Girl On A Mission
Have you ever thought about how you would feel, to be confronted with a demon you'd long since considered forgotten? To hear his name, or to hear him call yours. To see his face outside your own nightmares. Maybe a simple lyric from a song you'd long since forgotten is all it takes. Suddenly you're skipping back through time, flashing back to the hell you suffered. All of a sudden you're there, that room, that night. Some little insignificant reminder screaming the simple truth. That you're not over him.
Funny, isn't it, how things you thought you were over creep up on you until the point at which you can no longer deny their existence. Maybe it was never forgotten, just simply pushed aside. Locked away in the deepest confines of your mind. Slowly, night after night, that nightmare plays upon your mind, refusing to stay hidden. No escape; no comfort; no more tears. Just menial tasks that make each day seem worthwhile. Would it have changed anything to make a stand sooner? To twist the knife, so to speak. To be the controller and not simply the controlled.
Would that, in a sense, lead you to smile to hear of their death? Could you then gain that final closure you had so despairingly sought. Do you ever feel that blade against your skin. That blade so close against your throat it was the least you could do to keep breathing. That impossible mission you were faced with; stay alive. Do you ever wonder what would happen, if you were that girl, holding that knife. The power to cease his whole existence resting solely with you, just has he had done.
If you had that chance, would you take it? Would you hold that knife against him, or simply turn it upon yourself and succeed where he had failed. Could two wrongs ever make a right? So many questions. So many unanswered; so many unasked.
Friday, April 19th, was to begin with a quiet day on all accounts. Max had once again left flowers on my desk, a simple bunch of white roses that we're waiting for me when I arrived. They were nothing compared to that first bouquet but considering the crystal, albeit small, which hung around my neck, I was prepared to let that slide. Besides, Friday April 19th was to be an admin day, the part of my job which I simply loved to hate. Whilst his flowers gave little consolation, such admin days meant time alone in my office, and such time often involved Max sneaking away from his own responsibilities to bring me coffee and biscuits. Thus far, today had proved no exception to the admin day rule.
Surprisingly quiet for Max he slipped into my office. No jokes, no tales of his latest patient, nothing but the soft click as he turned the door's lock indicating his presence. What had started as a joke had quickly turned into habit. After all, who knew where time alone with Max could lead. Unable to stop the light smile which curled it's way across my lips I resisted every urge to look up at him. There was still so much paperwork to tackle before the end of the day. It was then, having barely finished writing my sentence, that his lips became softly apparent against the edge of mine. Naturally I tilted my head towards him, returning his kiss, but ultimately I had no choice but to place my hand against his shoulder and push him back.
'You need to learn how to write faster.' Max smirked, leaning on his knuckles which remained on the edge of my desk. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his breath, warm and slightly ragged against my skin. He moved in to kiss me again but I was too quick this time and denied him the chance. 'You didn't even bring me coffee.' I replied, returning to my paperwork without so much as a second glance at him. 'Only got five minutes.' Max countered, turning to sit on the edge of my desk as he always did. Even without looking at him I could sense his eyes surveying me as they were prone to so doing. From that moment alone I knew, not his exact words, but the nature of what was coming next. 'And my quickie or coffee dilemma was easily resolved.' He smirked to which I could only laugh, the pen I was holding simultaneously finding it's way towards him.
That was the way with Max, I realised as I picked another pen from the pot. He was simply full of inappropriate comments that he knew, at least when we were alone, that he would always get away with. I didn't doubt that I would let him get away with anything, with that smile and those eyes. 'No chance.' I eventually replied, pushing a file aside and making a start with the next. 'Not even just a..' Max began but I quickly cut him off with a stern yet playful 'No' before our eyes met. For a moment the world seemed to stop. Our eyes challenging each other as they remained locked. The only movement in the otherwise silent room the twisting of the pen in Max's hand as he spun it round his thumb before catching it only to spin it again.
Eventually returning to my paperwork I could feel his eyes still upon me, watching me as a filled out yet another of my endless forms. Letting the pen fall from his grasp, Max began lightly taping his fingers against my desk, seemingly lost in serious contemplation. Suddenly he clicked his fingers as if something had suddenly become clear. 'Must be the flowers.' He concluded. Obviously the simple fact that I was barely half way through my stack of files indicated nothing to him. 'Max.' I looked up at him, a playful edge of exasperation highlighting my tone. 'Yeah?' He smiled, catching my eye. I could tell he knew what was coming even before the words escaped my lips. 'Shut up.'
The pen I had once thrown found it's way back in my direction and still laughing I picked up the phone which had inconveniently begun to ring. Had I looked at the internal caller ID I would've been prepared for the call I was about to receive. As it was I answered the call blindly, instantly shocked by the tone of Tess' voice. The screams were clear in the background as Tess explained the situation, apologising for interrupting me but making it clear they had no choice. Max's eyes questioned my silence as our gazes caught but I didn't have time to waste in relaying Tess' message to him.
Barely a second since replacing the phone, I'd already grabbed everything I needed to assist Tess. 'Zoe?' I heard Max call as I headed for the door, the smallest hint of concern in his voice. 'Resus.' I vaguely explained as I twisted the lock on the door to leave with Max quickly following me. Like Tess and the rest of the team he knew my admin day rules. No interruptions unless absolutely necessary, with coffee proving the only exception to the rule. Instantly we both knew something critical must have happened for Tess to call. Something a whole lot more serious than Tess simply stopping Max and I from once again breaking who knew how many hospital rules.
As Max and I walked down the corridor, it didn't occur to me that I was blindly leading him to a situation that neither of us were prepared for. I felt his hand brush lightly against mine before, sensing that I had not moved my own away, taking my hand in his. It was a rare occurrence which after lightly squeezing his fingers I pulled away from. Briefly I glanced across at him, our eyes meeting for no more than a matter of milliseconds. Instantly I could tell that he knew as well as I that gone was almost playful admin day Zoe, and back was Dr Hanna, Clinical Lead.