Tales of Chronicles of Legends of Symphonia

by DatSpandex

In a world where cursed game systems exist that possess the human mind through voodoo magic, a multi-talented, DD-cup fangirl is given a final chance at redemption... which involves teaming up with a Kid, a Lobster and a Sex God to save the world.

1. The Boy Who Lived

Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived

Musical inspiration: Girlfriend-Avril Lavigne

"Woah, I don't remember eating that."

-Some Guy

What's up snively bitches. The names Kylee. And I am so non-conformist that I don't even breathe AIR. I assert that I'm a tomboy despite my vagina, I listen to YOUR favorite band, and I am now your favorite goddamn character.

Anyway.

I totally dig the shit out of JRPGs. Like NO one has body hair. It's freaking magical. And there's this one, called Tales of Symphonia, where everyone is REMARKABLY metrosexual. There was some bullshit in the story where you like go on a mission to a tower to keep the world from going to shit or something. IDK really but damn that Kratos guy has a fine ass in that purple spandex.

Not long ago I got this used GameCube from the GameStop that's like five minutes from my house. I'd busted the hell out of my old one when I played Shadow the Hedgehog for all of three minutes before I picked up and hurled that motherfucker against the WALL. I hate you Sega. You make me break all my nice shit.

There was one used GameCube in stock, and it was cheap as dirt, so I brought it up to the register. That was when the clerk game me this funny look.

"Just thought you should know, the person who traded in this system looked kind of sketchy. Like I'm talking crackhead sketchy. She was wearing rags and had all these weird hoodoo trinkets hanging off of her and shit. We don't inspect these things before reselling them but I thought you should know"

And I was like "k whatever" and bought it.

Took it home and plugged in my new-ass GameCube to give it a test drive. It was time to give that sexy Tales of Symphonia a spin. I'd finally borrowed it from my best friend, having watched her play it since forever at her house and now I was about to give it my first go. Shit was gonna be so cash.

But no. Of COURSE I can't just have a pleasant night of playing another generic JRPG with loli moes and bishie warlocks and fairy men. Of COURSE I can't just sit on my couch and grow a little more old and jaded with every second that I waste grinding the night away. No. NO.

Leonardo fucking DiCaprio has to walk into the room, squint at me and go

"WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER."

I shit my panties, and then everything went black.