"Sweet, you again. What's the matter, you still can't think of anything?" Jack said.
"I'll have you know, I had a request for more. I know for a fact that at least four people read the first one" the fic writer replied.
"Four people, wow, I'm sure Steven King is shaking in his boots" Jack said. "Anyhoo, I thought you hit every fanfic cliché the last time".
"Not quite, I didn't mention ridiculous crossovers, vampires or general silliness" the writer responded.
"You mean those challenges where we all end up wearing costumes?" Jack asked, shuddering with horror at the memory of Teal'c in tights.
//Now there's an idea// the fanfic writer thought maliciously. "Jack as the prince in the "Nutcracker. Or perhaps an SG1 Christmas Carol with Senator Kinsey as Scrooge, Major Davis as Bob Crachit, and of course, Daniel in the role of Tiny Tim." she said, a sadistic smile on her face.
Daniel winced, what was it with these fanfic writers, he was 36 years old for crying out loud.
"You could give me supernatural powers" Sam said, hopefully.
"Look here blondie, wormholes, faster than light travel and immortal parasitical aliens impersonating Egyptian gods strain my capacity for suspending disbelief as it is. I don't think we need to add werewolves and hocus-pocus to the mix. Anyway, why is it always you. I'd like to see someone come up with 'General Hammond, Vampire Slayer' for once" the writer said.
"Well, you don't have to take that tone. If I'm not wanted here I'll go work on my motorcycle" Sam said petulantly.
"Daniel and I fall in love, get married, and walk off into the sunset hand in hand to live happily ever after" Dr. Fraiser suggested.
"Haven't you people read any of my work?" the writer snapped, "If I wanted a damn romance I'd write Harlequin novels. Stargate SG1 is supposed to be science fiction, not 'General Hospital' in space. "Anyway, Janet, your job is to run the infirmary with an iron hand, terrorizing the menfolk into submission with just a snap of the glove, not acting like a lovestruck teenager. Besides, I kinda always pictured you with Jack. Although I have to say I find a Daniel/Janet romance slightly more plausible than a Daniel/Sam. At least the two of you don't look like brother and sister".
Jack suddenly visualized a Sam/Daniel relationship, all those big blue eyes, all that fair skin and light hair. "The horror, the horror" he moaned. Turning green, he ran from the room.
"Now, where was I" the fanfic writer mused.
"Again I am ignored" Teal'c complained.
"Ok, ok, cool your jets, I'll put you in a crossover" the writer said, thinking frantically. Iron Chef Tea'lc, Teal'c and the Temple of Doom, Teal'c hosting a game show? No, he'd probably Zat any contestant who irritated him. Actually that idea did have appeal.
Maybe a sitcom then. The fanfic writer considered Teal'c suddenly dropping onto the set of "Friends". Yes, that might work. It would certainly liven things up around Central Perk. Perhaps a Ross-Rachel-Jaffa triangle or a Teal'c-Phoebe-Joey pairing. Or even better, 'Will and Grace' - all four of them fighting over the manly warrior. Karen would probably win that one, the writer believed.
"Excuse me" Daniel said, interrupting this train of thought. "You could answer a songfic challenge".
"The last song I heard on the radio was 'Roxanne'. I really don't think it applies to SG1, unless you're planning to become a hooker" the fanfic writer responded. Daniel blushed.
"Jack gets bitten by a vampire and gets turned into a member of the bloodsucking undead?" Daniel suggested.
"That really sounds more like a Maybourne thing" the writer responded.
"A Star Wars crossover" Teal'c said, eager to get his hands on a light saber.
"Nah, Jar Jar killed that franchise for me" the writer replied.
Teal'c concurred. Jar Jar was an abomination. It would have afforded him much satisfaction to blast that annoying creature with his staff weapon, reducing Jar Jar to a pile of smoking ash.
"Ghosts, amnesia, cutesy jokes about Daniel's addiction to coffee" Sergeant Siler suggested.
"No, none of the above" the writer said, a maniacal gleam in her eye. "I've got it! The all singing, all dancing Stargate-SG1 Variety Hour, featuring musical numbers, skits and of course, the unique vocal stylings of Colonel O'Neill".
General Hammond groaned. He had bravely faced many trials and tribulations in his long career, but the prospect of witnessing Jack and Sam belting out a duet of 'My Heart Will Go On' while Teal'c juggled plates and Daniel performed a modern dance routine with Master Bray'tac was enough to drive even the strongest warrior to despair. //I should have stayed in Texas// he thought.
