Chicago Memories
By DerekCriminalMorgan
-Part of Derek M. Centric [CM] Series-
After Profiler Profiled [02x12], Morgan deals with it like he always has for half of his life.
Warnings- (past) Child Abuse Mentioned, Nightmares (mentioned ), Emotional Angst and Pain and Panic Attacks.
(Authors Note: As much as I love Morgan/Reid and Hotch/Morgan, this will have some friendship or one-sided friendship with those pairings. I did not want any slash in this because some of the other fanfics I've read just focus on that slash and not the emotional pain that I want. I'm sorry if we don't share those same feelings, I just love the angst of D. Morgan! xx)
"Go to hell," Derek spats, energy leaking out of him as he watches the cops come and take away Carl.
He stays there, eyes wet with unshed tears. He knows, that Hotch and Gideon are right there, he feels there looks. He turns his head, eyes scanning theirs. He can't take it, so he shuts his eyes, blocking his vision.
The jet rumbles to life as they take off. Hotch, JJ, Prentiss and Reid are all in the middle of the jet, talking quietly. Between the glances his way, the hushed whispers he knew they were talking about him. He leans forward, head clasped in his propped up arms. His fingers interlock around his neck, his chin barely touching his elbows. He feels like he can't breathe, shouldn't he feel like a huge weight is off his shoulders? Reid is always talking about how you shouldn't keep feelings in, or some stupid statistics about emotional stress. He feels like that 'weight' came down and is hugging him around the chest, cutting of his lungs.
He needs a break, a stress relief.
He knows he probably looks like a trapped bunny, flinching at every sound, squeak or movement. He knows that his eyes are darting back and forth.
He knows his breathing is ragged.
The only problem is, he can't process this. It's all just a blurry fog of his mind screaming 'Get out!', and 'Help,". Morgan plugs in his headphones, trying to act normal. The music soothes his soul, but not his mind. His mind is racing with possibilities, Carl getting out, Carl coming after him, Carl this, Carl that, Carl, Carl, Carl Buford.
'No, Derek..He's locked up for life. Man, get it together!' He inwardly scolds himself.
He doesn't realize he's shaking so bad until a hand lays on his shoulder and he leaps out of his seat, onto the floor, hands raised above his head. JJ is staring at him eyes wide, the rest of the team watching solemnly. He lowers his hands, breathing in deeply before lifting himself back onto the seat. JJ doesn't miss how he curls in on himself, knees tucked into his chest and chin laying on his knees. She also doesn't miss how his eyes are flickering everywhere, and he's swallowing hard his adam's apple bobbing.. She notices that Henry swallows hard when he's trying to contain his whimpers when he cries.
"I-I...uh..nevermind" she quickly rushes out, walking stiffly back to her seat, next to Rossi.
Derek brings his eyes up from the floor to his lap, hands lying stiffly on his legs. That bastard did a number to him and his emotional health. He sighs and shuts his eyes tightly, wishing this was all a dream, where a 13 year old boy never got molested, and never told anybody until today where it came out all by an accident.
"By some fucking accident! It would have been all damn fine!" Morgan spats lowly, hands clenching and unclenching. Fists, no fists, fists, no fists. And repeat, fists, no fists.
JJ walks back to her seat, back stiff. The team not including Morgan, watches her as she slides into her seat. Rossi glances over at her, a worried expression on his face. Rossi leans in close to her, whispering in hushed tone.
"What happened?, all I saw was Morgan ducking and the your shocked face," Rossi states, eyebrows raised.
"I put my hand on his shoulder and must've scared him more than I thought, he went on the floor in a feeble position. His hands were covering his face….l-like I was going to hit him, Rossi," she says, her eyes filled with tears.
Rossi eyebrows go down, concerned frown on his face as he glances over at where Derek is sitting, eyes glazed over staring at his clenching hands. He glances past JJ to where Hotch and Reid are sitting, frowns on their faces. Reid taps Hotch on the shoulder, getting the attention of the older man. Rossi sighs and turns back around in his seat, slouching down.
