I just had to write this to deal with some of the grief of DP leaving. It's a little something going down in a courtroom a year after Nick Amaro left New York, and Amanda Rollins. Shots may be fired, it might get a little heated, chaotic, but we're not talking bullets. Might be slightly PG rated. This just had to be written, written in a single day though which I hope didn't bring down the quality. Enjoy. XO
A year without you
"It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," whispered the heart. ~ unknown
Courthouse
New York City
June 8th 2016
Amanda walked up the stairs to the courthouse with a big knot in her gut. Why did she have to be here? Why had Liv called her down there? She hadn't even been involved in this case. Her presence was surely unnecessary. They had so much to do at the station. This was an inconvenience.
It was also nerve wrecking. She knew who would probably be there. That same person she'd feared would walk in to the station at any moment this week and whose presence she had tried to prepare herself for mentally. Preparation that had been wasted as he hadn't even showed up. Instead Liv had ducked out of the station this entire week, probably heading to meetings with him somewhere else. Why didn't he have the decency to show up at his old job? Surely he would want to say hello to his old squad? Or did they mean nothing to him any longer? She meant nothing to him any longer.
Liv had only told her to get there. Not to bring anything or given her a clue to why. Or exactly where but she assumed she could find them in Barba's office and headed there. His secretary wasn't there though, the door to his office closed and when she knocked no one came to open. She couldn't hear anyone inside. Where the hell where they? Why call her down there? Why put her through this?
Amanda saw someone walk by in the corridor and hurried out.
"Excuse me?" she called after the well-dressed man.
"DA Barba? Have you seen him?" she asked once he'd stopped and turned to face her.
"No, sorry," he said shaking his head before he turned to keep walking away from her.
Great. Amanda sighed and pushed her hands down her jacket pockets. She immediately regretted it as it made the fabric in her blouse stick to her apparently sweaty back. She peeled the jacket off and tried readjusting her blouse. Why did everything feel so uncomfortable right now? And why had she wore these jeans today? Just because he'd said once that she looked nice in the tight pair. Stupid.
She walked back down the hallway as she got her phone up to maybe try and get a hold of Olivia. She couldn't walk around here all day. Not that she'd been there that long but still.
She heard the heels of someone and picked up her step to catch however it was.
"Sorry, DA Barba? Have you seen him? He's not in his office," she asked once she caught the attention of the clerk.
"I think he's down in one of the courtrooms, prepping," the woman said and gestured back from where she came from.
"Thanks," Amanda said and hurried away from the woman. There was something about the way she looked at her. Amanda could even feel her eyes drill in to her back as she walked down the corridor. Why did she feel so uncomfortable?
A lot of negative thoughts spun around Amanda's head but she was forced to pull out of them as she saw Barba and Liv coming rushing down the corridor.
"Amanda great but…" Liv said hesitant as she slowed down slightly while Barba just kept walking past Amanda without even greeting her. Rude. But what could she expect out of Barba?
"Olivia," Barba said strict further down the corridor.
Amanda looked baffled at Liv. Liv shot her a smile.
"Wait for us in courtroom 3, we'll be right back," Liv said and started to walk after Barba.
"But Liv…" Amanda tried, "We are swamped at the station…, why am I even here?"
"I need you to take an under aged witness but she never showed up, Barba is a little…" Liv made a face looking down the corridor.
"Olivia," Barba's stern voice echoed against the walls.
"Liv," Amanda tried even though she knew she'd lose Olivia in any battle against Barba.
"Courtroom 3 okay?" Liv said.
"Oh c'mon," Amanda uttered but regretted it as she could hear how childish she sounded.
"I need you to take the girl Amanda, please, I need to be able to count on you," Liv said piercing her eyes in Amanda. Amanda folded her eyes down, shoulders dropped and Liv felt a little mean. She knew she could count on Amanda these days. She'd been a model detective for this past year even while going through some personal stuff Liv had just a little insight in to.
"Amanda, please, I'll be right back," Liv said a little softer and caught Amanda's eyes before she hurried after Barba.
Amanda stayed planted just watching her lieutenant's back and stayed until she could no longer hear the echo of her steps. Why did this feel like being abandoned by her mom and dad yet again? She growled a little just because she knew it would make her feel better and it did. To an extent at least. Why couldn't she have just gone with them? she thought as she tried to find courtroom 3. Grabbing on to the door she knew exactly which courtroom she was about to enter. The same one she'd been in a year and a half ago prepping for a testimony with Barba that she would never be allowed to actually give. She'd been here since though, it was no big deal. She still harden herself with a deep inhale before she pulled the door open though.
It was lighter in there today. Didn't feel as suffocating as she'd remembered it. She could see what she figured was Barba's suitcase on the prosecutor's side and a lot of papers spread out on the desk. Take the girl. What girl? She didn't even know what this case was about. She walked further up, thinking she would take a peek at Barba's files, he had left them wide open after all.
She stopped dead in her tracks though as she heard something that told her she wasn't alone in there and she felt all air sucked out of her as she saw Nick sitting up on the bench at the very front of the gallery. He looked very different from how she remembered him. He also looked tired.
Once he realized who she was a wide smile spread over his rugged face. He hadn't shaved for a day now and he felt it under his fingertips as he a little embarrassed touched his own chin as he stood up from the bench.
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," he said slowly making his way out of the row.
"You… didn't… scare me," Amanda said feeling stupid for sounding so dumbstruck.
She couldn't look at him and turned slightly to the side so she wouldn't have to. His hair looked longer, curlier. He was tanned. She'd been able to tell on his toned arms that stuck out from a casual tee. He had jeans on right? She had to glance his way but immediately regretted it as he was still looking at her and she caught another look of that stupid grin over his face. Correction, that adorable grin over his face. But also stupid. Why was he smiling at her? If he was happy to see her why hadn't he come by the station?
