Frederick often suffered through nightmares where he tossed and turned and sweated through his clothes. He dreamt of Hannibal, of waking up covered in blood, of maimed bodies in his gore-soaked kitchen, of a scalpel slicing up his abdomen and hands inside, constantly searching. He frequently woke up gasping for air, shaking as the cold air wrapped around his sweat-covered skin, but he knew none of it compared to what Will Graham experienced most nights.
The screams that tore from him echoed their way up the stairs to the guest room that Frederick occupied. More often than not, they woke Frederick from his sleep and he would lay there and listen, drawing the covers around him up to his chin, willing him to stop. He didn't wish for it because he wanted to go back to sleep—he had grown to hate it—it was because he could feel Will's pain in the anguished sound and he didn't know what to do about it.
He could only keep it inside, right next to his own, feeling a sense of guilt bubbling up whenever he saw Will's face in the daylight because he knew the truth and did nothing about it. He tried to ease the guilt by thinking that there was nothing he could do. Frederick was only a guest in Will's home, a refugee meant to stay out of the way and keep his mouth shut, but a small spark of something buried under layers of darkness nagged at him that he could probably help in some way. He just didn't feel it was his place, like he had no right even though Will's pain was eating away at both of them.
Rather than confront how he felt, he'd taken to locking himself in his room, only leaving to grab something to eat and use the bathroom when he absolutely needed to. Every time he saw Will's face started to feel like a knife jabbing into his gut to the point where he just couldn't look at him anymore because if he did, he just heard those screams. He thought the arrangement suited both of them just fine, knowing that Will didn't want him around anyway, but at night he was just reminded of it all over again.
One morning, he emerged from his room as he heard Will getting ready to leave for work. He rushed down the steps, reaching the bottom just as Will was opening the door.
"Will, wait," he said a little breathlessly as he stumbled to a stop in the living room.
Will hesitated and turned toward him, one hand on the open door as the dogs all ran out. "What is it?"
Frederick hesitated, biting his lip. "I was wondering if you could purchase something for me since I can't leave this house," he said, his voice shaking a little.
Will sighed, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. "Tell me what it is and I'll see what I can do."
"Just some, um, earplugs," Frederick said, looking down at his hands as he clasped them tightly together. "I'm having trouble sleeping."
He looked up into Will's blue eyes and he saw that he knew. Will knew that Frederick had been hearing his screams and had done nothing but listen. Frederick had to look away because the guilt he felt was almost unbearable. As he stared at the floor, he heard Will leave without a word, pulling the door shut behind him. Then the silence of the empty house settled over him, leaving him alone with his thoughts, and he wasn't sure which was worse.
In another time or another string of events, he might not have felt so much empathy toward Will, but he did and he hated it. He only wanted to remain safe, to be hidden from Hannibal and the FBI, and the feelings he was having only complicated that. Still, he spent the long day worrying that he'd offended Will, or possibly hurt him, and that he might just ignore his request. He supposed he understood if that happened, but he wasn't sure how many more nights his sanity could handle.
A few hours after the sun had set, Will finally returned home. Frederick was shut in his room after having let the dogs out and back in to do their business and he heard Will crash into the house. He felt a panic rise up, wondering what was going to happen, when he heard his heavy footsteps climbing the stairs. His heart hammered in his chest and he swallowed hard, imagining all sorts of scenarios, but his mind turned blank when Will knocked on the door.
"Come in," Frederick said softly as he closed the laptop in front of him.
The door slowly opened and Will stood there, his expression unreadable. "I picked these up," he said as he tossed a small plastic bag at Frederick.
Frederick reached out to grab it, but he fumbled the catch and it dropped from his hands to the bed. His cheeks flushed as he picked it up, looking at the package of foam earplugs. He glanced up at Will but couldn't stand to look him in the face for more than a second. "Thank you."
Will made a noise in acknowledgement. "Sleep well," he said as he left, closing the door behind him.
