Salazar Slytherin- This is your Life!
By Marina.
A/N: This is JUST a bit of fun! Basically, Rita Skeeter is interviewing Slytherin on a TV Channel for wizards.
Disclaimer: OK, OK, I'll admit! I own NOTHING! NOTHING! Boohoo! Actually, I do own some of the characters mentioned in this fanfic. Basically; they're the ones that aren't in the books!
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN - THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
Rita Skeeter: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, banshees and ghouls! And welcome to today's THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Special guest is. Drum roll SALAZAR SLYTHERIN. Salazar walks on amidst cheering, jeers, and a few hexes
Slytherin: the greatest of the Hogwarts four.
Audience (from the other houses): BOO!
Member of audience: Down in front!
Rita: So, Salazar. You were one of the founders of Hogwarts?
Slytherin: Of course. I tried to offer those three dunderheads some help, you know; advice in which students to accept, their characteristics, the curriculum. And they all threw it back into my face.
Rita: Is it true that one of the reasons you and Godric Gryffindor didn't get on so well was because you were both in love with the same woman?
Salazar: Oh, God, not all this crap again!
Rita: Who was it?
Salazar: Oh, some woman shifts uncomfortably in his chair
Rita: Guests, meet Rowena Ravenclaw! A fellow Founder of Hogwarts and the love of both Gryffindor and Slytherin's lives! Rowena comes on to lots of applause
Rowena: Salazar!
Slytherin: Rowena!
They walk up to each other, about to hug, when Rowena slaps Slytherin
Slytherin: What was that for?
Rowena: For all the nasty things you did to me, asshole!
Salazar: Look, I said I was sorry!
Rita: What nasty things did he do to you, Rowena?
Rowena: First, he courted me, then he said he'd love me forever, then he got me pregnant, then he said he didn't want anything to do with me OR the baby, and just left me.
Audience hisses and boos at Slytherin as if at a pantomime
Member of audience: DOWN in front!
Rita: So, what did you do, Rowena?
Rowena: Oh, Godric was very kind to me, and he promised he'd look after my baby and me. We fell in love, he looked after me, like he promised, then we got married, and had our own baby!
Salazar: Yeah, the home wrecker, moving in on MY girl!
Rowena: You left me there, you asshole! Godric was the only one who truly, cared for me! You just got lusts! I can tell everyone here about your lusts!
Rita: And so, the rift between Gryffindor and Slytherin became ever more apparent. Everyone, welcome Gryffindor!
Godric Gryffindor appears, amidst loud cheers drowning out the jeers, and he rushes up to hug Rowena
Salazar: You Mudblood lover!
Godric: Serpent face!
Member of audience: Down in front!
Slytherin: You stole my girl! Now she won't even let me see my kid!
Someone in audience: Excuse me, can I ask a question to that ugly, serpent dude.
Rita: Slytherin.
Someone in audience: Yeah, him. Well, if Rowena says that HE'S the one who turned cold towards HER, then he doesn't have much right to blame Gryffindor, who only came in to look after Rowena, like a TRUE gentleman. He has NO right to say that Godric nicked her; he'd dumped her!
Salazar: Shut up you Mudblood lover! AVEDA KEDAVRA!
Member of audience: DOWN in FRONT!
Rita: Anyway, you managed to get revenge, didn't you Salazar? You managed to convince the governors of the school, or rather you blackmailed them, to make Rowena and Godric's child illegitimate, and then forced them to not go out anymore, and proclaimed their marriage invalid. Of course, this meant that your son with Rowena was also illegitimate. This meant there were no Heirs to any of the Houses of Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Gryffindor. Only Helga Hufflepuff had produced an heir; a six-month-old son called Harrison. You tried to proclaim him illegitimate and make him your son; you were the eldest, and had soon realized after Rowena had your daughter, that you were becoming infertile. So, when the legal stuff hadn't managed to work, you tried to kidnap him, then when that didn't work, you tried to control him so he would want to be your son, and tried to make Helga admit that you were Harrison's father. However, when she "confessed" this made Harrison illegitimate; since it was illegal for two of the Hogwarts Founders to make heirs together. Then, Helga came out with the real story, and Harrison was once again her legal heir, and now Ravenclaw had had a daughter called Ria, and Gryffindor now had a son called Harold. It seemed as if you were the only person without an heir, and you so needed one. You decided that you couldn't have any children with the love of your life; Rowena, for the Heir would be illegitimate and therefore not an actually heir. Then, Helga had a second son, then Ravenclaw had a son, then Gryffindor had two daughters. You soon turned ever colder to your fellow Founders.
Salazar: it was humiliating! Even Gryffindor had lots of heirs before I had a legal one.
Rita: So, you soon turned your attention to the seventh year females of your house; all would surely be obedient to you. You searched around, getting very friendly with the seventh and sixth year female students, found out about their backgrounds, seemed to be concerned about their welfare, and courted a large many.