"I thought I'd just lie down for a bit," he said once she'd turned away again. He could tell his presence bothered her and it was a little painful for him to see as all he'd looked forward to was seeing her again since he knew he would be making a trip out east. She'd folded her arms around her, hugging her jacket close to her body in that defensive way of hers. Her face looked wary too but she was still gorgeous. He'd always been attracted to that hostility she pulled off so effortless. It looked effortless but he'd known what toll it took on her. He'd seen the difference once it rinsed off her. Once she'd been able to let her guard down around him. He was attracted to that Amanda too.
He had to shake the memories off to be able to get his speech back and end what he'd meant to say.
"We came in early this morning, been on the road all night," he said. She abruptly turned her head towards him.
"This morning? You only arrived this morning?" she asked a bit surprised.
"Yeah, didn't you hear? Our plane had to do an emergency landing in Kentucky," Nick let her know, "And you know how tricky it is with prison transfers right? Had to spend a night at a motel as he was in county lock-up and it looked as we would have to stay another night so I just took a car and brought him here. Bushed but we're here, and you know… what makes Barba happy makes…"
"…us all happy," Amanda filled in. They shared a low chuckle. Nick held Amanda's eyes until she felt forced to look away again. She bit down on her lip. She felt dumb for making such a big deal of him not stopping by the station sooner. He hadn't even been in the city.
"You…," he started but stopped as she glanced his way.
He'd wanted to say she looked good. She did but he wasn't sure it was appropriate for him to say after all this time. He wasn't sure he had the right to. But she looked so good he couldn't tear his eyes off her. He'd always liked her in tight jeans, he liked anything that gave him a good look of her toned legs. And that ass, get a grip Amaro. He gave her an innocent smile trying to cover up the not so innocent thoughts in his head. He didn't recognize the blouse, it must be new. It matched her skin tone well. He knew he might be starving after a whole year apart from her but she looked even better than in his daydreams.
"What?" she asked, a little annoyed he kept her waiting.
"You… I mean how you been?" he tried to cover.
"How I been?" she asked looking a little doubtful.
"Yeah, it's been a while," he said. She huffed.
"What?" he had to ask. He wasn't sure what she seemed annoyed about.
"Whatever," she mumbled and turned around.
His eyes got immediately drawn down to her ass and he found it hard to break the stare. He scratched his head a little as he managed to redirect his eyes slightly to the side of her. So she was pissed about something. He wasn't sure what but he felt a need to find out.
"What's wrong Amanda?" he asked taking a step closer to her. Even with her back to him she seemed to sense he got closer and she removed herself, walking in behind the last row in the gallery.
"It's been a year Nick, a how you been won't cover a year," she just said shaking her head still hugging her jacket close to her even though she could feel sweat break through her blouse.
"Well if you'd picked up when I called it wouldn't have been a year," he said not wanting to take the entire blame for their lack of communication this past year.
"You moved away," she said giving him a glare that she as usual couldn't keep for long as he didn't give her the hostile look back. Had he, he was sure she'd been able to keep glaring, she mastered the skill of hostile stare downs.
"You know why I had to Amanda, we discussed it," he countered.
Memories of that time flooded him. The hard hit that he hadn't a career within the NYPD to look forward to. The shooting at this very courthouse. Weeks of physical therapy. Which she'd been helpful with. She'd practically lived at his place during those weeks, coming over once shift was over and mostly spent the nights tending to his every need and put up with his complaining. He felt a little embarrassed over the things she'd seen and the things he'd put her through during that time.
He had done a lot of thinking during all that, time he had plenty of. He could feel how getting shot down, both literally and figural by the department, would turn him bitter. He had to evaluate the situation as it wasn't good for anyone. Not for him, and not for her either.
Going over the pros and cons in his head she had been the one thing keeping him in New York. But he hadn't liked being dependent on her. He didn't mind to be called old school but he wanted to be the one doing most of the caring. He'd felt wasted. Good for nothing. A failure now that he couldn't advance within the department and the knee setting him back. And he feared she would never be the girl that would lean on him when times got tough.
It had been bluntly clear to him that day when he'd discussed it with her. About his plans to maybe move cross country. He could see that it shocked her. Maybe even hurt her but when her eyes teared up she'd felt forced to remove herself. Easily escaping a room now that he was on crutches. He'd caught up to her, said they needed to talk about it but she said it was nothing to talk about as he'd obviously made up his mind.
She'd soften up slightly, said she got that he had to choose his kids but leaving out herself as the one he turned down in the process. He'd tried to get her to talk more about it, tried to express the feelings he had for her but she'd wanted nothing of that. Like she'd turned a switch in her head and whatever they had was non-existent. They had a party at their sergeant's to attend and they really had to head out was all she had to say.
He'd felt disappointed that she hadn't put up more of a fight for him but later, when they were already a country apart, he'd come to realize what a virtue that was. She hadn't wanted him to have to make the choice so she'd made it for him. He'd tried calling but she never picked up. Never replied to emails or texts. Out of desperation he'd called Fin just to learn she was still breathing at least. He'd talked to Fin a few times, tried to not make it too obvious he was really calling to get news on her but Nick was pretty sure Fin grasped his reasons. And then life had just taken over and he'd stopped calling.
"Whatever," Amanda said bringing him out of his thoughts, "I don't have time to be here."
She seemed to be heading towards the door but Nick just couldn't let her leave. Yet.
"Wait," he said a little too loud making her jump, "I thought Liv said she wanted you to take Sophie, I mean when she gets here."
"Sophie? I don't know anything about this case," Amanda said.
