Song by Sarah McLachlan- Angel
Disclaimer: I do not own the magnificent word of Harry Potter.
Angel
Sometimes you just want to run away from everything. Let it all be banished into the depth of the hell and let it rot there for all of eternity. But what am I saying? You probably don't even understand… In fact I'm almost sure that you don't. No one could ever understand. No one understands that nothing is ever okay for me. Everything I have is always snatched from me. It's like there is a fence that won't allow me to turn away from the road I'm on and there are people on either side, taunting me with their happiness…
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
At one point I thought it all was looking up. That was five years ago, after the battle. In that instance where I saw Voldemort fall to the ground I though, "It's all done now…" But that was it. Just that one moment. But then reality crashed upon me…
It was a miracle that I was still alive. Curses rocketed by me every second but I was still here, fighting the battle. I could hear Ron and Neville shouting support from behind me and they dueled with the Death Eaters. I was exhausted. All my energy was slowly draining away.
"Come on Harry! You can defeat him, Harry!" Neville was shouting from beside Ron as they shot hexes in every direction.
"We didn't spend six years getting those Horcruxes so you could get tired! You can do it, Harry!" shouted Ron. He was right, too. We had spent six years finding all the Horcruxes. Six years. Honestly, those were some of the good years. In those six years I got to spend time with the most important people in my life: Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. I got to witness Ron and Hermione's engagement, and shortly after that, my own Ron was a nervous wreck. I thought he was going to throw up all over her as he knelt down on one knee. Ginny stood beside me, wiping away her tears. A month later I managed to convince McGonagall to let me use the Gryffindor Common room for a bit over the summer. I took Ginny to there, where it all had started. Ginny had said yes before I could even get the words out. That was two years before the battle.
More than anything I wish Hermione could have been there to see Ron fight. I wish she could have had a few more months with her fiancé. I don't know how Ron did it, but he managed to keep going. He came back with more determination than I had ever seen in someone. It was heartbreaking but I couldn't help but feel proud of my best friend and brother-in-law as I saw him conquer every opponent he faced.
I muttered the incantation and, in a flash of light, the Horcrux was gone. It was the last one. We had really done it, together. A feeling of accomplishment flooded over me and I ran towards the door where Ron and Hermione stood watch.
"Did you do it?" Ron muttered as I came to the doorway of Godric's Hollow. I nodded, looking around for the Death Eaters that liked to follow us. Hermione gasped and pointed towards a gap in the forest ahead of us. At least seven Death Eaters stood poised to fight.
"We're way outnumbered…" Ron said, trying to control the panic in his voice. My mind was racing, trying to think of a way to get out of this. Apparition was out of the question; too many wards were placed around here. All we had was the remnants of the house… I let out a steady breath.
"We need to get them into the house. Then we can make it collapse on them."
Hermione looked around in alarm. Her face was ashen from getting through the obstacles she had so successfully destroyed.
"But, Harry, your parents' house—"
"Should be used to defeat Voldemort, not sit here doing nothing," I finished for her. The two nodded and stood ready. As if we read each others' minds we all cast a hex at the same moment. The Death Eaters rushed forward, shooting every Unforgivable they could. We back up into the house, still shooting and dodging hexes.
"Harry! We can't be in here! It'll collapse on us!" Ron shouted, firing a stinging hex at the person in front of him. Hermione shook her head slightly, holding onto Ron's hand.
"You two get out! I know what to do!" Ron gave her a curious look but she said nothing. She kissed him briefly and whispered, "I love you." Hermione turned to me and kissed my cheek, giving us a slight shove towards the back door.
I should have known right then. I should have stayed in that damn house until I was sure everyone would get out okay… But without her, I'm pretty sure we all would have died that day. Hermione saved us.
I felt my heart being torn to shreds as I watched the house crumble from above her head. I heard Ron's strangled cry as we heard her scream. He hadn't waited a second. He ran over to the pile of debris and threw everything he could away, muttering curses and prayers under his breath. He finally uncovered her, her bruised and battered face. She smiled slightly at us as tears fell down her face.
"You guys can beat him…" She said softly. "I love you both so much…"
I turned away, not completely sure what to do with myself anymore. She was dying. I had sworn we would all get through this together… We would live our happily ever after and if I had anything to say about it, that's how it was going to be damn it!
"Hermione…" Ron whispered weakly. "We can get you out of this. Just one more month and we can get married!" Ron said, cradling her face in his hands.
"We are married, Ron. I don't need to sign a piece of paper to show that…" She said, attempting a smile. And, just like that, Hermione Granger…no, Hermione Weasley, died.
We had such precious little time to say goodbye. Ron refused to accept she was gone. She was just sleeping. She was tired from the fight… Ron held her memory close to his heart. It drove him forward every step of the way. I wish I could do that… I wish I could just move on. These past five years have been… miserable doesn't even describe it.
There's always one reason
to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
If I could just go back and make everything start over you better believe I would. I would keep Ginny as far as I could from everything, no matter how much she begged me. I wouldn't allow it to happen…
I was finally one step ahead. I could finally end it all. As my wand pointed to Voldemort's chest I was ready to conclude this part of my life. I didn't even bother to say "Good riddance." It was something like a child on Christmas morning. I couldn't wait to see what the future held. I didn't want to waste a second of peace.
