Disclaimer:
Not too long ago, we were discussing the plot of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, especially the fact that (spoiler alert!) Voldemort had a daughter. With Bellatrix Lestrange. One of us didn't know that and nearly vomited because, well, it's disgusting. And also absurd. After talking about it for a while, we realized it was hilarious. The story is practically begging to be ridiculed. So why not write a satirical fanfiction about how little Delphi came into this world and affected the lives of those around her? Who doesn't want to read about Bellatrix changing diapers or Voldemort going to battle with a baby carrier strapped on his chest? However, we have neither read the Cursed Child nor do we intend to; we know that our story doesn't follow the story in the play and honestly, we couldn't care less. We just got the inspiration from the ridiculous and disturbing notion that Voldemort had sex. Please enjoy, rate and review 😉

Plato Parsons reluctantly walked to the enormous iron gate. He pulled up his sleeve and traced the intricate design on his right forearm. He shivered as he recalled the initiation ceremony - the excruciating pain as the dark mark was being carved into his flesh. Trembling, he lifted his arm and pointed the mark towards the gate. The heavy creak of the iron dragging on pebble startled him as it opened before his thrilled eyes. He quickened his pace and headed to the main entrance, trying to hide from the lashing rain and the blinding lightning. The gigantic castle grew taller as he approached. Fear and excitement were fighting in his heart; finally, he was going to meet him.

He had hoped that this moment would have come earlier; however, the Dark Lord had not been present in his initiation ceremony. Back when his followers were fewer, he was always the one to carve the dark mark on their forearm; but as the Death Eaters grew in number, he was unable to be there at all times. "He has more urgent duties to attend to" the blond haired man who gave him the mark had informed him when he frowned with disappointment. Little did he know back then that he would be visiting that man's residence to present himself before Lord Voldemort. The tales he had heard about his accomplishments would finally be incarnated into a living, breathing person. If, of course, you could possibly suggest that the Dark Lord resembled a person in any way.

The entrance door opened for him and he found himself in a massive hall which was, however, deserted. He looked around anxiously, trying to figure out where he was meant to go. Luckily, an indistinct chatter echoed from somewhere on his right. He followed the voices down a gloomy corridor and eventually arrived to his destination. The room was probably a dining hall, with the elongated mahogany table in the middle, the two chandeliers hanging ominously from the ceiling and the flames roaring in the fireplace. Around the table were seated the selected few who were to participate in the next Death Eater mission - an attack to the very heart of muggle London.

He observed them in silence as they turned their eyes towards him; he recognized his old classmate, Severus Snape, sitting on the left side of the table. On the right, he saw the blond haired man again; he now knew that his name was Lucius Malfoy. On his left, he noticed a teenage girl with platinum locks, the very same shade as Lucius'. "She must be Narcissa Black, his fiancee" he assumed. On his right there was another young girl, a little older than the previous one. Her untamed raven curls and the menacing look on her face took him aback.

And right next to her, on the narrow end of the table, sat Lord Voldemort himself. He was as imposing as Plato had imagined; inside his blood red eyes, which created a stark contrast against his pale skin, one could read all kinds of horrors, nightmares that cannot even be reached through one's imagination.

Suddenly, an unexpected sound resonated in the silent hall; if he didn't know better, he would assume it was a baby's cry. Just as he tried to locate the source of the sound, he noticed the raven haired girl reaching for something. He followed her movement with his eyes and, to his great astonishment, he saw her pick up a creature from the Dark Lord's lap. Maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him but…

"IS THAT A BABY?" he uttered before he could contain himself.

Severus Snape turned his head and gave him an alarmed warning look, just as Lord Voldemort rose and directed his attention towards Plato.

"Is there a problem, young man?" he asked gently, a slight threat underlying in his tone.

"Absolutely not, my Lord. But if you don't mind me asking, what is a baby doing here?"

The girl, who was now holding the baby, bared her teeth and growled at him.

"Easy, Bella" muttered Voldemort as he lay an arm on her shoulder, restraining her. "I will deal with this fool myself."

He looked around the table, staring momentarily at each face that met his gaze.

"Who of you will be so kind as to inform our guest about the significance of the infant that so greatly surprised him?"

The girl who had growled at him - he understood now that she was no other than Bellatrix Lestrange - tightened her embrace on the child and kissed its forehead protectively, all while staring at him in fiery anger. Unintentionally, he backed away a few steps.

Severus Snape decided to take the initiative and answer the question.

"Parsons, isn't it?" he asked. Before Plato had a chance to respond, Snape continued. "Well, Parsons, the infant to whom you directed your attention is the new heir. She is the offspring of our Lord and the importance of her presence is of no question."

Plato was certain that he was losing his mind. Had he really just witnessed the terrifying Dark Lord with a baby on his lap? He quickly smothered a chuckle with the back of his hand.

"What was that?"

The red eyes were now fixed on him.

"YOU CONTINUE TO DOUBT THE IMPORTANCE OF MY DAUGHTER? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

Before he could even react, he was thrown to the ground. He winced at the pain that came with the collision. He tried to get up, but he never did. Suddenly, he was in the air. A split second of clarity came, and he then knew what to expect.

Then the spell hit him.

He felt like his whole body was burning, burning from the inside out, like every one of his bones and muscles was revolting against him. A horrid scream filled the air, and it was coming from him. He fervently wished that he were dead, unconscious, anything, if only this could be over. His vision blacked out, his consciousness was withering away.

The last thing he thought of was: "Seriously? A fucking baby?"