"Well you can have a look," Nick said gesturing back at the desk with all the papers, "Barba's file…"
Amanda looked from the papers to him and back again. She was curious. She knew Nick had brought a prisoner here to testify in a high profile case Liv had been involved in. Looking at the file though meant having to walk down to the desk, to pass him… She wasn't sure if it was the file or getting closer to him that made her start walking down the aisle. She kept her eyes down, kept her distance from him and pretended his presence meant nothing to her. But she felt his eyes on her as she passed and it made every step hurt as all she wanted was more than his eyes on her. She wanted to hug him. To feel his body next to hers. She thought she'd gotten over him but right now she longed for every fibre of him.
She threw her jacket over a chair and moved around some papers on the desk even, or maybe because, she knew Barba would hate it. She found the file and picked it up, started reading but got a little distracted as she felt him walking up to her. She did her best to keep her breathing normal and to comprehend what she was reading as he leaned slightly in front of her to grab something off the desk, their arms rubbing up slightly against each other's in the process.
"This is Sophie," he said and held out a photo in front of her, "she was held by my convict and witness the defendant murder the victim."
She felt a weight in her chest as she watched the young woman on the photo and took in what those innocent brown eyes must've seen. She wanted to have a closer look on the photo but feared that their hands would touch if she did so she refrained from it. She went back to her file instead, tried to focus but him staring at her made it difficult. She could feel his eyes on her. And she hated that she liked it so much.
"What?" she finally had to ask and gave him an annoyed glance. He looked caught. His dimples showing as he gave her a silly grin.
"Your hair's longer," he stated having watched her ponytail for a while or maybe more so those soft curls that still seemed to form by her neck at her hairline when she got warm. He used to love to play around with them. That was when she let him. She wasn't so much for cuddling but he'd gotten a sense she'd warmed up to it when it came to him.
"Well hair grows, it's been a year," she said trying to sound annoyed but it didn't come out as harsh as she'd wanted it to. Why was he looking at her hair anyway?
"Yours too," she said though after a while as she couldn't focus back on the file. She glanced a little his way and she couldn't pull her eyes away as his hand went up and through those soft curls of his. She felt a desire to swipe her hand through them as well.
"Haven't gone over to the summer do yet," he smiled and she had to look away before he lured her to smile too.
She realized it would be impossible to read this file now. He was standing so close she could feel his warmth. Had her blouse had short sleeves their skin might've even touched. Just the thought of their skins touching made her heart flutter. Why was his presence doing this to her? She was over him. Right?
"So you went back…" she said trying to get out of her own head. He gave her confused look as he wasn't following.
"You're a detective," she said hinting to the badge on his hip.
"Ah yeah, I just… I mean I tried looking around but nothing felt…," he shrugged. He wasn't sure how to explain it. He'd looked at other jobs, interviewed for a sales job and tried it for a few days but it just didn't suit him.
"Once a cop, always a cop," Amanda tried and he nodded.
"But the knee…" she asked glancing down a little but she really wished she hadn't as she felt a weird sensation down her own lower regions while letting her eyes run over his.
"Heeled almost completely, much thanks to you," he said and it warmed his heart to finally see a hint of a smile on her face. She shied away though, a slight blush on her cheeks which he found endearing and his heart skipped a beat. One of many since she entered. Maybe he should be worried? Maybe she was toxic for her? The thought only made his smile wider though. He'd known from the very start that getting it on with her would mean trouble. And boy had he been right. But still… he didn't regret anything. Even the worse times had meant being with her so he'd take it.
Looking back there were a lot of things he would've done differently. Things he wished he would've said and… issues he wished he'd pushed harder on. He'd been too afraid to push her at times, hell most of the times. He'd been afraid to get down to the core of things. What lingered behind that toughness and, at times, roughness. He could've been better for her back then.
She was still holding on to the file but it was now mostly just to hold on to something so she wouldn't fidget like she usually did when she was nervous.
"But the advancement, or rather the lack of it…" she asked knowing how excited he'd been about the sergeant's exam only to have those dreams crushed almost instantly.
"Well, detective isn't so bad… and who knows, new department, so far so good," he said and added with a wink; "Haven't beaten up anyone so far."
The giggle she let out sounded horrible inside her head but it had been impossible to prevent. That wink. That dimple. They made strange things happen inside of her. Get a grip Amanda.
"But you're back at narcotics…" she said even though it gave away she had checked up on him after his departure.
"Yeah, it was the only opening they had but it's good. I mean narcotics is tough too but not in the same way as special victims, well you know…"
Amanda nodded.
"Liv told me she's trying to get you taking the sergeant's exam…" Nick tried.
He hadn't kept in touch with Liv either, life got in the way but since their paths crossed with this case they'd talked some and he'd taken the chance to update himself on Amanda.
She just shook her head.
"You really should, not only to get rid of the deadbeats I've heard has passed through the squad since I left."
Amanda huffed, he wasn't wrong about that.
"Why don't you?" he had to ask.
"I'm fine with just being a detective," she said as she didn't feel like getting in to it with him too, having Liv on her back about it was enough. She had enough with herself right now, the stress of going for sergeant was the last thing she needed. In a year or two maybe.
She tried to read the file again, wanting to know what she was getting in to if she was going to bond with this teen. She got distracted again as his hand suddenly came closer to her face. She shied away which made him immediately freeze with his hand in the air between them.
"I was just… the tag," he said as he'd suddenly not been able to resist touching her and the tag in her blouse was sticking up if only just a little.
He proceeded slowly as she kept her defensive pose leaning slightly away from him. His fingers brushed against her neck as he pushed the tag down carefully, and as slowly as possible so he could linger there for a few moments longer. He couldn't help himself and took a detour down her back, let his hand brush underneath her ponytail as he pulled it back. The way her strands felt against the back of his hand made memories flush over him again.
That soft hair by the slant of his neck during those rare moments she cuddled up next to him on the couch. That time she'd let him comb it after a shared shower. That hair brushing over his bare chest on the bed, at times feeling as a whip as they got extra heated which let's face it they most often did. And all those times he'd played with her strands while listening to her snoozing next to him in bed.