He crumpled the plastic package up in his fist as he lay back on the bed, staring up at the spotlight on the ceiling coming from the only lamp in the room. It acted as a target that he couldn't move his eyes away from, a single spot of light on a darkened canvas. Without looking down at his hands, he carefully opened the package and pulled out two of the earplugs before glancing over at the nightstand for a moment to set the rest of them down.
His sight drifted back to the spot on the ceiling as he inserted the plugs in his ears, blocking out all sound, not that there was much to begin with. Still, the idea that he couldn't hear anything but his own thoughts was a comfort, even though the thoughts he had were far from comfortable. He thought about what Will was possibly doing in that moment and how he would be suffering later on, how he was doing nothing but his best to ignore it all. It left a bad feeling in his gut that he couldn't shake.
With a sigh, he rolled onto his side before moving the laptop under the bed. He didn't feel tired, but he didn't exactly want to be awake either, so he reached out and turned off the lamp, a part of him feeling undeserving of the small relief it provided. He lay in the darkness on top of the bed covers, his eyes closed and breathing even, until he finally fell asleep.
He slept easily, a rare good night, until an echoing shout startled him from it. At first he thought he'd imagined it as he blinked away the daze of sleep, but it happened again, chilling him, and he realized one of the earplugs had fallen out. He sat up in bed, groping around for the missing plug with no luck. He turned on the light but that didn't help much as the shouts and nightmares continued. Frederick removed the other plug and rubbed his eyes, feeling an ache burning in his chest.
It hurt and he hated it and he just couldn't take it anymore. Without thinking, he stood up and marched down the steps, but when he actually reached the living room, he regretted the action. He didn't know what he thought he was going to do and ended up just standing there, watching him. A creeping uncomfortable feeling settled over him and he turned to leave when he heard Will stop tossing in his sleep. A low groan left his lips and Frederick froze.
"Hm? Frederick?" he said, propping himself up on his elbow.
"No, I mean, I was—You were… shouting…" Frederick said, wishing that he could run away, that he'd never walked down the steps at all.
Will grunted. "Sorry for waking you then. If I could make a suggestion, you might get a better night's sleep in jail. Far away from me," he snapped, kicking the covers off of him as he turned over.
"I—I wasn't…" Frederick said, his tongue and mind tripping over words.
"Go back to your room or I'm calling Jack," Will said tiredly. "I'll look for some better earplugs tomorrow."
Frederick frowned, knowing that nothing he said would help his situation, so he turned and left. He shut the door behind him and flopped down on the bed, not bothering to shut the light off or put a new pair of earplugs in. When he fell back asleep, he fell into the nightmares, tossing and turning and whimpering, and when he woke up as the sun rose, he felt like he deserved it. He almost thought that he'd rather turn himself in than continue on like he was, but that was a joke. He didn't want to go to jail and he knew he wouldn't survive there.
However, he might as well have been in jail as confined to his room as he felt. He couldn't bear to leave his room for breakfast until Will had left for work. He wasn't sure if he could bear to see him ever again. So, when Will returned home, Frederick bolted from his spot in a chair in the living room, startling some of the dogs, and shut himself in before Will even reached the front door. He waited, sitting on the bed, as he heard Will climb the steps to the second floor and knock on his door.
"Please, go away," Frederick said, both a little too loudly and quickly.
Silence hung over him for a few moments. "I'll just leave this here then," he said, his voice soft and unsure. "…Sorry about what I said last night."
Frederick opened his mouth to respond, but Will was already walking away. He waited until he was sure that he'd gone back down the stairs before he quietly opened the door. On the floor just outside was a plastic shopping bag with more expensive earplugs, sleep aid medication, and a CD of supposedly soothing sounds to fall asleep to. Frederick brought the bag inside and set it on his bed, feeling even guiltier than before.
He didn't bother taking anything out of its packaging because he didn't plan on sleeping that night. Instead, he spent his time building up his resolve to actually do something, to help ease Will's pain for the both of them. He lay on his bed, trying to think of what he could possibly do, when it hit him. It was something his mother used to do for him when he had night terrors as a child. Once he heard Will start to lapse into the nightmares, he picked up his laptop and walked down the steps, settling into one of the chairs in the living room.
