It's All Coming Back to Me Now
By Jessica Rossi
I was eighteen when my stepfather was killed. Almost 15 years after the abuse had stopped, the man who had committed unspeakably offences against me was dead. The only problem was, I was the main suspect.
It all started on the 15 April. It was a normal day. Dad had no case and so he had been at home most of the day and Mom was in the office at work. I had just got in from school. I was a senior at Oakland's High School which was on the edge of Washington D.C. I remember that day because as I walked in the house, I could smell my dad's cooking. The smell of herbs and tomato filled my nostrils as I put my bag down in the hall and kicked off my shoes. I hung up my jacket and followed the smell into the kitchen.
"Hey, Dad." I said, sitting on one of the barstools at the counter.
"Hey, bambina." He said smiling at me, "How was your day?"
"Not too bad considering finals are approaching. I got another essay for New Testament." I said, rolling my eyes.
"Does your teacher get excited by the prospect of marking?" he asked, pouring me a glass of orange juice.
I laughed, "I'm not sure. Maybe she just enjoys giving out essays." I took a sip of juice. "Is mom going to be home for dinner tonight?" I asked looking at him.
"I don't know, kid." He said simply, "I just don't know."
As it turned out, mom was home for dinner and we all sat round the table as a family. We all had squash and dad's homemade lasagne. Usually if it was just me and dad, dad would have a glass of wine or two but as mom was a recovering alcoholic, dad didn't drink if she was at home. He had promised her that. Mom was asking about my day when her mobile rang. I rolled my eyes. It was her work again. Sometimes it was like the FBI forgot she had a family. True, at this point it was just me as Amber and James had moved out and had their own families now, but she still had a family. Sometimes, she forgot that too.
Mom looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Jessica, but sometimes work comes first. When you have a job, you'll understand." I looked at Dad and he shrugged at me. Mom went and took the phone outside. I went back to eating my dinner.
15 minutes passed and mom hadn't come back in.
"Must be important." I said, "Doesn't take her more than 7 minutes and 16 seconds to answer a work call."
"You've timed how long your mom is on the phone?"
I shrugged, "I got bored one summer when I was a kid. James and Amber were a lot older than me and didn't play with me so I had to improvise a lot."
Dad smiled at me.
Just then, Mom came back in and I looked at her. Something was wrong. She was pale and clammy. Her eyes were red and puffy like she had been crying. Dad notice it too. He rushed over to her.
"Erin?" He asked, concerned, "Erin, what's wrong?"
She took a deep shaking breath in, "Jason is dead."
My world came crashing down around me. How could Jason be dead? I had seen him the other day, walking around town. I dropped my glass on the table and it smashed sending glass and juice everywhere.
"Jessie?" asked mom, looking at me.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I was just frozen. I didn't know how to react. Should I be sad? Should I be happy? Should I be angry or grieving? The man repeatedly beat me and starved me and raped me all between the ages of 6 and 9 just because I wasn't his daughter and now he was dead. It just didn't make sense to me.
What happened next, happened in a blur. I don't really remember it. Mom told Amber and James and they came round. Jack phoned me to make sure I was ok because his dad had told him what had happened.
The BAU was investigating. Jason had been murdered. Dad told me that the COD was multiple stab wounds to his chest and abdomen. Dad and Mom weren't allowed to be in on the case because they were emotionally involved and were potentially suspects. I was off school for a while. Ashley Seaver, who was quite possibly my best friend in the entire world, came round almost every day and brought me the school work and helped me out with it.
Then one day when I was home alone, Hotch came by the house with Morgan and Gideon. But this wasn't a friendly visit. They were here on official business. Hotch stayed in the front room with me whilst Morgan and Gideon searched the house.
"Aaron?" I asked after a while, "What's going on?"
"I'm sorry Jessica, but we have to include you in our list of suspects and right now, you are our main one."
"Me?" I asked stunned, "Why?"
"Jason repeatedly abused you for 3 years. It's only right that you would feel angry and maybe that anger led you to kill him."
"Hotch. I didn't do this. You know I didn't do this." I told him.
"I know. But I have to do this. You know that."
I nodded. "Where's my mom?" I asked.
"Down at the BAU. We have to consider her too."
"And Dave. I suppose you think he could have done it as well?"
"Why do you think we should suspect Dave?" asked Hotch, amused slightly.
"He's in a relationship with my mom. Jason was the object in the way of his happiness for a number of years. And he was abusing me. He couldn't protect me and some how he feels responsible for that. It would be natural if he didn't want to take Jason out."
"That's a good summary Jessica. You're getting good at this. Yes, we did consider Dave for the murder of Jason but his alibi was rock-solid, he had been in the BAU at the time of the murder. We could all confirm it."