She suddenly cleared her throat, dropped the file down at the desk and took a few steps away from him. He could tell he'd made her uncomfortable and it hadn't been his intention at all. There had been a time when she'd actually not been uncomfortable at all around him, times when she'd let her guard down and he'd taken pride in knowing she could be herself around him. But then that bar fight had happened during the AJ Martin case and whatever they had was on hiatus for a few months.
That was up until Patton arrived in their city and that whole ordeal unravelled. Unravelled was perhaps the wrong word, he'd never gotten the full story on what went down between them. He knew Barba had prepped her to take the stand but then the judge hadn't allowed her to testify. He didn't know what she would've said up there but he'd been in court as Barba managed to ruffle Patton's feathers.
"Are you talking about Amanda Rollins? I didn't rape her. Or that other girl. Or any of them. That's what they say when they don't get what they want."
It had all made sense at that very moment. He hadn't wanted to go there before but at that moment it hit him like a ton of bricks. There was no doubt in his mind that Patton had in fact raped her. He knew she would hate him for even thinking it but she did have all the signs. He'd just gotten too close to see them. And then too much of a coward to talk to her about it.
He'd tried to approach her once she got back from that yoga retreat but he'd been in a bit of a phase himself with everything that had gone down with his dad and that charade of a trial. He'd found himself in need of company and hers was the only one he really wanted. They'd spent time together. Just that, time. Eating, watching TV, long walks with Frannie. They'd found things to talk about, they'd discussed his dad a lot but never talked about either Atlanta or Patton.
He watched her now. Here in this courtroom. In New York. More than a year later. He regretted not pushing. He knew how much she hated to be out of her comfort zone but he knew he should've forced her. Loving someone meant dealing with even the hard issues. But he'd been afraid to hurt her, been too afraid to lose her.
Afraid was also what he'd been their first time after… everything. He could tell she was nervous, that she felt uncomfortable, not quite ready to stop thinking and fully succumb to her bodily desires. He'd taken it slow, maybe a little too slow for her liking but it had felt necessary. He'd made sure she was ready. He'd always liked foreplay so he tried to explore that a little with her. For some reason they'd never been that good at that in the past.
It had worked rather well. She had tried to get him going. Hurry up, might have been uttered from her lips a few times that night but he hadn't let her dupe him as he was determined to let it take its time. She needed it. He had needed it. And it had paid off. The reward had been more than satisfying. He smiled at the memory but it vanished quickly. They had just moved on like nothing had happened. And he hadn't pushed. He hadn't fought for her then just like he hadn't fought for her as he made plans to move away. He'd spent a lot of time this past year regretting his actions, or rather inactions.
She rubbed the back of her neck to try and get rid of the lingering feeling of his touch. She felt so conflicted. She wanted to get out of there but another part of her didn't want to leave him behind. But he had left her behind, why shouldn't she do the same to him? If he could hurt her feelings she could do the same to him. Not that she hadn't done enough of that a year or two ago. Looking at him now she felt embarrassed about things she'd done and said to him. All originating from fear and insecurity. She didn't know that then. Back then she hadn't known why she felt a need to keep people out. Why she feared to let people in. She still hadn't figured everything out but she knew at least a little better now.
"Are you seeing someone?" he suddenly asked. She frowned slightly.
"Sorry, it's none of my business," he hurried to say. He shook his head at his own stupidity and turned around to lean against the desk. It nagged inside of him though, glancing over at her he couldn't help but feel a tad jealousy at anyone who got to touch that hair. That cheek. Kiss those lips. Taste her… He had to shake his head again to get the thoughts out of his head.
"Are you?" she suddenly asked and he couldn't help but smile. He liked that she wanted to know, maybe it meant she still had feelings for him too?
"I did," he answered honestly and looked her way. He thought he saw a bit of disappointment over her face.
"I met someone a few months ago," he let her know as he got back on his feet and took a few steps towards her. She looked a little apprehensive even though he was still a far bit away from her. He still redirected his steps a little towards the wall to give her the space she might need.
"We went on a few dates," he said and liked that he could see displeasure on her face.
"She works at the LA courthouse, sharp, good looking," he said and felt a little bad for wanting to rub it in.
He smiled as she folded her eyes down, tried to make it look as though she'd stepped on something even though they both knew the courthouse was meticulous clean, especially in the mornings. And she hadn't moved an inch since he got off the desk.
Amanda cursed inside her head. If he told her he was engaged to get married she would so regret not bringing her gun. Maybe she could use her boot? If he said he was marrying that sharp, good looking lawyer wannabe she would so kick him in the groin.
"But I broke it off before it even started," he said as he felt bad for playing with her.
"She wasn't you," he said once he had her eyes.
She wasn't me? What did he mean? Did he still have feelings for me? Did he really just say that?
"So how about you?" he asked hoping dearly she wasn't seeing anyone. She just kept staring at him though.
"Amanda?" he had to say when she just kept looking close to petrified.
"Huh?" she uttered once she broke her trance.
"Are you? Seeing someone?" he probed.
"Ehm, hum," she suddenly felt unable to form proper words and she folded her eyes down again. He took that as a bad sign. She's seeing someone. I've been replaced.
"No, I…" she said but had to clear her throat a little and she tried straightening up slightly at the same time.
"I haven't… I mean…"
Why was this so hard? But she knew she had to say it. She had to be truthful. Lies and misleads hadn't worked well for her in the past. Not for others, certainly not for herself.
"No, I haven't been seeing anyone since you left," she started and he felt relieved.
"Well I have been seeing someone," she added though and immediately threw him right back towards that black hole that had started calling for him just moments ago.
"Oh why am I making…" she whispered and turned around so he couldn't hear the rest of what she said. …this so hard for myself.
