Disclaimer: Satine, Zidler, Christian, and other Moulin Rouge characters belong to whomever the person is that created them and/or owns the rites to them. Franklin Marion "Ferret Face" Burns, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Trapper John McIntyre, BJ Hunnicutt, Peg Hunnicutt, Sherman T. Potter, Charles Emerson Winchester III, Margaret Julia "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Kellye Nakahara, Linda Nuget, Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Riley, and any other M*A*S*H characters belong to Richard Hooker and/or Larry Gelbart. Daphne DuBois and Lydia Hollingsworth, however, are copyright 2002, and totally our property. We are not making any money off of this fiction. If we were, this would be a published book.
Authors' Note: This may not seem to be a Moulin Rouge fic at the beginning. That is because it is a Moulin Rouge/M*A*S*H/Real Life crossover. It does not begin to turn Rouge until Chapter Three. To understand completely, read all the way through.
Chapter One: Martini Time!
It was an ordinary summer day for Lydia Hollingsworth, a short, voluptuous, girl, of about twenty-one, with raven hair and black eyes. Lydia, being extremely bored, lay on her bed watching a M*A*S*H tape. "Hey, y'know what? I'm bored. I think I'll have a martini with BJ and Hawkeye," the girl said to no one in particular. She pulled out an antique pocket watch and used her finger to change the year from 2004 to 1952.
Her bedroom slowly disappeared from around her and faded into the setting of the Swamp.
Two men sat on lounge chairs on either side of her, sipping martinis. Cool, she thought to herself.
"Damn!" BJ, the fair-haired man sitting to Lydia's left, whispered, throwing down the letter he was reading.
"What the hell?" the other man, Hawkeye, asked.
"Peg left me, dammit!" BJ replied.
"Why?" Lydia asked, entering the conversation.
"I don't know..."
"The day just keeps getting worse..." Hawkeye stated, glancing at his watch, "See you guys later, I'm late for a date with Bigelow."
BJ flopped down on his cot, sighing heavily. Before he knew it, he was bawling like a baby. Lydia sat by his side, holding his hand, trying to comfort him. Her efforts proved futile. There was no comforting him. The only woman he ever loved left him for the guy next door. Damn him. Damn her, while I'm at it.
A few days later, Lydia sat in the Swamp with Hawkeye and BJ. "Y'know what, guys? You should come back with me."
"Whaddaya mean?" Hawkeye asked.
"I mean, come back with me. Stateside, where I'm from," she explained.
"Well, I'm sorry, Lyds, but we're permanent prisoners of a little thing they like to call the Korean War," the single doctor declared.
"You don't have to be," the college student replied.
"Huh?" BJ interjected.
"Well," Lydia explained, "You can come with me, and no one will ever know you're gone."
"Impossible! We'll be declared AWOL!" BJ exclaimed.
"But nobody will know. You'll be fifty years away by the time they find out," Lydia said, fiddling with her watch.
A few minutes later, the three of them were in Lydia's bedroom.
"Wow!" Hawkeye exclaimed, "How'd you do that?"
"Is it not obvious? It's all in the watch," Lydia replied, "Now don't touch anything or I'll break both your hands."
"Yes, Mistress!" Hawkeye joked.
"Shut up! Just a sec." She picked up her portable phone and dialed Daphne's telephone number.
"Hello? DuBois residence," Her Australian accent greeted.
"Daph! You'll never guess what I did!"
"What'd ya do?"
"Guess who I have in my bedroom right now!"
"Umm...Hot Lips?" Daphne guessed.
"Close. Hawk and Beej."
"Really? Or are you just kidding around and hired two guys to play them?"
"No, I really have Hawkeye Pierce and BJ Hunnicutt in my bedroom! And I don't mean Mike Farrell and Alan Alda, either."
"Cool!" Daphne screamed.
"Ow...Ears, Daph!"
"I'll be right over," Daphne said and hung up.
Daphne, a tall redhead, bearing a striking resemblance to Nicole Kidman (in her performance of Satine in Moulin Rouge) opened the door to Lydia's apartment building with ease. She ran up to her best friend's room.
"Hey," Lydia breathed, "What's up?"
"Whaddaya think? Uhm..."
"What?!"
"Well, it is Hawkeye.." Daphne said.
"Hey! I heard that!" Hawkeye yelled from the next room.
"And besides," Lydia added, "I'm not sexually attracted to Hawkeye.
"Oh," Daphne replied, in a manner similar to that of Nicole Kidman.
"Isn't this cool?!"
"Uhm, Lydia, you're not acting very Gothic."
"I don't care! Hawkeye and BJ are in the next room!!!" Lydia screamed, jumping up and down with delight.
"Why didn't you bring Chuckles?" Daphne screamed in reply.
"Why, do you wish we had?" BJ replied.
"Okay, come on," Lydia yelled, dragging Daphne into her bedroom.
"Hawkeye; BJ; this...is my best friend Daphne," the Goth said, introducing her friend.
"Hi, I'm Daphne, but you, like, already know that."
Hawkeye and BJ stared blankly at Lydia, who was giddy with excitement.
"So...you wanna go somewhere or something?" Lydia asked.