Salazar: In the end, nine of my female students had children, all mine!
Godric: Except, we- Helga, Rowena and I- argued that he was exploiting and taking advantage of them! None of them was a legitimate heir, unless Slytherin married one of the mothers.
Salazar: It was a tough choice. I had only courted what looked like the most maternal, fertile and attractive ones, so I had to choose. I had four sons and five daughters, so I had to choose a pupil who had had a son. Of course, the son had to be 100 % Slytherin material; he had to be my ideal pupil, who could speak Parseltongue. So, I kept each of the four mothers who had bore me sons for another few years, monitoring their son's behaviour.
Rowena: He was SO obsessed about getting an heir; he ended up in a loveless marriage! He made sure the girl provided him with lots of mini-Slytherin sons, and once when she had a daughter, he beat her to death!
Salazar: I chose Rosalind de Sauvney. She gave me five sons in total, and then a daughter. So I beat her to death, and left the child to die in the Forbidden Forest!
Rita: So, you had one legitimate heir when you married Rosalind de Sauvney, and then, when you murdered her, and left her daughter to die, the other followers were annoyed with you now. Please welcome Helga Hufflepuff!
Helga walks in, amidst cheers
Helga: That's right! We thought that the big bully deserved a lesson!
Salazar: Hogwarts had been founded for twenty years; I had had fifteen children. The only legitimate ones I had was my heir Salazar the Younger, and his four brothers.
Helga: Until we decided he would have to pay the price for murdering his wife and daughter!
Member of audience: DOWN in FRONT!
Helga: Anyway, we said that since he had battered his wife to death, he had wished to divorce her, without any of the legalities.so; we proclaimed that his marriage to Rosalind had been invalid, and all his legal sons were made illegitimate!
Rita: Of course, the governors were getting a bit annoyed at the Founders' petty squabbles and "abuse of the law system to aid their indifferences", and told Slytherin, that this was his last chance to find an Heir, and that the other three had no power whatsoever to change anything, or make his children illegitimate.
Salazar: I was getting on a bit by then; Hogwarts had been founded only thirty years, and I was about sixty now. I couldn't be bothered to go gallivanting around my students again, or hope to find some woman.
Rowena: He tried creeping around the three other women who had given him sons. Two were already married, but the last one refused to marry him, just to give him an Heir.
Rita: The fourth and final girl, Isabelle Malfoy had given Slytherin a son, and when he came back to woo her, she told him: "You had your first chance, but you would rather go to court Rosalind. You turned your back on my son, and me just because I didn't seem to be the most fertile of the four who had borne you sons. My son has nothing to do with you! He shall not be your Heir, and I shall not be your wife!"
Salazar: The ungrateful wretch!
Member of audience: Down in front!
Rita: It looked as if Slytherin was never going to have an Heir, the one thing that was so important to him. When, suddenly, a fifth woman came up, who claimed to have his son. Her name was Margot Malfoy; sister to Isabelle. It turned out that she had been too scared to tell her twin that she too, had carried one of Slytherin's children. This wasn't a lie; Slytherin had in fact courted her.
Salazar: And, of course, the others had to test the son to see if he WAS my actual son. It turned out he was.
Rita: So, Slytherin married Margot Malfoy. She was still not quite Rowena, but she managed to borne him six sons and an Heir. But why was Slytherin so obsessed with having an heir?
Godric/ Helga/ Rowena: Cos he's a bloody quack!
Rita: Wrong!
Salazar: I had built a secret Chamber, and had bred a Basilisk inside it. I needed an Heir to finish my great work off. I had planned it all since Rowena and Godric fell in love; when Hogwarts was ten years old.
Rita: This chamber was known as the Chamber of Secrets. There had always been a lot of friction between Slytherin and Gryffindor, and then as it grew, it began to turn Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw against Slytherin.
Gryffindor: He wanted only pure-bloods to be in the school. He said that- that-
Slytherin: No Mudblood SHOULD be in Hogwarts; I would, if I had my way, get rid of every last Mudblood!
Member of Audience: Down in front!
Rita: Which is why you built your Chamber of Secrets! One day, when you finally left, you sealed it, so that only your true heir would unseal it and then destroy all the-
Salazar: Mudbloods! And finish off my great work!
Gryffindor: You scheming b-
Gets out wand and duels with Slytherin
SCREEN GOES BLANK
SORRY- TECHNICAL FAULT!
Ron Weasley turned off the TV, and stared at his best friend Harry.
"Well, I've seen better," he shrugged.
Harry nodded in agreement. "I bet the ratings have gone down like crazy."
A/N: How do you like it? It's not meant to be serious; though I deliberately made it sound that way. DOWN IN FRONT!!! Sorry I can't stop typing that!!!
