"You know, you're kind of like Dia." Ruby stiffened, gripping the magazine she was holding so tightly that it began to crinkle. She turned around to put the magazine down on the coffee table, just so she could take a moment to compose herself. If she had been looking at Chika, she surely would've faltered. Maybe she would've even started to cry. She couldn't cry, though. This wasn't high school anymore. She was a university student now, and even if it was hard to believe, she was a Kurosawa. There was no room for weakness in the Kurosawa family. Like there was no room for her anymore.
"Well, we are sisters, Chika." She giggled, but there was no mirth in her laugh. Even though she was twenty years old, a supposedly adult woman, her voice was still high-pitched. Sure, it wasn't as squeaky as it had been when she was fifteen, but it wasn't much better. She had grown to become ashamed of her voice. It wasn't deep and commanding like Dia's. Nobody would listen to her.
"I know, I know." Chika laughed, a more honest laugh. She didn't notice the hidden sorrow behind Ruby's façade, carefully crafted over a three year period. That was the point, though. It was supposed to exist to make sure no one knew the truth, as much as she wished someone would keep prodding. If only anyone cared enough to be just a little overbearing like that. "But you both get really into things, and you just... glow, ya know? Like a glow light!"
She blushed at that, still vulnerable to Chika's out of the blue compliments. Ruby still wasn't sure if any of the compliments held much meaning to them, or if they were just things Chika blurted out without thinking much on it. As much as it sounded like a knock on Chika, Ruby tended to believe it was the latter. It was more a knock on herself, since she found it hard to believe anyone would want to go out of their way to say something nice about her. She was used to the silence, to the 'at least you tried's and 'maybe someday's. It was never going to be someday.
"You're being weird again, Chika." At least there was one good side effect of Chika's compliments: they made her smile. Not much did that anymore, so she was grateful for something to cling onto in her world of swirling, churning emotional turmoil. That was why she was still dating Chika six months after their first date. She may have been unhappy, but at least there was someone there who could make her smile, no matter how infrequently.
"Am I? Ahaha, sorry." Chika laughed again, rubbing the back of her neck. Ruby gave her a small smile before looking back at the magazine she'd put down. Idols were still her passion. It was one thing from her grade school days that she hadn't been able to let go. Even after Aqours disbanded, even after Dia and the others slowly stopped talking about them. Hell, even Chika didn't care anymore about them as much as she did. It was the main reason she wished that she could travel back in time. She wanted to go back to when all her friends were together, where they were singing and dancing and she felt like she was actually good at something. It was the lone year where she hadn't felt like a giant disappointment every moment of the day.
"Did you still want to order pizza?" She had been invited over to figure out what the two of them were going to do for dinner. Pizza seemed like a good suggestion: everyone loved pizza. It was usually better for her when they had dinner at her apartment. She couldn't help but feel like a third wheel whenever she was over at Chika's because You was always there, and the two childhood friends would always pal around and make jokes that Ruby didn't get. It sucked to be the third wheel when Chika was supposed to be in a relationship with her, not You. Maybe it was her fault for being too sensitive, though. She should've learned after all these years to be used to being a third wheel. Or a fourth wheel.
"Yeah! Let's get a large cheese pizza. I've got some mikan that we can slice up and put on for toppings." Chika really was silly sometimes. It was cute, though. Ruby didn't want her to change, or otherwise one of the few remaining pieces of her happiest year would disappear. She was still as happy and carefree as always, and the apartment reflected that. There were clothes and papers strewn everywhere, no matter how many times Chika had promised to clean up. The walls had been painted either orange or sky blue, despite the fact that they'd have to clean it all off at the end of that school year. She and You had started the paint job, but grown bored or distracted by something else, and had somehow roped Riko and Ruby into painting the rest of it. It was hard work back then, but she could laugh about it now.
