Four Characters in Search of a Plot
(or a fanfic writer tries to think up a fresh idea)
"Peachy, another fanfic writer, just what the Internet needed" Jack groaned. "What's your specialty lady, S/J, H/C, Action/Adventure? What treat is in store for us today?"
"Cut the sarcasm and be grateful I'm not a whumper" the writer said.
The Colonel relaxed slightly. Some of these fanfic writers put the Marquis de Sade to shame. He could really do without the blow-by-blow torture scenes those sick puppies thought up.
"I'm trying to think up a decent plot, preferably one that hasn't been run into the ground" the fanfic writer said.
Jack nodded, certain storylines were overused. "You're new to fanfic, aren't you" he said.
"Yes, and it seems that every idea I can think of has been used at least 200 times before" the writer said.
"We're captured by the Gou'ald and escape" Jack said, trying to be helpful.
"Nah, I can't think of a new angle on that one", the writer responded. "Does the world really need another 'Escape from Alcatraz' rip-off?"
Jack was hurt, he preferred a good action/adventure story where he could use his military training.
"What about a nice Sam/Jack romance", the blond scientist suggested.
"I'm sorry hon, but ever since I saw 'The Curse" I just don't buy you in a relationship with the good Colonel" answered the writer.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam snapped.
"The whole crewcut and combat boots look, combined with the motorcycle. Not that there's anything wrong with that." the writer answered.
"Oh" said Sam.
"Funny, you didn't mention that theory in one of your other fics. You know, the one where you had us break up before we even got to Minnesota" Jack said.
"I was writing for the family audience, flyboy" the writer answered.
"Tokra Spice returns" Jack asked, hopefully.
"Please, I have some standards left" the writer responded.
Teal'c cleared his throat, startling everyone.
"I forgot all about you" said the writer.
"I am aware of that. Although I am a magnificent warrior, once First Prime to Apophis himself, and a part of the show since 'Children of the Gods' I am also the most underused character in SG1 fanfic. Even minor characters such as Major Davis get more ink" Teal'c said, bitterly. "How about the ever popular 'DanielJackson gets injured, I carry him back through the gate, cradled gently in my strong arms'" the mighty Jaffa said.
"Hey, we could do another bedside vigil in the infirmary" Jack enthused.
"Why is Daniel injured?" the fic writer asked.
"He ignored my orders and touched some alien thingy" Jack answered.
"No, not again" Daniel cried, heartily sick of being cast as the incompetent, clumsy one.
"Done to death" the writer said, getting exasperated. "And Daniel, don't complain, at least I portray you as a competent, professional adult, not a 5 year old or an emotionally unstable wuss" she continued.
"You could always turn Dannyboy into a child" Jack suggested mischievously.
"J'ck" the archeologist pouted.
The writer shook her head.
A. It's been written several times before.
B. Where does all that body tissue go when he transforms from a 180 lb. man to a 40 lb. kid. These fics never mention finding a fetid puddle of goo next to cute little Danny. Also, when Dannyboy returns to adulthood, where does the 100+ lbs. of added flesh come from? Thin air?
"I never thought of that" said Sam.
"No one ever does" the writer said, snarkily.
Daniel looked relieved, he didn't enjoy being turned into a 5 year old, especially around Jack.
"There's always the Mary Sue route" Jack said.
"I hate those, besides, I'm not that interesting" the writer said.
"That doesn't stop anyone else from doing it" Jack pointed out.
//True// the fic writer thought, having encountered the loathsome creature known as "Mary Sue" all too many times. "Yes, but they suck, big-time" she said.
"Daniel gets pregnant" Sam said, helpfully
Jack and Daniel exchanged meaningful glances.
"I'm writing for the family audience here, remember, not Area 52" the fic writer said.
"Sam gets kidnapped by a Gou'ald/NID/crazed stalker, aliens infiltrate Cheyenne Mountain, SG1 gets infected by some space virus?" Daniel suggested.
"Been there, done that. Ah, forget it, I'm going to watch a Seinfeld rerun" the fic writer said, giving up in disgust.
New York City - Alternate Universe:
Jack opens his apartment door let in his old friend Daniel, and ex-girlfriend Sam, (who is still a good friend). "Let's order Chinese" he says. Enter Teal'c, Jack's wacky neighbor (applause) followed by Newman, a young Air Force officer Jack loathes.
"For crying out loud that's the worst idea yet!"
