Disclaimer: I do not own the characters used in this story. All belong to CowLip & Showtime. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental and not meant to be intentional by the author. Copyright infringement is not intended.
A/N: So this is a companion fic to my story Like Blood Turned To Icetold from Brian's point of view of the events that were mentioned in that story. I tried to keep him as in character as I could because this is my first time writing from his POV so I hope I did it well. I figure that some of his actions that might seem a little OOC can be tributed to the fact that this is a post-513 Brian who has continued to grow in the absence of Justin in his life. So I hope all of you enjoy this as much as it seems you've enjoyed the fic that this is a companion too.
He knew that he probably shouldn't go but at the same time he knew that if he didn't he would always wonder what if. It's not like he didn't know about Justin's life, he heard through the Liberty Family bits and pieces all the time but it still wasn't the same. There was no chance for anything to happen he knew that as well, Justin had been in a relationship for the past three years and had lived with the man, Sam if he remembers correctly, for a little over a year at this point. That didn't mean though that he couldn't try and be friends with Justin, after all he would be the only person that Brian knew in the city beyond business deals and random tricks once he was officially moved for the setting up and opening of Kinnetik New York. So that's how he finds himself at Justin's newest solo effort and making his way over to the artist himself who currently has his back turned away from him scrutinizing one of his own pieces.
"It's brilliant Sunshine but I must say I'm usually partial to the ones that feature my cock heavily." He says when he approaches and feels his heart skip a beat when Justin turns to him a look of surprise and happiness on his face.
"Brain what are you doing here?" Justin says after he's pulled him into a hug that lasts all too briefly for his taste but he's not about to say anything about it.
"Had a meeting with one of my newest clients this week and Deb informed me that our lovely little artiste had a new show that coincided with my plans so I thought I'd come by and ogle the art." He replies.
"Well then go ogle I have to schmooze anyways but if you don't have a flight home right away we can have a late dinner." Justin says.
"I can do dinner." He says with a shrug and then turns back to the piece that Justin was looking at before and truly studies it.
It's brilliant, he wasn't lying when he said that and he felt everything that Justin probably did when he was painting it. He makes his way around the room stopping at pieces that really grab and reel him in and only looking at other's briefly that make him feel disconnected. Mostly though he watches Justin walk around the room smiling and laughing with reporters and art connoisseurs, doing what he does best. Brian tries not to catch his eye but it can't be helped from time to time and he tries not to dwell on the fact that when it does happen Justin seems to light up even more than before. He pushes the feelings down far away because he can't let Justin see any of it. The evening winds down and finds them at Justin's favorite restaurant located a few blocks away when Brian realizes that he never once spotted Justin's significant other.
"So where was Sam tonight, that is his name right?" he asks once they've been seated and he takes a sip of his JB while Justin runs his finger around the rim of his rum and coke.
"Dallas, he had a business trip that he couldn't get out of, and yes that's his name although I'm surprised you remember since you've only met each other once." Justin replies and Brian makes sure that none of the darkness inside of him bleeds out when he thinks of that meeting. It had been Thanksgiving last year and Brian had been made to sit through a family filled lunch that caused tension among everyone there. He left as soon as he could in a need to get out of there and barely spoke to Justin at all and only spoke an amiable hello to Sam and that was it.
"And what does Sam-I-Am do for a job anyways?" he says shaking off the memories of seeing the two of them kissing on the couch when he was leaving.
"He's a marketing executive he works for Glenn & Park." Justin replies and the answer catches him off guard a little but Glenn & Park is a good marketing company and he tells Justin as much but he's sure that the other man already knows. After a small silence Justin asks him about how everyone back home is doing even though he speaks with a few of them on a regular basis but it gets Brian to talk about Gus which is always an easy topic of conversation.
"Him and Lindsay seem to be doing well with the move back, he's a resilient little fucker even though I know he probably misses his friends and unfortunately at the same time Mel." He says once the talk turns to the muncher's divorce which this time is completely 100% final and the fact that Lindsay and Gus moved back to the Pitts because Lindsay didn't want or need to stay in Canada any longer.
"It's weird that they're actually really done this time when Debbie told me about it I sort of didn't believe her ya know?"
