Title: With Each Breath.
Picture Prompt Number: 10# (Open window)
Pairing:ExB
Rating:M
Word Count: 5,760
Summary: I was his wife, his rock, the lighthouse that guided him safely through the harsh waters and I would fight for him with each breath I took. Nothing and no one was going to separate us, not even him
Warnings and Disclaimer: Contains the sensitive subject of rape. May cause triggers. I do not own Twilight.
AN: Written for the Season of our Discontent contest.
...
My eyes flickered open slowly, my eyelids blinking a few times as they adjusted to the darkness of the room. I let out a long breath, shifting my body slightly under the sheets as I took in the room around me, loving the way the thousand count cotton felt against my naked body.
The curtains billowed, dancing and twisting lightly as a breeze came in through the window I had cracked open before bed. The moon cast a stilted light over the bed, the silvery light seeming to shimmer across the sheets.
I wasn't sure what had woken me up but my body felt as if it were on high alert. It was as if hidden in the shadows of the room something dark, something dangerous, lingered, thickening the air with it's sickly sweet scent.
I twisted on my side to look over at my husband and felt my heart clench slightly at what I saw.
His forehead was scrunched up tightly as if he was in pain and his mouth was open in a silent scream. His fists clenched the sheets on either side of him as he arched against the bed, struggling against some invisible force.
I didn't even hesitate as I cupped his face, feeling the sweat under my fingers as I tried to wake him gently from his nightmare.
"Baby," I murmured, brushing his hair out of his face. "Wake up."
I shook his shoulder gently, but forcefully, hoping to rouse him.
His eyes sprung open as he drew in a long, shaky breath. He immediately flinched away from my touch, pushing himself up into a sitting position. He raked a hand through his hair as he panted before turning away from me and throwing his legs over the side of the bed.
I knew that if I gave him the chance that he would leave so I scrambled across the bed, placing a hand on his shoulders. I hated how he seemed to recoil away from my touch, the lingering effects of his nightmare trying to drag him down in its clutches. I ignored his reaction and slipped my legs down on either side of his, wrapping my arms around his waist and laying my head on the back of his shoulder.
My naked body was pressed flush against his, my breasts smoshed into his back. I could feel him trembling as he expelled harsh breaths through his nose. I didn't need to see his face to know that his eyes were slammed shut and that his jaw was clenched tightly as he fought with himself to control his panic.
I hated this. I hated knowing that nothing I could say would change what had happened to him all those years ago. I hated knowing that even the purest parts of our love could be tainted by it. I hated that he had to suffer through this so often when what all he wanted to do was leave the past where it should be, behind him.
In these moments, the only thing I could do was comfort him, silently yet steadfastly. He needed to know that no matter what I was there for him. That through thick and through thin, I would stay by his side. I placed a small open-mouthed kiss on his throat, feeling it convulse under my lips as he no doubt fought back the bile that was rising.
I wasn't even sure that he was aware of my presence until he let out a shuddering breath and relaxed minutely into me, lolling his head back as he accepted my embrace. He twined his fingers with mine where they lay on his stomach, the muscles contracting and spasming beneath our touch.
"I'm okay," he whispered hoarsely, his voice thick with sleep and emotion.
"Would you like to talk about it?" I asked him softly, tentatively. His body tensed up with my suggestion and his hook his head slowly, his body starting to shake again.
"I can't," he choked out, pulling away from me, both physically and emotionally. My hands loosened their hold as he slumped forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes.
I had to bite my lip to stop the sob that was building in my chest from leaving me as I backed away, knowing that right now, as much as I hated it, he needed space.
I was reminded of just how strong he was as my gaze took in the scars on his back, how much he had over come to get where he was. He was so much stronger than me and always would be. Having to fight back his demons on a daily basis had forced him to be.
...
"Baby girl."
My eyes fluttered open to see my father sitting on the edge of my bed, wearing his police uniform. He looked tired and aged in that moment and my heart leapt up into my throat as I scrambled into my a sitting position, my knees drawn up to my chest. I rubbed my eyes tiredly, fighting back a yawn as I concentrated on him.
"Did you find him?" I asked, trying to force down the hope that had welled up inside me. Edward, my boyfriend, had been missing for almost two days now, and I had forced my dad to promise that he would wake me up once he found him, no matter what the time. It was the only thing I could do since my dad had forbidden to join in the search in the nearby woods.
Edward and I had been dating for little over a year, but had known each other for our whole lives. We had been friends since we were in diapers and somehow even managed to make it through puberty with our friendship intact. It had been the summer before Senior year of high school that he had finally asked me out, and I had accepted easily.
