If anybody who had me on author alert got multiple Emails about this, I apologize. I accidentally used the wrong document the first couple of times, had to delete the story, and didn't realize it still sent the emails until I check my own email. Any way,
I don't know how I got the idea for this, but I had to get it down on paper. Well, so to speak. You know what I mean.
This Shepard is meant to kind of be the default version, middle of the morality path, what most people did. And just a parody in general.
Master Chief: So when's your next game supposed to come out Shepard?
Commander Shepard: In March, as long as it doesn't get pushed back. Again.
Duke Nukem: Don't even talk to me about game delays Ass Hole!
CS: Any way, what about you? Isn't Halo 4 coming out at the end of 2012?
MC: No, my newest game is coming out next month.
CS: Huh? What are you talking…? Oh you mean the rerelease of the exact game people already played.
MC: With way better graphics, premastered maps for Reach,
CS: So you throw together a few new things, and try to sell it again? Great Marketing strategy, taking tips from the Lego games. If it worked on kids, it's totally going to work on adults.
The Legos, unable to talk, or flip him off with their weird hands, just frown at him.
MC: For the record, play tests have shown people very much enjoy being able to switch graphics back and forth.
CS: Uh huh. People have also shown they want to see your face. I don't think their missing much myself.
MC: Not being able to see Tali's face didn't seem to stop you.
CS: What? How do you know I didn't go for Jack or Miranda on this play through?
MC: I saw her picture in your wallet when you were getting money out. Besides, wasn't Tali the most popular in the second game? I don't know why you're embarrassed.
CS: Actually, I think the "Most popular" was Kelly and my female counterpart.
MC: What about Liara and FemShep? Way more people went with her then that tool Alenko.
CS: Don't call my Squad mate a… actually, yeah, he kinda was. Got rid of him on Virmire first chance I got.
They high five.
Kaiden: Hey! Some people still like me!
MC: (sarcastic) Right. Because guys are definitely going to choose to have Fem Shep romance a whiney tool instead of going after the hot lesbian relationship.
CS: Dude, the only people who saved you are the ones who want to see… you get with Male… crap.
MC: I wouldn't worry about it too much. You should think about what Ashley or Liara will say if you did romance someone in the second game.
KA: What about me?
Both: Nobody cares!
CS: Besides, Ash is the one to worry about most. They kinda crossed that Liara bridge with the LotSB DLC.
MC: What do you think will happen?
CS: Not worried about the Jack Romancers. Jack will probably just rip Ashley's head off. Come to think of it, Miranda would probably just kill her too. She's kind of a bitch.
Miranda: Beg Pardon?
CS: I didn't say you weren't hot.
MC: Dude, give up now while you're behind. I really don't want you to be sole survivor in this bar.
CS: You're assuming people were too lazy to choose something other than the default.
MC: There's a reason they only use that one face for advertising.
Fem Shep: Not anymore A-hole. ME3 is going to have a trailer, and box art for the collector's edition featuring me. Take that, lame default guy with a voice actor nowhere near as good as mine!
CS: Yeah yeah, whatever.
MC: At least you've been the only star. I was on the back burner for both of Bungie's last games.
CS: But they put in jetpacks, and you get one in the new game trailer.
MC:… All is forgiven game studios.
CS: Any way, back to the romance conflict. I don't know why people didn't stick to only romancing one person in one game and avoiding the issue all together.
MC: So what do you think Tali and Ashley will turn out?
CS: You want someone's guess, go read a fan fic. I'm sticking with Tali. Ashley's a total racist, called me a traitor, and isn't as hot in the third game.
MC: So you admit you're getting it on with a chick whose face nobody can see.
Tali: Hypocrite.
CS: At least I can get laid. The closest thing you're getting is having that AI bitching in your ear the whole game. Those things are a pain in the ass.
EDI: I take offense with that statement commander.
Legion: We have reached consensus and determined the most appropriate response is "Go fuck yourself"
MC: At least my AIs have actually faces. You get a blue orb with lines and a robot with a flashlight instead of a face.
CS: Some of them have real avatars.
MC: You mean the Vis who have such minor roles one of them doesn't even have a name?
CS: Says the guy who's name is only said once in the entire first trilogy, and in the books only nerds read.
MC: At least I'm in my books. You barely get mentioned.
CS: What about that prequel comic for people who are too lazy to play the first game?
MC: Doesn't count.
CS: Bullshit.
MC: Besides, I got something you'll never have. Machinima.
CS: Not true! People have made Mass Effect Machinimas.
MC: Modding the game to change romance options doesn't count.
