Disclaimer; Man, you would have thought that after reading my beautiful fics Colfer would have signed some contract giving me the right to say I DO own Artemis Fowl! But sadly he hasn't read my fics, my fics are not beautiful, he hasn't signed a contract and I STILL don't own the characters…Bugger. Nor do I own WH Smiths.
Authors Note; Hahaa, I just sorta felt like doing this…Lets call it a spoof, condensed version of Artemis Fowl. Hate me if you want…
EDIT: This was taken down and I have absolutely no idea why, so it's back :)
-Artemis Fowl-
-Chapter One-
-Penguins, eBay And Afternoon Naps-
-Chapter One-
Ho Chi Minh City: I am a city people with bad geography skills have never heard of, but I am here and very hot none the less.
Artemis: I am mentioned in the second sentence and when that sentence finishes people are under the impression that I am a childish brat who likes to live in Arctic conditions. Rather like a penguin. I then make an interesting comment, which after getting my readers wanting to know what happened in Cairo divulge no further into the matter and never mention it again.
Butler: I admire the strange child and tell him that a random stranger I have never met who is clearly a twat when he makes an appearance seconds later is a good, truthful man we can entrust our lives to.
Local Teenagers: We have mopeds.
Umbrella: I am not doing my job correctly and am angering Artemis.
Artemis: I now inform you that I am searching for a book, another subject I do not explain. We are only on the second page and Carmane thinks I am a vampire/penguin hybrid who has travelled to a city she has never heard of in search of a library.
Waiter: I am shocked to discover that I am not a waiter but a little boy's pen pal. I am informed about some weapons and feel the urge to drink a cup of tea.
Butler: I am now telling the man I have only just met but trust very much all the different ways I could kill him.
Ex-Waiter, New found pen pal: I haven't got a clue what a fairy is but I decide to show my new pen pal the local alcoholic all the same. I am also being practically held at gunpoint by a man who claims to trust me.
Jeep: I am a pointless jeep moving so slowly that little old ladies with walking sticks are overtaking me. I am later abandoned and am left feeling rather lonely, only waiting to be stolen by one of the moped kids.
Pen pal Nguyen's top: I have suddenly changed from a white silk shirt to a khaki top without attracting attention.
Sprite: I am green.
Artemis: I poison a dilapidated green creature in order to get her book, which I could probably have picked up in WH Smiths for 99p. I then stupidly offer to help her become sane and sober after giving her a bottle of Whisky.
Sprite: I give him my 99p book from WH Smiths and then willingly let him drug me.
Useless information about Butlers and Fowls: I am useless information no one cares about.
Butler and Artemis: We are going home for tea and biscuits.
-Chapter Two-
All of First page and most of second: We tell you all about Artemis' 99p book.
Juliet: I am just randomly thrown in at this point. I am also slacking because my sane employers are not home which means I do not have to work.
Artemis: We have our tea and biscuits and I go to see my insane mother.
Insane mother Angeline: I am insane and do not hesitate to demonstrate my madness at every given opportunity.
Artemis: I use my mothers' madness to my own advantage, leave her yelling about things crawling into her ears and decide not to point out that they are probably nits.
Book: I am a book that is not a book but photographed pages, I am also stubborn and Artemis dislikes me. I feel very unloved and so decide not to help the mud child decipher me.
Artemis: I am not an average child because I have not abandoned my puzzling task which my readers have already solved, and I am not an average adult either because instead of slapping the keyboard I have settled for a much more effective method to vent my anger and have thrown it out the window. I decode the stubborn book but am too lazy to finish the job and get Juliet and Butler to do it for me whilst I go and have a little nap.
Readers with half a brain: We already know that the hieroglyphics are Egyptian and have noticed that the computer would not have been able to decode the book as it would acknowledge the photos as photos (would you believe) and not hieroglyphics, even if he had an OCR scanner he would have to select Egyptian as the language for it to process the photo's as hieroglyphics in the first place.
Information: I am more pointless information wasting pages.
Artemis: I stop being lazy and decide to read the book, which I will later make a profit on by selling it for £1 on eBay.
Book: I am left alone for eighteen hours before Artemis pays me another visit and then sells me on eBay.
-Chapter Three-
Holly: I am a new character and I am angry.
Description of Holly: I am telling you all about angry Holly and her hazel eyes, which are mentioned so many times in the duration of the book they could easily be mistaken for a future plot-line.
