Scarred
Written by: Setsuna
Disclaimer: X/1999 belongs to CLAMP. No part of it belongs to me.
Treated like dirt and kicked about by the one you love never hurt so much. But knowing that everything that the person has ever done for you is a mere facade, an act, hurts even more. Subaru knew that better than anyone.
He tried to forget. He tried to do away with that person inside his heart, yet it never worked. He had been too much in love to forget.
No matter how calm he seemed on the outside, he feared; feared getting hurt again more than anyone. All his life he had been naive. Naive enough to trust and fall in love with that man. Sakurazuka Seishirou. The man who killed his twin sister as if he were killing an ant. The man who didn't feel a thing for anyone. A man who sinned by killing so many people.
He was nothing more than a grain of sand in Seishirou's eyes.
Nothing more than a mere twig Seishirou could step on.
Despite all that, he still loved him more than anything. Yet, he has to face that man in battle as an enemy, a dragon of heaven. Such is his destiny, playing cruel jokes on him, crushing him bit by bit and ripping him apart.
It hurt. Each time they met, they fought. Subaru's heart was hurting so badly. His face showed calmness and concentration, but he was scarred deep inside.
He wanted to end it all. He wanted Seishirou to take his life, to at least be able to be with Seishirou at his last moment. He wanted to become stronger, at least be a threat to Seishirou. At least give Seishirou a reason to kill him.
Subaru wanted nothing more than for Seishirou to kill him. To die by the hands of someone you love... is truly a blissful thing. But things never turned out how Subaru wanted them to be. Fate had dealt him a bad hand. Destiny was mocking him, playing him.
In the end, he was the one who ended Seishirou's life at Rainbow Bridge. Killing him the same way Seishirou had killed his twin sister. A spell, one that made Seishirou's attempt to kill Subaru backfire on him. Such a spell cast by his sister to protect him.
He watched as Seishirou used his last bit of strength, whispering something in his ear. He would never have expected Seishirou to say such a thing. Was this what Seishirou had wanted to tell him all this while...?
Subaru felt so helpless, so lost. What was he to do? He could only allow his tears to flow out – as well as unknowingly hug Seishirou. He had killed the person he loved the most. He had killed Seishirou. Scarred for life.
It didn't matter if he died right there – collapse right along with the bridge. Nothing mattered more to him than Seishirou. Nothing.
Closing his eyes, he wept, hearing everything around him slowly get destroyed. The bridge, slowly but surely, disintegrating into dust. His kekkai was of no use any longer.
"SUBARU!"
Was that someone calling him? He wasn't even sure about what was happening around him any longer.
Seishirou was the only thing running through his mind at that moment. If he died, he'd be able to be with Seishirou and Hokuto-chan, right?
Then he could feel the ground crumbling beneath him.
…Everything drew a blank after that.
--- Subaru's eyes fluttered open. He got up, looking around him. The lights were switched off and the curtains were closed. This was… Kamui's room. So the boy had saved him.
Where was he right now?
Kamui had a kind heart, and Subaru knew that he had merely good intentions coming to rescue him. Yet, he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Disappointed that he couldn't die alongside Seishirou.
Subaru looked down at his clothes – they were still the same ones he had worn – the ones stained with Seishirou's blood.
He was tainted. Subaru had killed, sinned. He didn't have the right to exist.
Stepping over to the armchair in the room, Subaru sat down. He wanted time to think. He wanted to clarify with himself what had indeed happened at Rainbow Bridge.
The only thing he felt was that a tremendous amount of guilt was consuming him.
Then he heard a gentle knock on the door, followed by a slight, creaking sound of the door's hinges which came along with footsteps.
Subaru looked up, watching the younger boy enter. Before the other could open his mouth to speak, Subaru said, "You don't have to fret over me, Kamui. I'm not going to have a break down or anything."
The boy watched him sadly, feeling so helpless. "You… haven't changed your clothes…"
"No, I'd like to keep them on."
"Because… It's his blood all over you, is that why?"
Subaru lowered his head. Yes, it was Seishirou's blood.
"I owe you an…"
"Stop it Kamui, you don't have to apologize for taking me out of there."
Kamui only shook his head, "No… I knew it wasn't what you wanted… Yet I…"
Subaru knew that Kamui didn't understand why – why he smoked to increase his power, even though what he wanted was for Seishirou to kill him. Perhaps, it was time to explain it to Kamui. He was still so naïve, almost as much as he a long time ago.
"Kamui, all you need to do is think about how to make your wish come true."
"But… What if… What if my wish makes someone else feel sad?"
"Kamui. There is no path that one can take that would make everyone happy."
Kamui's eyes widened momentarily. Kamui had to understand these things; fate was playing with the poor Dragon of Heaven as well.
"Kamui, get some sleep. Your eyes look bloodshot," Subaru had finally said, after more than a minute of silence between the two. He could only hope that Kamui understood.
"I will," Kamui walked slowly towards the door, exiting. The door closed with a small 'click' sound, leaving Subaru alone in that room.
Seishirou…
Subaru looked at the marks Seishirou had left on him. Both that and the death of Seishirou had scarred him eternally.
Leaning forward, he kissed the mark on the back of his hand.
He wasn't able to create a kekkai any longer. The people he wanted to protect were all gone. Hokuto and Seishirou… There was no point in him staying here. He couldn't be a Dragon of Heaven.
Opening the window, Subaru had made up his mind. He would leave this place.
And then, he was gone.