"I guess but it happens all the time people grow apart and fall out of love it's just the way the world works." Brian says and does his best not to look at Justin because he doesn't want this to turn into some talk about their relationship and what happened at the end. After Justin had left they had tried to make it work for a the first couple of months but then calls and e-mails started to get farther and farther apart until they hadn't spoken in four months and Justin made the final phone call that cleared the air on if anything was left. Brian hadn't wanted to say that there wasn't because there was, he still loved Justin, but he couldn't hold Justin back from anything including a life that might be better without him in it. So it had been as pleasant and amiable as it could be for the two of them and Brian had only spoken and seen Justin a total of six times since then.
"It's good that Gus is transitioning well and you must be happy that you get to see him all the time now." Justin replies and Brian's glad that he didn't say anything that alluded to their own relationship.
"Yeah it's been nice but it's not lasting for long." He says with a shrug and doesn't notice Justin tense up across from him but the other man doesn't get to reply right away because the waiter comes with their food but as soon as he's gone Justin opens his mouth to speak.
"That's why you're here isn't it? You didn't have a client meeting they fucking sent you here to tell me that your dying isn't it?"
"What the fuck are you talking about Justin?"
"You just said that you having time with Gus won't be lasting for long what the fuck am I supposed to think?" Justin says and Brian rolls his eyes and sets his fork down before addressing the idiot across from him.
"You stupid twat what you could think is that Kinnetik is opening a New York office which in turn means I'm moving not dying." He replies and he watches as Justin goes out of defensive mode and laughs a little at his own assumptions and Brian notices the exact moment that Justin realizes that he's moving here.
"Holy shit that means you'll be in New York now."
"Exactly Sunshine." He says and can't help but smile back at the bright smile that is directed at him and had the man earning his nickname.
After that night him and Justin start e-mailing each other daily before Brian officially moves to the city two months later after finding and starting renovations on the new Kinnetik offices and his own apartment. They then slip into an easy friendship and Brian finds out that Justin and Sam have an arrangement similar to their old one and the two take up clubbing together at least twice a week as well. Brian's well aware that he's fulfilling the aging club boy prophecy but he still looks as good as he did ten years ago, minus one ball, and he's not the oldest one there anyways. It takes a while but Brian soon realizes that he's never actually really been friends with Justin before and even though most of the time he just wants to fuck the blonde and never let him go it's nice to learn things that he didn't know before. At the four month mark of their new friendship things shift a little but Brian tries not to pay any attention to it.
When they hang out they rarely go clubbing anymore and most nights are spent at Brian's apartment eating whatever take-out they're in the mood for. They start to flirt and reminisce on some of their most memorable fucks, a topic they'd both steered clear of until this point due to obvious reasons. Justin starts laying his head in Brian's lap sometimes when they get high and Brian runs his fingers through Justin's hair and he does his best to forget that they aren't together anymore, that Justin doesn't love him anymore that Justin loves someone else. It's hard though and some day's he wishes that he could just move someplace else and forget this friendship and every feeling it's bringing back to the forefront of Brian's thoughts. But he can't because he loves Justin and even though it hurts him to think about him loving someone else at least he gets to be a part of his life in some way shape or form. He does his best though to ignore the energy in the air that surrounds them most days now and he knows Justin feels it too but they won't do anything about it because of Sam. It's June though when everything changes and neither of them can help it any longer.
"Mr. Kinney I'd like to run some more tests, it appears your blood work has shown some abnormalities to it that we need to look into." Says Dr. Hubert the oncologist that he found in New York to run his yearly tests to make sure he was still going to have at least one real ball. So he sits in an office and gets more blood drawn and all he can remember is a talk that Justin and him had shortly after they got engaged all those years ago.
"Aren't you supposed to have your yearly oncology appointment soon?" Justin asks him as he looks through a book filled with wedding invitations.
"No I had it a couple of weeks ago, cancer free." He says with a shrug not wanting to get into the details of a couple of weeks ago.
"What why didn't you say anything?" Justin asks and Brian looks up from the notes he's reading over to see Justin is no longer looking at the invitation book.
"We weren't together then I didn't think you'd want to know." He says looking back to his notes and ignoring the other man until he straddles Brian's legs and forces him to stare into his face.
"I want to know Brian I always want to know fuck just because I left didn't mean I stopped loving you and worrying about you because it didn't."
"Well I'm fine so it's not a big deal."
"But it is Brian fuck you had cancer not the flu and if it ever came back I'd want to know no matter what even if we weren't together. Promise me that you won't ever shut me out of that again." He stares into Justin's face and searches his eyes and sees how much Justin means this how much he needs and wants to know and make sure that Brian is ok no matter what happens in the future.
