To No One:
When I first started this biographical notebook (Diaries are for little kids, I am almost in college, I do not have a diary) I had spent an entire hour figuring out how exactly to head each entry. Dear Diary was thrown out the window immediately for the above reason, plus it sounded far too cliché. The entire first page of the notebook was filled with scrawled ideas and suggestions for just how I could introduce what fragments of my life I choose to put down in this book. Eventually I finally realized how ridiculous it was to waste all this time figuring this out when nobody would be reading it. That's when it clicked for me and I settled on what I had just written.
Today was an ordinary day, nothing special happened to me.
Perhaps it wasn't the most exciting line in the history of writing, but it was true.
Today, however, something happened within me. An admission, a confession, a conclusion… call it what you'd like, but today I realized it.
I paused here; my hand hesitated as if the act of writing it down, of bringing it into the physical world was the sealing of my fate. There would be no turning back, no matter how many times I crossed the next words out, no matter if I took the page and ripped it up, no matter if I burned the ripped up pieces to ash, these next words would have escaped. Escaped from my mind and become real. Could I handle it?
I realized… I love Konata Izumi.
The impact of this sentence was heavy and yet… satisfying. I feel afraid of the implications of the words but proud that I can say them. Above all though, I feel happy. I love Konata, It's true, and I'm happy about it. I gaze up at a certain picture, scattered amongst many others but one that always stands out to me. We are at Kyoto, in one of those silly little photo booths that Konata dragged us into. We posed, Miyuku and Tsukasa at the sides and in the middle were Konata and I. Konata pressed close against me with a great big smile, posing with her fingers in a V. I posed in a similar fashion but looked far more awkward, a blush visible across my face from the situation. I smile and look down again at my notebook.
I probably have for a long time. I have always felt something. Something that made me mad when she asks to copy my homework, yet always yield when those big green emeralds that she calls eyes look up at me, her mouth pouting in an adorable, childish manner. Something that makes her comments about my weight hurt, yet is always willing to forgive the mean remarks in a second. Something that makes her heart stop when she sees her, and start when she sees me. Something that wants her, needs her… needs us.
I stop and look, with confusion, at what I had just written. It sounds sappy, cliché. I had written them on instinct, too lost in thought to pay attention to what I wrote, with the end result sounding like it had been ripped directly from a romance novel. However I cannot deny the truth of what I had written. My eyes wander down to the last few words. "Needs us…" I say quietly aloud. The word "us" had never sounded so deep, so foreign as it did in that moment. And yet, as I repeat it again and again, I feel a buzz of warmth.
Us, Us, Us, Us, Us, Us, Us, Us, Us…
I look down to find more words written without my consent, my hand drawing that one character over and over again. But as I look over the column of "Us" that I had written a thought comes across my mind.
Of course it isn't quite us yet… I haven't told her. I can't risk it yet. She's my best friend, I don't want to alienate her if she doesn't return my feelings. She would never hate me but the change to our relationship would be impossible to fix, whether she returns them or not. Not only that but what would other people think? Our friends? Our family?
She stopped writing and thought about this. What would they think? Tsukasa was my twin, she would never think less of me, no matter who I loved. My other sisters would doubtlessly tease me relentlessly, but they would that no matter who I dated. When I needed support, I could probably rely on them to have my back when I truly needed them. My mom was kind and understanding, when the topic of homosexual relationships had come up before she had said that love was love and that was that. My father didn't approve, nor did he disapprove. He was traditional, "People can love who they want in the privacy of their own homes." He had said, though, so I guess he wouldn't disown me or anything.
My family might see me a bit differently, but I don't think they'd ever stop loving me. Konata's dad loves her a lot and I think he would be okay with her being a lesbian, I think he'd be more than ok actually, ok to a creepy degree… My friends would likely be ok with it as well. Miyuki does not seem the type to discriminate like that, the same with Ayano. Misao might be critical of who I had chosen but isn't the type to get hung up on it. Yutaka and Minami... I don't think they would judge, and I'm pretty sure they are actually dealing with similar feelings, though that is just my opinion on the matter.
