Sometimes I want to forget.
It would be nice if I could forget everything that has happened to me, but that's wishful thinking. Who am I kidding? I could never forget the way Johnny looked as his burned body drew in it's last breath, or when I saw Mom's sweet face for the last time, it was cut up and bruised from having windshield glass hit her in the face.
Sleep is the only relief I get, that is if the nightmares don't come for me. There are the nights when I wake up, sweating, shaking, scared about something that I can't even remember. It's embarrassing that I'm still having nightmares when I'm almost fifteen. The only way I'm able to get any sleep is to bury deeper under Soda's arm and pray that sleep washes over me soon.
Being able to sleep a full night is a blessing. It happens every now and then. When I wake up, my head still foggy with sleep, there's a brief moment where I don't remember everything that has happened. It's a split second of pure bliss, before my tidal wave of memories come rushing back to drown me. Most days I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
There's so much I miss. I miss my Mom, and the soft, gentle way she had about her. When I was sick, she would gingerly brush my hair back and use her lips on my forehead to judge what my temperature was. She would make me homemade chicken soup with the small noodles that I liked. Darry made it for me once, but it just wasn't the same.
I miss my Dad, and how hardworking and humble he was. Even after working a ten hour shift, he would come home and toss the football around with us, or help us with our homework if it was too late to play.
I miss Johnny. I have other friends at school, but I won't ever find a buddy as good as Johnny. I wish for just one more day where we could watch the stars or sunsets together. I could tell him anything and everything, and he would listen to me without judgement. That's a real buddy.
I miss Dallas. I wish he could be part of our gang again. It's really not the same without him. He may have been wild and dangerous, but he was loyal and protective, and that's a hard thing to find in a person.
I was still thinking about it, as my math homework sat in front of me. I had finished solving the problems a while ago, but I sat here, getting caught up in my own head.
Darry poked his head in my room, still dressed in his work shirt and jeans. "How's the homework coming along?"
"It's fine. I'm done."
"Oh yeah? How about I double check it for you?"
"If you're not too tired." I handed him my work as he took a seat on the corner of my bed. He studied it for a few minutes before handing it back. "Looks good to me. I'm really happy you're making improvements in math. I'm proud of you. Soda's done with dinner, so take a break from your homework and come eat with us."
I smiled as he walked out the door. Darry's always been better at math than me. He hasn't been so strict with me lately, which I greatly appreciate. I feel so stupid to think that there was a time when I thought that Darry didn't love me.
Soda was serving something onto our plates when I came into the kitchen.
"What's for dinner tonight?" I asked.
"Meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Soda answered. We didn't bother making vegetables with dinner anymore, which Mom would hate. We used to make a vegetable for the first few weeks after Mom and Dad died, but none of us ate it. We just made it because it was what Mom would have done. We wanted a little normalcy in our lives after everything was turned upside down.
I took a bite of Soda's meatloaf. "Not bad." Soda was surprisingly the best cook in the family, even if he did make things too sweet or dye food weird colors. The meatloaf was maybe, maybe as good as Mom's.
After dinner was done, Darry and I cleaned up since Soda cooked. That was our rule that was never broken. I finished drying the last plate and headed to my room.
"What's going on?" Soda asked me.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing, really."
"You seem quiet today, that's all. I hope you'll tell me if something's bugging you."
I picked up my copy of Gone With the Wind. It will always be one of my favorites. Johnny's letter to me was still stuck in between the pages. I'll never move it.
"You're reading that again?" Soda piped up. "Is it really that good that you need to read it again and again and again and again.."
He stopped when I whipped him in the knee with a shirt. "I like it. It's comforting to me."
"I know, Pony. I was just teasing you. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine." I headed down the hall and sat down in Dad's old recliner. Darry didn't mind if I used it, after all it was the most comfortable chair for reading in. Darry had driven me to the library yesterday, so I had a stack of books that I couldn't wait to read.
I loved how reading took my mind off things. I was transported into the world of my book. I read until I was halfway done with my book and felt my eyelids drooping. I haven't been sleeping all that well lately. There was too much on my mind I guess.
I flopped down in bed, where Soda was already laying with the lights off. "You're turning in early," I told him.
"I have to get up at six in the morning. The boss has got me working the morning shift all week." He rolled over and slung his arm around me, like he always does. "How about you and me go to the movies this weekend?"
"You don't like movies."
"I do if they have enough action. Why don't you pick out one that I'll like?"
"Yeah, alright." At least I had something to look forward to this weekend.
I waited until Soda's breathing became even and slow, until I whispered, "goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad."
"What was that?" Soda mumbled sleepily. "Did you say something?"
I almost said no, but my I changed my mind at the last second. I could never lie to Soda. "I miss Mom. And Dad, and Johnny, and Dallas."
Soda sighed. "I knew that was what's bothering you. I do too Pony. It seems like I miss 'em more and more each day. God, you were so young when we lost Mom and Dad."
"You were young when we lost them too."
"I know, but you were only thirteen. At least I had more time with them."
I rubbed at my eyes with the palms of my hands. "I just want to forget about everything. Sometimes it's too much to deal with. I'm feeling overwhelmed."
"But then you wouldn't remember the good times we had. Remember the time when we played Monopoly for the first time and you and Dad teamed up to beat Darry? Boy, was he mad when he lost. I thought he was going to throw the board at you. Or the time when we all played hide and seek and we couldn't find Johnny for an hour? Who knew he could wedge himself underneath the shelf in the laundry room closet? He was always the best at hiding."
I felt a small smile tugging at my lips. "Yeah, that was sure funny. I thought he was lost."
"I know it's tough Pony, but try to remember the good times, the funny times. That's what I do when I feel down. You got your whole life ahead of you Pony. You're gonna go to college with so many scholarships, meet the perfect girl, maybe have a few kids. Keep thinking about that, okay?"
For the first time all day, I felt a little bit lighter. Maybe remembering wasn't so bad after all.
A/N: Hello everyone! I am so, so sorry for my two-year hiatus! My love for the greasers never faded, and I had some sudden inspiration and wanted to write this one shot! I can't promise that I'll update constantly, but I will definitely try to post a one shot at least once a month!
Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders. I just borrow them from time to time.