Title: Tales of the Undead Zeppo: The X-File
Author: Lucky13
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters. I own a '93 Ford Bronco. Well, actually the credit union still owns most of it…
Distribution: Anybody that wants it - but let me know, okay?
Feedback: Love it or hate it, let me know – please…
Author's note the first: Welcome to another edition of Tales of the Undead Zeppo. This is a sequel to I Am Not Xander, which of course makes it another prequel to The Big Day – still with me? Good…
Author's note the second: POSSIBLE SPOILER for S5 Episode 16 "The Body" Written by Joss and airing on 2/27/01 in the US. If you're spoiler-free, you might not want to read this until after it airs.
The X-File
Archivist's note: The following is another transcription from several audiotapes discovered in the files of Watcher Rupert Giles following his death. Exactly how the tapes came into his possession is unknown. These tapes are not dated, but from the events described we can assume that they were made in October of 2001. Cross-reference to the following files: Buffy Anne Summers and X/Alexander 'Xander' Lavelle Harris.
Begin transcript.
Hello again posterity, so good of you to join me. Who are you I wonder, my future audience – little Watchers-in-training maybe? All decked out in tweed, polishing your bifocals, hands dusty from ancient tomes?
Listen, I'm going to tell you a secret…
Get a life!
Face facts people, you're wasting your lives as I wasted mine. My life that was, of course. My unlife is coming along just swimmingly, thank you!
Stop fighting evil, there is no purpose to it!
No one appreciates you, just as no one appreciated me. Evil will eventually win; this world will end in darkness just as it began. Life is short and precious, you never know who might be just around the corner, waiting to suck the life out of you. Life should be lived, zealously and greedily gulped down with lip-smacking zest!
And what are you doing with your lives? Studying ancient demon languages? Practicing magic? Sharpening stakes for some mindless teenage hussy? No, no, no! Leave the library behind, take a walk in the sunshine, find a comely member of the sex that appeals to you and lose yourself in passion. Because you know what? I'm coming for you. If not me, then another of my kind.
You will lose that sad excuse you call a life, and then where will you be? Of course if you're lucky, you might just get a second chance at things with a new attitude. But just in case you don't get so lucky - Carpe Diem, my bookish friends – Seize the Day! Myself, I shall seize the night. Carpe Noctem! Hey, how about that? Some of the G-man's Latin must have rubbed off on me!
Now, where did I leave off in my little tale? Oh yes, the seduction of The Slayer. The opus began last night with an introduction and a simple caress. The look on her face! Talk about your Kodak moment, I should have brought a camera!
Note to self: pick up one of those disposable cameras at the liquor store.
Where was I, oh yes, the Buffinator. You know if I didn't know better - and I do - I could swear that she was looking at me with love in her eyes last night. But no, alas, mores the pity – I know she didn't love me. She only used me and took me for granted. She never loved me; none of them ever loved me!
Easy, easy – I mustn't let my temper get away from me; it wouldn't be proper. Calm, cool, collected – the James Bond of the Undead Set - that's me.
Now face the truth; they did love you, dear boy, they did love you.
They loved you as its owner loves a cocker spaniel…
Sit Xander! Research the demon, Xander! Fetch the donuts, Xander! Stay Xander, we're going to fight the demons but you have to stay! Good Xander!
You're not a cocker spaniel, my lovely. You're mommy's little kitten, you are!
(Archivist's note: The tape recorder was stopped at this point. The last voice heard was that of a female. Based upon our research, we believe this voice to be the vampiress known as Drusilla. It is thought that she did indeed sire the vampire known as X in late September of 2001. The tape continues.)
Ah, excellent! Exultation! Ecstasy! How extremely lucky I am to have such a delicious sire!
But where was I? Ah yes, the Duchess…What a prize you are!
(Archivist's note: There is a splice in the tape at this point. Whether or not Watcher Rupert Giles made this splice is unknown. The tape continues.)
What name will you take, my sweet, when you awaken from my Dark Embrace? I cannot choose it for you, you will choose it for yourself…You will choose it for –
End transcript.
Archivist's note: Again, the tape has sustained both heat and water damage. Further analysis will depend upon future attempts at restoration.
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October 12th, 2001
Dear Diary,
I don't know how I'm going to stand this. He acts so much like Xander! He just looks at me and smiles. I wish it was a more evil smile, you know? So I could stop thinking of him as Xander. But it's still Xander's smile; it's still Xander…
No! His name is X! He's a demon wearing Xander's face! Goddamn it, why do I still think of him as Xander?
Anyway, I'm worried about Dawn. When I came home from the Magic Shop, she was sobbing uncontrollably. I haven't seen her like this since Mom died last year. I asked her why she was crying. She said HE had been here.
She was watching television and doing her homework when she heard a knock on the door. She's learned, she didn't just open the door, she asked who it was…She said he didn't answer…He just started singing…
I was scared to ask what song, but I asked anyway. Without a word, Dawn walked over to the stereo cabinet and pulled out one of Mom's CDs.
Mom had a thing for Broadway Musicals; she used to act in them in high school and college. When she was alive, it was one of those things that embarrass kids, you know. Your Mom singing along to a show tune in the car while driving you and your buds to soccer practice, that kind of thing.
But you know, after they're gone, it's just the sort of thing you miss the most…
Anyway, after Mom died, Dawn and I spent some time playing 'her' songs, trying to figure out what would be good to play at her service. Xander helped us decide. Xander was really there for us last year, in more ways than one…
Dawn put on a CD from Rodgers and Hammerstein's 'Carousel'. This is the song X sang to Dawn from the other side of the door.
If I loved you, time and again
I would try to say
All I'd want you to know.
If I loved you, words wouldn't
Come in an easy way.
'Round in circles I'd go
Longing to tell you but afraid and shy
I'd let my golden chances pass me by.
Soon you'd leave me, off you would
Go in the mist of days
Never, never to know how I loved you.
If I loved you…
Do you see diary? Do you see why this is so hard? I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. I know that this is like history repeating itself. Angelus left me those drawings, but somehow, this is worse. This is so much worse.
I can't let this continue. I can't dawdle like I did with Angelus, hoping against hope that somehow he'll come back to me. Wishing won't make it so. I have to slay him. I have to slay X, and soon. Otherwise, I think I'm going to lose my mind.
Buffy