I nodded. Well at least my dad was in the clear.
Morgan came back down.
"There's nothing here Hotch." Said Morgan, "No weapon, no bloody clothes, nothing to tie her to the crime."
"Ok. Where's Gideon?" asked Hotch.
"Let me guess," I said, "He's getting Garcia to go through my computer to check that and he'll look through my diary and personal things to see if he can find anything in there." I said, folding my arms.
"Come on, kid." Said Morgan, coming over to me, "You know we gotta do this. And the sooner we do, the sooner we can clear you."
I nodded to show that I understood.
"Jess, can you come down to the BAU so we can ask you some questions?"
I nodded again. Aaron told Morgan to stay and help Gideon and drove me the BAU offices.
"You don't think that I did this, do you Aaron?" I asked him.
"No. I don't. But I have to follow procedure, Jessie. You'd better prepare yourself. Some of the questions that we are going to ask are going to bring back some bad memories."
"Can you keep my mom away from the room?"
"I can't promise that I can. How much does she know of what happened to you?"
"Enough." I said, looking out the window.
"But not everything?"
I shook my head.
We arrived at the BAU and Hotch took me to one of the interview rooms. I saw Dave and he gave me a quick hug.
"Dave, try and keep Erin away from Interview Room 2." Said Hotch quickly. "You may want to stay away too."
Dave looked confused but then remembered that I was there and understood.
"I can't promise anything Aaron, you know what Strauss is like." He said.
"I know." And Hotch led me into the room.
The room was dimly lit and designed to intimidate whoever was in there. Hotch left me for a bit and I wandered around the room. I walked up the mirror at the back of the room. I knew Mom would be behind the glass so I smiled bravely and waved. I then went and sat down at the table.
"Erin?" said Dave behind the glass, "We've been advised to stay away from here."
"Since when did you listen to advice?" She looked at her partner and smiled. Dave put his hand around Erin's shoulders and held her close, both of their eyes on Jessie.
Hotch came back in with Savannah Morgan, Derek's wife.
"Hey, Jess." She said smiling, putting her folder down on the desk.
I smiled at her.
"Shall we get started?" asked Hotch.
I nodded.
"How would you describe your relationship with Jason Strauss?" he asked.
"Estranged. Mom moved us to the other side of D.C when I was nine. I haven't seen him since." I said, calmly.
"Why did your mother decide to move you out of the family home, months before she moved your older siblings?" asked Hotch.
I looked at him, it was an odd question. "Because she found out that Jason had been abusing me. She wanted to keep me safe."
"So Jason abused you, but not Amber or James?"
I nodded.
"I have to ask this question," said Hotch, looking straight at the window. He was talking to Mom and Dave. On the other side of the glass, Dave felt Erin stiffen slightly. He squeezed her shoulders gently and kissed her on the forehead. "What exactly did Jason do to you?"
I froze, looking from Hotch to Savannah.
"Jessica, you are the main suspect in your stepfather's murder. You need to tell me what he did to you." Hotch said, severely.
"It won't go beyond us. I promised." Said Savannah.
I took a deep breath. My mom was by all means listening to this and I hadn't told her everything. I had put everything behind me long ago and learnt to live with it. I was stable. I was coping.
Dave noticed a change in my body language. He looked at Strauss.
"Erin?" he asked, "Are you sure you want to be here?"
"That's my baby in there. I'm staying."
Dave just nodded.
Back in the interview room, I began my tale.
"It started when I was 6. We had been on holiday in Florida and I changed. Physically. Jason twigged that I wasn't his kid and that mom had had an affair so he started beating on me. For a while I fought back. I screamed and cried and put up a fight."
"Wasn't anyone in the house?" asked Savannah, clearly shocked that my mom would watch something like this happen to her child.
I shook my head, "He always made sure it was just us."
Savannah nodded. I carried on, "I have a scar on my head from where he hit me with something. I don't know what though. I blacked out. He would lock me in the spare room occasionally and tell mom that I had gone on a sleepover."
"Would he do anything to you when you were in the spare room?" asked Hotch.
"Nothing other than starve me." I said.
"Did he ever abuse you sexually?" he asked.
I looked down at my hands.
"Jess?" Savannah looked at me gently and held my hands.
I nodded.
"When did it start?" asked Hotch, going grey at the thought of a 6 year old being sexually abused.
Outside the room, Erin had put her hand to the glass, tears falling down her face. Dave was holding her tight. He looked around and Jack was stood there.
"Jack, what are you doing here?" he asked stunned.
