A/N: I do not own "Star Trek: Voyager."
Most of these spoofs are based on parodies I wrote years ago, in high school (2004-2007). They are cleaned-up, funnier versions of those parodies.
Enjoy!
SPOOF TREK: FROGGER
Episode 1: "Banjo Man"
(Spoofing "Caretaker," Season 1)
Summary: Two crews—one Star Freak, one Mosquito—must work together, in the dawn of another Trek spinoff!
[The scene opens with Trek's famous special effects. A page from a Scientific American magazine serves as the amazing space backdrop. Two ships on strings battle (and wobble) as explosion sound effects are provided by an unseen 6th-grader with a microphone. A floating paragraph scrolls down, as kazoos blast dramatic music.]
FLOATING PARAGRAPH:
It is a period of unrest in the galaxy. Renegades of the Star Freak alliance have picked a fight with the Cargassians, the cruelest and most disgusting creatures in the universe, for the sake of starting another space-war to spice up the Trek saga. Calling themselves the Mosquitoes, they consider themselves to be fighting for freedom against action-less, techo-babble-based Sci-Fi. But to the Cargassians and the United Federation of Freaks, they are pests…
Cargassian Captain: Mosquito ship! Surrender, or suffer the consequences!
[Commander Chevrolet is silent, but the look on his face says it all: "suck my balls." He picks up the remote and turns off the view screen. Chevrolet and his crew-7 or 8 scoundrels in tattered jeans, and bomber jackets, and sexy boots- fight to fire back at the Cargassians, steer the ship, and in one case, screw in a light bulb. ]
Cargassian Captain: Fire one!
FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
[The long, disgusting blast of Cargassian gas sends the tiny Mosquito ship spinning like a football, into an odd nebula of what seems to be pink yogurt. ]
Chevrotet: B'Zooka, get the photon-tortillas back online so we can fire back! Tuvacca, where the hell are we, Candy Mountain? [A huge strawberry bounces off the ship's window.]
Tuvacca: [Wearing a fake mustache-and-sunglasses disguise] "You're cow" in Spanish? That is the best spoof name they could come up with for me? …Anyway Boss, we seem to have been cast into a nebula of pink pudding, the Cargassians block the only escape, an alien vessel is about to spirit us away from the Alpha Quadrant forever, and I'm a Vulcan, with nothing interesting to say.
Chevrolet: ….Frak.
(A huge flash of light blinds the Mosquitoes, ending the scene.)
EARTH: JAIL
Warden: All right prisoners, fall in!
Tim Parsnip: Hoh-kay! [Pretends to fall down, and laughs]
Warden: That's five stupid jokes in five minutes Parsnip. In the box!
[Tim is tossed into a large wooden box, with a crescent-shaped window on the door. As soon as the warden is gone, there comes a knock at the door.]
Parsnip: [Poking his head out the window] What do you want—HOLY hair…
Captain Myway: [Wearing her infamous Season 1 bun. ] Hello Mr. Parsnip. I am Captain Kathryn Myway, or the highway, star—uh, captain—of the U.S.S. Frogger. My Vulcan sidekick disappeared with a Mosquito ship and I hoped you might help us find him. The captain of this Mosquito ship is a tree hugger named Chevrolet. I hear-talk you may be acquainted with him?
Parsnip: Chevrolet… I won that game of Fizzbin fair and square dammit! The game's not that complicated! Ooo I'll make him pay! –If there's something in it for me that is.
Myway: A free ticket out of that box, and a regular part on the newest Trek series.
Parsnip: …and my oldest high school rival in shackles? I'm in!
SPACE STATION: FREAK SPACE NINE
[Tim Parsnip is meeting Ensign Fairly Dim, at Corkscrew's bar. Nearby, Corkscrew the Ferarri is drying a mug. ]
Ensign Fairly Dim: Nice to meet ya, Tim Parsnip! So, we're the two young rookies for this new series! And you're the cocky flyboy…I guess that makes me the dweeb…
[Corkscrew's big ears perk up at the word "dweeb." He grins deviously, then darts over to Dim.]
