drive them all crazy with my presence. But somehow being closer to them helps me feel closer to her; it helps me to maintain my center.....as if she never left.
Her couch looks inviting, as always, and I hesitate only a second before flopping down onto it. She won't get off her plane for at least another hour, and I have already verified that she's on it. I may have only been "officially" reinstated before I left Sweets' office, but "unofficially" I've still been keeping tabs on her. Partially from force of habit, I guess, and partially to reassure myself that she is staying out of trouble while she's not within arm's reach.
I lay there, thinking about what I would say to her when I finally got the chance, when she was again close enough to reach out and touch. Should I just blurt it out first thing and tell her everything I've been feeling? Or should I wait and see how things play out between us, testing the waters first to see if our relationship is still okay?
My eyes begin to droop slowly, and before I know it I'm dreaming again. We're in our office at the club and she's nestled comfortably in my lap, my arms fitting perfectly around her waist pulling her close. She kisses me, softly, and tells me she loves me. It's the same dream I've been having ever since I woke up. Ironic, I know, but I hope I never stop dreaming it in reality.
Not until the wait is finally over.