How long?

How long can I keep holding on? My body is giving up and my mind is shutting down. I'm clinging to life eventhough I know in my heart that I will not make it out of here alive. Heck, I will not even live long enough to see the sun rise tomorrow. But I have to keep breathing; I need to. It hurts. Everything hurts. I can barely feel my legs and I am feeling very cold. I'm using all the strength I have left to keep my eyes open because I am afraid that if I close them, or even blink them, I will lose this battle forever. And I cannot lose; not just yet. Not until I tell her everything. She has to know. She deserves to know.

Nikita, the most strongest, compassionate and determined person I know. The woman who is strong enough to kill with bare hands but yet, vulnerable enough to break when her loved ones are harmed or threatened. A hero who is so flawed but yet, so perfect in every way. She always says she has evil in her but the truth is, she has a heart of gold and a beautiful soul. She has taken many lives but she has saved just as many, if not more, mine included, many times than I could even count.

I remember the very first time I have spoken to her. She called me when I was in Chile and warned me about what Division had planned to do to me. I hung up on her, but still, being the persistent, determined person that she is, she came back for me. She came back and saved my life. That was the first of the countless times she risked her life to save me; not just from death but from myself, as well. And now, it's time for me to return the favor.

My heart breaks for her. I know how much she has longed for this; for normalcy and for freedom. Freedom to live, laugh and love. All she ever wanted was to live a normal life with the people she loves. But life is unfair and cruel.

I wanted to be wrong. God knows how much I wanted to ignore that annoying, frightening feeling in my gut the moment I have realized that Amanda was still alive. God knows I wanted to ignore it; ignore it and just enjoy the normal life given to us, even if it was just brief and temporary. But I couldn't. Not when it comes to Amanda.

Amanda, that evil freaking bitch. She just wouldn't ever stop, would she? Not until she sees Nikita buried six feet under ground. No. She's not that merciful. She wouldn't want to see Nikita dead. To her, death would be a luxury and she wouldn't let Nikita have that. Never. Death is not satisfying and rewarding enough for her. She wants her to suffer, and she knows that the only way to really hurt Nikita is by inflicting pain on the people she loves:

Michael..

..Alex,

..Sam,

..Birkhoff,

..Sonya,

..and myself.

That evil bitch. Jumping out of that window was the only way for me to stop her from continuing her evil plans. I would rather die than to have her use me and turn me against Nikita. I'd rather feel all this pain than be used as a tool to inflict pain on her. I know Nikita wouldn't bear it; not from me.

I don't understand. Why would anyone want to hurt her? This beautiful, wonderful person? She is the most selfless person I have ever met. She has always been a great friend to me. I have always admired and loved her; love her for more than just a friend. I have never told her because I knew her heart always belonged to Michael, and I agree, they deserve each other. But that did not stop me from loving her.

I love her. I love her with all my heart. and I would do anything for her. I would protect her until the day I die. I'd sacrifice myself to give her the life she deserves. That is how much I love her. But I guess now she will never know.