"When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love."
Dean Winchester was tired. He'd lost everything that ever made him happy. Lisa and Ben were at home, living normal, care free lives. Supernatural free lives.
Dean free lives.
He felt guilty. They'd been attacked because of his foolishness. Liza had nearly died. And, oh god, he'd made Ben shoot a demon. Sure the dead sonovabitch deserved it, but Ben shouldn't have had to do it. Now he's lost both of them forever. How could he have been so stupid? How could he think he'd just be able to leave hunting behind? But for the short time it lasted, it was the best year of his life.
But now he was alone.
"When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there's no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love."
Castiel watched from afar as Dean sat on the hood of the Impala, staring out over the empty field before him. He knew Dean's thoughts. He felt guilty and worthless. But Cas knew that this was false. Dean was not worthless. Quite the opposite in fact. Without Dean, the world would've been destroyed several times over. He single-handedly stopped to apocalypse for goodness sake. Survived purgatory. No, Dean was not worthless. But for some reason, he thought so. To Castiel, it was heartbreaking. Someone so wonderful and so caring thought himself to have less worth than the dirt under his boot. Cas would truly never understand humans.
"I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong."
Dean wanted to die. He felt responsible for every horrible thing that had ever happened to those he loved. His father died to save him, Lisa and Ben almost died because of him, Sam got stuck in the pit because of him. All those souls he'd tortured in Hell. Bobby would probably still be alive. Heck, it was his fault Sammy even left Stanford and left Jessica behind in the first place, just because Dean didn't want to find his father dead alone. He hated himself for that. He'd tried to die, tried to make things right, to fix them. But fate, it seemed, wouldn't let him go. God, why couldn't it just end? Why couldn't he go back to the few months before his mom died when she was making him breakfast and singing to Sam and tucking him in every night, saying that angels were watching over him. It was so safe. But it was his fault she died too. He'd had to open his big mouth and tell Azazel about him and Sam in the future. He was so stupid.
"I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love."
Castiel knew he had to get to Dean before anything bad happened. He started forward to where Dean was perched on his car. "Dean." Dean turned to the angel with a sad expression. "Hey Cas." He spoke softly and sullenly. "Whats up?"
"I am worried about you Dean."
"Aww Cas. I didn't know you cared." Dean attempted to make a joke.
"Dean I'm serious. You are not emotionally stable now. I've seen other humans with similar looks on their faces. Their lives do not end well."
"Gee Cas, you don't really get the concept of sugar coating do ya?"
Castiel ignored the confusing phrase. "Dean. I think I know what you are feeling. You feel guilty, betrayed and worthless. You blame yourself for everything bad that has ever happened to you or the ones you care about. But you are wrong. You are not worthless; you are not to blame."
"Oh yeah Castiel? Well then explain to me why everyone leaves me if I'm not a screw up. Dad left me, Lisa left me, Sam left me, hell, you even left me, Cas. Mom, and Jess and Bobby are all dead because of me. Tell me how am I supposed to live knowing that I'm so much of a mess that everything I care about either dies or leaves? No, you don't know what I'm feeling. You can't possibly understand."
Cas looked at the broken man with intense sympathy. "You're right Dean, I don't know," his voice had softened. "But I have felt disheartened in such a way that I wish I was dead too. I left my garrison, Dean, my family, because of something two humans with horrible reputations of chronological lying told me. I fought in a civil war for that very same reason, following my heart like you told me I needed to. I killed so many of my brothers and sisters. And I killed many more when I tried to fix the problem by becoming god. But I just made things worse. I killed humans, angels, and I almost killed Sam. I felt so guilty, I stayed in purgatory to pay my penance, but even then there was a plan. I have been for so long part of others' plans that I have almost forgotten what I was fight for in the first place. It wasn't for my father, for the angles, for the earth. And, though I value the lessons it has taught me, it was not about free will either. It was for you. To keep you safe."
Dean looked up into Castiel's eyes. For the first time, he was able to distinguish all the emotions running rapid in them. Worry, guilt, anger. But most of all, love.
"The storms are raging on the rolling sea,
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet."
Suddenly it was all too much. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the guilt weighing him down further and further towards hell. Or maybe it was the possibility that Cas felt the way Dean always hoped he'd feel. The tears came down from his glistening green eyes, and his body slumped forward into Castiel's chest. He sobbed as Cas ran his fingers through Dean's dark blonde hair, holding him closer. "Shh, Dean. It's ok. Everything will be ok. I promise I will never leave you again." He held Dean for what felt like hours until the sobs subsided into sniffles. They had both settled down on the hood of the Impala, with Dean's head resting on Cas's shoulder, arms wrapped around each other. After a few minutes of silence, Dean spoke up.
"Do you mean it? You'll never leave me?"
"Of course Dean. I will never leave your side. Even if you want me to."
"I could never want you to leave Cas. I-," Dean swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, taking in a deep breath.
"I love you Castiel."
"I love you too Dean."
"I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
There is nothe I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love.
To make you feel my love."
Castiel looked up at the stars in the night sky, Dean curled up under his arm, snoring softly. "The angels are watching over you Dean. I am always watching over you."