"I think I'm going to get my half with pepperoni." The reason they hadn't been interrupted yet was because You was visiting Riko that weekend. It still confused her how Chika could still be roommates with You after her and Riko got together back in their second year of high school. During a conversation they had when the second years were all about to go to university, Chika had admitted to her that she'd been crushing on Riko since the moment she laid eyes on her. She'd smiled and laughed through most of that story, but there was a moment of somber reflection towards the end, when Ruby could tell that it still hurt Chika a lot. Yet she still happily roomed with You every year since. Ruby didn't understand it. If she had a crush on Hanamaru before she started dating Yoshiko, she would've been torn apart living with her, having to know what was going on every time Yoshiko came over. Maybe Chika was just stronger emotionally than she was.
Since the moment she finished that first date with Chika, she'd worried constantly about that high school crush. It made her see Riko and You's temporary separation during their first year at university in a different light. Sure, she was the one dating Chika now, but what would happen if those two broke up again? She had no doubts that Chika would drop her like a bad habit and go running off to try and sweep Riko off her feet. Not that she could blame her. Riko was smart, pretty, and talented. She had really grown into quite the lovely young woman. Ruby, on the other hand, may have grown a couple inches, but she still looked like Nico had lost a fight with red hair dye. Even losing her customary pigtails didn't make her feel any more like an adult when she looked at herself in the mirror.
Sometimes, when she was really invested in something, those miserable feelings temporarily abated. In terms of making her forget about how sad her life had became, Chika was right up there next to idols. So when the pizza was delivered, Ruby stopped thinking all those negative thoughts. She laughed when Chika began slicing mikan directly onto her pizza, and was genuinely able to have a good time while enjoying the pizza and the company. These were the moments she lived for, where she was glad that she had accepted Chika's date offer that one sunny afternoon.
Spending the holidays with her family no longer was something she looked forward to. She had a feeling that if she decided not to show up, her parents might not even notice. At least, if they did, they wouldn't dwell on it for very long. After all, she was the black sheep of the family. Or, well, the red sheep. Still, she once again went home for the Kurosawa family reunion. She would get to see Dia, at least. That was the best part of an otherwise tiring venture.
It would be easier to manage if Chika was able to be there. She knew that Chika had her own holiday plans with her family, though, plus she didn't want to have Chika subjected to the judging stares of her perfect family. It wasn't that Chika wasn't good... Just that she certainly wouldn't be good enough for the Kurosawas. Like they'd care, though. She hadn't told any of them but Dia that she started dating Chika, and she had an itching feeling that after the initial shock, they would stop caring.
While the best part was being able to talk to Dia again, the worst part was being talked to about Dia. They would talk about how great Dia had done in school, or how well she was adapting to taking on a large role in their father's company. These were never conversations Ruby would accidentally catch: they were deliberately told right to her face. She just nodded and tried to smile, knowing that they wanted to make her feel bad. They wanted her to know just how great Dia was, and how much of a disappointment she was for not being like her.
A difference this year was that Mari had joined them. She had a feeling dating Mari was the only form of rebellion Dia had ever done in her life, and it would've been a seismic deal if Mari hadn't been spoiled rich. It would be two rich families joining together, so the mild scandalous whispers had subsided by this point. Mari was the person who seemed the happiest to see her, greeting her with a big hug and cries of 'my pretty bomber head!' Dia just smiled and chastised Mari for making a racket.
Ruby spent as much time as she could speaking with Dia and Mari. When Dia would have to go speak to another family member, thankfully Mari stayed with her so she didn't end up too lonely. Dia kept flitting in and out of their conversations, but that's what happened when you were as important and wanted as her. Ruby didn't know if that was what she truly wanted anyway. It would be nice to be wanted like that, but having to constantly be in conversation would send her anxiety through the roof. She wasn't cut out to be a Kurosawa.
"So how are things going with Chika?" About as well as they could, considering the circumstances. She wasn't going to admit that she had all these fears that their relationship was just a temporary fling, a drop in the bucket for Chika who really pined for another, prettier redhead.
"They're going really well! Chika's really sweet." She didn't need to ask how Mari's relationship with Dia was going. It obviously was going well. Everything went well for them. No, that wasn't fair of her to say. Their second year of high school was a well-known year of negativity. They had to go through all of that to get where they were today, and that just showed the strength of their relationship. What had she truly suffered through? If she had just applied herself, if she hadn't been so weak emotionally, she could've been someone her family could be proud of.
