A/N: Hey everyone, I know this is a big change from my usual stories but hey. It's a spoof? Or an addition to the authoress Kaggerz story. Yeah, I have permission to use it. So don't bother threatening me about telling her. She knows.
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, Shakira's La Tortura or Kelly Clarkson's Where is your heart? I do however own Sammeh, because she is well, me. And I also own Tsubii's spicy brains. I own nothing of Lok..his spicy brains will be mines..
''Damn, it's so fucking hot.''
Miroku raised his hand to fan himself before he turned to his girlfriend who was lying against his chest. Grinning he ran a hand over her growing stomach. He was filled with fatherly pride while he stared at her stomach, slowly his fingers crept up to push her tank-top further up, his grin growing from a grin filled with pride to a perverted grin as his hand just about reached the smooth curve of her—
''Miroku, you damn pervert. Stop Molesting Sammeh while she's asleep.'' Lok strolled into the living room and shook his head, handing Miroku a cup of ice water. A blush formed on the young man's face before he chuckled nervously, the glare from Lok unnerving him. Before he could slip his hand from under Sammeh's shirt Lok's eye twitched and he flung the water over his head.
Droplets of water fell and pelted Sammeh on her head, she squirmed. " Dammit Miroku, stop drooling over the bikini commercials hone—hey!'' when the cool water kept falling on her she sat and glared, her glare faded as she stared at the look on Lok's face.
''Hey, how come your at Miroku's apartment..'' she trailed off when he merely pointed to her stomach, '' Yes, I'm quite aware that I am pregnant..what the hell was in the drinks from last night!'' Sitting up her eyes darted wildly across the room.'' Oh My God…Where's Tsubii! You guys could be dyi—"
''Sam, shut up. No one's dying. Miroku was trying to molest you while you sleep.''
Miroku who had been slowly trying to creep away from the pregnant madwoman was gripped at the ear.'' You know. It's one thing that you're a pervert.'' Her little fist clenched and shook at her side, her bangs fell into her eyes, shielding them from his view. "And one thing that you drool over Kikyou. But trying to molest me while I'm asleep.'' She looked up abruptly, causing him to flinch and try to shy away from her. ''Don't you think it's bad enough you got me pregnant!!'' her eye twitched.
Miroku knew from previously, eye twitching meant imminent danger. So he did what any red-blooded man in danger would do. He screamed shrilly!
Pillows, half-filled cups of water, and little fists flew at him as he tried to run from the abuse.
''Sam..Baby! Oww! Dammit I'm sorry.'' Another pillow flew and connected with his head, just as he was about to run past the door; it creaked open.
''Hey, I'm back with breakfast—Didn't know what Sammeh wanted so I just got a bit of—'' a shoe flew and connected with Tsubii, knocking her over into Lok. He tried to catch her but failed, toppling over into Miroku. The pile of sweaty limbs groaned and twitched as they tried to get up.
'' Nooooooo!!'' Sammeh lunged and grabbed the food as it slipped from Tsubii's hand, once she had the food settled in her arms, she snuggled it to her chest and strolled off to the kitchen.
''Mmm, food.''
This definitely was going to be a long, hot day.
At the Higurashi shrine things were much calmer, well as much calm as a heart-broken teen can be. Even after the party and watching Tsubii and Dan try to dry hump each other she still couldn't shake the horrible feeling Inuyasha placed in her heart. Sighing she leaned over her desk to turn on her radio.
I'm not asking for every day to be sunny
I'm not asking for a party every Friday
Nor do I ask you to come back begging forgiveness
If you're crying with dry eyes,
Speaking about her..
Her eye twitched.
Inuyasha was always seeing Kikyou when he saw her..damn Shakira and her depressive music.
This just wasn't her day was it? Depression along with depressive music. Her eye continued to twitch as the music played, by now she was glaring intently at her radio trying to decide on whether or not she should throw it out the window..
''Why must everyone always rag on me..What have I ever done to deserve this..'' a pout formed on her lips as her anger dissipated, sighing she hung her head. All she wanted some good ole, sweaty, groping lov---
''Kagome! The phone sounds like one of your friends, honey.''
A blush grew on her cheeks at the thought, she had definitely been hanging out with the 'gang' too much. '' Yes Mama!'' jumping up she rushed down the stairs to the phone, her previous anger and depression forgotten. Putting the receiver to her ear, her eyes gleamed as she clung to the phone.