Corkscrew: [Speaking 100 words a minute] Sorry to interrupt Wanna buy a souvenir for the parents before you take off? Couldn't help overhearing you're new 'dweeb' You know that makes you about ten times more annoying and ten times more likely to be killed off in the first five minutes of the show How about a lovely stolen Clingon credit-card for Mom and Dad to remember you by? No? What about some funky jewelry-
Fairly Dim: [Sinking back into his seat, terrified]
Corkscrew: …from the Gama Quadrant-what else have I got in here…a box of Molly O'Brien's girl-scout cookies…I've also got this crazy hookah I nipped from the "Star Wars" universe-
Tim Parsnip: Aren't you in the wrong Trek series? [Folds arms.]
Corkscrew: [Narrows eyes at Tim] Uh…T'hehe…[Looks around nervously, then bolts. ]
Dim: Wow, you got rid of that hustler! You pretty cool Tim.
U.S.S. FROGGER—SICKBAY
Dr. Crewmen: [Snarl] I hate you Regulars. You get to die as many times as you want and always come back to life, like Kenny on "South Park." I'll take my bitterness out on the delinquent who killed three crewmen in the Academy!
Fairly Dim: [to Tim] You did what?
Parsnip: [To Dr. Crewmen] What do you want? You guys are fragile. All it takes is one little exploding console, and poof! You're easier to kill than Storm Troopers! C'mon Fairly, we have to meet the captain.
[They leave the enraged and ill-fated doctor, and go to the bridge. ]
Dim: Reporting for du-du-…duuu?
Myway: Ensign, at ease before you sprain something.
Dim: Captain, what massive hair you have…I-I mean yes sir—ma'am—uh, Captain?
First Officer, Commander Crewmen: We are entering the pudding nebula, Captain. It's-sure-bumpy-
[The ship is beginning to bounce and shake]
Myway: Bumpy? Oh no! The only thing that kills more crewmen than an exploding counsel is…
Bumpety-bumpety-FLASH OF LIGHT!
[Everyone who has not been given a name is now dead. ]
Myway: [Pushing herself up from the floor] …a battle or space-anomaly that makes the ship bumpy and shaky. That's the only thing that kills more crewmen than exploding counsels.
Dim: [Typing furiously with his pointer fingers] Captain, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore! We've been thrown to the other side of the galaxy! OW! And I've sprained my pointer from all this typing.
Parsnip: Sickbay. Come on.
SICKBAY
Parsnip: Ding, dong, the doctor's dead! Computer, activate Emergency Regular Character.
[The E.R.C. materializes. ]
E.R.C: Call me Doc, or The Doctor. As my programming commands, I will try to save any injured person, regardless of their odds of survival. So I'll help these nameless crewmen.
Tim Parsnip: Nice to meetcha', The Doctor.
[Everyone besides The Doctor is suddenly beamed away. ]
The Doctor: Aaaall right then. [Pulls out a Trek magazine and unfolds a poster of 7 of 9.] Sigh, three more seasons to go...
HOLOGRAPHIC FARM
Myway: Dim, are you sure we're not in Kansas?
[Hillbillies dance a circle around the crew, while an old guy plays a banjo.]
Dim: According to my tricorder, we're inside a holo-creation of a hillbilly cookout party, but we're really on an alien vessel. And we're still light years away from home.
Parsnip: So, what you're saying is….there's food here.
[Parsnip, Dim, and Myway exchange a glance, then run to the house to raid the 'fridge.]
Myway: Corncakes, please let there be corncakes…[Throws open the refrigerator door] What in Q's name…?
[The refrigerator is a doorway to an alien laboratory! The Mosquito crew lies on rows of tables, wearing nothing but some tiny blankets covering their privates.]
Myway: Tuvacca! He's alive! The entire crew seems to be prisoners in some alien laboratory… Are they all restrained to those tables with some advanced alien technology?
Banjo Man: [Popping up behind her.] Nope. They're just scared ta' move, or those blankets will fall off and you'll lose your G-rating. Heeere's yer sign! [He tosses Myway a sign which reads, "I'm Stupid." ]
[One flash of light later, the Star Freaks are in the same position as the Mosquitos. One commercial break later, they're back on their ship. On the view screen is a vast and complex alien Array, built from massive marshmallows and toothpicks.]
