"A Fabulous Woman Indeed"
This is a "true" story about the one and only Maria Antoinette. I bet you are wondering, "Who is this wonderful, amazing human being speaking?" It is I, her court jester, Petey Peanuts. I have known little Marie for about, well, all her life and nothing brings more tears to my eyes then seeing her happy with that Louis boy that she is in love with now. But it was not always this way. She used to live in this beautiful castle back in Austria, or as I like to call it, "Little New York." This castle was great. It had 29 bedrooms, 19 bathrooms, 6 dining halls, a dragon's quarter and the largest hallways you could ever imagine. Did I mention it was all purple? Yes, it was beautiful- nothing compared to what Louis has her living in now, but still, it was all the talk north of the "Boot". You would think with all this, Marie was spoiled. Not really. She was loved by the many people in her country. Her date book was filled to the max with appointments, self-help talks, motivational speeches, everything!
One day when she was sitting in her room brushing her long golden hair, her mother came in. Boy, was that day rough! Her mother told her she was to marry the prince of France, Louis XVI. Now, do not get me wrong, NOW she loves Louis but before the thought of marrying someone she did not know made her throw up a little "in her mouth" as her exact words were.
"Ma! Ain't now way I'm marrying some guy with numbers after name!"
"Marie, I swear, you better not fight me on this. It's already done."
"But, Ma, the thought of even marrying this guy makes me wanna throw up in my mouth!"
"Marie, get down from the window pane! You are not going to jump out the window, besides we are not even a floor up. Enough of this nonsense. You are marrying him and that is final. Your father ordered it."
"Did daddy say I Had, to had to marry him?"
"Yes!"
Well, if daddy said it then…"
"Oh, of course, for your father… but for me-fight with me tooth and nail!"
Well, you get the idea pretty much. The fight lasted a good hour or so of them going back and forth, Marie threatening to jump out the window into the rose bushes, the queen chasing her around the table with the broom and all arranged. So instead of fighting it, she joined the bandwagon and starting getting excited (plus she saw that he was voted #1 in France's People for Most Beautiful Male Bachelors). So I guess you can say that what you have to remember is that people should be happy with what they are given and not go after anything more because her luck turned out great!
Her mother called all the family members including her two uncles, Henry IV and Cardinal Richelieu. Cardinal Richelieu was to marry them. She called her future grandfather-in-law Louis XIV, and cousins Robespierre and Danton. They were all very excited.
"Ma, look at all those people out there."
"I know Marie. They all came for you and Louis. It's not just a wedding but a huge celebration! You're gonna be queen, too! After 72 long years, France finally will have two new rulers. We could not refuse anyone coming. That's not how this family rolls"
And so, they got married and it was a big, beautiful wedding where everyone in the kingdom and beyond attended. We had to set up extra chairs on the patio and we through 2,000 tissue boxes that day. I cannot tell you how many jokes I had to tell to boost everyone back from all those happy tears!
After the wedding, Louis thought it would be better if they did not live with her parents- smart guy, I must say- and so he took her back to France with him. However, Louis XVI and Maria Antoinette wanted to travel to foreign countries for pleasure. To me, they just wanted to extend their honeymoon, but what do I know, I'm just the court jester. As long as I got a job at the end of the day, I am one happy fella'
However, while the cats are away, the mice will play. And boy, did the mice of France play! France went through some problems. France was taken over by Robespierre, Maria's uncle (never trust family). He was mean. He did not like all attention Louis XVI and Maria Antoinette were getting. So, he thought it would be a good idea to have their heads chopped off. After a nice cat and mouse game, they escaped his crazy plan and turned the tables on him! Maria created the National Convention in order to find a solution to all France's problems and have them like her again because Robespierre really brainwashed them (I was even beginning to have my doubts). Then, they had Robespierre sent to the guillotine along with his right hand man, Danton, because of the chaos and fear that he created in people during his little Reign of Terror. He was sending people left and right to the head cutters for blinking, so Marie thought it nice to return the favor. Such a smart girl she is.
Amidst all this, Maria Antoinette had her own personal problems. She loved to have parties and women everywhere wanted to imitate her. She liked spending money and did not care about the country's economy. This lifestyle lasted about three years until Louis took the credit cards away from her. She felt lost without her Renaissance Express and Castle One cards and I remember the nights of her crying herself to sleep saying that this might be the last Egyptian cotton sheets she sleeps on! That is when I invested in earplugs.
Finally, she grew bored of not shopping and decided that she was going to change her world and the world around her. I do not know what made her have this epiphany but it was nice. I will not complain. It is like she went to bed a mess and woke up a politician but one that actually keeps their promises.
She gave everyone the Rights of Man, where men and women are born equal and remained equal. She had a new Constitution written and made France a republic. Along with the National Convention she created schools and the metric system. She took care of the poor and built houses for the homeless. She bought a tool belt! Everyone loved her and idolized her even more than before. She was making a difference and learning how to accept what she had. Parties and cloths were not as important to her anymore. Seeing people happy were- and I think, secretly, she liked the new attention she was getting.
Louis XVI was even impressed. He returned her credit cards and she used them for smart purposes like society needs and fundraisers. Eventually, Louis XVI and Maria Antoinette had children together. They taught them the importance of working and not being like some princes and princesses who drive around in golden carriages all day waving to people. They are on their forty second year of ruling as King and Queen and next year, I think they will turn the kingdom over. The old King is getting rather old, and well, the prince is not getting any younger.
As for me, this story is over and I am looking forward to retiring. I am sick of juggling oranges!