"Worried...health..mental?...Carl….13….therapist." Are some of the words that Rossi catches in their conversation.
JJ closes her eyes, worried for Morgans mental health. Whatever happened in Chicago with Carl Buford, it really hit Derek hard. She knew it had to be something with child abuse by the way he reacted when she touched his shoulder. The raised arms over his face already proved that Morgan thought she was going to hit him. She knew his dad died when he was young, so it couldn't be his father who did that. She had assumed it was the unsub who they arrested that day, Carl Buford. She sighs, she'll get Garcia to dig deeper. From what she learned in the case, Carl was the youth director at a Youth Center where Derek had gone to. He taught Derek to play football, got his crime record expunged. So why did Derek not want to talk about Carl. There had to be a link to this. Two pieces that connect, something was up and JJ wanted to find out but she knew how Derek was with his past.
Derek sighs and walks out solemnly, face long as he walks out of the jet. He can't wait till he gets back to his house, with Clooney at the end of his bed and his nightstand lamp on. He probably won't get any sleep, nightmares and all but he's been dealing with them for half of his life. He knows what to do, his team doesn't. They can't tell him he needs to see a therapist just because they know now. Maybe if they noticed when he had just joined the team, he would have been a bit easier but he hid and he knew how to hide it. This was his decision not theirs. They should respect his decision and his method of dealing with his pain.
He's feeling a bit better when he unlocks his front door, hearing Clooney scratching at the garage door. He smiles, kicking the front door shut, wincing at the loud slam. He sighs and rubs the back of his neck, smiling as he opens the door connecting to the garage where his dog and his motorcycle is.
He yelps and starts flailing as a sudden weight is distributed on his chest. He knows it's just Clooney but after recent events his mind remembers that first time at the cabin, Carl's soothing voice, his words on encouragement as he takes it. He just takes it without complaining, his 13 year old mind knowing that this is wrong but this was his coach, his mentor, his replacement 'father'. He could trust him, couldn't he?
Morgan comes back from his panic attack with an aching chest and back. His head is pounding from lack of air. His vision swims as he strains to focus. He can hear Clooney whimpering and whining somewhere. It all seems far off in the distance, he hears bells ringing. He hears his teams hushed whispers. When he finally gets his vision to focus, he's sitting on his hallway floor, shaking. Clooney is sitting near a wall, looking at him. Derek notices that his tail is tucked in but is thumping lightly, how Clooneys eyes are looking at him, how can a dog look so worried. Derek chuckles, his throat dry and hoarse. He groans as he gets up, leaning on a wall for support, he amples off to the kitchen to get a drink.
Later in the night, when Derek Morgan is lying in his bed. His nightstand lamp on, a book right next to it on the oak stand. He starts thinking about what to do when he gets back on the job, does he act like everythings okay? What if something like what happened with JJ happens? Does he go back to be the ladies man? He sighs shaking his head, his hands gripping his bedsheets in a tight grip. He's going to deal like he did before, he's going to forget.
Forget about his mentor, his 'father', his coach.
Forget about all the abuse
Forget the nightmares.
He's going to forget those…
Chicago Memories
(Authors Note- I will be doing a(n) story/ficlit about Restoration (08x19) That one also got my feels to the level. I'll be accepting prompts pretty soon, I have decided after a lot of deciding and evaluating (heh heh smart words) that I will not only do just Derek Morgan centrics, I'll do anything you guys want. I would usually say that I will only do things CM related but I guess (just for you ;) ) that i'll do some crossovers with TV shows, Books, Movies etc. I'll be posting all my fanfics on AO3 or (if I can figure it out,as I use Google Docs instead of Word.) I'll try to use tumblr also giving links to my AO3/ stories! xx)
P.S- I know Rossi isn't in this episode but I always liked him so..he gets to be on the plane/jet thingy ;)