Chapter 1
Ezekial Soaring Crow and William Crimson Neck weren't your average students at Hogwarts; you see they were American wizards. There are some distinct differences between American wizards and British wizards one of which being that in place of wands American wizards carried magical buck knives, another difference being that many would argue that they lacked the refinement of their British counter parts, although the biggest difference between British and American wizards without doubt was that American wizards were known for their brazen nature and indomitable spirit. Ezekial known as Zeke and William commonly referred to as Squirrel or Will, were not only American wizards, they were American redneck wizards; who through some unlikely circumstance had found themselves accepted into Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry as seventh years, though they were both in their twenties, they'd been held back a few times.
Neither Zeke nor Squirrel sat with the other students in the grand hall instead they sat near the back in lawn chairs tormenting Neville Longbottom by using the accio spell on every piece of food he picked up before he had a chance to eat it.
"This year we have two new students joining us as seventh years, let us please welcome Ezekial Soaring Crow and William Crimson Neck." Announced Dumbledore.
The grand hall was filled with applause and chatter as Dumbledore continued to make announcements.
"Now that our new first years have been assigned to their houses I would like to invite our two new seventh years up to try on the sorting hat to determine their houses as well." Again announced Dumbledore.
"Nah it's cool dude, we brought our own house but thanks for offering." Replied Squirrel in a half drunken stupor as he stood up picking his belly button motioning to a double-wide trailer outside; as Zeke continued to torment a very frustrated Neville Longbottom.
"You can't simply come to Hogwarts and ignore our principles!" Exclaimed Draco Malfoy.
"Hey, fuck you, ah~ight!" Retorted Zeke cockily.
Malfoy sat down not entirely sure how to respond, as Dumbledore cleared his throat simply choosing to ignore this problem as he went on with his announcements as Snape and McGonnagal glowered at the new students who had returned to their lawn chairs and beer.
After dinner and the announcements had been made Squirrel and Zeke staggered out into the hall to be greeted by a woman dressed in all pink who seemed a bit upset by something though neither of them could figure out what could possibly be upsetting the woman.
"Gentlemen, my name is Delores Jane Umbridge, I am a representative of the ministry of magic, and thus a representative of the minister of magic himself and I would like a word with you two about your unruly behavior this evening." Stated a rather annoyed Umbridge.
"Do huh?" Responded both inebriated wizards in unison having no comprehension what this woman was talking about.
Umbridge exhaled slowly and looked back at the two American wizards tying her best to give off the impression that she was completely calm and collected; though just below the surface she was fuming with rage.
"Gentlemen, this is a school and like any school it has rules that I feel I need not say must be followed." Stated Umbridge adding a tone of superiority to her voice.
"Now look here Ms. Dee~lorian, I ain't really into that dominatrix stuff but if you're lookin to play with mah magic wand you can come on back to the trailer." Responded Squirrel gleefully as he took another swallow of beer.
Umbridge stormed off furiously as Zeke and Squirrel staggered off in the direction of their trailer.
Walking back to the double-wide the duo stopped a moment to look at the womping willow. The two sat in contemplative silence taking in the majesty of this beautiful tree and all the history it must have seen over the years for about .0002 seconds before Zeke calmly asked, "Deer stand?", after a moment Squirrel nodded and replied "Deer stand." As the two stood planning how to erect a deer stand in the tree they were joined by a large bearded man.
"Hello you two." Said the bearded stranger pleasantly.
"Sup" Responded Zeke.
Shortly followed by a "Howdy?" From Squirrel.
"I see you've taken an interest in the Womping willow, that there's a mean tree that is. My name is Hagrid by the way." Stated the large bearded man
"How's a tree gonna be mean?" Asked Zeke turning around to get a good look at the new comer for the first time.
"Well ya see that there ain't no ordinary tree. It has a sort of mean nature and attacks anything what comes too near it." Answered Hagrid.
"Hold up, so it's a tree that kills shit?" Inquired Squirrel enthusiastically.
"Well, I suppose you could say that yeah." Replied Hagrid a bit perplexed by the two strange wizards in front of him.
"I can dig it." Commented Zeke as the two turned back to further examine the tree.