They were cute together, I have to admit. Perhaps it was wrong to imagine my friends that way, especially since she is one of Konata's cousins, but I couldn't help it. Besides, I was hardly alone. Hiyori, the girl who hangs out with them, had drawn many scenes that featured two suspiciously familiar girls in somewhat… compromising positions. I feel a blush come to my cheeks as I recall a particular image that I had accidently seen her drawing. It featured the two of them, Yutaka in Minami's lap as they sat upon a hill during sunset. They were looking in each other's eyes, their lips barely touching as they embraced each other. I imagine Konata and I in that situation, the sunset vivid in my mind, the situation so real that I can almost smell Konata's hair as we draw closer and closer. I feel entranced by those sparkling jade eyes that reflect the orange of the horizon beautifully. A line of dialogue from a conversation I had with that blue haired megami - I mean otaku—earlier that day rang through her head and I pick up the pencil again.
Who knows where our conversation started today, but, like all of our conversations, it went off on a tangent. We found ourselves talking about romance novels and Miyuki asked what you'd like your first kiss to be like. She and Tsukasa had elaborate and beautifully romantic scenarios that sounded as if they came directly from the very romance novels they were just discussing. When it was my turn I floundered to come up with something similar but to me it didn't really matter. I told them that the "who" matters more than the where and when. That was when it happened. I saw Konata grin out of the corner of my eye and she drew close to me very quickly. I turned to look at her only to find her face less than ten centimeter's from mine. "Oh really?" she said, her voice soft and seductive with that mischievous undertone that it always has. "So you wouldn't mind being kissed right here, right now, if it were the right person?" I have no idea what was going through my mind at the time. I was paralyzed by the proximity and my heart hammered in my chest. She drew closer and closer and I could move a muscle. My face was so red that it must have looked like a tomato. Then she stood up and said that she was going to get some snacks. The other two volunteered to join her and they left the room. Leaving me alone.
I wrote slowly, remembering the events of the day with a smile across my face.
At first I was angry. I don't really know why. Maybe it was just my natural "tsundere" response as Konata would put it. Maybe it was outrage at how she could take something so seriously and make a joke of it. My anger ran out quickly however. After that I was… disappointed. I touched my lips where they had almost met Konata's. and I found myself disappointed that they hadn't. That thought shocked me and led me to question why I was so disappointed. She is a short, annoying, mischievous, perverted, otaku-y, loyal, beautiful… It was that instant that I realized it. I loved her. Despite all of her bad qualities there was something about her that just made it feel so right… The three came back soon enough acting like nothing happened. Konata looked at me with uncertainty, probably trying to see if I was angry, what she saw must have reassured her because she gave me a big grin and took her previous place next to me at the table. The other two sat down as well and we ate some snacks. Then Tsukasa piped up. "hey Konata, you never told us what you'd like your first kiss to be like." All eyes turned to her and she grinned, giving me a quick, almost unnoticeable glance before speaking up "In an alternate dimension surrounded by massive blue giant who are destroying everything." My head hit the table in exasperation. "must everything be anime with you?" I asked her testily, though a smile wormed its way onto my face. She shrugged and say "Hey, I can't help it… pigtails turn me on."
As I write it down I realize that the quote is off. I admit I've seen quite a few anime before and not all references escape me. I understand far more of what Konata says than I let on. However this minor change escaped my notice until I recounted it to my dia- biographical notebook. I smile again, hope for the future coursing through me.
Today was an ordinary day.
There was simply an extraordinary person to share it with.
Author's note: People seem to confuse Japanese priests with Catholic priests on this site. Many stories I have read have stated that Kagami's father's traditional values would make him disagree with homosexuality, however they forget that it is traditional Japanese values, not traditional American values. Japan, to my knowledge, considered whatever happened in the bedroom to be a completely different matter to anything else. Whatever happened there you would not be thought less of and homosexuality wasn't persecuted at all when restricted to the bedroom. My knowledge on whether it was/is frowned up outside the bedroom is limited.