''Hello?''
''Yo, Kagome we're going to the beach. Wanna come with?'' asked Lok, on occasion groan of pain coming from him each time he shifted.
Kagome blinked as she listened to him groan, a blush forming on her cheeks yet again. He must be sore from last night.
''Ye—well, I'm not sure if my Mama will let me go. But I'll check!'' her hands were practically shaking, she had friends, real friends who wanted to go places with her. The happiness in her eyes grew to her face as she grinned, peeking her head into the kitchen she waved her mother's attention. '' Mama, can I go to the beach with some friends?''
Her mother chuckled and nodded, ''of course 'Gome. Let me go get my purse so I can give you some money.'' She mouthed a 'thank you' to her Mother then returned to the phone. '' Sure, What time do you think we're going?''
''I'd say around.. 8 or 9 o' clock. These goofba---'' a thump and Lok's grunt of pain accompanied the phone. Kagome's eyes widened as she listened intently to the receiver. The sounds of shuffling, occasional moans started to become more frequent, her blush growing..after a few minutes she slammed the phone down, stalking up the stairs. The thought that kept ringing in her head was…
Did I just hear Tsubii and Lok having sex..?
''Dammit! Tsubii, Sammeh. SHARE THE DAMN Daifuku! ''
The hiss and glare he received made him shrink back; he scooted away to sit next to Miroku while the girl's battled it out. It was nowhere as entertaining as when Sammeh was abusing Miroku but..it would do.
''You think we should break this up?''
Miroku stared intently as the girl's rolled and toppled over each other. He started to drool somewhere between when Tsubii sat up and tossed her hair back, growling at Sammeh before she lunged, and when Sammeh's shorts had ridden up. Lok turned to glance at Miroku's drooling face then to his girlfriend. Growling he punched Miroku in the back of the head before he stood up, yanking Tsubii away by her waist, despite her scratching and cursing he kept walking, even his eye twitching.
'' Loooooooook. The Daiiiiiiiiiiiii calls to meee!'' was the last scream heard from Tsubii before the slamming and clicking of a locked door.
Awhile later the group was relatively calm, everyone had eaten, packed and was ready to go. The problem was..Tsubii had no gas and they were therefore stranded.
''How about Kouga?'' Miroku asked.
''Nah, that dude's a douche.'' Tsubii eyed Lok then shrugged; he was taking on her and Sammeh's foul language.
''Oh come on! He isn't that be, he's sort of romantic..'' Sammeh's eyes gleamed as she disappeared into her own fantasy; Miroku glanced at her then cleared his throat rather loudly. She of course didn't hear it. Soon Tsubii thought of him, Kouga really wasn't all that bad..
The soft, glistening dark locks..those deep sky blue eyes..that smooth tanned skin.. Tsubii drooled, as much as she loved Lok. She had to admit, Kouga was just damned sexy. As sexy as a psychotic stalker could be..
Standing up Lok went to the phone. '' It's decided then, we are calling Inuyasha! He's going to get Sesshoumaru to give us a ride.''A few minutes of some rather peculiar promises and promises of sparring, the group had a ride.. all they had to do was pick up Kagome and Rin and they'd be ready.
His hand clenched the wheel, his eye twitched—no spasmed occasionally. His shoulders were tense and his hair..his gorgeous silky, silver tresses were a balled up mess on his head. But yet far he was driving a bunch of idiotic teens to the damned beach. How had he been conned into this madness, being a van with a crazy blonde woman, a mood-swinging pregnant woman, a just plain depressed woman, a hyperactive-never stop talking woman, a pervert and a jackass, oh yes and Lok. He glanced in his rear-view mirror at the guy then shook his head. He was just as insane as the rest of them. Just like in Napoleon Dynamite Lok had found entertainment in letting an action figure dangle out of the window while the other idiots watched on in amazement. His nails dug into the steering wheel as he turned the corner.
''Fuck.''
He parked the van and sighed, the squeals, grunts and occasional shaking of the van was the only thing that kept him aware of the hell he had bestowed upon himself, his skin would burn, the salt would fry his hair and possibly further injure his constantly spasming eye and his nails already chipped and broken would become even more brittle, oh and not to forget the headache..the headache he'd have from Rin's constant talking and clinging oh dear Kami.. the clinging!