"Um, so, I wasn't really sure what to do to help you," Frederick said in a soft tone, "but my mother would read to me when I was younger and just her voice was calming in a way so I thought that might help here?"
He paused, listening to Will's suffering for a moment before he opened his laptop, its soft glow illuminating his face. "I didn't think a children's story would necessarily be appropriate, but I also don't have any novels. I do have a few articles from psychiatric journals… Anyway, I think the point is a soothing tone and not the words."
The pitiful noises Will was making eased slightly in the break Frederick took to open one of the PDF documents. He quietly cleared his throat and started reading an article on progressive depression treatments, pausing every once in a while to see if it was having any effect. After a half hour of reading, he noticed that Will had calmed down, his breathing even and his body still.
Frederick closed his laptop as some of the ache in his chest eased away. As quietly as possible, he climbed the steps and returned to his room, sleeping easily and peacefully for the rest of the night without the use of anything Will bought for him.
The next morning, he was able to face Will again, which was good since it was the weekend and he would've had to hide in his room and forgo all of his meals. Will didn't give any indication all day that he knew what Frederick had done, which made Frederick feel a lot more at ease. He wasn't sure what he would've said or done if Will had been conscious as he read to him.
He noticed that Will seemed in a better mood that day as he spoke pleasantly with Frederick and even made dinner for the both of them. That night, he waited and read to him again, soothing him away from his nightmares to a calm, peaceful sleep. He continued on like that each night he needed to over the next week, finding that he was also sleeping better, the weight in his chest growing lighter with time. He was starting to think that he might've cured his own problems until the nightmares returned to him after several days of peace.
He felt the sweat start to form and bead on his skin even within his dream where he was waking up covered in blood. He felt restless and nervous and terrified. Even though a part of him was aware that he was dreaming, he couldn't force himself to wake up, so he was doomed to play out the entire grizzly memory. The haze of his mind caused his in-dream movements to feel like he was walking through molasses toward his kitchen following a blood trail. His heart was racing, knowing exactly what he was going to walk into but he couldn't stop himself. Just as he reached the open doorway, his heart hammering against his ribs, a soft voice grabbed his attention and pulled him away.
Frederick groaned, his eyes fluttering open as he slowly regained consciousness. The first tangible thing that he registered, that he latched onto, was the calming voice of Will. The words didn't even make sense for the first few minutes that he tried to pull himself together, it was just the sound that wrapped around him. When he opened his eyes completely, Will's form shifted into focus, sitting at the side of his bed in a folding metal chair with an old paperback open in his hands.
"Will?" Frederick said as he rubbed his eyes.
"Oh, um, I didn't intend to wake you…" he said trailing off as he closed the book.
"What are you…? Oh," Frederick said as everything finally registered. "You knew…"
"Uh, yeah. You've been helping me so I thought I'd try and return the favor," Will said, staring down at the book in his hands. He glanced up briefly, scanning Frederick's face before looking back down again. "I appreciate what you've been doing."
A hot flush rushed to Frederick's cheeks as he laid his head back on the pillow and tried to cover his face with one of his hands. "I'm sorry, you were never supposed to be awake for any of that," he said, his voice slightly muffled.
"Frederick, I don't think you're listening," Will said, sounding concerned.
Frederick moved his hand away from his face and looked up at Will, reading the slight lines at the edges of his eyes and the circles under them that weren't quite as dark as they used to be. He sat up in the bed, fidgeting a little with his hands. "I just… couldn't stand to listen to you suffer anymore. It was making living here far more difficult that it should've been."
"Well, no matter your motives, I appreciate it all the same. It's something I never expected from you. A pleasant surprise," Will said with a small smile before he stood up. "I guess I'll let you sleep… unless you'd rather I stay. I don't think I'll be getting any sleep myself tonight."
"Why not?" Frederick said.
"Too much on my mind," he said, sitting down on the edge of Frederick's bed.
"In that case, I wouldn't say no if you chose to read a few more pages," Frederick said, glancing from Will's eyes to his hands in his lap as he nervously picked at his nails.
