War is Not Forever – EreriAngstWeekend 2018 – Prompt: Fade
Levi had lost a great many people in his life.
His father had never been in the picture, so Levi didn't think that counted, but his mother had been there, for a few brief years. And then she wasn't anymore, deciding it was easier to abandon her child than raise him.
And then there was Kenny, and he had been an asshole, but he taught Levi to survive. But then he had left too and Levi started to wonder if everyone he cared about was doomed to leave him, no matter what he did. He wondered if it was his fault or if it was his curse. He wondered if there was a difference.
Isabel and Farlan had stuck around much longer than his mother or uncle had. They had made a family of their own, the three of them against the world, and they swore to never leave each other, though Levi didn't believe it at first. Then they died and Levi wished he had stayed skeptical. Maybe then it wouldn't have hurt so much. Maybe then he wouldn't have been surprised to lose them after all.
As soon as he was old enough he joined the Marines. Fighting a war was simple, in his eyes. It was just like any other time in his life. Kill or be killed, and expect everyone around you to die. He gained a reputation for being cold and aloof, for caring about no one and doing whatever it took to complete the mission. It wasn't long before he was a member of the Special Forces, a high ranking officer, Erwin Smith, noticing his potential and taking him under his wing.
Erwin was strong and brave and smart, and if anyone could survive this war it was him. So Levi clung to him, unable to truly keep himself from latching on to people even after everyone he'd lost. Erwin was a safe bet, his position keeping him out of most conflict and his strength of mind and body surely enough to keep him alive.
And Erwin didn't die, so Levi got comfortable, got used to it, and he opened up a little more. Maybe not his personality, per se, but his heart. He was assigned a unit, a covert SF team entrusted with the most important of missions. They were the Navy Seals, the Delta Force, the best of the best - just a better kept secret. Levi was sure that such a competent group of people would manage to survive, or at least most of them. He was confident in their skills and he trusted them to protect each other, and he started to believe that maybe, just maybe, they'd make it out of the war more or less intact.
There was some new kid. He was important to the Marines, a true 'asset', whatever Erwin had meant by that, and he was assigned to Levi's unit despite a ridiculous lack of experience and training. "He's special," Erwin said. "He'll be useful to you. You'll see what I mean."
Erwin was right about the kid, he really was something, but he was new and inexperienced and scared. Levi told him to trust his team.
Levi was wrong.
Everyone died. Everyone but him.
And the kid.
He should have been used to it by now, losing people. But he wasn't and it hurt and he just wanted a break. Or maybe he wanted to break.
But that kid…
Erwin was right. He was special.
To go through the hell they just went through and come out the other side still able to smile? To lose everything he's lost and still care about people? To wear his broken heart on his sleeve instead of trying to protect it from more harm? To still love people when the chances of losing them were so great?
Very special, indeed. Stupid. Masochistic. But special.
They were in a war zone, surrounded by fire and blood and death and grief, and Eren Jaegar still found something to smile about. Still found a way to be optimistic. Still believed in people and in the possibility of a good life after all this was over.
Levi was drawn to it. It was like magic, like a spell that kept urging him closer and closer, secret whispers in his mind arguing against every reason for staying away from that kid, from anyone that could make him feel again. No matter how many times he told himself he was just setting himself up for more pain, that it was a futile effort, he couldn't stay away.
The first time they kissed, it was Eren leaning in, soft and sweet and scared.
Levi had a new unit, mostly comprised of more kids, but they were strong and stubborn and they actually weren't doing too bad of a job so Levi wouldn't complain. At least if they died he could blame it on their youth or their inexperience. And so they went on more missions and they'd had a few successes, but this last one had been… close. Very close. Blouse almost died and Levi was injured. It was a simple broken bone – he'd had much worse – but Eren's eyes followed his every move and he refused to let him out of his sight. And then they were in the infirmary, Eren refusing to leave the room, and nurses were everywhere. The nurses had tried to kick Eren out when they were setting his arm, and Eren's voice was border-line feral when he refused. The nurses were going to call security when Levi spoke, quietly commanding he be allowed to stay. It was against the rules and they didn't like it, but they knew better than to argue. Eren stayed.
Finally, after setting the bone, getting a cast, and being hooked up to pain meds, Levi, noticing Eren pretty much shaking in his chair in the corner of the room, sent the nurses out, assuring them he was okay and he'd had enough pain meds, thank you very much, and as soon as the nurses were gone Eren was springing out of his chair and across the room and throwing his arms around Levi. With the speed of movement and desperation in his eyes, Levi figured it would crush him, a big bear hug that would force all the air from his lungs, but it… wasn't.