"I need to be here, Uncle Dave." He said, "Don't tell me to go. If that was Erin, you'd want to be here, supporting her."
Dave just nodded and let him stay.
Back in the room, Hotch looked at me.
"After a while, I learnt not to fight back so much. I didn't cry or scream when he hit me or kick me. I sat quietly in the locked room. I didn't give him the satisfaction that he was in control of me."
"So he had to find a new way of getting a reaction out of you."
I nodded. "I was asleep one night. Mom was working late, Amber and Jason were out doing things. Jason had probably got them to leave. He came into my room and he began to touch me."
"It's ok Jess." Said Savannah.
I took a deep breath. "That was all it was for a while. He would just come and touch me up. It was like he was getting the courage to do what happened next."
"What happened next?" asked Hotch.
"He raped me." I said bluntly. "A few weeks after he had first come into my room, he raped me." I was shaking. "But I never showed him fear. I kept quiet. That way it ended quicker. Mom found out and moved me away. A few months later, she moved James and Amber in with us."
"Did anything happen after you moved?" asked Hotch.
I looked at him, "My mom doesn't know." I said.
Hotch's eyes glanced to the mirror. Dave looked at Erin. She froze. Jack looked at the pair of them.
"What did he do?" asked Hotch.
"I was 12. He found where we were staying. Mom had only just started seeing David Rossi. She was at work, Amber and James were out of the house and I was in bed. The next thing I knew, there was a hand over my mouth and he was tying my hands to the bed post. He raped me repeatedly. Over and over again. When he wasn't raping me he was cutting me with a knife. When he had gone I showered and washed the sheets so that mom wouldn't find out. I had to wear long-sleeved tops and hoodies for weeks."
Erin was sobbing quietly. Dave was crying too. He knew when that was because he had tried to persuade Erin to stay at home. He could have been there to stop that happening. But he hadn't been there. Jack looked like he was ready to run into her. His hand was up against the window.
Hotch coughed, trying to compose himself. "Why didn't you want your mom to know Jessie?"
I didn't say anything.
"Jessie?" asked Savannah, "It's ok. You can tell us. Ok I know that this must be hard for you but we got to know."
"He got you pregnant didn't he?" Hotch asked suddenly.
Erin stopped crying to look at her daughter. Tears had started to fall down my face now. I looked pleadingly at Hotch.
"Jessie, we need to know." He said.
I nodded. "I miscarried it at 14 weeks. Mom didn't know. The only people who knew were myself, my best friend, Ashley Seaver and her mom."
Someone screamed from behind the mirror. Hotch and Savannah looked up. They got up and left the room. I sat at the desk with my head in my hands and I cried. All these years I had tried to keep the fact that I had been pregnant a secret from Mom, from Dave, from anyone. They didn't need to know and the fact that I had lost it served testament to that.
Outside Hotch met Mom and Dave and Jack. (Jack was the only person that I didn't know would be there). Dave and Mom looked like they were trying to get into see me. Savanah had gone off to make a call.
"Dave. Erin." Hotch looked at them, "I did tell you to stay away." He hadn't seen Jack.
"Is she ok?" asked Dave, Mom just stayed silent.
"She's emotionally scarred and we just brought all of it to the front of her memory again." Hotch paused. "I was not expecting that at all." He added quietly.
Dave patted Aaron on the arm, "I think it's safe to say that none of us were." And he smiled a little.
"Is she going to be ok?" Jack asked, breaking the short silence.
"Jack?" asked Hotch, surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to be with Jessie." He said simply, "Will she be ok?"
Hotch nodded, "She's a very strong person. And she has you. I think she'll be fine."
Jack nodded. Dave looked at him and patted his shoulder.
"Take Erin and get a hot drink. She looks like she needs one." Hotch said.
Dave nodded and took Mom away. Jack went to the screen again.
"You realise you're going to have to stick by her now. Regardless of what you've heard." Said Aaron before he came back in. Jack just nodded, eyes back on me.
Hotch came in and I looked up.
"What was all of that for?" asked Jessie. "What does it prove? That I hated and resented the man so what, I waited until 5 years later and killed him? Come on Aaron, you know it doesn't make sense."
"I know. And like I said, I know you didn't do it." He said quietly. He then looked directly at me and said, "Where were you on the evening of the 13 April?"
"I was at your house with Jack. Do you really want to know what we were doing?" I said, smiling a little.
"No. It's ok Jessie." He said smiling too. "Do you have any idea who would wish your stepfather harm?"
I thought for a while before shaking my head. "I didn't know him very well. He never told me anything."
Hotch nodded. "Thanks Jessie. You're in the clear." And he left the room.