Parsnip: So apparently, Captain, this alien had the courtesy to return us to our exact stations with all our clothes back on, but forgot to return Ensign Dim.
Myway: Wha-? D'oh. Is that blood-sucking Mosquito crew awake? Hail them. [They do. ] Commander Cadillac!
Chevrolet: Chevrolet. [Drumming fingers impatiently.]
Myway: One of our crewmembers is still on that Array thing,
Chevrolet: For real? Ours too. Our engineer, B'Zooka Tourguide.
Myway: Really? Huh. Well come aboard, let's have some coffee or something. Bring some crewmen.
[Chevrolet, Tuvacca, and Crewmen Tito beam aboard. Chevrolet and Tuvacca are armed with phaser-rifles; the crewmen has a squirt-gun.]
Myway: Tuvacca, it's good to see you alive old friend.
Tuvacca: I may as well inform you, Commander Chevrolet. I'm a spy for Star Freak. I thought you'd ought to know. [Removes his sunglass disguise-with style. No one notices.]
Chevrolet: Helloooo Parsnip.
Parsnip: 'Sup Chevrolet. Still soar about losing you're Pokemon deck to me in that high-school Fizzbin tournament?
Chevrolet: Tim. Still soar about me dumping you right before 'Prom for my new girlfriend, Salsa?
[Tim Parsnip lunges at Chevrolet. Myway steps between them.]
Myway: [Hastily changing the subject.] So Mr. Chevrolet, interesting tattoo! Let me guess, um, a butterfly?
Chevrolet: [Stare]
[The awkward silence is broken when a bizarre creature leaps down from nowhere and, wagging its tail, crushes them all in a hug.]
Cakemix: Oh muy muy, mesa Cakemix! My no thinkin' you should all be fighting and trying to kill each other. Let's all be bestest-best friends! Let's sing; I love yoooou, you hate meee, wesa one happy familyyyy…
Myway: [Crushed voice] Fine—release us—and we're all friends.
Cakemix: Okey-day!
Myway: /b [Re-adjudging her huge hair] Now then, we need to find our missing people.
Cakemix: Oooh! Let's start with mesa girlfriend, Keish. She's on da planet Oompa-Loompa, and that's where yousa missing friends probably are. They'sa probably being held by the Banjo Man. He's the big boss of all the Oompa-Loompas. Let's go! [More tail wagging]
[Chevrolet raises his large gun at Cakemix, but Myway reluctantly stops him.]
Myway: All right. Mr. Chevrolet and I will have a world with this Banjo Man, since we've both had crewmembers captured by him. Someone will have to stay aboard Frogger and keep an eye on Mr. Cakemix here…
Parsnip: [Quickly] Captain I want to help Fairly, he's my only friend. Let me come with you.
Myway: All right. Tuvacca, you have the bridge. And the….that thing. [Gestures to Cakemix.]
[Myway, Chevrolet, and Parsnip beam away.]
Cakemix: Oh this is great Mr. Vulcan! We can stay up late, swap manly stories, and in the morning, I'm makin' waffles!
Tuvacca: ….
BACK ON THE FARM:
[Myway, Parsnip, and Chevrolet approach Banjo Man.]
Myway: Banjo Man, we'd like a word with you! Now, I don't know what kind of idiotic experiment calls for dragging our ships light-years from our homes, sticking us on a cartoonish stereotype of a farm that would make any real farmer face-palm, and kidnapping two of our crewmembers. But I demand that you put a stop to all of it!
Banjo Man: Ooooh, so my project is idiotic? Tell me Captain, what was your last mission from Star Freak?
Myway: Well to, to capture Mr. Chevrolet and his crew. [Mutters to Chevrolet.] Nothing personal.
Banjo Man: Uh-huh. And you were doing it with the slickest, most high-tech ship, that has…how many brig cells again? Oh that's right, ONE. Where were you planning on puttin' all them Mosquito crewmen once you captured them, Captain?
[Chevrolet and Parsnip stare at Myway, whose mouth drops opened and closed in shock. ]
Banjo Man: Hehehe. Heeeeere's yer sign!
FLASH!
[The three are back on Frogger's bridge. Myway looks down to see that she is holding another "I'm Stupid" sign.]
Cakemix: Mr. Vulcan and I are best friends now!