Eren was gentle, careful, as though Levi was a fragile thing that would break if handled too roughly. And part of him was irritated, annoyed that a mere broken arm would make Eren treat him like this, but another part of him was… something. Something good, something nice that Levi couldn't put his finger on, but whatever it was, part of Levi liked that a mere broken arm would make Eren treat him like this. Part of him liked being handled with care. Being treated as valuable. It was-
It was new. It was new, and Levi liked it.
That scared him.
Eren held him in his arms for probably a couple minutes, breathing and shaking and reassuring himself that Levi was okay and nobody had died that day and everything was going to be fine. "I thought you were going to die," he whispered, and Levi nodded, gently bringing his uninjured arm up to lightly touch Eren's back, the closest he could bring himself to hugging Eren back.
"I know. I didn't."
"You could have."
Yes, he could have. "I didn't."
Eren took a deep breath and pulled away, not a lot, but enough for Levi to see his face. His eyes were closed as he exhaled, slowly letting the air leave his lungs along with his panic. His eyes didn't open as he set his forehead against Levi's, and Levi had to resist the urge to flinch at the contact. At the familiarity. "You didn't," Eren said, calm once again, as though affirming a fact, reassuring them both it was true. He finally opened his eyes, bright green meeting cold gray, his hands sliding up from around Levi's back to cup his head, fingers running along his undercut in a way that made Levi shiver. "I'm glad you didn't."
Eren, slowly, carefully – still oh so gentle – tilted his head and pressed their lips together. Soft and chaste, he lingered for a moment before pulling away. Levi opened his mouth to say- something, he didn't know what, but Eren spoke first. "I know neither of us can promise that we'll make it home. I know that. But-" He sighed harshly, frustrated at his inability to say what he wanted to. "Just- I won't give up. I don't want you to either. War sucks, but it's not forever."
Levi's eyebrows furrowed and he frowned, not sure how to respond to that, the words or the kiss. Not sure how Eren wanted him to respond. Not sure if he should respond at all. Eren didn't wait for him to figure it out. He sat up straight, thumb caressing Levi's cheekbone once before he pulled away and stood. "I'll let you rest. I'm sure Smith'll want to talk to you later."
…
"Jaegar."
Eren stopped at the door, glancing over his shoulder. "Yes, Captain?"
"I don't give up. You don't have to worry about that."
Eren smiled, bright, but still somehow sad. Melancholic. "I'm happy to hear that, sir."
Then he left.
They didn't talk about the kiss. They never even acknowledged it happened. It didn't affect their job, didn't interfere with missions, so Levi didn't really feel properly motivated to deal with it. He didn't want to start something with the kid, simply because of better judgement, rather than a lack of attraction. It was hard enough to lose people in general, so there was no good reason to make it harder by caring more. Besides, Levi was technically his direct superior officer. Levi might think most rules are crap, but he still had to live by them.
That didn't mean Levi wanted to break the kid's heart though. Eren's feelings didn't appear to be hindering his work, but for all Levi knew, a rejection would.
So they continued on as they had before, though Levi noticed a lot more of Eren's stares, noticed Eren watch him during training and sparring sessions. Levi was sure that these had been going on for much longer and he just hadn't realized it before, just as he was sure that he had noticed himself staring more often too.
It was… frustrating.
But he ignored it, as he usually did with problems he didn't know how to solve (especially problems involving feelings), and dove headfirst into training and missions – anything that would distract him. He had more meetings with Erwin, he actually did paperwork sometimes, and he even, on rare, rare occasion, indulged Hanje's reckless experiments.
Eren seemed to… respect that. He didn't say anything to Levi, didn't try to kiss him again, didn't try to hug him again, and didn't try to do anything else at all that would go beyond a normal, healthy, superior/subordinate relationship. Levi occasionally found himself wondering why, despite trying to convince himself that he really didn't need to know. Eren was the biggest mystery he'd ever encountered, and he couldn't quite convince himself to let it go.
Still, as much as he would like to contemplate his and Eren's nonexistent relationship, he had things to do, missions to lead his team on. He had to focus. He had to work hard to win this war so they could all go home. Or at least, as many of them as possible.
It was on one such mission that Levi just about strangled that idiot kid.
It was Arlert's fault, if anyone was being honest. The kid was a genius, which more than made up for the other areas in which he lacked, and his determination not to be a burden pushed him to improve, but the kid was, unfortunately, not exactly on par with everyone else in the unit when it came to fieldwork.
Also, PTSD. It sucks to have it in general. It's worse to have it when it interferes with your ability to function in stressful situations that inherently contain your triggers. Like, I don't know, war.