I sat for a minute. I wasn't a suspect anymore. As I got up to go, Jack came in the room.
"Jack?" I asked surprised, "What are you doing here?"
"Isn't it obvious Jess?" He asked walking over to me and crouching down so that he could look up at me. "I came to be here for you. I came to make sure that you knew that someone was waiting for you. That there was light at the end of the tunnel."
"How much did you hear?" I said closing my eyes and looking away.
Jack put his hand to my face and pulled it back to face him. I opened my eyes.
"Hey." He said, looking right into my eyes, "Don't do that Jessie. Don't shut me out. I know it's the easiest thing to do right now but I'm not going anywhere. Do you hear me? I don't care how dark and twisted you are inside. I don't care that our future will be rocky and difficult. I will always be here for you and I will never ever leave you. Do you hear me Jessie?"
I nodded silently and hugged him tightly. "Thank you." I said into his shoulder. Jack just nodded.
I walked out of the interview room hand in hand with Jack. We made our way to the bullpen area. Derek and Gideon were back and were sat talking at a desk. They both looked up as we walked passed. I felt my face go bright red. How much had word got round? It would have been easy to sit and watch the interview. Some of the agents already knew bit of my past. Jack let go of my hand and put his arm round my shoulder and squeezed it tight. We continued to walk through the bullpen. Elle, Tara and Savannah were all stood in a huddle talking quietly. Savannah gave me a small smile as we walked up the ramp towards the conference room. Jack left me to go into his father's office but he gave me a quick kiss before he left. I gave him a small smile and walked down towards dad's office. Mom was sat on the sofa, a mug of coffee in her hand. Dad was sat beside her with one hand on her back, on hand on her leg. I knocked on the door. Dad looked up quickly followed by mom.
"Jessie!" she gasped and- putting her mug on the floor- got up, crossed the room and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back, sobbing into her shoulder. We stayed like that for a long time. Finally we pulled apart and mom wiped the tears from my face.
"Hey kiddo." Said Dad, smiling. He ruffled my hair.
"Hey Dad." I said, smiling back.
"Jessie, why didn't you tell me what happened?" She said, looking at me, "I could have helped, I could have been there for you. I could have had him put away."
"I know, mom, I know." I said, going and sitting on the couch. "I don't know why I didn't tell you. I thought that you would be angry at me or disappointed."
"Jessica Joy Montgomery Rossi, when have I ever been mad at you for anything? Let alone disappointed. I knew that you wouldn't have gotten pregnant deliberately not a 12. You had no boyfriend and weren't sexually active. I could have helped baby. I knew what he had done to you before. I knew what he was capable of. You just had to talk to me."
"I hate profilers, you know that don't you?" I said smiling at them.
Mom smiled at me.
"Just promise me that if anything like this happens again, you will tell me or Dave." She said, holding my shoulders and looking at me dead in the eye.
"I promise."
Mom nodded at me, smiling. Just then there was a knock on the door.
"Come in!" said Dad.
In walked Hotch and Jack. Jack came straight over to me and hugged me tightly. I smiled at him as he pulled away and gave him a quick kiss.
"Erin." Said Hotch. "Interview room, 5 minutes." And he left the room.
"Wait." I said, "They haven't cleared you yet?"
"Hey, Jessie, it's fine. Your mom will be fine." Said Dad coming over to me quickly. "It's routine. They have to ask her some questions."
I nodded. "I'm coming with you."
Mom looked at Dad.
"She like you Erin. Nothing you say will change her mind."
Mom smiled and left the room.
"I'll see you down there kiddo." Dad said, kissing my forehead and following mom out the door.
I looked at Jack. "You should get back to school." I said. Jack opened his mouth to argue. "I'm not being stubborn. I'm not shutting you out. I just don't want you to get into trouble for me." I looked at him. "Go!" I said, pushing his shoulder playfully and laughing, "I'll be fine. I'll phone you tonight." I kissed him and left the room.
I almost ran back through the bullpen. This time the stares and the whispers didn't bother me. All I wanted to do was support my mom. I reached the interview room and stood next to Dave. Morgan and Gideon where there too.
"Did they clear you?" Morgan asked automatically.
I nodded, smiling. Morgan hugged me quickly. "I told you kid."
I turned my attention back to mom.
"Erin, when you left your husband, was there any tension or ill feeling?"
"He was angry at me. He felt like I had betrayed him, walked out on him. That kind of thing." She answered coolly.
"And when you found out what happened to Jessica, what was your reaction?"
"I was angry, any parent would be."
"Did you ever lash out at him?"
"I yelled at him but I never ever hit him. Not once."