Miranda: Yeah, people have done that a lot. Usually just to see me making out with fem shep.
MC: There's a company whose sole "job" is making videos in halo!
CS: That just means Rooster Teeth is a bunch of nerds.
Caboose: Teeth Rooster! It sounds stupid when you say it backwards.
Church: Shut up Caboose.
MC: Jealous.
CS: Of what? Having people waste time with random stuff instead of giving them actual game play value? There are so many choices, I don't think it's physically possible to play the same way twice.
MC: Choices like what? Which of five weapons to carry? Wow, should I pick this gun, or the only other gun in game? I just can't choose!
CS: What about DLC guns?
MC: You're making people pay to have one more gun, or one extra set of armor? At least halo's DLC gives more ways to play. There are all sorts of maps.
CS: Half of them are recycled from the earlier games. Just like your entire next game! And I call Bullshit one the "Extra Set of Armor" comment. People whore out in that game to earn enough points to get one helmet!
MC: That isn't money.
CS: Money doesn't take millions of wasted hours to get.
MC: The weapons suck ass half the time anyway. You get a Shotgun that isn't good up close or something that's impossible to aim with.
CS: You mean like the pistol before bungie wised up and put it back to normal?
MC: That was only in two games! And I got duel wielding, which is way better than anything you've got.
CS: Better than a portable Nuke launcher?
MC: That only gets one shot? Thanks, but I think I'll stick with my sticky grenades, which actually kill things more than once in a row.
CS: Oh, you mean the grenades you can't use if you're carrying another weapon?
KA: Dude, you just got owned.
MC: Shut up loser! And since they got rid of duel wielding, it's not an issue
CS: So you're saying they got rid of the best weapon, just so they could put in a function that made it so you couldn't melee or throw grenades, and it only lasted 2 games? I wonder why?
MC: Hey, at least I'm guaranteed not to die at the end of my game. Your whole squad can die!
CS: The only people who let people get killed off were the ones that were people playing on insanity and didn't want to actually complete the damn loyalty missions. Or people who wanted to kill specific. I did that three times with Jacob.
KA: Ok, you cannot say Jacob is more lame than me. At least I actually have a fan base. He's like the most hated character in the game. The DLC characters are cooler than him, and you can't even talk to them.
MC: You made people pay just to get another squad mate too?
CS: Technically Zaeed was supposed to free with the Cerberus network so they only had to pay for Kasumi. And she's totally worth the extra pay.
MC: Uh huh. Sure.
CS: She is! She has this one ability where she turns invisible, and then assassinates somebody. It's awesome.
Noble 6: Rip Off!
MC: Shut up! God I'm glad you died. I'll never have to worry about you showing up in the new games.
CS: That's one thing we have in common. Both of us have people in our franchise we're glad we can have kill.
MC: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Cortana: I still have way more guys drooling over me than any of the sluts in your games.
MC: Hey! Don't you dare talk about my whole bunch of possible girlfriends!
FS: Except Morinth. That whore killed me! I had to reload like 2 hours back from that.
MC: You didn't know that that would happen?
CS: That's why I'm the guy they use for advertising.
FS and Cortana: Sexist bastard.
MC: I thought of another thing better in my game. The game play doesn't change as much as it did between the two games.
Cortana: (facepalm)Chief, how is it you managed to save the universe multiple times, and yet you were dumb enough to give him that ammo to throw at him? Have you been spending time with Arby n the Chief?
MC: Hey, they're funny guys! And how is not changing gameplay a bad thing?
CS: The fact that you're essentially selling the same game 5 billion times. That's why you have to compete with Call of Duty, while Mass Effect is basically unopposed.
MC: What about Fable? I think that series could give you a run for your money.
CS: The first two games might have been able to, but the new one sucked.
MC: Yeah, having to do a quest for every time you wanted a friend was just plain stupid.
CS: Definitely.
MC: Kind of like you having to do a mission every time you wanted someone not to die?
KA: Damn, he totally set you up for… urccc.
MC: Did you really have to falcon punch him?
CS: Why not? It worked on that bitch reporter.
MC: Yeah, I think I gotta get going. There's supposed to be some big press event I got to get to.
CS: I hear you, those things are a bitch. Least I don't have to worry about for 3 months later than I thought.
Duke Nukem: What did I tell you about talking about delays? Eat lead mother*******
CS: Crap. I knew I should have chosen a different class.
I have no idea where I got the idea for this. Let me know what you thought, and let me know if there's another character you want to see arguing with Shepard. Or hell, if you want to see people argue with Master Chief, tell me that too, and I might end up writing another series.
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