So the mission was going fine and they were meeting all their checkpoints on time. Then, because nothing can ever go perfectly, one of the sentries they were taking out let loose a hand grenade and Arlert lost it. He froze, unable to move as more and more enemy soldiers were swarming to their location. Kirstein found an exit as Springer and Blouse gave suppressing fire, and Levi ushered everyone through the exit. Most of the unit had made it out, but Arlert was still frozen stiff. Levi was rather surprised he hadn't been shot yet, being such an easy target out in the open, but there he was, wide eyed, shaking like a leaf, and staring into space. "Arlert," Levi called, barely able to make himself heard over the din of gunshots, explosives, and general panic. "Snap out of it and get your ass over here!"
No reaction. Well, shit.
Levi was trying to decide whether to yell again or run out there and shake him when a building nearby exploded. He ducked, shielding his head from debris and shrapnel. The force of the blast knocked him back, sending him sprawling on his back. When the explosion had passed, he looked around, trying to figure out if Eren any of the few who hadn't made it through their exit were injured by the blast. Just about everyone seemed okay, picking themselves up, dusting off their clothes, and checking on their friends around them. Eren looked dazed, and he hadn't gotten to his feet yet, but he had been closer to the explosion than Levi. But everyone was alive and conscious and mostly looked uninjured.
Except Arlert. Go figure.
He was sprawled on the ground, unconscious and seemingly bleeding from a couple different places. Not profusely, but bleeding nonetheless. Weighing the situation and Arlert's injuries, Levi picked himself up, and grabbed a few of his soldiers, pulling them to their feet and all put throwing them through their exit point. He needed to eliminate as much danger to the team as possible. There were only two or three people left, besides Arlert and himself, including Eren, who groaned slightly as he forced himself to his feet, a hand rubbing his head. He looked around, making eye contact with Levi and quickly surveying him to make sure he was alright. He nodded when he was satisfied and turned to get an idea of the rest of the situation. That was when he saw Arlert.
Levi knew the instant Eren's eyes got a look at Arlert that he was going to do something stupid. He jolted forward, reaching for Eren's arm, but the kid was already gone, dashing across the debris-littered road to the injured blond. The enemy soldiers had recovered enough to start shooting again, and Levi cursed as he started firing his own gun to keep the enemy occupied. "God damn it, Eren! Hurry the hell up!"
Eren quickly, but carefully, hoisted Arlert up over his shoulder and took off running back across the road, but he slid to a halt in the middle and ducked behind an overturned vehicle as bullets shredded the ground in front of him. Now the both of them were pinned down, they, along with Levi, the Ackerman girl, and Bodt, were separated from the rest of the unit, and Arlert was still unconscious and bleeding from several wounds. Nobody else was really injured, but Ackerman was on the verge of panic at the sight of her brother in harm's way (seriously, whose idea was it to put these two in the same unit) and Bodt was staring at Arlert's wounds, likely assessing them to get an idea how to treat them. That was great, since he was their Navy-lent medic, but it wasn't really all that helpful until they could get to Eren and Arlert.
"Ackerman, Bodt, get your heads out of your asses and use your guns." They snapped to attention and grabbed their weapons, turning to fire at the enemy. Bodt was a capable rifleman – had to be to get in their unit – but Ackerman was a prodigy. They may not get along, but if he was forming a team to survive the apocalypse with, she'd make the cut. "Bodt, lay suppressive fire. Ackerman, you aim. Pick off as many as you can." It was a tall order, with all the smoke in the air, but if anyone could make a dent, it was Mikasa Ackerman.
Levi signaled to Eren to stay where he was and fumbled with the pocket on his pants to get to his radio. The signal was crap, but it was enough to call for air support and a med-evac. All they had to do now was sit tight, wait, and not get blown up when their backup arrived.
"Captain!"
Ugh, what now?
Levi looked up at Eren, who was staring down at Arlert with what looked like true panic in his eyes. "He's not breathing!"
Levi let out a harsh sigh and turned to Bodt. "Thoughts?"
"Hard to tell from this distance, but it's probably a collapsed lung. Shrapnel must've got in there from the blast."
Levi cursed. If help didn't get there soon, the kid was as good as dead. He thought for a second before nodding. He switched positions with Bodt. "Get over there and do what you can. I'll cover you." It was all they could do.
Levi and Ackerman laid suppressive fire as Bodt darted across the road to Eren and Arlert's position. As soon as he was behind the cover of the vehicle, Levi ducked back down, Ackerman still picking off the enemy one by one as if she was a sniper. Levi took a deep breath, steadying himself before going back to firing. They were going to run out of bullets soon, likely before air support showed up, but they had to do as much as they could to protect their people.
He kept an eye on Eren, Arlert, and Bodt as he fired. Bodt appeared to be putting Eren to work, having him hold the plasma above his head, as well as applying pressure to one of Arlert's wounds.
Out of the corner of his eye, Levi saw an enemy soldier step out of cover and run towards the vehicle they were hiding behind. It took him a second to figure out what he was up to, and by then it was too late. "Grenade!" he yelled, just as it slipped from the man's hand. A second later, Ackerman had put a bullet in him and the grenade rolled behind the cover of the vehicle. Levi saw Eren jolt forward, trying to get to the grenade before it went off.
