Dear Diary,
Hello, my name is Kim Carlisle. I really want to know why I had the urge to write in this. I'm not a diary sort of girl. I'm KIM CARLISLE for goodness sake! Popular and the number one DJ for Cougar Radio. I guess I can drop the front now, since no one will see this. I'll probably bury it in my closet or just plain ol' burn it. What I mean is, I'm not really the girl everyone sees. I'm not perfect; I'm really a slob at home. I'm not popular; people hate me because of my snobby-ness. And I am the number one DJ, but seriously folks, no one cares what I say. They're all listening to that dreadful, horrible, disgusting radio station...
RFR.
I've hated RFR since it came on. Why you ask? It did everything I said on Cougar Radio differently. The DJs were free and weren't suck-ups. The things they said were sassy. Me? I was just a run-down DJ on Cougar Radio who sucked up to Mr. Waller. No one cared if I had an opinion. No one. I mean sure, I had friends...but they wanted my clothes. I had to pay people to become my friends so I didn't look like some loser loner. The truth is, I'm jealous of RFR. I'm jealous that they can say what they want. I mean, they have secret identies...no one will ever see them. It feels like I have a secret identity. I have to be such a good girl because of my parents. They think I have to be this amazing person. They think I have tons of friends.
But I don't. Only one person actually heard me out one day of my entire life. Robbie McGrath. He's 2 years younger than me, and my so called friends would think I'm a loser if I fell in love with him. But really, I am already in love. I like him a lot. He's just there for me and the person I always wanted. I just want to be with him.
The only problem is, I can't. I'm too snobby and I care about what people think. Everyone would label me weird because I'm going out with some weird freshman. Only, I'm the one that's weird. I'm the one that's a coward! I don't understand why I can't become who I want to be. I run away from the good things in life because I'm frightned people will hate or tease me because of it. I've always "loved" being in the spotlight, my parents would say to their friends. They think I love attention. I actually just want to become someone in the crowd. I don't want to stand out! My parents...they think I'm an angel.
But seriously, I'm just a killer. I've killed myself over and over just to become someone I'm not. I've destroyed my values, opinions, dreams and fears...
Just to become someone I hate.
Just to become someone I despise looking at in the mirror.
Just to become someone that no one will never care about or fall in love with.
People never seen me cry at night, since they think I'm so strong. But they'd probably just laugh if they knew. I don't think anyone knows anything about me. They only hate me because I'm popular, snobby...but maybe if I had the courage to tell people what I think and if they found out that I'm not as spoiled as they truely think I am...maybe I'd actually have friends.
No one knows how jealous I am when I see Robbie hanging out with his friends, just laughing..just having fun. No one knows how much I'd die just to be like them. If I had to choose to become a loner with only 2 very good friends of a popular girl with tons of friends that actually hate me...I'd choose the first one.
There are a lot of rumors that go around that are about me...my favorite is that I have a heart of steel, people say. I will never let anyone get close to me. People are scared to be near me and I will never give anyone a chance The only reason that I don't want to be near people is because they might found the most dreadful fear in my entire life...
Myself.
With Love,
Kim Carlisle
The reason I made this was because it came out of me. I never saw one fanfic about Kim. She was always the bad girl and the enemy in the stories, but really, she's just confused. And so, that was Kim...in my eyes. I hope you enjoy it. Chapter 2 will up soon!
-Allie