"Ah, ah, ah, Harry…" Voldemort said from his place in front of me. "You wouldn't want to give me a reason to give the signal," he said with a wicked smile. I furrowed my eyebrows, not sure what he meant.
"What are you talking about?" I said, keeping a firm grip on my wand. Voldemort waved a hand. I was beginning to think he had gone crazy and was making excuses to stay alive just a few more moments, but then I saw them.
Four Death Eaters marched into view, standing just behind Voldemort. That is when I saw Ginny, fighting tooth and nail to escape from her captor, keeping a weary eye on the other Death Eater's wand that was pointed at her. But that was only two of the four. Now I saw where Ginny was fighting towards. A cloaked figure stood holding my three-month-old daughter, Lilian Jane Potter.
I felt the shock hit my body and the rage flood through me. My wand began to shake. I heard Voldemort's laughter as he witnessed the effect of his plan.
"Now what? Let's see…What to do? What to do? Hard choice, isn't it, Harry? Save the world or save your wife and daughter?" He said mockingly. I'm not sure what happened but suddenly my wand had shot a curse at Voldemort. The jet of green light soared towards him. Voldemort seized his wand and sent an identical curse towards me. The two collided and I felt the familiar memory of my fourth year come rushing back. The wand connected and I held on with all my strength, pushing the beads of light towards Voldemort. It hardly registered to me when I saw him snap his fingers. I only realized what I had done when I saw Lily drop to the ground, her green eyes suddenly blank. I heard Ginny's scream. I heard my mind screaming for release. Let everything go back to first year when everything was young and my biggest worry was what detention held for us…
I let out a roar of fury and focused all my energy to the task ahead. Conquer, defeat, to overcome. Soon an explosion of energy blasted from the wand connection. A wave of raw magic swept the grounds. I saw Voldemort drop at my feet, but my eyes searched for Ginny, for Ron, for Lily, for Neville, for anyone.
You may think I triumphed that day. You may believe whatever you want. But that day that was suppose to hold happiness could not have been farther from delight. I wish I had died that day. I wish I could have gone with them… Take me! Take me with you… That's what I want. I need to be with them. I need to her Ginny's voice again. I need to hold my tiny baby girl in my arms once more. I need to have the Hogwarts days back. I need to hear Hermione tell me to finish my homework or I'll never pass my N.E.W.T. s.
Let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
I fell to the ground, my knees giving way to exhaustion. I was calling any name that popped into my head. I even heard myself calling for Hermione. I kept my eye closed; not wanting to see what may or may not be in front of me when I open them. But I felt a need to know. I had to know if everyone was still okay. My heart was aching from the death of my daughter but I needed to at least see her… I gathered my strength and stood before opening my eyes and immediately wished I hadn't.
Horror. Everywhere I looked I saw bodies sprawled on the ground. Not a single person stirred from their place on the ground. I heard the strangled cry leave my lips. I looked wildly around, searching for a glimmer of hope, anyone that was living.
I looked to my right, looking away from the sight of Lavender Brown's deadened eyes, but instead fell upon something much worse. Ginny's auburn hair was spread across the grassy lawn, Lily in her arms. Neither moved. Neither breathed. I knelt down at her side, brushing a strand of soft hair away from her pale face. Her hands were wrapped around Lily's small body, as if protecting her from a fate that had already claimed her.
So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
I turned away from the corpses of my wife and daughter, but in turning away I was only faced with another empty face staring back at me. I felt trapped. I couldn't turn away and I couldn't make it leave. For some reason, I couldn't close my eyes. It was something similar to watching a train wreck; I just couldn't look away. Everywhere I looked, my family and my friends stared blankly back at me. I turned away from Ron and Neville's pale shocked faces and faced the body of Lord Voldemort, lifeless on the ground, the one death I was not sorry to see.
Rage was overcoming my shock. As I stared at the creature before me I wanted nothing more than to send him to the depths of the ocean. Let the pressure crush him and banish whatever was left to the deepest pit of hell. It was his fault they were all dead!
I was very naïve then. About two weeks later, after all the services, I slowly began to realize… It was my fault. I sent the first curse. I was the one Voldemort was after. Me.
Do you know what it's like? To have everyone know your name? To have them wave cheerily at you as you pass them by on the street, thinking that you saved the world? To have them shout, "Harry Potter? Hi! How are you?" and lie through your teeth, "I'm fine. How are you?"
You keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
So you may understand my decision now. You might just know exactly why the blood flows from my body now. You may understand, but you can't know. You don't know how I feel or what I live with every single damn day that I'm living and everyone I had ever cared about isn't. You don't have to live with the guilt, knowing it's your fault that hundreds of families are now down one brother, one sister, one mother or father because of me.