By Marina.
A/N: This is JUST a bit of fun! Basically, Rita Skeeter is interviewing Slytherin on a TV Channel for wizards.
Disclaimer: OK, OK, I'll admit! I own NOTHING! NOTHING! Boohoo! Actually, I do own some of the characters mentioned in this fanfic. Basically; they're the ones that aren't in the books!
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN - THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
Rita Skeeter: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, banshees and ghouls! And welcome to today's THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Special guest is. Drum roll SALAZAR SLYTHERIN. Salazar walks on amidst cheering, jeers, and a few hexes
Slytherin: the greatest of the Hogwarts four.
Audience (from the other houses): BOO!
Member of audience: Down in front!
Rita: So, Salazar. You were one of the founders of Hogwarts?
Slytherin: Of course. I tried to offer those three dunderheads some help, you know; advice in which students to accept, their characteristics, the curriculum. And they all threw it back into my face.
Rita: Is it true that one of the reasons you and Godric Gryffindor didn't get on so well was because you were both in love with the same woman?
Salazar: Oh, God, not all this crap again!
Rita: Who was it?
Salazar: Oh, some woman shifts uncomfortably in his chair
Rita: Guests, meet Rowena Ravenclaw! A fellow Founder of Hogwarts and the love of both Gryffindor and Slytherin's lives! Rowena comes on to lots of applause
Rowena: Salazar!
Slytherin: Rowena!
They walk up to each other, about to hug, when Rowena slaps Slytherin
Slytherin: What was that for?
Rowena: For all the nasty things you did to me, asshole!
Salazar: Look, I said I was sorry!
Rita: What nasty things did he do to you, Rowena?
Rowena: First, he courted me, then he said he'd love me forever, then he got me pregnant, then he said he didn't want anything to do with me OR the baby, and just left me.
Audience hisses and boos at Slytherin as if at a pantomime
Member of audience: DOWN in front!
Rita: So, what did you do, Rowena?
Rowena: Oh, Godric was very kind to me, and he promised he'd look after my baby and me. We fell in love, he looked after me, like he promised, then we got married, and had our own baby!
Salazar: Yeah, the home wrecker, moving in on MY girl!
Rowena: You left me there, you asshole! Godric was the only one who truly, cared for me! You just got lusts! I can tell everyone here about your lusts!
Rita: And so, the rift between Gryffindor and Slytherin became ever more apparent. Everyone, welcome Gryffindor!
Godric Gryffindor appears, amidst loud cheers drowning out the jeers, and he rushes up to hug Rowena
Salazar: You Mudblood lover!
Godric: Serpent face!
Member of audience: Down in front!
Slytherin: You stole my girl! Now she won't even let me see my kid!
Someone in audience: Excuse me, can I ask a question to that ugly, serpent dude.
Rita: Slytherin.
Someone in audience: Yeah, him. Well, if Rowena says that HE'S the one who turned cold towards HER, then he doesn't have much right to blame Gryffindor, who only came in to look after Rowena, like a TRUE gentleman. He has NO right to say that Godric nicked her; he'd dumped her!
Salazar: Shut up you Mudblood lover! AVEDA KEDAVRA!
Member of audience: DOWN in FRONT!
Rita: Anyway, you managed to get revenge, didn't you Salazar? You managed to convince the governors of the school, or rather you blackmailed them, to make Rowena and Godric's child illegitimate, and then forced them to not go out anymore, and proclaimed their marriage invalid. Of course, this meant that your son with Rowena was also illegitimate. This meant there were no Heirs to any of the Houses of Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Gryffindor. Only Helga Hufflepuff had produced an heir; a six-month-old son called Harrison. You tried to proclaim him illegitimate and make him your son; you were the eldest, and had soon realized after Rowena had your daughter, that you were becoming infertile. So, when the legal stuff hadn't managed to work, you tried to kidnap him, then when that didn't work, you tried to control him so he would want to be your son, and tried to make Helga admit that you were Harrison's father. However, when she "confessed" this made Harrison illegitimate; since it was illegal for two of the Hogwarts Founders to make heirs together. Then, Helga came out with the real story, and Harrison was once again her legal heir, and now Ravenclaw had had a daughter called Ria, and Gryffindor now had a son called Harold. It seemed as if you were the only person without an heir, and you so needed one. You decided that you couldn't have any children with the love of your life; Rowena, for the Heir would be illegitimate and therefore not an actually heir. Then, Helga had a second son, then Ravenclaw had a son, then Gryffindor had two daughters. You soon turned ever colder to your fellow Founders.
Salazar: it was humiliating! Even Gryffindor had lots of heirs before I had a legal one.
Rita: So, you soon turned your attention to the seventh year females of your house; all would surely be obedient to you. You searched around, getting very friendly with the seventh and sixth year female students, found out about their backgrounds, seemed to be concerned about their welfare, and courted a large many.