[Cakemix tosses confetti into the air. He and Tuvacca are wearing party hats. On Tuvacca's consol sits a cake full of candles, with "Bestest Best Friends Day!" written on it in frosting. Tuvacca looks un-amused. ]
Myway:Well Banjo Man was no help. Guess we'll have to find our missing people ourselves.
PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: UNDERGROUND
Fairly Dim: I don't remember being sent to a hospital, or getting these huge bug bites. They look like giant mosquito bites—Oh my god! [Points at B'Zooka. ] You're a Mosquito! You bit me, didn't you! But you're also a Clingon, so if you bit me, then maybe you want to mate…but I don't think I'm dressed for a date. I need a tie, or at least some pants…
B'Zooka Tourguide: We've been abducted by aliens, you idiot. Obviously they tried some grotesque experiment on us that gave us all these giant warts.
Fairly Dim: …Oh.
B'Zooka: Well come on! Let's get out of here before they try to give us anal probes. [She grabs the confused ensign by the arm and pulls him out the door of the hospital.]
Oompa-Loompan Nurse: Wait a minute, the Banjo Man didn't authorize that—
[B'Zooka grabs her with her free arm and flips her over, into the opposite wall.]
Oompa-Loompa Nurse: [Quietly] Have it your own way.
PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: THE SURFACE
Cakemix: This is a desert planet, and it's swarmin' with ugly alien gangsters who capture pretties like us for slaves.
Parsnip: Cough Tatooine, Cough-he-hem rip-off.
[The gang is suddenly surrounded by a gang of men with salad krutons for heads. ]
King Kruton III: "Rip-off" is correct, sir! We are the Krutons, and we do NOTHING original! We roam desert planets terrorizing the natives, just like the Sand People from "Star Wars;" we capture beautiful women and enslave them, until they agree to marry us, just like Disney villains; and now, we wish to rip-off your alien technology! Give it to us, or we shall destroy you all!
Cakemix: Don't worry everybody! Messa get us out of this mess!
[He points a phaser at the Kruton leader. He pulls the trigger, and a tiny flag that says "Bang!" pops out.]
Cakemix: Um….
[A huge fight breaks out between the Krutons and our heroes. While they shoot and punch each other, a blonde woman with pointed ears, dressed like Tinkerbell, emerges from the Kruton's house with a push-broom. This is KIESH. As they fight, she sweeps away the blood and severed limbs. She also sings:]
Kiesh: Some daaay my prince will come, some daaaay he'll find me….
King Kruton: [Covering his ears] Stop that, slave! I said no singing! NO SINGING!
Kiesh: IIIIII know you, I walked with you once, upoooon a dreeeeeam….IIIII knoooow yoooou, that gleam in your eeeeyes is so familiar a gleam…[Dancing with her broom.]
Krutons: STOP! STOP! NO MOOOORE! GAAAAA….
[As Kiesh sings, all of the Krutons' heads explode or crumble away, like "Raiders of the Lost Ark." The heroes stare at Kiesh.]
Kiesh: My people have powerful telepathic abilities, which I'm only beginning to explore. But there's no time to talk! Follow me down to Oompa Loompa city, and we'll find your friends!
Myway: [Tapping her smiley-faced com. Badge] Myway to Crewman Wilson, beam us all to the center of the planet.
Crewman Wilson: Ay Captain. Six to beam down! Let's see now, which button do I press here? Maybe thi—YAAAAA! [A zapping sound is heard as Crewman Wilson is fried.]
Myway: [Sigh] Expendables. Tuvacca, remind me to find us some recurring characters to handle our technical situations, so we don't have this problem every five minutes.
Kiesh and Cakemix: [Exchange a glance.]
THE CAVES!
[Kiesh leads the gang down ancient fire escapes, though rocky tunnels. ]
Kiesh: Don't touch this force-field. We've been told it will burn your skin off.
[Tim Parsnip shoves Cakemix into the force field. Cakemix comes out blackened and smoking, but otherwise unharmed.]
Parsnip: Must've been exaggerating. It doesn't look so baAAAA! [He's been shoved forward though the force field, from behind.]
Chevrolet: Ha ha!