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
So as I lie here, at the site of my family's murder, I finally begin to feel the effects of the gashes in my wrist as rain begins to fall. You might be thinking that I am being irrational, unreasonable, but I can't live alone anymore. I can't move on. The love I once shared with them was dangled in front of me and taken away as I reached for it. I feel myself slowly shutting down and I hear the most beautiful sound. I hear the choir of angels calling for me. What is even more beautiful, I can easily distinguish the voices of the people I love.
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
A light touch on my shoulder causes me to turn, searching for the source of the unexpected presence. The figure in purest white holds out her hand, her red hair billowing in a breeze that I hadn't noticed before. Her green eyes held laughter and joy, but they were bright from tears that brimmed the edges.
"Hi, Mum," I said weakly, trying as much as I could to smile. She beamed back at me as if this was the greatest privilege, to take me away from this earth. I took her hand and before I could catch my breath, we were away.
It's the most curious sensation, to fly above your own body, soaring above. Everything just…evaporates. The guilt, the troubles, the worry, the misery, the world… It's all left behind. But from the perspective, you get a much clearer view. The castle I spent so many years in sits elegantly on its mountain and I am sorry to leave it.
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
We land softly on a beach of purely white powdery sand. I turn to my angel, smiling, something I had missed these past five years. She wrapped her arms around me in a protective embrace.
"Harry… It wasn't your time…" She whispered. I put my arms around her and said,
"I could go without you anymore…"
As I pulled away I see the mass of red-headed figures, standing patiently as my side. I didn't even have the chance to say hello before Hermione had crashed into me.
"I missed you so much! Oh, Harry… It shouldn't have been like this… I had to do it though! We were all going to die! I missed you so much!" She said, all very fast. I held her tightly; feeling like this was all some kind of taunting dream. I was afraid to let any of it go or it my dissolve in front of me. But it seemed I had no choice in the matter, for the next second I was facing Ron.
"Good to see you, mate," He said with a broad smile. Harry stood in front of his brother, realizing how much he had really needed their company. Overcome with his emotions, Harry took his friend in his arms.
"You stupid prat," Ron said with laughter, "You just had to go and knock yourself off, didn't you?"
I laughed and slowly released him. It felt good to laugh. It's been too long since I've had any reason to.
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
As I scanned over the sea of red hair, I found the one I had been searching for. She wasn't hard to spot. Ginny was pushing her way through, her eyes swimming in tears. I wanted to run over to her, scoop her into my arms and hold her there, but my legs were paralyzed.
I stood with frozen anticipation, waiting for her to get close enough. I watched as her eyes, those big brown eyes, sparkled with happiness and as her ruby hair shone in the sunlight. When she was facing me, I wasted no time. I wrapped my arms around her small waist, now remembering how small she always felt.
You could never know the relief of it. No matter how I explained it, or how many metaphors were thrown in, there is no comparison to the feeling of a lost lover in your arms. All the emotions that had buried themselves in my heart were now ascending to the surface. My eyes were stinging with salty tears and I clung to the delicate frame of my once lost wife.
"I love you so much. I couldn't keep going without you. Everything was closing in and I was trapped. I missed you so much. I love you. I love you. I love you," I muttered into her hair, not thinking about what I was saying. She kissed me briefly before putting a finger to my lips.
"Someone wants to see you," she said in a teary voice, wiping away her tears. She took my hand as led me to my mother, resting on the sand with a baby. Ginny gathered the infant in her arms. I felt my breath hitch as I watched the baby open its little eyes. I held out my hands to my daughter who held out her petite hands to me. Smiling, I lifted her into my arms.
"Hello, Lily…" I said softly, stroking her feathery hair. A hand on my shoulder caused me to look away from the literally angelic face. A grinning man I had never seen before stood behind me, but I knew exactly who he was.
"Hi, Dad," I said, grinning fully now.
"Hey, Harry…" He said.
Feelings I thought had been vanished forever were now causing tears to sting my eyes. I look away, hoping no one would see. Ginny wrapped her arm around me and I put my free arm around her shoulders. It was as if those five years had turned into five minutes. It was as if we hadn't been apart at all. And so as I stand here, attempting to explain things that left me speechless, I see before me an assembly of heroes, of family, of friends, of people who never got to see the daybreak of life. Maybe this is all some taunting dream, but I really don't care. Just as long as it lasts a lifetime, then I'm okay with dreams…
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here…
A/N: Special thanks to Jo for NOT doing this! I was afraid there was going to be this mass killing spree of all the beloved characters in DH. So... THANK YOU JO!
Just a quick thought: I don't think this is realistic. I'm usually against the whole Suicidal!Harry thing, but I thought I'd try it... Normally (I'm Christian) I think people who commit suicide go to hell because that's what the Bible says and whatnot, but its HARRY! I couldn't do that to him! So all of that aside, what do you think?
This has been sitting in my Word documents for a long time and I finally decided to post it. So tell me what you think! (please)
Anyone who is looking for an update on Remembering to Live, it's coming. Don't worry. I don't like that fic very much anymore but I will finish it for the people who have it on Alert. Only a chapter or two to go and then I will be working on... I think I'm going to go with Hanging on Hope. So be on the lookout for that! It really is better than the summary! Even a huge one like that!