"What I meant to say," she said getting her voice back and turned back around to face him, "I haven't had time to date and stuff cause I've been busy taking care of me. Myself. I've been seeing a shrink. Dealing with… what happened to me, …my rape."
It wasn't easy to say but she said it and it hadn't felt as bad as she thought. She felt a little proud. Doctor Mindlin would be proud of her. She swallowed hard though as she waited for some sort of response from him. Hadn't he known? Surely he must've known?
"That's… great Amanda," he finally said and it was her turn to feel relieved once his face broke out into a soft smile.
"I'm really…" he started and had wanted to say proud of her but he wasn't sure he had that right any longer.
"…glad for you. That's a big step."
"Oh, don't, I mean let's just not make a big deal of it," she said smiling but shaking her head a little as she tried to shrug it off like it was nothing. She took a few steps further out in to the open courtroom so she could turn slightly away from him. He found her embarrassment cute. It was a big deal though. That was a huge step and he couldn't let his infatuation take away from that.
"Don't diminish that Amanda," he said seriously, "That's not an easy step to take."
He wanted to say more, to say he was proud of her and encourage her but he could tell it made her awkward to talk about. Surely it was a big step that she'd just told him about it. Hopefully he'd get more chances to support her with this.
He had held her eyes for a while and he was pleased she didn't shy away this time.
"No it wasn't," she acknowledged sincerely and he wished he'd been there for her during that process.
"But it's all good right," she said and tried a smile to break up the solemn moment.
"It's very good," Nick said.
Again they were left holding each other gazes.
It felt as though they'd cleared the air a little somehow just now but watching him made her feel a little stifling again. Maybe it was the way his tee clung to his chest? It looked as though he'd made a serious attempt at that boxing since he'd left for LA. His arms were ripped. And the tan certainly didn't do anything bad for him. That lawyer wannabe had really missed out.
Something told him the therapy was good for her. Sure she had the thorns out from the moment she'd seen him but he knew her sting could be a whole lot meaner if she wanted to and now she just looked calm. And gorgeous.
She tensed up slightly though as he took just a single step towards her, and she remunerated by taking two steps back, leaving her almost with her back to the judges stand.
"So how's Zara?" she asked, her voice trembled slightly but she fixed that by clearing her throat once the question was out.
"She's good," he said shortly but not rude. It was just his mind was on different things than his daughter right now. The sun reached her where she stood now and the rays going through her blouse showed him her outlines. He felt very tempted to touch her, remembering just how soft her skin was.
"She's nine now right…" Amanda tried as she didn't dare to think about where his mind was at right now. She remembered that look in his eyes and it was enough to make her knees feel weak.
"…going on teenager," he smiled as he got a little closer to her.
"Oh really," she said with a chuckle that reached a ridiculous high pitch before she got a grip on it.
"Really," he said with a nod.
"And… Gil?" Amanda asked, words interrupted slightly when her back hit the judge's stand and she got a little blindsided by the impact.
"He's doing really well," Nick let her know, "good grades, got in to basketball… comes one weekend a month. Calls a few times a week."
"That's… great," she said a little distracted by his slow advance towards her. Cause he was coming closer right? She wasn't sure. He seemed still but like he came sliding towards her. Unreal. But real. He was just a couple of steps from her now. The wood panel pressed hard against her back but she was glad it was there, it meant she had nowhere to run and she really didn't want to run right now.
"House feels lonely though," he said, voice almost a whisper.
"House… you have a house?" was all she could come up with. She swallowed hard watching his eyes land on her lips. She tried to not make herself bite down on it but she was unsuccessful and it made a grin spread across his face. Damn you. Why are you so handsome? How can you still make me feel like this? You left me.
"I got a house," he nodded.
"But what about Zara?"
"She comes around but… she prefers to sleep at Maria's," he said with a hint of sadness to his voice. He did get to see her a lot though, was involved in her school work and he got to take her to riding lessons and gymnastics whenever he was able to.
"So the house feels lonely," he repeated when he was only a yard from her.
"Oh…" she whispered.
She was unsure where to place her eyes. His gaze was too intense to hold for long, his mouth too tempting and that strong chest of his made her have trouble breathing.
"What about the courthouse… lady?" she said having suddenly lost any word for employee.
"I told you…," he said capturing her eyes, "…she wasn't you."
He was right in front of her now. Their breaths colliding all while their bodies electrified the tension between them. He had to fight to keep his hands still to his sides. If he touched her now he couldn't be held accountable for whatever they would get up to. He would plead nolo contendere. Or spellbound by beauty. Surely they would buy it, all they had to do was look at her.
Her palms were pressed against the stand behind her and she had no intention to move them because if she did she knew this court would not see lightly to the inappropriate places they would visit. Disorderly conduct. Her record could handle that right? Fornication wouldn't be that hot in her line of work though.
"Amanda," he breathed.
"Yeah," she managed to release with the next strained breath she took.
"I really want to kiss you now but I need to know…" he had to stop to take a breath and she fought to not let the anticipation rip the words out of his throat.
"Know what…" she breathed as he was left staring at her mouth. His eyes came up to meet hers again. They were like two dark puddles that she couldn't wait to drown in. He smiled and she swore to God if she didn't have the stand holding her up she would've keeled over right there and then. Maybe that wasn't such a bad plan though? Maybe then he would finally put his hands on her?
"Can I kiss you?" he asked.
Are you insane? Can you kiss me? I can't wait for you to kiss me you moron. But for some reason she couldn't get the words out. She'd never been one to contemplate pros and cons. She was reckless God damn it. She never thought before she spoke or before she took chase after a fleeing perp. She just acted. Why couldn't she just act now?
But she feared the consequences. She'd missed him terribly even though she hadn't admitted it to herself. She gambled after he left. She'd tried to keep it together but then one night everything crashed down. She'd gambled, had way too much alcohol, gotten in to a physical altercation with a man she knew had every right to call her a cock-tease and ended up as a close to unconscious mess on the steps of Fin's building.
