You Mean So Much
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Obvious disclaimers apply here. Note: This is my first fanfiction and is just a one shot (unless people want me to go onward with it. I'm sure I could think of something). She please Read and Review! Note: I named San's wolf brothers Shiro and Urufu.
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"Ashitaka, you mean so much to me...
"Mean so much...
"...to me..."
"San," Ashitaka mumbled, rolling over in his sleep. He could see her there before him, could make out her beautiful form in the mists at the foot of the mountains. She was an ethereal spirit, a sight that any man would wish to behold. Her mask rested on top of her head, cape of white wolf fur blowing in the wind. Her spear stood beside her, supported by a strong, but gentle hand. He stood, marveling at her beauty, at her mystery.
Daylight streamed in through the tattered curtains that covered the spare room in Toki and Kouroku's home, the room Ashitaka was using as his own. He blinked the light away, rolling over and yawning. He knew he had to get up; there was still so much work to be done. Weeks had gone by, and the reconstruction of Iron Town was advancing nicely. But there was still so much to do.
And he had failed to fulfill his promise to San so far. "I'd like to go see her," he said to himself, standing up and pulling on his blue kimono.
"Then perhaps you should," Kouroku said from the doorway.
Ashitaka turned quickly to find the older man looking at him with a smile. "I came to see if you were awake yet. You've overslept; that's not like you, so I came to see if you were alright. Your breakfast is cold in the kitchen."
The young man smiled, stepping around the sleeping mat to follow his host into the kitchen. A bowl with a porridge-like substance sat on the table, untouched. Ashitaka took a seat and began to eat, ignoring the fact that it was cold and mostly tasteless.
"I'm serious," Kouroku said, "you really should go visit her. You've been working yourself to death. You've probably done more than anyone else. You deserve a break."
Ashitaka shook his head. "I can't. There's still so much to do."
The other man just frowned, shaking his head. "Don't make me tell Toki on you. She'll be sure to force you into a visit."
"Oh, my, don't do so on my account," he said, mocking horror at the very idea of involving the slightly-overbearing woman. "I'll take this afternoon off. But first I want to get some more work on the waterwheel."
"It's your call," Kouroku assured him, heading out of the house.
--
"He's never going to come," San told herself, staring down at the fish in the shallows of the lake, waiting for the perfect moment to catch one. But she wasn't really seeing them; there was too much else on her mind.
"This wouldn't be such an issue if you would go yourself," one of her wolf brother's, Shiro, called out from the patch of sunlight he was lying in, watching her with his large eyes.
San shook her head instantly, looking almost horrified by the suggestion. "No, out of the question. I will not go anywhere near there."
"The war is over, San," came the calm reply. He sounded older, wiser. He was starting to sound like Moro.
"The gunwoman killed Mother," she spat, a little too defensively. She turned away. "If he wants to see me he'll come."
"He did make a promise," Shiro seemed to agree.
"I don't believe in human promises," she said, reaching down to deftly swipe a fish out of the water. It landed on the grassy embankment, wiggling and flopping around as the last of its life drained away.
"Not now, anyway," came the solemn answer.
"Since when are you on their side?" she demanded, another fish flying into the air, this one much farther, landing at the paws of her wolven brother.
He reached down to swallow it in one gulp. "Since never. But Ashitaka is not a regular human. He proved that. You're just too stubborn to see it yourself."
She started mumbling under her breath about traiotorous brothers when her other brother, Urufu, called out in the distance. His howl was smooth and clear and she instantly read the message that it carried.
"Ashitaka? Here?" She jumped out of the water, swatting the not-quite-dead fish back into the lake. It was merely stunned and swam away after a moment, its life spared by the wolf girl's unexpected visitor.
--
He sat atop his faithful red elk, Yakkul, allowing one of the wolf gods to show him the way throught he forest. He had been fairly certain that it would only be a matter of time before he stumbled upon San, or she intentionally found him; but it definitely didn't hurt to have the wolf as a guide. Again.
"I'm thankful for your assistance," Ashitaka said as the wolf stepped down from the rocks he had perched on to call out to San about his presence.