Why had he done it..he stepped out of the car and shook his fist in the air, the wind picked up and his tangled hair swayed..with a final twitch of his eye he yelled out to the sun.
''Damn my love for you…HERBAL ESSENCE!''
Lok glanced over his shoulder while he carried the tube down the sandy steps to chuckle..He knew Sesshoumaru couldn't resist the urge for herbal.
''Oof!'' Kagome tripped over the last stair and went tumbling down; it was as if time had stopped as she slowly, very slowly fell..her hair swaying majestically in the wind..until she slammed into the heated sand. Whimpering she sat up in the sand, her lower lip trembling. She thought for sure Inuyasha would catch her. Looking up quickly she searched for her supposed silver-haired savior..
The bastard was talking to some girl, a girl that looked.. leaning closer she squinted her eyes. Oh Hell!! It's Ayame! That means..
''Kagome, my love.'' Her eye squinted much like Milo from the Oblongs as she leaned so far away from Kouga she ended up falling over.
Great Kami, whhhyyyy!
'' Tsubii, earlier today I…I'm so sorry. I just—I don't know what came over me. Here!'' Bowing her head Sammeh handed Tsubii the last Daifuku, she had stashed it in her beach bag and nearly forgotten about it..or eaten it. Tsubii's eyes sparkled as she stared at the Daifuku then to her friend.
'''Daiiiiiiii!'' she reached forward then snatched the Daifuku away, her body hunching over as she held the daifuku preciously in her hand, her eyes glazed as she muttered to herself.. ''oh daii..i'll never let you go..never, you are..my precious.''
Leaning over Tsubii's shoulder, Sammeh blinked once, then blinked twice..looking around she reached her hand over then plucked the daifuku out of Tsubii's hand, popping it into her mouth. Lying back on her beach chair she fixed her umbrella then sipped on some lemonade, her hand absently rubbing at her soft, warm abdomen.
The tortured scream of Tsubii was then heard, birds flew, children cried, and Lok sighed. Staring over at his girlfriend's hunched over, sobbing form he nodded to himself. Tsubii had to go to rehab.
''Kagome, are you okay?!'' Reaching over, Kouga pulled Kagome up instantly reaching for her beach bags; he started to walk over to the group, dragging a very stiff Kagome with him. He was so happy to hold her hand; he didn't even realize that she was muttering to herself.
''I can't believe he found us..here..ooff!'' a hand clamped over her mouth and she was dragged away. After being shoved under a dock she stared bewildered at the flaming, redheaded psycho known as Ayame. The girl was pacing, her fist shaking every so often as Kagome stared on in wonder. She continued to pace until Kagome raised her hand..'' Um, Aya—''
'Shut up! Don't you dare say my name..First! You go to the party with my man, you take him to the beach too!''
''Technically he fo—'''
''I said shut up!'' Ayame was suddenly in Kagome's face, her fist still shaking. She glared down at Kagome before standing up to pace again, muttering, '' I.. will harm you..I will bash you..aha!''
Swinging around, she cleared her throat before she pointed an accusing finger at Kagome.
''YOU STAY AWAY FROM KOUGA OR…I'LL MAKE YOU PAY!'' her hand fell, and she placed a hand on her chin..'' No, that isn't right, I could have sworn it started with a..'' she glanced to her forearm then cursed, her sharpie had washed off. When she looked up to confront Kagome again, the girl was gone.
''Kami, that girl is crazy..'' finally Kagome made it to her friends in peace, setting up her own beach things next to a now consoled Tsubii and Sammeh she smiled.
Things seem to be looking up for me.
Moments later a soaking wet Lok and Miroku came running up the beach, without any warning they scooped up their girlfriends and carried their squealing, giggling forms to the water before tossing them in. Miroku opting to spin Sammeh then fall in, his arms wrapped securely around her waist. The couples came up for air laughing moments later.. Kagome stared at them before tearing up.
'' ..dammit Inuyasha...''
Wrapping her legs loosely around Lok's waist, Tsubii's blonde hair swayed against the water, her emerald eyes glistening with happiness. She leaned in to nuzzle into Lok's shoulder before laying her head on it; she was just about to close her eyes when she saw Kagome on the beach. Gesturing to Sammeh she sighed, it was time for some ''girl time''.
Sammeh glared daggers at Tsubii the whole way up the beach, '' I told you this girl was trouble Tsub..'' pouting she glanced back to Miroku who's eyes were glued to the way her bathing suit clung to her wet skin, she grinned and blew him a kiss. He returned the gesture with a sexy smirk..she quickly turned back to Tsubii as she blushed.