"We found him," he confirmed, but the pain etched into his face didn't lessen. My hand flew to my mouth as tears started to build in my eyes.
"Is he-" I couldn't even bring myself to finish the sentence. I could feel my heart shattering into a million pieces at the prospect that he wouldn't be there anymore.
"He is alive," he said, hurrying to dispel that particular fear. "But he's in a bad condition."
He let out a shaky breath, pulling his hat off and fiddling with it, hurt radiating off his body. I knew that my Dad saw Edward as the son he never had, and it often that they would go fishing together on a Saturday morning, both enjoying the peace and quiet of the water. Edward had always been quiet, a lot like my Dad, preferring to show his love through his actions rather than his words.
"Baby girl. I need you to listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you. His parents gave me permission to share this with you, but it's going to be hard to hear." His eyes sought mine, trying to see if I understood what he was trying to say. I nodded, clutching my comforter to my chest tightly.
"It seems that Edward was attacked by what we've gathered to be a group of men. He was badly beaten and has lost a lot of blood. It seems that he must have knocked his head on something because the doctor's are saying that they are going to have to operate on his head to stop a bleed. His ribs and his left arm are broken and they think that he may have sustained some damage to his spine..."
I was full on sobbing my time point. I was sad and I was angry. I couldn't understand why someone would do this to Edward. He had never gone out of his way to hurt anyone. He kept to himself mostly, sometimes hanging out with me and my friends, but also enjoying solitude.
That was something that we had always had in common. Even if we were in the same room, we would each do our respective things, whether it be to read a book or mess around on his computer, we were each able to do it in silence, not feeling the need to fill it with mindless chatter.
"...he was also violated."
It felt as if all the air in my body had fled. My mind ground to a halt, blocking and protecting from the truth of what I had just heard. Panic started to build inside me until my blood swished in my ears, blocking out my Dad's voice. I could still hear bits and pieces.
Rape...
Serious condition...
Crashed...
I wasn't even aware that my body was shaking until I felt my Dad wrap his arms around me, pulling me to his chest as I sat completely numb.
I wanted to scream and wail about how unfair this was. Edward didn't deserve this. He was a loving, sensitive boy who had pledged to love me.
"I want to see him," I finally whispered after what seemed like an eternity.
My Dad sighed. "Baby girl, he's in surgery right now. You won't be allowed in."
I shook my head stubbornly. "He needs me, Dad. He was out there, alone, for nearly two days. How can you expect me to sleep, knowing that he is in there, scared and lost..." I was practically choking on my words. I buried my face in my Dad's chest, feeling my throat tighten and my body shake.
"Baby girl, I need you to calm down," my Dad soothed, running his hand through his hair. "Edward is going to need you to be strong for him when he wakes up. He's going to need a support system to get him through this. Don't let this drag you down. I know it's hard, but I'm counting on you to be the one he'll turn to when he's ready. He loves you so much, Baby girl, but I need to know if you're ready to take this on. It'll be a lifetime job helping him fight his demons. I know you're young, too young to have to face something like this, but Baby girl, I know that you'd do anything for him."
I nodded. "I won't let you down. I won't let him down."
...
I was forced to grow up that night, putting aside all my wants and needs to be the girl Edward needed me to be. It was hard, it still was, but we both fought, pushing past the obstacles.
He didn't wake up for two weeks, yet I visited him every day, reading to him from the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, his favorite books. I soon found out that him being awake was a lot harder than when he was in a coma. He refused to talk or look at anyone. He refused to eat or drink, content to just waste away in his hospital bed.
But I refused to let him to that to himself and I finally snapped after a few days. I had been reading to him and he had been staring blankly out of the window like he always did, but I found I couldn't just couldn't keep pretending like everyone else was that everything was fine. I had allowed myself to cry that day in front of him, I'd asked him why he was giving up. I'd asked him if he still loved me.
I had told him how hard it was for me to see him like this, but that it didn't make me love him any less. I had even gone so far as to climb up onto the bed beside him, carefully tucking myself against his chest on the narrow bed. That was the day that he had finally cried.
"I need a drink," Edward murmured, his voice breaking slightly as he stood up, pulling on the boxers he had discarded a few hours earlier. He refused to look at me as he padded across the room and out of the bedroom.
I could literally feel the walls he was putting up, shutting me out, and I let my head droop forward, raking my hands through my hair as I tried to get a hold of my emotions.
A few tears escaped, but I wiped them away as I tugged the sheets around my body.
I couldn't deny that I partly blamed myself for his nightmare tonight. I knew I shouldn't blame myself and that it wasn't actually my fault, but it didn't stop the guilt my squeezing my insides.
