Title: It's Still Damp
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel (Sort of one sided)
Rating: PG-13 for cussing
AN: I reject the canon for this season from the moment Cas started his trudge into the reservoir. I firmly believe this is what happened when Dean got home from losing Cas. Also I just want to put this in here because it's fucking awesome. Ben Edlund said that the way they folded up Cas's jacket is the way they fold up flags to give to a soliders widow. So that makes Dean Cas's widow! And Jensen told the director that Dean, when discussing what to do with Cas's jacket, would pick up the jacket and keep it in the trunk of the Impala. I'm glad at least two people in that show know what Dean and Cas meant to each other.
Summary: It was all gone in a split moment, in a short walk into a small crystal blue lake.
The coat is still damp. The lake water still permeates the soft material that is held tightly in Dean's hands. But despite the smell of fresh water filling up Dean's nose the smell of Cas still lingers underneath. The smell of ozone and earth and a deeper headier smell that hangs in the air whenever Cas is around. Not it's was around now. And the thought makes Dean shudder. Cas is gone. And is fucking hurts.
Sucking in a shuddering breath Dean raises the coat up to his face and holds it there as the sun falls behind the horizon and night encases everything. A sob hitched in his throat as he breathed in the scent of Cas.
God it hurt so fucking much. He was able to keep it together at the lake, even the drive back to Bobby's house he had been able keep himself in check. But as soon as Sam had gone to crash on the couch Dean had grabbed the jacket he had lain on the back of the chair and made a beeline for the panic room. The door had creaked behind him as he let it slide shut. The sound hadn't registered in Dean's head. All he could think about was the feeling of Cas's jacket in his hand, the gnawing pain that was driving its way deeper into his soul, into his very being.
Cas was gone. Those fucking monsters had taken Cas over, had held on when Cas had tried to push them out and had taken him from Dean. They took the one person beside Sam that had known him better than he had known himself. It was all gone in a split moment, in a short walk into a small crystal blue lake.
Blinking back the moisture that stung at his eyes Dean shoved his face into the jacket as a loud sob broke free. Slamming his head back into the metal wall Dean let out a muffled scream.
"You fucking idiot!" he screamed into the jacket his tears soaking the already wet material. "You stupid fucking child! Why the hell did you have to do it? Why?" Dean let himself breathe in the jacket, breath in what was once a piece of Cas.
His voice quieter this time, softer but wrecked and deep. "God?...I don't…I don't, I know you don't care, I know that you skipped town because of the shit that has been going down. But…you fucking asshole how could you let Cas do this? Why the fuck didn't you step in, why didn't you pull Cas back? He's your child…your creation don't you give a shit that he had to fight a war he didn't want? Didn't you fucking care that he gave everything for the freedom of your god dam creations…for me? Why didn't you snatch him back from the edge…why didn't you do what I couldn't. Why didn't you save him when I wouldn't?"
With his face buried in the jacket Dean let his eyes drain until nothing else was left, let his sobs wrack his body until his voice was raw and he couldn't make any more sounds. He sat there with the coat wrapped around his tear stained face praying to a God he really didn't believe in for an angel that he had forsaken.
"I loved him" Dean mumbled into the coat "I loved him doesn't that count for anything? Doesn't the righteous man get anything in end? Can't one thing just go right for once? I loved him…I just…I just want a chance to tell him that."