She'd been lucky that night. She hadn't lost more than what was on her account. She'd gotten away from a man that had expected more than she could deliver. And one of Fin's neighbors had recognized her and brought him down there to scrape what was left of his partner off the pavement.
She'd been lucky but not spared from the humiliation of waking up at Fin's with a used puke bucket by the bed, that came in handy again just moments after she'd gained consciousness that following morning, eye make-up down on her cheeks and bruises on her body that spread quickly to her ego as she saw the look in Fin's eyes.
He'd let her clean up before the scolding. A scolding that lasted quite a while but once his anxiety was out - cause that's what it was all about, he'd been worried, tried to talk to her but she'd given him the cold shoulder – he took her to a meeting and stayed in the room with her as she barely had enough strength to sit up on a chair at that point.
He'd sat through five meetings with her over the next seven days. Made sure she ate, stayed away from alcohol and kept her company. Her plunge down that bottomless crater of self-destruction hadn't gone unnoticed by their sergeant later turned lieutenant. She'd yet again found herself in that office getting a card handed to her. Liv pleaded for her to get that evaluation done. The one she apparently knew Amanda hadn't done all those months ago.
It hadn't been any easier the second time around. She'd been in that waiting room contemplating leaving but just as she reached the door that shrink stepped out. Like he had sensed she was bailing but wanted to catch her in the act so he could use it against her. All she could think about those first minutes of the session was that Liv had sat in that same room, maybe even the same chair, in front of that same little man and she'd probably done a much better job with this sharing crap.
Liv had a good reason to be there. She didn't. She had put herself in harm's way. She knew she wasn't all to blame, Patton had some to own up to even though he would never, but she wasn't innocent. Far from innocent. The slut shamming ringed in her ear as she tried to focus on whatever it was the shrink said. His lips were moving but she couldn't hear him over the banter. Buy Rollins enough drinks and she'll give it up for free. We all knew blondes were easy but Rollins proved it.
She knew she didn't deserve that labeling but for some reason it stuck in her head. She left Atlanta feeling like a slut. Nate had made her feel like a slut. She'd felt used by him so she'd used him right back but it backfired, it only made her feel worse. She'd offered herself to Murphy. It had come surprisingly easy. Once she had nowhere to turn, as she faced doom. She'd sold herself once, why not twice? She'd been lucky that Murphy was one of the good ones but it still had an impact on her.
Maybe the slut brand suited her after all? And she feared sleeping with Nick made that official. She'd never willingly slept with a fellow cop before. These days she had no other word than rape for what Patton had did to her. It was sexual harassment, unlawful use of privileges and rape. She wasn't to blame. For most of it anyways, the doubt lingered at stressful times and this was surely a stressful time.
But she was sure of one thing. She wasn't a slut. Sleeping with Nick didn't make her a slut because it had been love. Yes some raw, animalistic lust but ultimately love. For most it had been good. There had been some bad but it seriously was overrun by the good. She'd had a year to deal, work things through, try and work other things out. She still had some way to go but surely love could only benefit that progress?
"Amanda?" Nick asked barely able to brace himself but the doubt he saw on her face was tearing him up inside. She blinked a few times, like she'd been stuck in her thoughts and now that she came back her eyes seemed even bluer. The most delicious, vibrant color blue that reminded you of tropical oceans and beaches and sunsets and sun kisses and just a wide range of pleasurable images that made you want to soak it all up, lick it all up and never share with anyone cause you wanted it all to belong to you and just you.
"What will I do when you go back to LA? It will break my heart," she whispered.
"Then come with me," he suggested and the willingness he saw on her face made it all that difficult for him to stay off her. He had no doubt now. There was no one else he wanted. He could handle her independence. He wouldn't let that damage his ego. He should be lucky to have a woman who can take care of herself.
And she was in therapy. She was really trying. That meant a whole lot.
"But…" she started but wasn't sure where she was going with it. She didn't want to have doubts but she feared her heart couldn't take another huge setback. That her insecurities would pop up and ruin them again. That he would need her to lean on him more and what if she failed him?
"We can visit, I'll be here for the rest of the week and I want to spend that time with you. You'll come visit. Let's make a go for it. I might need us to try that phone sex thing I hear other people talking about. Skype?" he said with a raised eyebrow.
He looked a little naughty and it made her giggle. Not high pitched this time, and certainly not awkward. Relieving.
"Please say yes, and please woman let me kiss you," Nick growled, making her giggle again. She quiet down quickly and her face turned serious. Her eyes went over every inch of his face but managed to not trail down to his salacious body.
"Yes," she whispered.
"Yes to…" he wasn't sure and he couldn't utter another word as his throat felt dryer than a dessert right now.
"Visiting, and… kissing."
She barely had time to finish the word before his mouth crashed down on hers. He came at her hard but she didn't have to worry about hitting the stand, his arms were already around her taking the blow and she probably wouldn't have felt it anyway. She got completely swept away by the taste of his lips. His tongue demanded immediate access and she had nothing against granting it. He tasted so familiar, she had missed him more than she realized.
One of his hands played around her neck, touching those fine curls he'd studied earlier, while the other searched down her body. He wanted to visit every familiar spot, every curve and felt a deep desire to connect with her skin. He pulled at her blouse, managed to get it up out of her jeans and she moaned in to his mouth as his hand caressed its way up her spine.
His mouth got even more eager and his body came even closer to hers, pushing her up against the stand and she moaned again. Her fingers were digging in to his back, she loved feeling his muscles under her touch but she couldn't get enough. She wanted all of him, right now, right here. She cared about nothing else in that moment.
He had to come up for air after a while but stayed connected with her lips, nibbled at them as he caught her eyes. It was hard to look at one another being that close but they did their best neither wanting to separate and they felt each other's smile against one another. His hands were still on her, one dancing around her neck, the other one underneath her blouse, tracing her bra strap back and forth playing with the thought of unhooking it.