"Yeah, she's a real sweetheart! Does she still put mikan on her pizza? I bet she does." These thoughts that would've publicly crushed her in high school didn't even affect her outwardly anymore. University had taught her many things. She learned how to cry quietly so that Hanamaru didn't hear her and get concerned. She learned how to look normal on the outside so nobody would be able to probe and sense the truth roiling inside. Even to herself, all this constant doom and gloom sounded utterly pathetic.
"Yeah, she-" A faint buzzing from her purse silenced her. She opened up her purse to find that Chika was calling her. "S-Sorry, excuse me..." Shutting her purse, she moved past Mari and went to the back door, stepping outside so she could answer her call privately. "Ch-Chika! Hi!"
"Ruby! How's the gathering going? Did you fall asleep already?" Ruby suppressed a giggle, even though nobody in the house would be able to hear her outside. Still, she walked a bit farther along the dock, just in case.
"No, of course not. I've been talking to Dia and Mari, mostly." She didn't mention how little she'd spoken to her own parents. Chika probably couldn't even understand not speaking to her parents. They had always seemed like such kind individuals.
"Must be quite the party, then." Chika snickered to herself, then seemed to become distracted by something. "Oh Gods, ahahaha! Is that really the sweater you're wearing?!" In the background, a faint 'Sh-Shut up, Chika!" could be heard. It sounded like Riko. "Oh man, no way! Ruby, you've got to see this sweater Riko's wearing! It's so ugly! Hold on, I'm gonna snap a pic for ya!" She must've pulled the phone away from her mouth, because when she shouted "Wait, Riko, come back! You gotta stand still!", it sounded farther away. "Ruby wants to see it!"
Ruby could still hear noises coming from the phone, likely Chika trying to catch Riko and make her stand still. She didn't know how long it would take, but hanging up would be rude. Plus, it wasn't like she was looking forward to going back inside either. So she sat down on the dock, legs dangling over the water as she waited for Chika to either come back or hang up.
"Sorry about that!" Chika finally spoke again, sounding a bit out of breath. "I had to get You to make Riko let me take a picture. Hold on, lemme take it now." She waited for Chika to finish up. "Okay, I got it! Gonna send to you... now! Check it out!" Ruby felt the buzz of the text, and she pulled the phone away from her ear to look at what Chika showed her. Wow, that... that really was an ugly sweater. She started to laugh, a bit louder than before. Poor Riko. Nobody deserved to be subjected to such designs. She was surprised that You hadn't burned it on sight.
"I-I feel bad for Riko. That sweater is really, uhm, something."
"Don't feel bad for her. She said my light-up shoes were for children, so she deserves this." It sounded like Chika was having fun, so that was good. She started to feel a bit bad for wishing that Chika was there with her. It'd be nice for her, but not for Chika, who'd be extremely bored with the more formal proceedings. She had a hard time believing that someone like Mari was able to stand still for more than three seconds in such environs, but maybe growing up rich had somewhat prepared her for these sort of things. Either that, or Dia had threatened to blueball her for a week if she didn't cooperate. "Hey, I miss ya, Rubes."
"Y-You do?" Ruby squeaked, having not expected to hear that. It was a normal thing for couples to say, but she just couldn't imagine anyone missing her. She wasn't interesting enough for anyone to want to be in her presence. Yet here was Chika, missing her.
"Of course! I love being with my lil' lollipop! I think you'd enjoy being here with us. Whenever Kanan comes over, we could team up and make fun of her boots. Who wears green boots?" She could hear Riko saying 'Says the pot calling the kettle black. Or green, if you will' in the background. Apparently Chika didn't feel a need to find privacy to talk to her. She could talk so casually yet so lovingly about her right in front of her best friends. There wasn't any embarrassment felt about it, not that Ruby knew of, at least. It felt so... genuine.
"That... That does sound like fun, Chika. I'd love to come next holiday..." She wanted to finish with 'if we're still together', but she thankfully stopped herself. "I need to go. Dia might be wondering where I went."