Fairly Dim: Help us! We're up here on the fire escape! I'm badly injured! I don't think I'll make it much longer. If only I had some Clingon blood in me!
B'Zukka Tourgide: He scraped his knee.
[The group hurries up the fire escape to save Tourguide and Dim. But just as they get close, the cave begins to shake and tremble, and rocks start falling from the ceiling!]
Myway: What on Earth-?
[Everyone looks around, until they see someone down below. It's Indiana Jones, standing next to an empty pedestal, holding a little gold statue.]
Indiana Jones: [Adjusting his hat] Sorry 'bout that, [Runs from the cave. A boulder falls and starts to roll after him.]
Myway: [Rolls her eyes and groans. ] Come on everyone! Up to the surface, before we're all killed.
[They all run up the stairs, but a bunch of rocks fall onto Chevrolet, knocking him down.]
Chevrolet: AH SH%T F$*K DAMMIT GAHAHAAAD-DAMN THAT F*&^5ING HURTS—I mean…my leg is broken. I can't move.
[More rocks fall, breaking the fire escape. Chevrolet is now dangling from the balcony, like Mufassa!]
Chevrolet: Go on without me!
Myway, Tuvacca, Cakemix and Kiesh: Okay! [Run up the fire escape.]
Chevrolet: …
[Suddenly, the Indiana Jones theme trumpets from nowhere. Tim Parsnip swings down from a rope, and lands next to Chevrolet.]
Parsnip: My name's Tim Parsnip, I'm here to rescue you! [Hooking his arm around Chevrolet.] I can see the slash-fanfics already…
Chevrolet: Oh shut up. Why are you even helping me? We hate each other.
Parsnip: True. On the other hand, if I save your life, your butt belongs to—WOW you're heavy—Woops.
Chevrolet: AAAAAaaaaa….
THE SURFACE:
[Tim climbs out of the pothole and joins Myway, Tuvacca, Kiesh, and Cakemix. A minute later, Chevrolet climbs up too.]
Chevrolet: Either the Great Spirit put that giant trampoline right under me, or I just have great luck because I'm going to be a regular major character on a big-shot TV series.
Myway: Hmm…[Stroking a phantom beard.]
ABOARD FROGGER:
Myway: I need to have a word with this Banjo Man. I've got to get him to send us back home! Chevrolet, while I'm doing that, can you hold off those Krutons?
Chevrolet: With pleasure! If we get stuck out here for good, something tells me my opportunities to kick ass will be few and far between…
[Myway and Tuvacca beam aboard the Array, into the barn. Banjo Man is there, playing his banjo.]
Myway: He-EM.
Banjo Man: Oh, you. What do you want, another sign?
Myway: My security officer told me an interesting theory about you, Banjo Man. For reasons that weren't funny enough for this Parody Author to spend time on, Tuvacca here believes that you're planning to die soon, and that you're capturing aliens because you're looking for a mate.
Banjo Man: [Stops playing his banjo.] It's true, Captain Myway. I'm an advanced alien, and my race destroyed the Oompa Loompa's home world. We were trying to make some cool crop circles, but…you know how when you're carving out a cool picture, one thing isn't quite right, so you take off a little more, and that makes it worse, so you take off some more…well soon we'd taken off all the vegetation on the planet. We turned their world into a desert. Now I'm searching for a mate, so I can produce offspring to take my place in caring for the Oompa Loompa.
Myway: I understand, that makes sense. Oh wait, no, it doesn't make any sense at all, Banjo Man! First of all, if you might die, why did you only leave a 5-year supply of food for the Oompa Loompas? Yeah, they live short lives, but five years for them is still only one generation. Why not a 50-year supply?
Banjo Man: Well I uh…guess I never thought about…
Myway: And if you're powerful enough to drag ships from across the galaxy, why not just lift all the Oompa Loompas up from this desert wasteland and send them to a nice green world, far away from any hostile neighbors?
Banjo Man: Well I, I …
Tuvacca: [Raises and eyebrow at Myway, impressed.]
Myway: Oh, and one more thing. If you're looking for a mate to produce offspring, when why are you kidnapping males?
[Banjo Man's head is shaking, like he might short-circuit any minute. Smoke rises from his ears.]