For the last year, Edward and I had been seeing a sex therapist that specialized in cases of abuse. Edward had been determined to give me as 'normal' a relationship as he was able to.
I knew he couldn't help it when something triggered a flashback, especially when it came in regard to sex, and there was no point in dwelling on such things. Don't get me wrong, Edward pleased me greatly in the bedroom, worshiping my body like I was a goddess. The problem stemmed more from me touching him.
I knew we had pushed some definite boundaries earlier tonight, and while there had been no triggers at the time, it seemed as though something we had done had caused him his mind to bring back memories he would have definitely rather forgot.
I knew that right now, he was stewing downstairs, taking his time as he dealt with the self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy. He would feel as though he had failed me in some way and I literally had to force myself not to follow him down there to dispel his insecurities.
I knew there were times when I had to step back and let him work through his emotions alone, but it didn't make it any easier. I was his wife, his rock, the lighthouse that guided him safely through the harsh waters and it went against everything in me to sit here and make him do it alone.
I placated myself with the knowledge that coddling him when he was like this was infinitely worse than letting him be. We had talked extensively to our therapist about these things and I knew that Edward didn't want me to fight his battles for him. It made him feel like less of a man and made his insecurities rise up until he thought he wasn't good enough.
He had tried many times to try and dump me or leave me when he was in the midst of one of his weaker moments, but I refused to let him. If he left, I went out and brought him home. If he tried to split us up, I would stand my ground, refusing to move an inch until he saw reason.
I had learned long ago that it wasn't me that caused him to act like that, and I knew that no matter what he did, he would always love me, whether he chose to show it to me or not.
It was a constant battle for me to break down the walls he kept on rebuilding, but I loved him enough to do it time and time again. He did it less often now, but there were times when it was simply better to let him work through something before pressuring him to open up about it.
He just needed to know that I would fight for him with each breath I took.
...
Earlier that evening.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked him as I leaned over his body, my thighs straddling his stomach. I was careful not to put any of my actual weight on him as I placed my hands by his shoulder.
He nodded and swallowed nervously. "Yeah. I mean, we can try, right?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. Okay. But if you want me to stop at any time, please tell me. I don't want you pushing yourself too hard tonight. This is meant to be pleasurable," I reminded him.
He sighed, but cupped my face in his hands, guiding my lips to his. "I trust you," he murmured quietly against my mouth before deepening the kiss. I hummed in pleasure against his mouth as he drew my bottom lip between his, sucking on it as he traced little patterns on my bare hips.
He released my lip as he tilted his head to the side, dipping his tongue into my mouth. I eagerly met his tongue with my own, letting them touch and stroke against each other.
"I love you," he murmured, pulling back, his eyes filled with so much sincerity that it almost hurt to look into them.
"I love you too," I whispered back, letting a smile tug on the edges of my lips. I ducked my head down, kissing along the length of his jaw, my teeth nipping the skin gently before I laved my tongue over it, tasting his skin.
I drifted down, letting my tongue flick over his Adam's apple before sucking on the hollow of his throat. He groaned quietly, his hands never faltering on my hips, encouraging me to continue.
Feeling empowered I moved down to his chest, scraping my teeth against his nipples before swirling my tongue around them, causing them to pucker up. I traced my tongue over his well formed chest, loving the way it dipped and rose, contracting against the feelings I was giving him.
His hands moved up to my sides as I continued sliding down his body, hunting over his narrow hips and pelvis, but pausing before I got to his erection.
"You ready?" I asked him and he gave me a jerky nod, letting his head fall back as his eyes drifted shut.
I took a deep breath before carefully wrapping my fingers around the base of his cock. His hips flexed slightly and he let out a shuddering breath, but made no move to stop me. I lowered my mouth, my eyes glued to his face to see his reactions, and licked a long trail from top to bottom.
He sucked in a sharp breath, his hands clutching my sides tighter, but nodded for me to continue.
I continued giving him some tentative licks to acclimate him before moving my mouth to take him in.
"I'm going to take you now, okay?" I told him soothingly. He squeezed my side in acknowledgement but kept his eyes firmly shut. I swirled my tongue around the tip, dipping it under the skin at the head before sucking it into my mouth.
An expression between pain and pleasure washed over his face, his swollen lips parting slightly as he breathed out shallowly. I used my free hand to rub his thigh, hoping to help him stay grounded, to stay in the present.
"You okay?" I asked, pulling back.
He opened one eye slightly before snapping it back closed. "Um...yeah, I'm good," he told me.