"Okay! Enjoy your gathering, okay? Try not to fall asleep. Love ya!"
"L-Love you too..." They hung up, and Ruby finally was able to start crying. The tears slid noiselessly down her cheeks as she put her phone back in her purse. She wasn't crying because she was upset, but because she was confused. How was she supposed to take what Chika said and place it next to her constant thoughts that she wasn't good enough to be wanted? It didn't make sense, and she didn't know how to process it.
Maybe the truth was somewhere in the middle. Chika really did feel that way about her, but Ruby had somehow manipulated her into feeling that way about someone who didn't deserve to be admired like that. She had no idea how she could've possibly done it, and that just made the confusion ache worse. There was just no way she could possibly believe that she had done something right, for Chika to actually want to be around her.
It took two minutes for the tears to subside. Then she was able to clean up her face and walk back into the house, her mask firmly in place.
The end of the school year was approaching, and it was a bitter time for Ruby. It was tough to focus on exams when all she could think about was Chika graduating. Her and You would likely be moving out of their apartment and heading back to the seaside, where they'd enter the workforce. Meanwhile, she'd be stuck in her final year of university, with more distance being put between her and Chika. Would their relationship be able to stand it? Her heart would constantly twist at the thought of Chika calling her up one day and telling her it just wasn't working out.
When she got a call from Chika, she almost didn't answer it. Maybe if she didn't answer, Chika couldn't break up with her, and they'd stay together by default. She couldn't take the suspense though, and answered it just before it went to voicemail. Her fears, of course, were unfounded. Chika had not called her to break up. Instead, she wanted to come over. Ruby of course said yes, but the entire time she was waiting, she was wrought with anxiety. Maybe Chika just wanted to break up in person. That was the polite thing to do. Gods, she was going to throw up...
When Chika knocked on the door, Ruby was in the bathroom, kneeling over the toilet. She hadn't thrown up, though she certainly felt like she was going to at any moment. Hoping to the Gods that she didn't vomit all over Chika on accident, she went over and opened the door, surprised that her girlfriend didn't bounce in and hug her like her normal bubbly self. Instead, she seemed a bit somber, even when she smiled and thanked Ruby for letting her in.
"I-Is something wrong, Chika?" She could easily see that there was something wrong, but she had this expectation that Chika would deny it, and bounce right back into her happy self. That didn't happen, though. She didn't answer while Ruby closed the door, and when they locked eyes, she just asked if they could sit on the couch. Ruby nodded, her stomach working itself into a celtic knot. There was no other explanation now. They were going to break up. She could already feel her neutral expression crumbling. University had taught her nothing. She was still a stupid, scared little girl, like she'd always been. Like she always would be.
"I'm, uh... I'm worried about graduating." Chika folded her hands, speaking carefully as Ruby stared at her with a lump in her throat. She was just waiting for the bomb to drop and eviscerate every shred of happiness she had left. "You know, it's... a big deal, and all. Gotta get a job, ahaha..." She rubbed the back of her neck, dropping her eyes to the floor. Ruby felt like she was going to die.
"Y-Yeah..." Her voice jumped a couple octaves, but it was like a whisper, making her sound like a human dog whistle. She wasn't even sure if Chika had heard her. "I-I think about it too sometimes."
"You's already lined up a job. It's on a boat, like she always dreamed. Riko really wanted to her to keep pursuing that dream." Chika wrung her hands together, taking deep breathes between her sentences as tears began to prick at the corners of her eyes. Ruby jolted in alarm, her hand frozen in mid-air as she struggled between wanting to wipe Chika's tears away and being unsure of what was going on. "It's so great, isn't it?"
"Ch-Chika, you're crying..." Finally Ruby reacted, moving to wipe away Chika's tears. The only times she had seen Chika cry was when it related to Aqours. That was years ago, though: she hadn't seen her cry since. Then again, did anyone expect to see very happy people seem unhappy? It made her wonder if she had ever missed any telltale signs.