"I promise" he whispers.
With that conversation fresh in his mind as he leaves the office he knows that there's only one thing that he can do because he's never broken any promise he's made to Justin Taylor and he's not going to start now. He has to wait two days for the blood work to be processed and everything to be looked over and he knows that he doesn't want to be alone this time while he does. Justin's studio is only five blocks from his oncologists office and he knows that the other man will be there today because he's got a show in two months and has been working on it non-stop. When he gets to the building he uses the key Justin gave him to get in, doing his best not to dwell on that implication, and then wanders still in a bit of a haze up to Justin's third floor studio.
"Hey I was just about to call you." Justin greets him when he enters the space and watches as the smile on Justin's face falls, "Brian what's going on?"
"They think its back." He says and watches as Justin's face goes from concerned to confused to terrified in under two seconds.
"Fuck."
"Yeah nothing's sure yet they just saw something weird with my blood so they're running more tests so I'll know in two days if it is or not." He says with a shrug of his shoulders and he's not surprised when Justin pulls him into his arms and he can feel the other man trembling a little.
"Thank you for telling me."
"I promised you I would didn't I?" Brian says and he watches Justin's eyes soften and his heart does a flip at the emotions that he sees swirling around in the blue orbs. He looks away for a moment because this can't happen. They can't do this so he steps out of Justin's embrace and the moment is broken but he knows that neither of them will forget it.
"You'll tell me when you know." Justin states and it's not a question so Brian nods his head and they spend the rest of the day in each other's presence but the cloud above their heads is taunting them the whole time. The other man ends up joining Brian at his place that night claiming it doesn't matter because Sam is on a business trip and he'd feel better knowing that Brian's ok. The next day and a half follow in almost the same pattern and both try not to dwell on the fact that this isn't how a normal friendship is supposed to be. Every time that Brian's cell phone rings they both jump scared that this will be the news neither of them wants to hear. It's around three in the afternoon though when Brian gets the call that they've been waiting for.
"We've run the tests Mr. Kinney and everything is fine you're still in remission." Dr. Hubert tells him and Brian could almost cry in relief but doesn't he listens with one ear as he explains that the abnormalities seemed to be from a medication that Brian had taken for a flu the month before and he just thanks the doctor and hangs up his cell phone and turns to Justin.
"Well? Brian would you fucking say something?"
"I'm fine my flu pills from last month messed it up or something."
"Oh thank god." Justin says pulling him into a hug and Brian doesn't really know how it happens but they're lips are sealed together and they're stumbling towards Brian's bedroom shedding clothes as they do. When he enters Justin for the first time in four and a half years he feels like something inside of him feels complete again. It isn't just a fuck though and Brian and Justin both know that, it's too raw and emotional to be a release of the tension that's been building between them since Brian set foot in that gallery six months ago. Neither of them stop and think though about the consequences of their coupling that takes them deep into the night and more than one round.
"We can't let this happen again." Brian says hours later as they sit at the island in his kitchen and he watches as Justin makes them both breakfast.
"I know," Is Justin's reply and Brian sags in relief and stays in denial that Justin is just appeasing him and that he'll soon go back to tactics used years before to convince Brian that it can happen again. They go about the next couple of weeks as if it hadn't happened but Brian is waiting on edge for Justin to bring it up or for something to happen that will lead them back to it.
"Brian I just I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself." Michael tells him one night when he deems to call him.
"Mikey I'm a big boy I'm fine." He tells him back ignoring the voice inside him that yells at him that he's not fine and that he wants more from Justin then the other man can give him.
"But don't you want to be happy? Keeping him in your life as your friend and always pining for him and, don't fucking say you aren't because I know you are, that's not doing you any good."
"Just drop it Michael ok it's really none of your business." He states hanging up the phone afterwards because he really doesn't want to hear it. Five minutes after that is when there's a key in the lock and the door opens to a vibrating Justin all smiles and paint covered.
"I finished that fucking painting!" He says triumphantly referring to a piece that had been bothering him for weeks.
"Good for you Picasso." Brian says busying himself with getting them both a couple of beers from the fridge. Justin though has different plans and he tenses when he feels the lips on the back of his neck and the hand snaking down to palm the front of his jeans and his hardening cock.
"I want you Brian so bad, I can't stop thinking about two weeks ago."
"We can't Justin." He says but it's not very convincing when he moans right afterwards because Justin's thumbed the head of his cock through the thick material covering it.