No. Please, no. Not him.
It wasn't him. Bodt beat him to it.
Marco Bodt landed on the grenade less than a second before it went off. The force of the explosion sent his body flying upward before it crashed back down.
He was dead. Marco Bodt leapt on a grenade to save his comrades. His brothers.
And all Levi could think in that moment was, 'Thank God it wasn't him…'
He heard Eren shout Bodt's name and he saw Ackerman flinch at his side and he heard the planes overhead as their air support arrived a minute too late to save their medic.
But he couldn't move. He was stuck. Stuck staring at Eren Jaegar, and stuck realizing that maybe his feelings were affecting his job after all.
They managed to get his body out of there.
It was a close call and they almost had to leave him behind, but they managed. Eren managed, really. He was adamant that there would be a proper burial for the man who saved his life.
When they got back to the FOB, they put him in the infirmary so another medic could look him over and clean him up later, getting him ready to be sent home. Everyone in the unit came by to say goodbye. Levi stayed the whole time, and Eren, once Arlert was pronounced stable, had also joined him. Kirstein also refused to leave, though he stood apart from them, tear tracks staining his face. Once everyone had paid their respects, the medic came to clean him up.
Levi watched as she removing the scraps of his uniform from his chest, gingerly separating the cloth from the seared flesh. She mopped blood off his chest, making the damage to his body even easier to discern. Levi felt bile rise in his throat as he watched. It wasn't the first wound he'd seen. It wasn't even the most gruesome. But so far, it was the worst, because of what it meant. Because of what could have happened if Bodt hadn't made this sacrifice.
After 20 minutes of staring at a dead man's broken body, he could take no more. He grabbed Eren's wrist and dragged him out of the room, ignoring his protests and resisting his struggles. He found an empty room and threw him in, shutting the door behind them and locking it.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Eren looked livid, but Levi couldn't find it in himself to care because he also looked so alive, and that was all he really cared about right then. Levi grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him against the wall. Eren's eyes went wide as Levi ripped open his shirt. "Captain, what are you-"
"Shut up, Jaegar." Levi's voice was quiet. His breathing was labored, and as he placed his hand on Eren's bare chest, splaying his fingers out against the warm, tan, alive skin, they could both see that he was shaking. Levi could feel his eyes watering, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He closed his eyes as he listened to Eren breathe and felt his heartbeat under his hand. After a few moments, his breathing had calmed and he wasn't shaking so much. Without opening his eyes, he leaned his forehead on Eren's now bare shoulder.
Levi's hand slowly roved over the skin of Eren's chest, taking in every nook and cranny under his fingertips. He took his time with the few scars, reminding himself with each new mark that they were old and Eren was okay, Eren was alive, he didn't jump on that grenade. Levi's second hand had joined his first by now, pressing against warm, whole flesh. Flesh untarnished by that grenade. No blood. No gaping holes. Levi could see it playing in his head, Eren leaping forward, the force of the grenade sending his body flying in the air. His mind transposed the image of Bodt's wounds on Eren's chest, and it was all Levi could do to keep himself in check. To keep himself from collapsing against Eren and letting the tears come.
"It could have been you."
He was half surprised Eren heard him, he'd spoken so quietly, but he did. Eren's arms wrapped around Levi, pulling him in against his chest. His fingers traced slow patterns into his back. "It could have been. But it wasn't."
Levi shook his head. "I saw you. You were going to do it. I saw you."
Eren remained calm, still tracing pictures against the bumps of Levi's spinal cord. "You're right. I was going to do it. But Marco got there first and now he's dead instead of me. I'm not exactly happy about that."
Levi flinched, the shaking coming back. "… Is it bad that I am?"
Eren hugged him tighter. "No. No, Captain, it doesn't make you a bad person." Eren dropped a light kiss on the top of his head. "It makes you a person who cares. That's not a bad thing."
Levi shuddered, wrapping his arms around Eren's waist and pulling himself flat against him, burying his head in his chest as his shoulders shook with silent sobs. "He was still my- still one of my men. I shouldn't- You shouldn't mean more to me than he did. You shouldn't be special."
"But I am." Eren's voice was serene, like this didn't trouble him at all when everything they'd been taught said it should, and his hand raised from his spine to run through Levi's hair. "Aren't I?"
Levi swallowed. He wasn't sure he wanted to answer the question, but he supposed he sort of already had. Even still, he could only bring himself to whisper. "Yes."
Eren cupped his face, coaxing him to look up. When he did, Eren simply smiled. "I'm glad. I want to be special to you."
This time Levi kissed Eren. It was magical.
So magical, the image of Lieutenant Marco Bodt's chest begins to fade.