Myway: Heeeeere's your sign! [She tosses back the "I'm Stupid!" sign he gave her.]
[Banjo Man melts into a blob of purple Jell-O. Then that Jell-O turns into a potato. Myway picks up the potato, and examines it curiously. She and Tuvacca exchange glances.]
Myway: Okaaaay.
[She carelessly tosses the potato behind her. It hits a red button on the wall.]
COMPUTER: Thank you for pressing "Self Destruct." This Array will self-destruct in 15 minutes.
Myway: [Frozen, with an oh-crap expression.]
Tuvacca: Smooth, captain.
MEANWHILE:
[Chevrolet is flying his ship, battling the Krutons.]
Chevrolet: Chevrolet to Frogger: Tim, tell one of your cracker Star Freak officers to keep a lock on me. When I say "Now," have them beam me back up!
Parsnip: Sure.
[Chevrolet drives his ship in a collision course for the Kruton ship.]
Chevrolet: Now!
[In Frogger's transporter room, Crewman #35 presses a button to beam Chevrolet up. The button zaps her, killing her.]
Chevrolet: [Over the com.] I said now! Now! NOW!
[Tim quickly runs over to the consol and beams Chevrolet up, just as the Mosquito ship explodes. Chevrolet appears, blackened and smoking, and looking none-too-happy.]
Parsnip: The Captain's thinking about getting some recurring characters for these situations…
LAST SCENE:
[Everyone is on the bridge, except for Cakemix and Kiesh, who are nowhere to be seen, and The Doctor, who is in Sickbay.]
Myway: …and that's how Tuvacca made me destroy our only way home.
[No one looks convinced.]
Myway: [Clears throat] But ah…but we'll find another way home. And our two crews will work together. Mr. Chevrolet, what would you say to letting your Mosquito crew become part of my Star Freak crew, and you my First Officer?
Chevrolet: Pfft, yeah right.
Myway: Or you can all cram into that one brig cell for the next 75 years. And Tim Parsnip will be your guard.
Chevrolet: So…which chair's mine, Boss?
Myway: [Smiles, triumphantly.]
Tuvacca: Captain, we appear to have two stowaways. [He opens a closet nearby, and Kiesh and Cakemix fall out.]
Cakemix: Captain, let us come with you! Yousa gonna need a cook, I can cook!
Kiesh: You need recreation? I grow all kinds of exotic plants that will make the journey much more fun! Please don't send me back to Oompa Loompa, I spent my whole live under ground. I want to explore the galaxy, and learn about the world above….watch and you'll seeeee…soooon I will beeeee…paaart oooof yoooour wooooorl….!
Myway: [Slowly rolls eyes, and drops her face into a double-face-palm.] Q help me… [She regains her composure, and turns to face her entire new crew. ] All right everyone. It looks like we have a new crew, and our first episode is almost finished. Time for my inspirational start-of-the-series speech.
[She walks around the bridge. Everyone listens intently. Except B'Zooka who's snoring, Cakemix who's standing there with a stupid expression, and Tuvacca who has his usual I'm-a-Vulcan-who-couldn't-care-less expression.]
Myway: We're alone, in an uncharted part of the galaxy (thanks to an unfortunate series of events which have nothing whatsoever to do with me). We've already made some friends here… [Looks at Cakemix and Kiesh, and sighs]…and some enemies.
Our characters are not well developed yet; our current villains are pathetic; and three years from now the fans will probably look back at our current hairstyles and laugh. But we'll get better. We'll find a way home. We'll be looking for more powerful Banjo Aliens. And we'll be looking for wormholes. New technology that can help us. We'll find better villains to fight. We may even get better new characters, to replace some of the bland ones we have right now….
[Kiesh looks around, nervously.]
…But our goal is clear. Even at maximum warp, the studio will force us to be lost for at least a seven-year-long series. We'll jump from conflict to conflict in each episode, as we make our way home, with some great leaps forward and some sad setbacks. In fact, you could even think of it as a cosmic game…of Frogger!
[Everyone stares, awed. Even snoring B'Zooka opens one eye in interest.]
Fairly Dim: [Whispers to the Mosquito crewman next to him] I love Frogger!
Myway: Mr. Parsnip, set a course…for home.
THE END OF THE BEGINNING...!