"Erin, the person who killed your husband displayed a lot of rage. The M.E counted 52 stab wounds to the upper chest and abdomen and 15 around his genitals. Do you know of anyone with a grudge against him?
Mom shook her head. I looked at Dad.
"Do we know if Jason abused anyone else?" I asked.
Dad looked strangely at me, "What makes you think that he abused anyone else?"
"The stab wounds to his genitals. Either the UnSub is incompetent and took his rage out on Jason or they're another victim and they were getting revenge on Jason for what he did."
Dad looked at me again. "You're a good profiler Jessie!"
"Learnt from the best!" I said smiling.
Dad knocked on the glass.
Hotch looked up and came out to meet us.
"Jessie may be on to something Hotch."
He looked at me, "What are you thinking?"
"The stab wounds to his genitals. That's pretty specific. I was thinking that either the guy that did this is sexually incompetent and felt anger towards Jason."
"But…"
"But the amount of rage is too extreme for a one time offender and we would have seen another murder by now. I think that the UnSub is another victim of Jason's and they were seeking revenge."
Hotch looked at me. "But that would mean…"
I nodded, "Our UnSub is a woman."
Hotch gathered the team- including myself, Mom and Dad- in the BAU room. He told them what I had told him and told them the profile. We then went to deliver it to the agents outside.
"The person we are looking for is a female in her late teens to early twenties." Hotch began. "We believe that she is a victim of abuse by this man, Jason Strauss."
"She will be pretty yet quiet and withdrawn from her social groups and friends, so look at students who were heavily involved in school life and have suddenly dropped out." Said Morgan.
"Look for girls who wear a lot of long-sleeved jumpers and hoodies." I added, "She maybe covering up scars that she got as a result of her abuse. She isn't suicidal, she will just be ashamed of what happened to her and will definitely feel dirty."
"She will be local to D.C. Jason lived in Bethesda all his life and we have no reason to assume that he moved out of his comfort zone. So look at colleges and high schools in that area and talk to girls who fit the profile." Said Morgan.
"But be gentle in the way that you speak to her. She is fragile and may be mentally unstable." Added Savannah. "Do not be judgemental. This girl has been to hell and back and survived. Empathise. Sympathise. Be understanding."
"That's everything." Said Hotch and the agents filed out.
"So now what?" I asked.
"Now we wait." Hotch said.
There were 3 girls who matched the profile the team came up with; Amelia Grey, Mona Lisben and Tabatha Grimm. They were all brought in for questioning. I felt for them, I really did. I didn't condone what they may have done but I had been in their position and felt what they had felt. That complete lack of control, the seemingly endless pit of hopelessness and the sense that this would never end. But it did. I was lucky. I was able to get on with my life. Yes- I was still scarred and occasionally had nightmares or flashbacks but I had a great support system. Maybe these girls didn't and that's what led one of them to kill the guy who had ruined their lives. They split up to interview the girls. Hotch and Morgan took Mona, Dad and Mom interviewed Amelia and Hotch and Savannah took Tabatha. Spence took me for lunch.
When we came back, they had cracked it. Tabatha had killed him. She was his latest victim and the abuse was still on going. He had taken her to his place and was tidying up the living room when she grabbed a knife off the kitchen side and stabbed him. She said she couldn't remember the stabbing but saw the blood and the body and began to tidy up. She covered the body and left the house.
Hotch told me afterwards that if she pleaded insanity she wouldn't have to go to prison but would probably remain in a mental institute for the rest of her life. I nodded. The case was finally over. Jason was dead. He couldn't hurt me anymore. I smiled, thanked Hotch and went to find my parents. They were in the round table room with Spencer, Derek, Savannah, Gideon, Elle, Tara and Penelope. I smiled as I walked in.
"Hey Jessie." Smiled Elle.
"Hey" I replied, "It's over. They got her."
"We know." Said mom, hugging me tightly.
I smiled into her shoulder. "I never asked once but are you ok?"
"Course I am. I was a bit shocked at first but I understand why you didn't tell anyone and I want you to know that I am here for you know."
"It's not your fault." I said looking at her and then Dad. "Neither of you. I know what you are both like and you will blame yourselves. But you can't, ok? Jason was a sick bastard and he got what he deserved. What happened to me was out of our hands and had nothing to do with you."
Mom and Dad didn't say anything.
"She's right." Said Gideon.
Mom stared reproachfully at him. "Just promise me you're ok?"
I looked at her and Dad. "I promise." I said hugging her tightly. Dad joined the hug.
"Whose hungry?" asked Spence and we all laughed.
"I'll cook." Said Dad. I smiled at everyone. At the end of everything, I had a family right here. Who needs more than that?
THE END.