Will smiled at him as he moved back on the bed, propping up one of the pillows so he could comfortably lean back against the headboard. He opened the book to where he left off, reading in a tone that left Frederick with the ghost of the feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold night with a cup of steaming tea. He lay down and closed his eyes, listening to the sound of his voice rather than the words as if his deep, calm tone were like a lullaby.
Sleep consumed him quickly, in part due to the warmth of another body lying beside him, something he hadn't experienced in many years. He didn't dream, which was okay by him, but when he woke up, he thought he was dreaming for the first few moments. He found his head resting on Will's shoulder and his arm draped across his waist as the paperback Will had been reading from was open on his lap as though he'd fallen asleep mid-sentence.
He froze when he realized the compromising position he was in, trying to figure out what he should do, when an arm around his back decided for him by pulling him closer to Will. Will moved his head to the side, resting his cheek on top of Frederick's hair as Frederick grabbed a fistful of Will's shirt. He held on tightly, relaxing into Will's hold enough that he could've fallen back to sleep if he'd wanted. He wasn't sure how long they'd been laying there before Will finally started to stir, shifting slightly to turn his body toward Frederick before he opened his eyes.
"Good morning," he said tiredly as he barely registered how they were tangled up together, or perhaps he just didn't care.
"Morning," Frederick said, trying to sound like he'd just woken up as well and not as nervous as he felt.
He feared that Will would reject him, remove himself from the bed and never want to see him again. Instead, he felt Will's hand against the side of his head, fingers brushing gently through his hair, lulling Frederick away from his anxiety and into a dazed, peaceful state.
"I guess just being around you helps me fall asleep now," Will said with a laugh. "I can see that coming in handy."
"Glad to be of service," Frederick mumbled, burying his face in the crook of Will's neck, inhaling the faint scent of his cheap aftershave as well as a stronger, earthy scent. He felt the strong urge to kiss the spot where he could feel Will's pulse pounding, but he knew that was pushing his boundaries.
"Do you want some breakfast?" Will said, still stroking Frederick's hair.
"Mm, that sounds good," he said, not really feeling hungry but was in a position where he would've agreed to just about anything Will said.
Will moved, detaching himself from Frederick, and Frederick let him go even though he really didn't want him to. "I'll go do that then," he said with a shy-looking smile as he glanced at Frederick, looking directly in his eyes for a brief moment.
Frederick's heart fluttered, his stomach churned, as he watched Will leave the room. Once he was alone, he quickly showered and dressed, meeting Will downstairs not long after he finished cooking a vegan breakfast for both of them. They spent the day together, watching TV, reading, eating meals, unlike the rest of the time they'd been cohabitating where they simply existed in each other's space. Still, after the night they had together, it didn't feel like enough to Frederick. It wasn't what he wanted.
He held his tongue about it, not wanting to push Will away or ruin what had been built. When night fell, he stood up from one of the living room chairs, heading toward the stairs to his room, but a hand around his wrist stopped him. He turned back to look at Will who stared at him with a confused expression.
"Where are you going?" he said, keeping his hold on Frederick's wrist.
"Um, bed?" Frederick said, feeling completely lost.
"Stay here," Will said, his voice barely above a whisper, "so we can both get some sleep."
He reached up with his free hand and held the side of Frederick's face, pulling him closer until their lips met. It felt soft and tender and made Frederick's stomach do flips until he felt sick and he loved every moment. When he pulled away, Will led him over to his bed and let his wrist go before walking around to the other side. Frederick watched him from across the bed as he removed his plaid shirt and jeans before climbing under the covers. A light blush painted his face as he moved to join him, unbuttoning his light blue shirt and pulling off his black slacks as Will watched him intently with dark eyes.
As soon as he climbed in under the blankets, Will hooked an arm around him and pulled him close. Frederick nestled in next to him, laying his head on Will's chest as Will ran a hand up and down his arm from shoulder to elbow, lightly brushing the skin, sending electric chills through him. He could hear Will's heart beat just a little too fast, much like his own, setting him a little more at ease. In that moment, they didn't need words for comfort. They just needed the closeness and warmth of each other as they both slept without nightmares.