Her hands were on him as well. One up in his hair playing with those long locks while the other one had found its way down his collar, nails digging in slightly by one of his shoulder blades.
"I've missed you so damn much," he whispered.
"Choirboy swears?" she teased biting down on his lip.
"I hate that nickname," he said biting back. She giggled as she pulled her lip out from between his teeth.
"But did you notice I stopped using it once we hit the sack," she smiled. He raised an eyebrow at her. He hadn't.
"I'm more than what meets the eye eh?" he said placing a peck on her lips.
"I don't mind the eye candy," she whispered, "but I'm not complaining about the whole package."
It was his time to giggle but desire took over quickly.
"Uhuh?" he hummed raising his eyebrows as he pushed himself up against her. She nodded, her breath picking up quickly.
"You like the package do you," he whisper as he made a visit by her ear, pressing his erect self against her thigh. She breathed something reminding of a yeah but then swallowed it right back down as he pushed his thigh up between her legs. His mouth trailed kisses from her ear, down her jaw line and found its way to her mouth again.
This time her tongue entered him first and he moaned as he lifted her up slightly from the floor, getting his leg further in between her legs. He sucked in her air as her entire body shivered in his arms. He grabbed a hold of her hair to hold her in place when she tried to separate her mouth from his and then breathed air back inside of her. He fought her tongue for dominance, wanting to enter her mouth and she gave in after just a brief combat. It wasn't a battle she minded losing.
As the kiss intensified even further so did his pressure up against her core and she felt a familiar rouse spread from her core and throughout her body. She grabbed a little desperately at his tee when she couldn't ground herself against the floor and she felt her hips starting to grind against him. She felt warm and flustered all over. She wanted to get out of these clothes, she wanted him inside her clothes.
He had the exact same desire. He'd pulled up even more of her blouse, roamed her back before he tried to push his hand down the back of her pants. He could only get as far down as her butt cheek but it was satisfying enough. He dug his fingers in to her flesh, helped her work her hip against him. She was making him close to bust out of his button down zipper.
He still had one hand in her hair, refused to let her mouth go. He had to stay inside her until he could penetrate other areas. He pulled his hand back up, continued down outside her tight jeans. He gave her butt cheek another squeeze before he travelled further down. To be able to get to where he wanted to go he had to let her mouth go, it was a hard choice but he made it.
Letting her mouth go came with the gratifying reward of hearing her moan though and he listen to it as his mouth worked its way down her neck. All while his hand went in between her legs and he felt lightheaded as he felt the heat radiating from her core through the fabric of her jeans. He wanted to rip the fabric apart, to get in there.
Amanda had felt lightheaded for some time now, eyes falling shut more than they were open, completely succumb by pleasure. His lips and teeth on her neck felt so good. His hand against her core, even with the fabric between them, felt so darn good. She managed to peek up slightly, caught a glimpse of the courtroom doors and her eyes popped further open as she thought she saw a shadow outside. What if Liv and Barba walked in? She wasn't sure she could handle that shame? But how could she stop this wonderful… oh so wonderful sensation of having him close again.
She grabbed a hold of his hair again, demanded the presence of his mouth on hers. Needing his tongue curled around hers one more time. She felt him shift his hands around her, felt herself getting hoisted up a little further making their mouths clash but she didn't mind the slight pain that came with it. He'd placed himself in-between her legs now, making her rest on top of his thighs as he held her against the judge's stand. She felt one of his hands come around her waist, pushing her blouse out of the way so he got access to her skin the whole way around and she moaned in his mouth as he spread his palm out over her stomach.
His hand made a brief visit to both her breasts and she sucked air out of him as he squeezed one of her nipples between his fingers. He would've loved to stick around but his hand turned quickly downwards and she felt him try to squeeze down between her skin and her jeans.
She tried to separate herself from his mouth, tried to utter words in the process but she failed at both. He had her mouth captured and it didn't help that she was reluctant to put a stop to what was happening. But as she felt his hand push down, accidentally ending up outside her panties instead of inside she knew she had to break it up before they got company and the humiliation with being caught in this compromising position was a fact.
She was still reluctant though, wanting nothing else than feel his hand on her, so she bit down hard on his lip. He pulled back with a slight hiss.
"Please stop," she managed to pant. He forgot the pain in his lip immediately.
"Oh my… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered letting her down on the floor slowly. He was sure he'd crossed a line. He'd rushed, pushed her too far, too soon. Damn why couldn't he control himself better?
"No, no, no," she said though keeping him close and not only so he could hold her up as her legs felt like jell-o. She grabbed his face, wanting his attention.
"It's just…" she smiled, needed to catch her breath, "…Olivia can walk in through those doors at any time. That could get awkward."
"She's not my boss," he smiled, dimples showing as he hugged her.
"But she's mine," she smiled wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Not for long," he said, "I meant it, I want you to come live with me. And I want it to be official. No more sneaking around. I want to take you on dates. I want to introduce you as my girlfriend."
She raised his eyebrows at him and he raised them right back.
"I didn't say yes to all that," she said with a cheeky smile. He caught the smile but he still was a little afraid she was being serious. She could tell on his face and decided to not play with his emotions, she'd have time to do that later.
"But okay, you can wine and dine me, whatever," she said rolling her eyes slightly. It made him chuckle, he'd even missed that eye rolling she conquered. He caught her lips briefly. His eyes wandered a little over her shoulder once he let her go.
"You know we can hide behind there," he said cocking his head to the judge's chair, "continue what we started…"
"When did you get so cocky…" she teased.
"You bring the cock-y out of me…" he teased right back. One of her hands had slid down to his waist.
"Oh I can feel that," she said as she let her hand sneak down his crotch. She caught him by surprised but he didn't seem to mind.