"Yes we can."
And that's how it starts for them. Brian protests every time but he knows that it won't do any good. They fuck at least once a day, quickies at Kinnetik, in Justin's studio, at Brian's apartment, in the backroom of a club, but it's more than that. The talks they've settled into with their newfound friendship continue and they find themselves more often than not tangled in the sheets and discussing everything from childhood stories filled with joy on Justin's part to the latest phone call with Gus on Brian's. He knows deep down that he's only setting himself up for pain but he can't stop it. The weeks that Sam has a business trip Justin can be found at Brian's apartment and even on some nights that Sam isn't out of town. Brian hates the nights that Justin doesn't spend with him and on one of those nights he makes the horrible comparison between him and the fucking fiddler. Both of them pining and loving Justin and not getting everything they want because there's another man that takes front and center stage. Most of all what Brian hates is the fact that no matter how much it hurts him he can't stop. He wants to go back to the way he was a year ago, going day to day getting glimpses of sunshine and heat in the form of his son and the rest of the time feeling cold. Because even though sunshine and heat and fire are in his life almost permanently again the cold creeps in at night when it's not there and he hates it.
"Dad? How come Justin's coming with us to the zoo?" Gus asks him the first week of August during his visit with Brian in New York.
"Do you not want Justin to come with us Sonny Boy?"
"No I want him too I just was wondering that's all."
"I figured you'd like to spend time with him while you're here, he misses spending time with you too." Brian replies and Gus looks like he's about to ask another question but is stopped when their joined at the zoo entrance by a smiling Justin.
"Hey Gus god look at you! You're looking more like your Dad every day!" Justin exclaims when he's within ear shot and Brian watches as Gus smiles ear to ear. If there's anything that gets Gus in a good mood it's being told he looks like his father, something that Brian takes pride in every day. The three of them spend the day wondering around the zoo and Brian can't help but pretend that this is how it always is. That he and Justin aren't having a secret affair behind everyone's backs but that they got married five years ago when they planned on it and this is just a normal visit with Gus to the zoo.
"You can't come over tonight Justin." Brian tells him while Gus is enthralled with the lions a few feet away but still in his eye sight.
"Why not? Gus won't have to know that we're doing anything Brian and I can leave before he wakes up."
"I know but it's not a good idea alright, I have to think about what would happen if he found us in the middle of the night and he might be nine and pretty fucking mature and smart for his age but he wouldn't understand this Justin. Fuck half the time I don't fucking understand it."
"At least let me stay for dinner I sort of already told Gus that I would."
"Fine." He says rubbing his forehead before they join Gus in wandering over to the penguins. Later that night though when Brian's putting Gus to bed and after Justin has left his son demonstrates how mature and smart he really is.
"Dad? Are you and Justin together again?"
"Why would you ask that Sonny Boy?"
"Well it's just you guys were looking at each other like you do in the pictures that Mom has from before we moved to Canada and you were together then."
"Gus Justin and I aren't together anymore you know that, Justin has a partner named Sam you've met him before." Brian says smoothing his sons hair down in a way he knows that Gus says he hates because he's not a little kid anymore but will tolerate when it's just the two of them.
"You still love him though don't you Dad?" Gus asks a few moments later.
"Yeah Sonny Boy I do, to be honest with you I don't think that will ever change."
"Well you still have me Dad."
"I know Sonny Boy I know." He whispers blinking the tears from his eyes at the way his heart expands at hearing his son say that. The rest of Gus's visit is spent with the two of them going around the city like tourists with the occasional meal with Justin and Brian hates putting him on a plane back to Pittsburgh when it's over. Gus's tenth birthday falls on a weekend though and he's already got tickets to go see him then because if there's one thing he's never done is miss one of his son's birthday's.
"So I was thinking I'd join you next weekend when you go home for Gus's birthday." Justin tells him a few weeks later as they trade a joint back in forth in the post-coital glow.
"And stay at the loft? I don't think that would be a smart idea."
"I'd stay with Daphne she's been bugging me to visit anyways wants me to meet her new boyfriend."
"Well do what you want I don't care." Brian says taking the last drag of the joint before placing it on his nightstand.