The End.
"I'll have you know, I had a request for more. I know for a fact that at least four people read the first one" the fic writer replied.
"Four people, wow, I'm sure Steven King is shaking in his boots" Jack said. "Anyhoo, I thought you hit every fanfic cliché the last time".
"Not quite, I didn't mention ridiculous crossovers, vampires or general silliness" the writer responded.
"You mean those challenges where we all end up wearing costumes?" Jack asked, shuddering with horror at the memory of Teal'c in tights.
//Now there's an idea// the fanfic writer thought maliciously. "Jack as the prince in the "Nutcracker. Or perhaps an SG1 Christmas Carol with Senator Kinsey as Scrooge, Major Davis as Bob Crachit, and of course, Daniel in the role of Tiny Tim." she said, a sadistic smile on her face.
Daniel winced, what was it with these fanfic writers, he was 36 years old for crying out loud.
"You could give me supernatural powers" Sam said, hopefully.
"Look here blondie, wormholes, faster than light travel and immortal parasitical aliens impersonating Egyptian gods strain my capacity for suspending disbelief as it is. I don't think we need to add werewolves and hocus-pocus to the mix. Anyway, why is it always you. I'd like to see someone come up with 'General Hammond, Vampire Slayer' for once" the writer said.
"Well, you don't have to take that tone. If I'm not wanted here I'll go work on my motorcycle" Sam said petulantly.
"Daniel and I fall in love, get married, and walk off into the sunset hand in hand to live happily ever after" Dr. Fraiser suggested.
"Haven't you people read any of my work?" the writer snapped, "If I wanted a damn romance I'd write Harlequin novels. Stargate SG1 is supposed to be science fiction, not 'General Hospital' in space. "Anyway, Janet, your job is to run the infirmary with an iron hand, terrorizing the menfolk into submission with just a snap of the glove, not acting like a lovestruck teenager. Besides, I kinda always pictured you with Jack. Although I have to say I find a Daniel/Janet romance slightly more plausible than a Daniel/Sam. At least the two of you don't look like brother and sister".
Jack suddenly visualized a Sam/Daniel relationship, all those big blue eyes, all that fair skin and light hair. "The horror, the horror" he moaned. Turning green, he ran from the room.
"Now, where was I" the fanfic writer mused.
"Again I am ignored" Teal'c complained.
"Ok, ok, cool your jets, I'll put you in a crossover" the writer said, thinking frantically. Iron Chef Tea'lc, Teal'c and the Temple of Doom, Teal'c hosting a game show? No, he'd probably Zat any contestant who irritated him. Actually that idea did have appeal.
Maybe a sitcom then. The fanfic writer considered Teal'c suddenly dropping onto the set of "Friends". Yes, that might work. It would certainly liven things up around Central Perk. Perhaps a Ross-Rachel-Jaffa triangle or a Teal'c-Phoebe-Joey pairing. Or even better, 'Will and Grace' - all four of them fighting over the manly warrior. Karen would probably win that one, the writer believed.
"Excuse me" Daniel said, interrupting this train of thought. "You could answer a songfic challenge".
"The last song I heard on the radio was 'Roxanne'. I really don't think it applies to SG1, unless you're planning to become a hooker" the fanfic writer responded. Daniel blushed.
"Jack gets bitten by a vampire and gets turned into a member of the bloodsucking undead?" Daniel suggested.
"That really sounds more like a Maybourne thing" the writer responded.
"A Star Wars crossover" Teal'c said, eager to get his hands on a light saber.
"Nah, Jar Jar killed that franchise for me" the writer replied.
Teal'c concurred. Jar Jar was an abomination. It would have afforded him much satisfaction to blast that annoying creature with his staff weapon, reducing Jar Jar to a pile of smoking ash.
"Ghosts, amnesia, cutesy jokes about Daniel's addiction to coffee" Sergeant Siler suggested.
"No, none of the above" the writer said, a maniacal gleam in her eye. "I've got it! The all singing, all dancing Stargate-SG1 Variety Hour, featuring musical numbers, skits and of course, the unique vocal stylings of Colonel O'Neill".
General Hammond groaned. He had bravely faced many trials and tribulations in his long career, but the prospect of witnessing Jack and Sam belting out a duet of 'My Heart Will Go On' while Teal'c juggled plates and Daniel performed a modern dance routine with Master Bray'tac was enough to drive even the strongest warrior to despair. //I should have stayed in Texas// he thought.
The End.