Holly: I am angry because Root, my employer whom I purposefully piss off, keeps getting on at me.
Nettle Smoothie: I am an odd drink that no one cares about and am apparently thrown in for a bit of a laugh.
Angry mob: We are very angry and are asking angry Holly stupid questions about stalagmites, warts and blankets.
Holly: I am very late but manage to catch Mulch stealing from his arresting officers pocket.
Mulch: I am also randomly thrown in here and will later be developed into an interesting plot line.
Root: I call Holly into my office and am very angry and red like a tomato. I am also unfair and sexist and try to replace Holly with a sexy but god damn stupid bimbo. I then have a better idea and send Holly to go and get mauled by a troll.
Holly: I am very mad that someone prettier than me might replace me and try to reason with Root who sends me to go and get killed and oddly enough I'm quite happy with the arrangements.
Truculent gnome: I am defiant and lacking in the brain department, which explains why I am wearing a hot-pink suit. I think myself highly intelligent when I think up a witty remark to say to the captain who proceeds to call me an idiot and then buggers off.
Holly: I call a gnome an idiot and then proceed to be very cocky to my friend.
Foaly: I am a sarcastic, irritating, childish, paranoid, unappreciated genius of a centaur but you all love me anyway. I knock the cockiness out of Holly by telling her she is going to be murdered soon by a cow-eating troll.
Holly: I am terrified and sitting in a pea-pod. Oddly enough the pea-pod doesn't blow up and I make it to the surface. I then make a fuss about a set of wings and go for a quick fly through Italy. I find the troll going into a restaurant and display immense stupidity by disobeying a direct order so that I can go get mauled by the thing. We have a quick fight in front of staring humans and then I set him on fire. After knocking out all the humans I decide that it is naptime and fall over.
Root: I, who have so far done nothing but display redness and fury, do most certainly NOT like Holly Short in any way, shape or form but am very worried about the fact that she appears to be sleeping on the floor.
Holly: I am rudely roused from my slumber and am then petrified by Root's redness and consider fainting again.
Small Italian child: I am a small and stupid child and I find the fact that fairies are attaching probes to my family's' heads perfectly normally. I join everyone else for a quick snooze.
Holly: I fail to shield and then make a pathetic excuse up.
Root: I get redder and since Holly has now given me a million and one reasons to fire her don't bother and send her to complete the ritual.
-Chapter Four-
Chapter: I start by rambling on about the loch-ness monster, puzzles and keys.
Artemis: I start to inform the Butler siblings about fairies.
Juliet: I am concerned for Artemis' sanity.
Artemis: I am mad with Butler.
Butler: I am very embarrassed and ashamed of my baby sisters' habits of getting me into trouble with my twelve-year-old boss.
Artemis: I scold Butler then continue.
Butler: I am told to go and buy mirrored sunglasses.
-Change of scenery-
Holly: I am illegally flying over Europe because I don't think I have given Root enough reasons to sack me yet.
Hummingbird wings: We are unfairly being forced into doing something illegal.
Holly's suit: Is acting as an electric blanket.
Holly: I am not only flying illegally over Europe but am considering going to Disneyland too. I still don't think I have given Root enough reasons to fire me.
Strange fairy words with odd accents above them: We are just here to confuse you as we know that you still don't quite get what fairies are, haven't got a clue what the ritual is and are confused by what magic is so by adding words such as 'De Danann' we are making this easier for you.
The Irish: Are considered insane.
Holly: Spends a few minutes pondering over whether the cow is a threat and then lands.
-Back to Artemis-
The four months of stakeout: We are wet, tedious, boring and are backing up Juliet's theory that Artemis is insane.
Foil tent: I am in a ditch.
Jeep: I make a brief appearance here.
Butler: I forget that my boss is a child and ask him why he's moping around like one.
Artemis: I start to say something, which may or may not be intellectual.
Proximity alarm: I flash.
-To Holly again-
Holly: I take off my helmet - another illegal thing.
Holly's ears: We are mentioned on several occasions and are very sensitive.
The view: I am picturesque.
This section of chapter: Is pointless.
-Take it Arty!-
Butler and Artemis: We put groovy designer sunglasses on.
Butler: I try to shoot Holly.
This section of chapter: Is equally as pointless as the previous.
-Hit it Holly!-
Holly: Despite the fact that I am rummaging around on the floor like a scavenger I notice that someone is shooting at me. I draw my weapon and do a roly-poly into a tree.