''Sammeh, we have to be nice! We can't just invite her to the beach and ignore her..''
Her reply was curses and mutters.
Once at the beach Sammeh sat there and played the role of a good 'friend' well. Even though most of the time her eyes were wandering to the rivulets of water that fell down Miroku's chest.. she sighed then stared back at Kagome's teary form.
''I just..I don't even know what I did. I..I feel like were meant for each other.. Like.. You know that story about the priestess and the hanyou?'' she received nods. ''I feel like..''glancing around she then leaned in.'' I feel like..that could be Me and Inuyasha..'' Sammeh chuckled, then leaned back into her seat.
''Tsub sure knows how to pick 'em.''
While Tsubii continued to listen to Kagome's insane rants, Sammeh yawned and began to dig into the bag of snacks..she was damned in the mood for some pocky and chocolate frosting.
''Mmm…''her tongue danced and twirled in her mouth..it was just dammit like.. an orgy in her mouth.
''Oh Sesshoumaru..isn't it so..beautiful isn't it?'' Rin twirled around from her position at the top of the lightly grassy hill. She had found Sesshoumaru after some hard detective work . The fact that his eye kept twitching unnerved her but she had gotten him to let her brush his hair and now it was of some semblance of order.
The shuffling of the tree leaves was her only reply, turning slightly she stared over her shoulder before turning fully around, just as she was about to try and start up a new conversation with him she noticed he looked slightly more relaxed than a few minutes ago. Shrugging she sat down next to him, looking up she couldn't really tell if he was awake or asleep, giggling she continued to talk.
''You know Sesshoumaru..I've always had a crush on you and.'' A blush stained her cheeks as she twiddled with the blades of grass. The color of her cheeks flooded into her entire face.. '' would you like to go out for ice cream with me?!'' she closed her eyes and held her breath waiting for an answer.
When she didn't receive one she feared he had left her, opening her eyes she stared up to realize..the big jerk fell asleep! Just as she was about to scold him, he shifted..her wide chocolate brown eyes grew in size as she realized to her own horror..He was falling over!! She shifted to move out of his way but it was too late, Sesshoumaru fell onto her body leaving her trapped under his heavy form, his head fell on her breast and he nuzzled, his arms wrapping loosely around her waist as he mumbled..'' mmm..soft''
Somewhere between having Sesshoumaru fall on her, and his head resting on her breast. Rin had fainted and gotten a nosebleed leaving them both unconscious to the drama going on under the ledge.
''Pervert!'' a chair was thrown, '' I can't..'' an umbrella followed.'' I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!'' a tear-stricken Sammeh flung items at Miroku as she sobbed.
''Here I am trying to feed your damned child and you are flirting with some..some damned life guard! Dammit Miroku did you believe I would think you almost drowned?! You are the Captain of the fucking Swim Team, jackass!'' The next item thrown at him hurt worst than the chair and umbrella, the necklace he had given her on their three-month anniversary the necklace they had planned to give to the baby if it was a girl.
Grabbing a towel Sammeh stalked off, running over small children, stomping sand castles and flipping off the elderly.
Lok and Tsubii sat under Tsubii's umbrella handfuls of popcorn in each one's hand.
''Oooh, he really screwed up this time.''
Tsubii nodded then stared toward Sammeh's distraught form, she shuddered as the girl shoved a nearly 200lb man into the water. She'd wait till she cooled down before going to check on her. Lok eyed Miroku then threw some popcorn at him.
'' Go get her you fool!''
Miroku nodded before he jogged after his girlfriend, the cool air making him wish he had grabbed a towel as well. Staring up at the setting sun he sighed. He'd better find her before it got too dark.
Moments after Miroku ran after Sammeh, Kouga came up and sat next to Kagome, his arm wrapping over her shoulder.
'' Pfft, I'd never do that to my woman.''
Ayame who had watched the whole dispute walked up to where the group was, her emerald eyes filled with tears as she raised a hand to point at Kouga.
'' Kouga! I can't believe you..there I was trying to fee--, to get a nice tan for you and your cheating on me with some..some schoolgirl!'' sobbing, she stalked off in the same direction Sammeh went, knocking over sandcastles, attempting to push over the same man Sammeh knocked into the water..only thing is. The guy just wasn't having it. Picking her up he flung her into the water before going back to his children's sand castle.