End
(or a fanfic writer tries to think up a fresh idea)
"Peachy, another fanfic writer, just what the Internet needed" Jack groaned. "What's your specialty lady, S/J, H/C, Action/Adventure? What treat is in store for us today?"
"Cut the sarcasm and be grateful I'm not a whumper" the writer said.
The Colonel relaxed slightly. Some of these fanfic writers put the Marquis de Sade to shame. He could really do without the blow-by-blow torture scenes those sick puppies thought up.
"I'm trying to think up a decent plot, preferably one that hasn't been run into the ground" the fanfic writer said.
Jack nodded, certain storylines were overused. "You're new to fanfic, aren't you" he said.
"Yes, and it seems that every idea I can think of has been used at least 200 times before" the writer said.
"We're captured by the Gou'ald and escape" Jack said, trying to be helpful.
"Nah, I can't think of a new angle on that one", the writer responded. "Does the world really need another 'Escape from Alcatraz' rip-off?"
Jack was hurt, he preferred a good action/adventure story where he could use his military training.
"What about a nice Sam/Jack romance", the blond scientist suggested.
"I'm sorry hon, but ever since I saw 'The Curse" I just don't buy you in a relationship with the good Colonel" answered the writer.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam snapped.
"The whole crewcut and combat boots look, combined with the motorcycle. Not that there's anything wrong with that." the writer answered.
"Oh" said Sam.
"Funny, you didn't mention that theory in one of your other fics. You know, the one where you had us break up before we even got to Minnesota" Jack said.
"I was writing for the family audience, flyboy" the writer answered.
"Tokra Spice returns" Jack asked, hopefully.
"Please, I have some standards left" the writer responded.
Teal'c cleared his throat, startling everyone.
"I forgot all about you" said the writer.
"I am aware of that. Although I am a magnificent warrior, once First Prime to Apophis himself, and a part of the show since 'Children of the Gods' I am also the most underused character in SG1 fanfic. Even minor characters such as Major Davis get more ink" Teal'c said, bitterly. "How about the ever popular 'DanielJackson gets injured, I carry him back through the gate, cradled gently in my strong arms'" the mighty Jaffa said.
"Hey, we could do another bedside vigil in the infirmary" Jack enthused.
"Why is Daniel injured?" the fic writer asked.
"He ignored my orders and touched some alien thingy" Jack answered.
"No, not again" Daniel cried, heartily sick of being cast as the incompetent, clumsy one.
"Done to death" the writer said, getting exasperated. "And Daniel, don't complain, at least I portray you as a competent, professional adult, not a 5 year old or an emotionally unstable wuss" she continued.
"You could always turn Dannyboy into a child" Jack suggested mischievously.
"J'ck" the archeologist pouted.
The writer shook her head.
A. It's been written several times before.
B. Where does all that body tissue go when he transforms from a 180 lb. man to a 40 lb. kid. These fics never mention finding a fetid puddle of goo next to cute little Danny. Also, when Dannyboy returns to adulthood, where does the 100+ lbs. of added flesh come from? Thin air?
"I never thought of that" said Sam.
"No one ever does" the writer said, snarkily.
Daniel looked relieved, he didn't enjoy being turned into a 5 year old, especially around Jack.
"There's always the Mary Sue route" Jack said.
"I hate those, besides, I'm not that interesting" the writer said.
"That doesn't stop anyone else from doing it" Jack pointed out.
//True// the fic writer thought, having encountered the loathsome creature known as "Mary Sue" all too many times. "Yes, but they suck, big-time" she said.
"Daniel gets pregnant" Sam said, helpfully
Jack and Daniel exchanged meaningful glances.
"I'm writing for the family audience here, remember, not Area 52" the fic writer said.
"Sam gets kidnapped by a Gou'ald/NID/crazed stalker, aliens infiltrate Cheyenne Mountain, SG1 gets infected by some space virus?" Daniel suggested.
"Been there, done that. Ah, forget it, I'm going to watch a Seinfeld rerun" the fic writer said, giving up in disgust.
New York City - Alternate Universe:
Jack opens his apartment door let in his old friend Daniel, and ex-girlfriend Sam, (who is still a good friend). "Let's order Chinese" he says. Enter Teal'c, Jack's wacky neighbor (applause) followed by Newman, a young Air Force officer Jack loathes.
"For crying out loud that's the worst idea yet!"
End