Knowing that he wouldn't lie to me unnecessarily, I lowered my mouth back to him, wrapping my lips around the leaking head, tasting his essence. I cautiously slid more of him into my mouth, hollowing out my cheeks as I started bobbing my mouth up and down.
His hips trembled with the restraint of keeping still and I pulled back once again.
"Baby, you can move your hips a little," I urged him but he shook his head vehemently.
I decided not to push him on this, knowing that he had already taken a big step in allowing me to go down on him. Baby steps, I reminded myself, ducking my head back down.
In all honesty, I was rather enjoying giving him a blow job, the feel of his veins throbbing with blood against my tongue was erotic. I could taste him, the salty, musky taste that was laced with something that was undeniably him.
I worked him over, my hands pumping the part of him that I couldn't fit in my mouth.
I could feel him slowly relaxing some of his tense muscles as he let himself enjoy the pleasure I was giving him. He became more vocal, no longer suppressing his grunts and moans as I bobbed up and down.
"Stop!" he growled as he drew near to his release. I immediately backed off, simply using my hand to get him off. I grabbed the towel that was next to me as he arched his back, a long string of expletives leaving his lips.
He pulsed in my hand and I used the towel to catch all of his cum, knowing how much it freaked him out to find it on him.
He slumped back against the bed, panting hard, and I climbed up his body, brushing his hair out of his face.
"You did it, baby," I told him, placing an open-mouthed kiss on the edge of his jaw.
He opened his eyes, looking quite proud of himself. "I did, didn't I?" he responded, pushing a hand through my hair. He leaned up, kissing my forehead softly before letting me slip off the bed, the towel in hand, to brush my teeth.
...
I sighed, slipping out of bed, pausing to pick up Edward's t-shirt that he had left on the floor and shrugging it on. I drifted over to the window, peering out into our neighborhood with it's perfectly manicured lawns and cookie cutter neighbors.
We had moved to Tacoma a few years after graduating college so that I could fulfill my dream of becoming a journalist with the local newspaper the News Tribune. It covered Tacoma's and Seattle's news and I was lucky enough to get a job as a columnist.
Edward who, after graduating a year after me at MIT, had started his own small computer engineering company here in Tacoma, was slowly rising up the business ladder.
It had taken years to get where he was, but with over one hundred employees, he had gotten over the hurdles. It also meant that he could do most of the work from home, only going into the office three days a week, which in itself was a godsend.
I closed the window before padding downstairs to the bottom floor, realizing that it had been almost an hour since Edward had disappeared to get a drink. The kitchen was dark and empty when I entered it, not that it surprised me too much, and I poured myself a glass of water, drinking it quickly before going up to the second floor.
Our bedroom was actually a renovated attic since Edward preferred to sleep in an open space without walls closing in on him.
I could hear the faint plucking of guitar strings as I walked toward where I knew he was.
We had a room at the end of the hallway on the second floor which was simply for us. It was our private little nook. No one but us was allowed to enter it.
I pushed open the door slightly, watching him from the doorway as his fingers moved up and down the fret board, his long fingers almost hypnotizing in their lithe movements. His head was bent down as he hunched over the guitar, totally oblivious to the world around him.
He always played when he was trying to block something out. Whether it be his thoughts or the darkness of silence.
The tune he played was haunting, the notes low and filled with hurt and pain. I leaned my head against the doorway, closing my eyes as I just let the music wash over.
I wasn't sure for how long I stood listening until he finished, but I knew by the way the notes had risen, inserting hope and love into it, that he had reached the place he needed. I wandered over to him as he placed his guitar back on its stand.
He wasn't surprised by my presence as I moved between his legs, wrapping my arms around his neck as he buried his head into my stomach.
"I hoped that you would go back to sleep," he murmured, inhaling deeply as his hands slid up my bare thighs.
"Hmmm, well, I was going to, but I was missing my favorite Teddy."
It had always been a joke between us using the nickname Teddy since he positively hated any kind variation of nicknames and he was a great cuddler.
"Well, he's here now, and we both need some sleep since we have an early morning tomorrow."
He stood up, lifting me in his arms bridal style as he did so causing me to shriek and giggle. I looped my arms around his neck.
"My hero," I said breathily, batting my eyelashes at him.
"I think you've been reading too many of those trashy romance novels," he said dryly as he carried me down the hallway.
"Hey!" I protested, slapping his chest lightly. "They happen to be rather stimulating. Ricardo has just confessed his love to Angelica in a moment of heated passion."
"Stimulating," he scoffed, nudging the bedroom door open with his shoulder before swinging me toward the bed.