The wolf didn't answer him, for which Ashitaka wasn't all that surprised. He didn't think the wolf wanted to stoop to the level of speaking with a human if unnecessary.
They took a newly worn path through the Forbidden Forest. Ashitaka's eyes took everything in around him. He hadn't had a real chance to see the regrowing of the forest except that which was near Iron Town. Many of the old trees remained, but many more had been destroyed by the god of death, Shishigami's alternate form. A myriad of young trees and saplings dotted the forest floor. It gave the ancient forest a youthful sort of appearance. Ashitaka could see the kodamas as they played about the forest. He smiled to them and they ticked their large heads at him in return.
He started to recognize many of the older, larger trees near the mountains where the Moro clan denned. He wasn't sure how far he would need to go before he would be able to see San again. His heart ached to see her again. She had been haunting his sleeping and his waking dreams, his every moment. He wanted to see her again. No, he needed to see her again. If only for a moment. Luckily, he had all afternoon.
--
She raced through the trees, running downhill. The trees of the forest slapped at her, tried to catch hold but she pushed them away. They were of no annoyance. She loved the trees, loved every aspect of the forest. And humans had tried to take that away. They had tried to destroy everything she loved and held dear. That line of thinking slowed her. She was no longer running, but going at a quick trot. The trot turned into a walk and finally she stopped, leaning against a tree.
"Why am I doing this?" she demanded of herself. "He's only a human! Why am I so eager to see him?" And she was eager. At nights, she would open her eyes, remembering the second night she had known him and how he had slept beside her in the cave. Some times she would wish to see him there, wish that he was at her side. She shook it away. "Such stupid thoughts."
Urufu howled again, wanting to know where she was. She took off again, even faster than before. She burst out of the trees into the clearing at the cave's entrance. Ashitaka was there, standing beside Yakkul. Urufu was sitting a few feet away, watching her intently. She hadn't slowed down, she just kept running until she was at Ashitaka. And then she didn't stop! She plowed right into him, knocking him over float on his back.
"Ooph!" he called out, as he fell backwards to the grassy ground, the wind completely knocked out of him. He laid down flat, not attempting to protect himself or fight back.
San stood over him, knelt down so that their faces were inches apart. "I didn't think you'd keep your promise," she told him.
He smiled at her, attempting to regain his breath. "I didn't know you were so impatient."
"Hmph!" she said, standing up and walking away.
"No, wait!" he called out, scrambling to his feet. "Please don't leave; I didn't mean it."
She stopped, looking back over her shoulder. "I wasn't leaving," she told him, taking a seat on a long, flat rock. She patted the space beside her. "But I was being serious."
"I'm sorry," he said, quite honestly, taking the proffered seat. He took a deep breath. "I've been so busy. The rebuilding of Iron Town is coming along quite nicely for only a few weeks of work. It shouldn't be but another couple of months before it is back to its former glory."
San instantly growled at this. That was the last she wanted to hear, that she wanted to talk about. She turned away from him, angry. He cared more about the stupid humans and their town than her.
--
He watched her turn away from him, saw the anger spark across her face. He had done something wrong. Again. He felt like he was constantly walking on eggshells, if he didn't say the right thing - or if he said the wrong thing - it could explode in his face. But he told himself to have patience. If he cared, he could handle it.
"San, I've missed you," he said suddenly. He held his breath, waiting for her to say something, anything.
She looked back at him, the anger draining from her face. "You did?"
He nodded, a soft, sincere smile spreading across his face. "Yes, of course. You mean so much to me..." He hesitated. That was the line she had used on him. Would she recognize it? Did she still care? Did he still mean something to her?
She seemed to understand. "You mean a lot to me, too," she said, biting her lip. There was a flash of confusion in her eyes, but she seemed to push it away. "Why did you decide to visit today?"
At least she had calmed down. He felt relieved that they could talk on this new topic rather than the one that made her angry. But perhaps confusion wasn't much better. He would have to pursue it if he hoped something would come out of it.
"I've been thinking a lot lately," he said, turning his head to look up at the clear blue sky staring down through to the clearing. "About you," he added, glancing at her through his peripheral vision. He caught another flicker of emotions on her face.
"Me?"