"Now you're asking for it…" he said pressing her up against the stand.
"Oh no, no," she giggled trying to turn her face away from him but without having to let him go, she never wanted to let him go ever again.
"Not here, please," she said placing a soft hand on his chest.
"Okay," he whispered coming closer to her mouth but settled with just brushed his lips against hers.
"But I'm claiming you tonight," he said and lured out a chuckle from her.
"But what if I had to stay with the girl?" she suddenly said feeling a hint of despair.
"It can't be an all nighter," he said feeling the same desperation. She gave him a crocked smile. It would be just their luck.
"If it is I'm calling in a favor from Fin," Nick smiled feeling like he'd solved a potential problem, "he probably owes you a couple as well."
"Nah, it's the other way around," she said a little shyly.
"He's a bit of a gossip girl so if you'll spill some of the eventful and outrageous exercises we will perform tonight I'm sure he'd do it," Nick said with a wink. Amanda felt her cheeks blush and she shook her head a little. Eventful? Outrageous? He certainly knew how to sell it. She felt tingly all over just thinking about it.
"LA has ruined you," she said while still shaking her head.
"No I have you to thank for that," he said placing a kiss on her cheek.
He watched her for a while, not wanting to let her go but knew the moment would soon come when he had to.
"My department pays for a hotel so you can come stay with me, or should we save them some money? You think Frannie will let me crash at yours? How is she by the way?" he asked as he realized she'd asked him about his kids but he hadn't asked about hers.
"She's… fine. And she'd loved to see you. She's missed you too," Amanda said.
"Oh so you have missed me?" he said playing with his eyebrows at her. He chuckled at the eye roll he got served. She reluctantly let him go. He had an even harder time letting her go and he made a whimpering noise as she had to force him off. He gave her the puppy look as she started pushing her blouse down her jeans. She gave him a stern eye and told him to fix his hair.
"Why?" he asked though, "I thought we were going public?"
"So you wanna sport that in front of Liv and Barba?" she asked hinting to the bulge in his pants. He rearranged himself with a cheeky smile on his face.
"It would sorta put it out there," he said chuckling at his own joke.
"I see LA hasn't improved your sense of humor," she said succeeding in keeping a straight face as he tried to give her an offended one.
"Watch yourself," he said when he failed to look offended. She raised her eyebrow at him.
"Who are you telling to watch oneself," she asked sturdy. He got a mischievous smile over his face and he grabbed her as she tried to get away. He wheeled her back in to himself and bit down on that spot on her neck that he knew was ticklish. She squirmed but tried to contain her squeal. That was good because it made her able to pick up Barba's stern voice out in the corridor. Amanda felt a bit of panic pushing Nick away from herself and made a quick pat down to make sure her clothes were in order.
"Please let's not tell her yet," she whispered to Nick. He swiped one hand through his hair and then went down south to try and get a handle on the situation down there. He saw the desperation on her face and worried what it was about.
"I just don't want to disappoint her," she tried to explain with the short amount of time they had left.
"You could never disappoint her Amanda," Nick said but caught the look of disbelief on her face.
"I know she'll only be happy for you, for us," he corrected himself just as Barba and Liv stepped in to the courtroom. Nick and Amanda both hurried towards the aisle to get away from their previous crime scene. Surely making out against the judge's stand was a crime.
"So you had some time to reacquaint yourselves?" Liv smiled at them while Barba just walked past them up to his desk. Both Nick and Amanda just hummed trying to swallow immature laughter that was threatening to escape their throats if they opened their mouths right now. Liv looked at them a little peculiar.
"Who moved my papers around?" Barba shrieked from over by the desk.
Amanda bit down on her lip, the last thing she needed now was the comic relief of the AD.
"So Sophie is on her way, it was just a miscommunication," Liv let them know.
"So what do you need me to do?" Amanda inquired.
"We're going to prep her on the stand once she gets here, and then if you could take her back to the hotel, just make sure she gets settled in. And then pick her up in the morning before her testimony," Liv said.
"So she doesn't have to sit with her over night?" Nick asked.
"No, her mom's at the hotel," Liv let them know.
"Good," Nick said and Liv shot him an odd look. She wasn't sure why Nick showed interest in this particular matter.
"So, Nick, you said you were tired, I think we can spare you now if you want to catch some sleep," Liv said.
"That would be great," Nick said and pulled himself further down the aisle, "build up some energy for the big night…"
Liv's eyes narrowed slightly while Amanda bit down hard on her lip.
"I mean I'm in New York City, can't let that opportunity get wasted right," Nick added quickly. Amanda did her best to keep a straight face.
"You missed the city that much?" Liv asked with a smile.
"Oh I left my heart here," Nick said trying his best to not let his eyes slide over at Amanda, "but I'm planning of bringing it back with me to LA this time around."
Liv looked confused.
"I think you're getting too much sun in LA Nick," she said as she turned to walk down to Barba. She shot Amanda a look widening her eyes a little at Nick's insanity. Amanda shot her a smiled but then quickly looked over at Nick's back. He turned back as he got closer to the door, made sure Liv and Barba was elsewhere occupied before he shot Amanda a big smile.
"I love you," he mouthed and placed his hand over his heart. She tried to get a grip of her silly grin but then thought what the hell.
"Love you too," she mouthed best she could. He must've caught it as he tapped his heart as though it skipped a beat and he made a silly face as he pretended to fall or maybe faint out through the doors. Amanda fought to keep the laughter silent. LA hadn't made a good actor out of him but he sure must've gotten too much sun because she didn't recall this version of him. She liked it though. Liked it a whole lot.
"You okay?" she heard Olivia ask behind her back. Amanda turned to face her.
"Yeah," she said giving her a nod, "I'm more than okay actually."
In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours.
In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.
~ Maya Angelou