The Ride Home
They won. Mission accomplished. The group had erupted in cheers and hugs. Finn was standing right next to Rachel, to turn and hug her first was his instinctual reaction. He wanted to cry, hugging her sent waves of relief through his body. He exhaled and just held her for a minute. It was her, she had won this for them. Saving the day with that great song about parades, holding his eye while they sang, giving him the confidence to keep going, to be the leader that he knew he knew he could be.
Finn: We did it.
Rachel: You were the missing piece Finn, you belonged here. It wasn't right without you.
The cheering, hugging group stood behind her, their jumping and squealing and high-fiving seemed to blur into the background. There she was making him forget about everything. As she pulled away, she gave him a blinding smiles.
Rachel turned and hugged Kurt, who was standing right behind her. They all looked so happy. Then he saw Quinn, she was looking right at him. She caught his eye, he could see her eyes welling up with tears again and all he could think of was her letting Puck touch her. Letting him do things that she wouldn't let him do...
He turned around, feelings of nausea and anger rushing up. He had to get out of there. His job was done.
He walked through the door, turned down the hall and had a quick moment of confusion, how the hell was he going to get to the parking lot? This place was like a maze. He took a deep breath, being lost would only increase his chances of seeing THEM again.
Puck, that asshole, his best friend.
He pushed the thoughts out of his head as he turned to the right, relieved to see the lobby and the front doors.
Outside the cool air filled his lungs, there was Mr. Shue's car, right where he had left it. The bright blue was easy to see in a sea of dull minivans and SUV's. Thank god.
He got into the car. Tears starting to well up, everything was so confusing and painful. He sat there for a minute trying to pull himself together, screw them, no more crying.
The knock on the window almost made his heart jump into his throat. It was Rachel. That was ok. He could deal with her. He rolled the window down.
Rachel: Want to give me a ride home? Maybe we could talk about it. Or not talk about it. Or I could go back inside, if you want to be alone.
Finn: I don't want to talk about it.
Rachel: Oh, well I'll see you tomorrow at school then.
Finn: I don't want to talk about it but I think I want you around.
Rachel gave him an understanding half smile and got into the car. She didn't say anything. She put on her seatbelt and looked ahead.
As he turned on the car, he knew that this wasn't fair to her. Rachel didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve him blubbering on her. He couldn't help it though, she made it feel better. When she was around all he felt was comfort and relief from everything.
He drove the car towards Lima. He turned when he saw the Lima sign, but he otherwise his driving was aimless. He wasn't driving toward the school, not toward his house, not towards hers, he just drove. She wasn't saying anything. He guessed that she just wanted to be with him. That was fine, that he could handle, that was what he wanted right now.
Finn saw her hands folded gently in her lap. He watched as her fingers gripped and released anxiously. He reached down and grabbed her hand. She grabbed back, she sat up straight, her gaze still fixated on the road ahead. The little electric shocks from their touching made a sense of calm wash over him. It was nice. Her holding his hand, it made him feel clear. He drove.
He could feel her smooth leg with the back of his hand. His mind going back to that day in the auditorium. It was his worst non-performance yet. Funny, just kissing Rachel was all that it took. With Quinn he could grind for a while, her body writhing all over him, there was a build up. But with Rachel, he completely lost control. Kissing her. Laying on top of her. Her knee as it moved up his side...
He let go. Put his hand back on the wheel, his eyes back on the road. Where was he? How long had he been holding her hand? Surveying the road, he was at the stop light next to the last gas station before the freeway. They were almost past the city limits. Almost out of Lima. He thought about where they could go. All he wanted to do was stop the car and grab her and just let her hug him more. He didn't want a to go to make-out spot, those would only make him think of HER.
Rachel: Do you want me to drive to my house? I don't think you know what you're doing and you're so upset right now, you probably shouldn't be driving.
Finn relented easily, "yeah."
They switched places. Rachel seemed to look past him as she walked to the driver side. She dutifully fastened her safety belt, adjusted the mirrors, moved the seats. It was almost comical, a chuckle filled his throat and made him smirk. He thought about Mr. Shue, he hoped that he wouldn't be mad that he wasn't back with his car.
Rachel: We should probably get some gas, we have been driving for a while now and you used up over half the tank.
She pulled the car next to the pump, filled the tank. It was like she could read his mind. Letting him just be quiet, letting him not do anything.
She drove. They passed familiar streets. He thought of her room. He had been on her bed before. He had bounced on it gently as she was "getting ready." That day he knew it was wrong to be there. He knew that if she sat next to him and touched him he would touch her back, then he really would be a cheater. Touching Rachel, kissing her, he wouldn't want to stop. If he hadn't exploded into his pants that day in the auditorium, he could have kissed her all day. It made him light headed, it made the whole world disappear. Then she came out, with that weird body suit and all that make up, the moment was ruined. It was a wake up call. Seeing her like that only made him think of the baby and how wrong it was for him to be there. "Sorry, sweetie, I cheated on your mom with a sad, clown hooker."
When she kissed him at the bowling alley, he almost lost himself again, letting himself enjoy the kiss for a second too long, before he thought of why he had asked her there in the first place. He needed her on the team, he needed her voice, he needed to get a scholarship and he pulled back. Before he knew it the words flew out of his mouth and he was using her again. He did want her to come back, but letting her kiss him, leading her on... That was too much. He felt so bad, he was using her that day. He was using her now.
Rachel stopped the car in her driveway. As he got out she held his hand, leading him to her front door. Going from the car to her room felt like flying. When she let go he was standing there beside her bed as he watching her as she closed the door. And then she did it. She walked over and just hugged him. God, it felt good. He could breathe.
No baby. No daughter. No heartache over having to give her up. The baby wasn't his. She was Puck's. Puck's problem. Puck's responsibility.
College, leaving this stupid town, the future, that was his. Rachel gave him that future back when she told him the truth.
Rachel. She was right there, holding him and her hands rubbing up and down his back. She pulled away. Why wasn't she saying anything?
Rachel: We could lay down. Don't worry about me trying to kiss you. We could just lay down and hold each other. I can tell that you need me right now, I want to be here for you, even if you act like it never happened on Monday.
Finn: I don't want to use you anymore Rachel.
Rachel: You're not using me. I'm not doing anything that I don't want to.
Finn just nodded as she touched his cheek. She guided him to the bed. He laid down on his back, she snuggled into the crook of his arm. If she had looked up at him, he would have kissed her. She didn't look up, she kept her head on his chest and just held onto him. He pulled her closer, he knew he must be squeezing too hard.
He was so thankful to have her, having her doing all the right things, saying all the right things.
He looked at the top of her head. He looked at the perfectly straight part in her shiny, soft hair. Her breasts were pushed against the side of his chest. He could see her down the front of her dress, her shapely leg poking out, her foot resting lightly across his shin. If she had looked up at him with that smile, those sweet eyes, the long lashes, he wouldn't be able to not kiss her. She would kiss him back and he could touch her and she would touch him back. He wanted it, but not right now. He just wanted to let her hold him more.
He knew that he would be on this bed again. He looked at the ceiling, at the light fixture, around the room, being in this room felt right. Laying her with her felt right. He kissed the top of her head.
She hugged him harder.
It was the middle of the afternoon but he was exhausted. His eyes were dry and his lids were getting so heavy.