Salazar: In the end, nine of my female students had children, all mine!
Godric: Except, we- Helga, Rowena and I- argued that he was exploiting and taking advantage of them! None of them was a legitimate heir, unless Slytherin married one of the mothers.
Salazar: It was a tough choice. I had only courted what looked like the most maternal, fertile and attractive ones, so I had to choose. I had four sons and five daughters, so I had to choose a pupil who had had a son. Of course, the son had to be 100 % Slytherin material; he had to be my ideal pupil, who could speak Parseltongue. So, I kept each of the four mothers who had bore me sons for another few years, monitoring their son's behaviour.
Rowena: He was SO obsessed about getting an heir; he ended up in a loveless marriage! He made sure the girl provided him with lots of mini-Slytherin sons, and once when she had a daughter, he beat her to death!
Salazar: I chose Rosalind de Sauvney. She gave me five sons in total, and then a daughter. So I beat her to death, and left the child to die in the Forbidden Forest!
Rita: So, you had one legitimate heir when you married Rosalind de Sauvney, and then, when you murdered her, and left her daughter to die, the other followers were annoyed with you now. Please welcome Helga Hufflepuff!
Helga walks in, amidst cheers
Helga: That's right! We thought that the big bully deserved a lesson!
Salazar: Hogwarts had been founded for twenty years; I had had fifteen children. The only legitimate ones I had was my heir Salazar the Younger, and his four brothers.
Helga: Until we decided he would have to pay the price for murdering his wife and daughter!
Member of audience: DOWN in FRONT!
Helga: Anyway, we said that since he had battered his wife to death, he had wished to divorce her, without any of the legalities.so; we proclaimed that his marriage to Rosalind had been invalid, and all his legal sons were made illegitimate!
Rita: Of course, the governors were getting a bit annoyed at the Founders' petty squabbles and "abuse of the law system to aid their indifferences", and told Slytherin, that this was his last chance to find an Heir, and that the other three had no power whatsoever to change anything, or make his children illegitimate.
Salazar: I was getting on a bit by then; Hogwarts had been founded only thirty years, and I was about sixty now. I couldn't be bothered to go gallivanting around my students again, or hope to find some woman.
Rowena: He tried creeping around the three other women who had given him sons. Two were already married, but the last one refused to marry him, just to give him an Heir.
Rita: The fourth and final girl, Isabelle Malfoy had given Slytherin a son, and when he came back to woo her, she told him: "You had your first chance, but you would rather go to court Rosalind. You turned your back on my son, and me just because I didn't seem to be the most fertile of the four who had borne you sons. My son has nothing to do with you! He shall not be your Heir, and I shall not be your wife!"
Salazar: The ungrateful wretch!
Member of audience: Down in front!
Rita: It looked as if Slytherin was never going to have an Heir, the one thing that was so important to him. When, suddenly, a fifth woman came up, who claimed to have his son. Her name was Margot Malfoy; sister to Isabelle. It turned out that she had been too scared to tell her twin that she too, had carried one of Slytherin's children. This wasn't a lie; Slytherin had in fact courted her.
Salazar: And, of course, the others had to test the son to see if he WAS my actual son. It turned out he was.
Rita: So, Slytherin married Margot Malfoy. She was still not quite Rowena, but she managed to borne him six sons and an Heir. But why was Slytherin so obsessed with having an heir?
Godric/ Helga/ Rowena: Cos he's a bloody quack!
Rita: Wrong!
Salazar: I had built a secret Chamber, and had bred a Basilisk inside it. I needed an Heir to finish my great work off. I had planned it all since Rowena and Godric fell in love; when Hogwarts was ten years old.
Rita: This chamber was known as the Chamber of Secrets. There had always been a lot of friction between Slytherin and Gryffindor, and then as it grew, it began to turn Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw against Slytherin.
Gryffindor: He wanted only pure-bloods to be in the school. He said that- that-
Slytherin: No Mudblood SHOULD be in Hogwarts; I would, if I had my way, get rid of every last Mudblood!
Member of Audience: Down in front!
Rita: Which is why you built your Chamber of Secrets! One day, when you finally left, you sealed it, so that only your true heir would unseal it and then destroy all the-
Salazar: Mudbloods! And finish off my great work!
Gryffindor: You scheming b-
Gets out wand and duels with Slytherin
SCREEN GOES BLANK
SORRY- TECHNICAL FAULT!
Ron Weasley turned off the TV, and stared at his best friend Harry.
"Well, I've seen better," he shrugged.
Harry nodded in agreement. "I bet the ratings have gone down like crazy."
A/N: How do you like it? It's not meant to be serious; though I deliberately made it sound that way. DOWN IN FRONT!!! Sorry I can't stop typing that!!!