"Plus we'll get to spend Gus's birthday together…" Justin says and Brian knows the meaning behind the words and just nods slightly not wanting to speak for fear of wrecking the small semblance of normalcy they have going. Gus's birthday will mean that it'll be ten years since they met, ten years since the night Brian picked Justin up under a streetlamp took him home and fucked him. He does his best to ignore that fact for the rest of the week the flight home and Gus's birthday party but when Justin shows up at the loft later that night he can't. They fuck face to face with Justin's legs on his shoulders just like the first time even though Justin quit being that flexible a long time ago and Brian tries his best to not let it show in his eyes that this is both killing him and saving him at the same time.
After that night things take on a slightly strained quality between them that they both do their best to ignore. Brian though knows that sooner or later something will happen that will cause the limbo their in to snap and break. They can't continue on in this manner forever and not just because neither of them are saying what they really mean but because Brian can't handle it. It's late December just after Christmas though when that break happens and Brian can't do it anymore. Justin and he hadn't spoken in a few days but Brian was met with a happy but tearstained face and an earthshattering kiss when he came home from Kinnetik exhausted from the long day that he had put in at the office.
"Justin what's going on?"
"So I was working on a painting earlier for my show that's in a few weeks you know? And I was really in the zone and I really didn't know what I was painting at all but then I looked at it and I got this horrible blinding headache for a moment and then it was like gone and I remembered." Justin laughs and Brian knows what Justin is talking about because there's no other moment in their relationship that would make Justin laugh and smile like this. After almost ten years Justin has remembered his prom and Brian knows that this is it this is the end of what they have because he can't continue. Justin it seems takes his silence for stunned joy and kisses him again but Brian pulls away shaking his head.
"No Justin."
"What Brian what do you mean? I remember the prom do you not get that?"
"I know what you remember but we can't Justin."
"What the hell Brian do you not understand what this means to me?" Justin states and Brian can hear the anger growing in his voice.
"And it doesn't fucking mean anything to me?"
"That's how you're acting!"
"It fucking means EVERYTHING Justin do you not get that? I can't fucking do this anymore knowing that you remember! I can't fuck you and have in my bed three nights out of the week and then think about the fact that you're with some other guy! I can't keep feeling like I'm some dirty fucking little secret. I never wanted to be that Justin but for some reason that's what I fucking am now."
"Brian…" Justin states trailing off and Brian looks at him hoping that Justin can see everything little feeling and emotion that he's feeling right at that moment and making the biggest confession of all,
"I can't fucking do this anymore Justin knowing that you finally fucking remember the night I fell in love with you."
"Brian please think about this."
"That's all I've been doing since this started Justin! Thinking about how I can't keep fucking doing this and this is just the last straw. I can't continue being the other man Justin."
"So that's it we're done?"
"That depends on you, I still want you Justin, I still…love you but I literally can't do this not knowing what it is you feel and want."
"But you know Brian how can you not know?"
"Because there's still Sam Justin, just don't say anything now I don't want to hear it. If you want what I want think about it please that's what I'm asking. Take time away from the BOTH of us and think about what it is that you want." He says stroking Justin's face with his fingertips and leaning down to kiss him for what might be the last time and turns him towards the door to go. When he hears the door close he lets the tears fall in a way he hasn't since that night so long ago when Justin was hanging between life and death hoping that that's not the last time that he sees Justin's face.
The next few days he feels like a zombie going through the motions of the day but still managing to land two new accounts and terrorize half the art department into feeling scared for their jobs. Ted visits during that time as he does at least twice a month and Brian does his best to act like nothing is wrong but Ted eventually gets the whole sorted story out of him anyways. When it's out he feels better like a weight has been lifted from his shoulder's finally knowing that he doesn't have to bear the knowledge of his affair alone.
"And no else knows?" Ted asks when he's done.
"If they did you would've heard about this before don't you think?"
"So what are you going to do? Just wait for him to give you answer."
"There's not much I can do Theodore." He says back because that's the only answer that he can give. The cold that was his friend for years has come back just as it has many nights in the past six months and he waits to see if it'll dissipate on its own or turn to sunshine again like it so often did. He gets his answer a week after he's sent Justin on his way when he comes home to find Justin sitting in the living room suitcases and boxes surrounding him and he does his best not to get his hopes up that the sunshine is about to come back.
"I love you Brian Kinney and if you'll have me I want us again." Brian's only answer is to kiss Justin feeling as he does the sunshine leak back into his life taking away the cold forever.
A/N: Thank you for reading! I had more that I wanted to add but every time that I did it just wasn't gelling correctly so I hope you enjoyed the ending!