I squealed as he dumped me unceremoniously on it, causing me to bounce up and down. His shirt that I was wearing rode up my thighs and I tugged it back down, not knowing if he was in the mood for something like that. My eyebrows rose as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of his boxers and tugged them down his legs.
"What are you doing?" I asked, ogling the sinewy lines of his muscles.
"I want to make love to my wife. Is that okay?" he asked, crawling up the bed and pushing me to lie back in the middle of it.
"You won't hear me complaining," I murmured as he dragged his shirt up over my stomach, his touch like a soothing balm to my skin.
His lips ghosted over my jaw. "I just need to feel you," he admitted before pulling the shirt over my head. I nodded, pulling his face to mine.
My eyelids fluttered as I felt his breath wash over my face. "We're okay," I murmured just as I felt the softness of his lips caress mine. He sighed in my mouth, moving up higher over me as his arms wrapped around my waist, hugging me closer to him. His lips pulled back from mine and he hunted down my body, using each nibble, kiss and caress to say what he couldn't.
Suckling on my nipple.
I'm sorry for shutting you out.
A kiss on the soft skin of my stomach.
I love you more than words can say.
His tongue sliding over my wet folds.
I'll never stop wanting you.
His lips wrapping around my swollen clit.
I can't get enough of you.
By the time he had climbed back up my body, I was a panting, sweating mess, bliss written clearly over my face.
One of his hands immediately gravitated to my breasts, palming and fondling one, while the other reached over toward the nightstand to get a condom.
"Wait!" I said.
He looked at me, waiting, wondering, as I bit my lip and tried to calm my rapidly beating heart.
"I think we're ready to...I want to try..." I huffed in frustration at my inability to speak. "Maybe we can start trying for a baby."
He gazed at me, not shocked by my sudden proclamation. We had talked about this seriously many times. Our lives had settled somewhat and I knew how much Edward wanted kids before we both got too old. I had been off the pill for a few months now, but we've never actually taken that last step and had unprotected sex.
"Tonight?" he asked quietly, and I suddenly felt bad for putting pressure on him, especially after what happened earlier. I cursed myself for ruining what I know would have been a fulfilling end to this evening.
I sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just sprung it on you. I should have asked if you were ready beforehand instead of just-"
I was cut off by his hand being placed over my mouth. "Bella, if you want to try now then we can," he said simply.
I tugged his hand from my mouth. "Really?"
He nodded. "We've talked about this. It was only a matter of time before we took the final step. If you're ready then so am I. I want this, don't doubt that."
He cut off any and all answering replies with his lips, pushing me back down flat on my back as he positioned himself between my legs. My hands stroked up and down his back as he hovered over me, his body blanketing mine as he slowly guided himself into me, his eyes never leaving mine.
I couldn't hold back the gasp of pleasure that escaped me when he entered me fully, the feeling of being stretched and filled surpassing any other kind of pleasure he could inflict upon me.
He paused, giving me a moment to adjust before pulling back and thrusting back in. My legs wrapped around his narrow hips, holding him closer to me as I raised my hips to meet his.
We were shrouded in darkness, the moon's glow having receded sometime earlier. Instead of frightening me and setting me on edge like it did before, I simply welcomed it, let it cloak us as we moved in tandem.
I sighed and panted beneath him, not hiding the extent of the pleasure that he was giving me. I trembled, my body shaking as I arched up into him, brushing my nipples against his chest.
"Edward," I breathed out as another moan left me. My arms wrapped around his waist, my nails digging into his shoulders as I clung to him. He pressed his forehead against mine, his shallow breaths fanning out over my face as his hands slid over my thighs, pulling my body even tighter against his.
I felt his pelvis grind into mine as the slick sounds of our coupling filling the air. He rested his forehead against mine, his eyes shining with so many emotions that it physically hurt for me to see. It was in these moments that I could see him bare, stripped of every defense and wall that he protected himself with.
I could see the love.
The lust.
The awe.
The determination.
The hopes for the future.
His hand drifted between our bodies as his thrusts became more harsh and erratic. It lingered on my stomach for a second, telling me without words how much more this was than just making love. We were actually attempting to make something/someone out of our love.
His fingers dipped into my folds, stroking my clit in hopes that I would cum with him.
I threw my head back against the pillows, my mouth opening in a silent scream of gratification as my body gave into the pleasure, spasming and clenching around his length as I let everything go.
The worry.
The pain.
The helplessness.
None of it existed in that moment. It was just me and him, but that was the only thing that I had ever wanted.
AN: This is far removed from anything I've ever written, but its been on my heart to write something along these lines. Rape is serious. It happens to both men and women, and it doesn't just affect the person, but it affects their whole family.