"Ahaha, sorry about that." Chika turned and smiled at Ruby, now wiping away invisible tears. "I guess I'm just worried about the future, you know? You's got her job lined up, and Riko can do whatever she wants. It's not the same for me." She sighed and leaned back against the couch, Ruby watching her with a worried expression. "I'm not as driven or talented as they are."
"Th-That's not true," Ruby stated meekly, feeling way out of her element. Well, it wasn't exactly true. Everybody had their own strengths and weaknesses. She didn't like hearing Chika talk bad about herself. 'She probably wouldn't like hearing you talk bad about yourself either,' a voice in her mind responded, but she uncomfortably ignored that. "You've got lots of talents!"
"Like what?" Ruby froze, having not expected that. That really put her on the spot, and she again felt the anxiety boiling up inside of her. What if she couldn't answer, or said the wrong thing? Chika seemed to have not come over to break up with her, but would she inadvertently change all that?
"W-Well, you're very cheerful, and companies love having employees who look like they want to be there." She tried to channel Dia, hoping that having been around her and her goal-oriented ways might help give her good answers. "You're super driven! I-I know you said you're not, but when you wanted to be an idol, you went for it and didn't let anything stop you! I wasn't like that..." That ended up coming out a bit more bitter than she would've liked.
"I-I guess that's true." Chika laughed softly, placing a hand over Ruby's. "I've never really thought about what I wanted to do. I have my major, and it doesn't feel helpful. Maybe that's just me not trying hard enough, huh?" She squeezed Ruby's hand, looking right into her eyes. "Do you think we'll be okay?"
"H-Huh? What do you mean?"
"Well, I'll be graduating, and we'll be moving out of here. You still want to be with me, right? Like, together, as a couple." Ruby's eyes widened. Was Chika really asking her that? After all of her anxiety-ridden worrying, it was Chika who thought that Ruby would be the one to want to break up? Okay, this was more inconceivable than Chika wanting to be around her. Though they kind of fit together, now that she thought about it. "I know there's the distance and all, but I really like being with you-"
"Y-Yes! Yes, I-I want to stay with you." Ruby pulled Chika into a hug, mostly to keep Chika from seeing that she had started crying too. "I-I don't care that you're graduating, or that you'll be back home. I want to still be with you. It doesn't matter to me. A-And you're going to be fine! You'll find a job, and you can still be happy. I-I'll do my Rubesty to help you!" She wondered how she would react if someone had said those things to her. It was the kind of encouragement she could only dream of. Funny, she could say those things so earnestly and sincerely to Chika, but she wouldn't dare think such things about herself.
"You're the best, Ruby!" Chika hugged her extra tightly, having already seemed to bounce back to that happy state Ruby was more familiar with. That was a relief: she didn't like seeing Chika cry one bit. She pulled away from the hug with determination shining in her eyes. It was such a familiar sight that it brought a smile to Ruby's lips. "As long as I've got you with me, I know things will be alright! Besides, we'll all still be able to communicate. It's different than when granny Kanan was in her first year of high school." She pulled out her cellphone and grinned knowingly. "We have technology."
Ruby giggled and hugged Chika again, biting down on her lip. This would've been the perfect time to mention her own insecurities, to open up like Chika had. If Chika trusted her enough with something personal like that, shouldn't she feel the same way? Her eyes watered again as she sighed internally. It wouldn't be right. Her problems were silly. They weren't like Chika's. She just wanted an excuse to drag the mood down by crying about her own insecurities rather than focus on Chika. How rude...
It could wait. She was helping Chika right now. That was what was important. She could swallow down her sadness and continue to keep it locked up. No one needed to be dragged down by her ridiculousness, least of all Chika. She was so happy and supportive, and was going through something. The last thing she needed was to have something else negative added on top of it. She could hold it in. She would be a good girlfriend like that.
Offering Chika a smile, she gently kissed her on the cheek, able to pretend in that moment that everything would be okay. Chika didn't have to know all those miserable things that she had weighing down on her mind like a stack of bricks. "Yeah, it won't be too bad. We'll be okay."
Maybe.