Butler: I am beside the tree. I am very mean and take Holly's gun.
Holly's fingers: Are like spaghetti.
Me: Who thinks Holly's various body parts are getting mentioned too often?
Holly: Is saying stupid things and thinking the obvious for our benefit.
Secrets: We are no longer secret.
The Mesmer: My part is small and unfair and the words I have to use are rather ridiculous, I need a new agent.
Holly: I am shot.
Artemis: I am merciless and sadistic.
Holly: I have - worryingly- only just being acknowledged as female.
Camera: My part is even more insignificant than the Mesmer's.
Holly: I am put into a bag.
-Chapter Five-
Root: I am chewing a cigar. My cigars description takes up a whole paragraph.
Foaly: I demonstrate my indispensability by antagonizing my boss.
Computers: We are pampered to bits by Foaly; he doesn't let us smoke. We have nothing against it.
Foaly: Considering Holly is supposed to be my best friend I don't seem to bothered that she has been kidnapped.
Root: I am very stressed and mad that Holly is doing illegal things behind my back.
Foaly: I act like Holly's solicitor for several minutes then refuse to go straight to the point but eventually show boss man the hypodermic dart.
Root: I am now worried, not only about Holly sleeping on the floor, but about Holly full stop. I don't however worry for long and soon set about reactivating myself.
-Back to Artemis - What a surprise…-
Artemis: I feel we may as well do something a bit touristy whilst we're here so instruct Butler to take me to see the Japanese Whaler - which I hate.
Butler: Does as he is told.
Jeep: I am back! I am the one getting them to the docks but do I get any credit? No. That's fame for you.
-And back to Root-
Root's belly: Is fat.
Foaly: Is sarcastic.
Root: Is scared about travelling in a pea-pod for some unknown reason.
-Moving back to Artemis…-
Bolts: We are magnetic and hard to open.
Artemis: I have a brain wave.
Camera: I'm back!
The Docks: We are here.
Artemis' Jokes: Are lame.
The Dockers: Are mummies boys.
Butler: I get to kick butt here.
The Water: I am polluted and have just had someone painfully thrown into me.
Customs and Exercise: We are here. Just after the nick of time.
-This is getting tiring but back to Root…-
Root: I am shaking.
Fairy Fort: Sorry! No room at the inn!
Root: I am authorotive and wreck the little fairies holidays by making everyone bugger off below ground.
Elf/Goblin Hybrid: I sell my stocks.
Readers reading book for a second time round: Vaguely wonder what Elf would be stupid enough to marry a giant lizard, let alone have his/her children. Strange, red-haired green scaly things are brought to mind and we quickly move on.
-Ok, lets pay Holly a visit-
Holly: I am sleepy again and have a bad headache. I mistake a Lili Frond look-alike for a fly.
Juliet: I am offended but giggle a lot and display false stupidity for a laugh.
Holly: I am intimidated by a name.
Juliet: We discuss my eyelashes for a while then I stop being stupid.
Holly: I am a bit miffed that the human-fly was messing around with me but I have something sticking into my ankle, and as we all know comfort is a much more pressing matter than abduction.
-Knocks and Root's door- Hi, we're back!-
Root: I am looking for Holly.
Foaly: I have been a bad pony and played computer games instead of updating Dublin's map back in the 1870's, I now get shouted at for doing so.
The Coastline: I - apparently - have changed.
Foaly: I display more sarcasm and come up with a substitute map.
Room full of laughter: We are laughing.
Root: I am being very very VERY stupid and get highly confused when the beacon moves.
Room full of laughter: We laugh a bit more.
Root: I go on a ship and decide to be very manly and threaten a rat. I then end up in a big freezer.
Bomb: I look like I am talking to Root.
Artemis: I say hello and give the fairy man my name.
Root: I - rather surprisingly - shout.
Bomb: I'm going to blow up fairly soon.
Root: IT'S A BOMB!
Artemis: Is providing a handy countdown.
Root: Is abusing his wings in attempt to stay alive.
Bomb: I blow up.
Polluted Water: God damn it! I have another person thrown into me.
Root: I shout a bit more for good luck.
Foaly: I do as I'm told for a change.
Authors Note; Sooo, what d'you think? Pretty bad isn't it? Please review!
EDIT: Few things changed, but nothing drastic. Will be doing Chapter 3 now! Sorry for the delay.