"Hey look'ere, they don't call me Squirrel for shits and giggles. Well actually they call me Squirrel because I worked for a place sucking water outta damn flooded houses, and I cut a drain hole in the ceiling there, and a Squirrel nest fell on my head and it had poop in it, ye know. Hell I was gonna go by Poop to be funny, but they said that'd be unprofessional or something. I don't know but look'ere, trees are my nature you big scraggily sumbitch, and I want to sit in that tree, and shoot at deer. If the tree likes killin' shit then I don't much reckon it'll have a problem with me adding to the distance in what have ye that it can reach." Blasted off a suddenly angry Squirrel.
"Well I think I'm going to be going and I'd suggest you two do the same." Stated Hagrid as he began walking away, not sure that he understood a word the little American wizard had said.
"Dude that guys must've been like a wizard or something cause he knew we were out of beer and that we needed to go home to get some more from the trailer." Mused Zeke.
"Don't be dumb, there ain't no such thing as wizards." Retorted Squirrel as the two walked drunkenly back to the double-wide.
Draco Malfoy awoke to what sounded like paws scurrying away and a foul smell, but the young wizard quickly shrugged it off and rolled back over to get some sleep. However when he rolled over he found his face was in something soft and warm and the foul odor he had smelled earlier had greatly intensified. After a moment he realized that he had rolled over into feces.
As Zeke and Squirrel cracked open the first beer of the morning a puppy sauntered in and sat at their feet. The screams of Draco Malfoy could now be heard across the grounds of Hogwarts. The two rednecks took a sip of beer before congratulating their dog on a job well done. The dog's name was Lilly and she was a boxer pit mix that was approximately six months old. After a light breakfast of a six pack of Budweiser each and a couple half eaten donuts they had found in the folds of the couch Squirrel and Zeke were ready to begin their day.
"Hey Squirrel where is that there potions class at?" Asked Zeke as he tried to read a map of the castle.
"I don't know but I must be more drunk that I thought cause I could swear them there stairs is movin." Stated Squirrel as he pulled a Corona from one of the eighteen packs that they were carrying.
Sometime later the two managed to find their way to the potions classroom.
"You two are late." Stated Snape flatly.
"Is this potions?" Asked Squirrel as he picked his belly button and looked around the room.
"It is." Responded Snape in an irritated tone.
"Alright, and who are you?" Asked Zeke as he crushed a beer can and threw it into the corner of the room.
"You may call me professor Snape and if you two don't have anymore stupid questions you may take your seats." Said Snape as he turned and walked back to the front of the classroom.
"Accio Lawn chair!" Exclaimed Squirrel and Zeke Simultaneously as they brandished their knives.
The two sat in the back flicking the caps from beer bottles as they finished them, at the other students who turned angrily only to see the two young men sitting innocently. Though occasionally when a young lady would look back Squirrel would attempt to proposition her for less than moral things.
"You two imbeciles, pay attention!" Yelled an angry Snape.
"Hey, I'm paying attention! Look at this chick's ass, Tape! Look at it!" Squirrel shouted back, pointing at Hermione Granger.
"I will not tolerate this behavior in my classroom!"
"You gotta admit, it is a nice ass." Interjected Zeke.
Everyone cowered a little as Squirrel abruptly stood up, and pulled out his knife.
"Accio, ass!" He shouted.
Hermione screamed as her chair flew backwards, yanking her with it for a couple of feet.
"You know, you probably could have went without slapping her ass, bud." Said Zeke, as they sipped beer, walking together down the castle lawn.
"Hell far, I don't summon booty unless I am either going to slap it, or worse."
"Aiiight I reckon that's- Hold the fuck up what is that!"
Squirrel looked as best as his beer goggles would let him in the direction that Zeke was pointing.
"Ah hell, that's one of them horse things that crazy girl plays with all the time. You cant see em unless you've witnessed someone die. Who'd you see die?" Squirrel answered.
"My cousin, John. Autoexotical ass fixation the doctor people called it. I was watching him cause I was gonna see how long it took for the ceiling fan to break. You?"
"Brother Jimmy. Weird sort of dude, but crazy as hell. He met his maker in the great racing mower crash of '97. Insisted on an open casket funeral, too. Crazy as hell."
The two made their way over to the Thestrals, and five minutes later , Hagrid peered out his window at the sounds of yelling, horses, and a generally loud commotion. His eyes were greeted by the sight of Zeke riding around on a bucking, and clearly upset Thestral, while Squirrell stood below laughing and drinking his ever-present beer.