"Yes. About how I've missed you, and about our last meeting." He took a deep breath. "You told me that I mean so much to you. What does that mean? How much do I mean?"
--
She turned around completely, listening to his every word, trying to decide if she felt glad or annoyed at the way the conversation had gone. She had a lot on her mind she wanted to discuss, too, but was she really ready? Perhaps better now than never.
San took a deep breath. "More than any other human has," she said, wondering if that really said it. There had been no other human for her to get close to, so of course he meant more than any other human! It all felt ridiculous. Humans always wanted to talk about their feelings. She felt too confused to do that.
"What do you feel?" he prompted. "Am I important?"
She frowned. "Yes, very important."
"Why?"
She felt flustered. "I don't know. You make me feel...happy. In ways that I have never felt. Ways different than Mother or my brothers ever have. I don't know how to explain it."
He seemed satisfied with this answer, but apparently had more questions at hand. "How happy do I make you?"
"Happier than I thought a human could." Again, not saying much.
He seemed amused by this answer and continued. "Do you think about me often?"
San blinked. Was he asking these questions because he wanted to know or was it because he was experiencing these same things? That couldn't be possible. He had plenty of other humans to make him happy, to be important to him. He had probably found some human woman in Iron Town already...
"San?" he questioned.
"What? Yes, sometimes."
He continued. "Do you dream about me?"
"What?" she demanded. But she had. Many nights when she wished secretly that he was by her side in the cave. She hated to admit it, even to herself. She looked away, staring ahead at the beauty of the forest. "Yes," she whispered.
"Do you love me?"
The question caught her off guard. She didn't know what to say. Her eyes looked back at him, wanting to know where such a ridiculous question had come from. But she saw it in his eyes, saw that he wanted to know because that was indeed how he felt. She swallowed, feeling nervous for the first time in her life. It was not a feeling she particularly liked.
"I..."
--
He took a deep breath. She looked so shocked, so unsure of the question he immediately wished he could take it back. She wasn't ready. He couldn't blame her. She hadn't even really begun to trust humans yet; it was a mistake to think she could share her love with him.
"I'm sorry," he said again, cutting her off before she could really answer. "I shouldn't have asked that."
She frowned. "You interrupted before I could finish," she accused. San took a deep breath, but seemed to think better of it. "I have questions of my own."
Ashitaka raised an eyebrow at this, but nodded to show his consent to the questioning. "How much do I mean to you?" she asked.
"More than any other human has," he said without hesitation, answering the same as she had.
"Am I important?"
"Yes, very important."
"Why?"
"You fill me with a sense of awe and wonderment. You make me feel ecstatic about living, enthralled with life." He held his hand out, palm upward. He traced the faint purple scare of his curse. "You make me want to live."
She didn't continue with the other questions, just asked the last one, the most important one. "Do you love me?"
Again, there was no hesitation. He had thought it over already before. Had debated it out in his mind without the need to do so. He had loved her the moment he truly saw her; her wild beauty, her unmistaken nobility, her wolf-like strength and bravery. He loved every aspect of her being.
"Yes," he whispered.
She smiled. It was a real smile, nothing like she had ever given him before. It sent his heart fluttering in his chest and he leaned forward, closing the distance between them. Their lips met and he felt hers soften beneath his. They kissed. It was hesitant at first, born of uncertainty but fueled by passion. The kiss deepened, growing more passionate by the moment.
Finally, San pulled away. "Yes," she said to him.
"Yes what?" he asked, unsure what she meant.
"I love you."
He laughed aloud, standing and drawing her to him in a tight embrace. "You don't know how long I've waited to hear those words," he said, kissing the top of her head.
"I didn't either, until this moment. I've waited all my life to hear you say that to me, and I never even knew. Ashitaka?"
"Hmm?" he said, holding her a little from him, looking down at her with his loving eyes.
"I love you." It was even easier to say the second time.
He laughed, spinning her around. She laughed, too, and they collapsed on the ground, wrapped in each others arms. It was truly the beginning of a wonderful end.
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Critique, suggestions, comments, always welcome! I wrote this pretty quickly the other night out of pure inspiration from watching the movie.