No one moved to save Ayame who apparently couldn't swim, they only blinked in amazement.
Had she really tried to reenact the whole thing with Sammeh and Miroku..?
Once they realized that Ayame could not in fact swim, Tsubii being the nice girl she was jogged over to help, Lok following her lead only moments later. Sighing Tsubii patted her back as the girl coughed up large amounts of seawater and something that looked suspiciously like seaweed..
Inuyasha crept up the hill he saw his brother go up hours ago. He had spent all-day at the beach thinking of this plan. It was effin genius!
''Lord…Sesshoumaru..''' Inuyasha croaked from his perch high up in the trees.
Sesshoumaru quickly pulled his thumb from his mouth, his eyes widened, well one of his eyes. His left eye seemed to have a permanent squint to it after the Jaken incident.. JAKEN!
He sat up slowly, his eyes darting around quickly as he tried to slide away from ''Jaken'' he hoped he didn't realize he was awake..he'd be dammit screwed.
''Lord..I forgive you for throwing me in the water..burning me even! I love you..so much.'' Inuyasha nearly gagged at the prospect of loving his brother but he shrugged, getting this on camera was just too sweet. Adjusting himself in the tree he held the camera steady as he started up his next scene.
'' You'll never leave me…again!'' shifting a branch he brushed it against Sesshoumaru's shoulder, Sesshoumaru jolted up quickly turning around, his hands, legs..his whole body shaking.
The Great Sesshoumaru feared, he feared..
Inuyasha's voice reached an all-time high pitch as he flung a dead squirrel at Sesshoumaru's back
'' My loooveeeee…a saaacrifice… take it as a token of my love!'' fearing it was Jaken on his back; Sesshoumaru flung himself on the ground..or so he thought. He unfortunately had moved around too much on the hill and reached the ledge..
With a shrill scream Sesshoumaru fell off the ledge onto a poor Ayame who had just reached precious land, Sesshoumaru passed out a top the girl's back, her nails digging into the sand as she tried to claw her way away from the large man off her back, the sand in her eye causing it too to twitch.
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
Sammeh finally found a secluded place on the beach; wrapping the towel securely around herself she lowered her head onto her knees.
''I guess Kikyou was right, I am just a pregnant whore.'' Chuckling bitterly she ran her hands through her now dry hair she clenched her fist, tugging on her hair slightly as she choked out a sob. '' what am I going to do..'' lifting her head up she placed hand on the small bulge on her stomach.
Miroku heaved as he leaned against a palm tree, coughing he stood up and continued to walk. '' How damn far can a pregnant girl go!'' the wind blew again, chilling him. Shuddering he rubbed his arms before walking through a patch of trees. Once through it he saw her sitting at the edge of the sand staring at the water. He really had hurt her this time, sighing he shook his head. How many times am I going to break her heart?
Quietly he walked over to her, when he was just about to reach her, she turned her head to him quickly, her hair fanning around her before it rested back against her body creating a blanket around her, she curled tighter into a ball, her hair looking more like a security blanket as she stared up at him with big blue eyes.
For a moment time stopped as he stared at her, what could he say? Words couldn't defend what he had done. He had not only lied to her but he embarrassed her, as much as Lok, Tsubii, and Kagome were friends it was embarrassing to have your boyfriend, the soon to be father of your child still chasing after other women in front of your face. It seemed that this time.. words weren't needed.
Sammeh stood from the sand, absently dusting herself off. She moved to walk away from him her bangs shielding her eyes, just when she was about to walk away Miroku reached his arm out looping it around her waist, pulling her to him he rested his chin on her head, holding her for all it was worth. It was then that her tears fell, pelting him on his shoulder. He rocked her slightly as he let her cry, this time he understood.
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
This bond they had was forever.
After waving a goodbye to a disgruntle Kouga and a happy Ayame the group made their way over to the van. After packing up their stuff everyone settled into the van. Sesshoumaru who was shaking too badly had opted to sit in the middle where he could be as he said. ' protected from all sides.'
Lok checked the rear-view mirror, mentally doing a head count of everyone.. Sammeh and Miroku were cuddled up next to each other, both he noted in a somber mood and that Sammeh now wore her necklace again. Tsubii had fallen asleep against the door, smiling he brushed some of her hair out of her face, Kagome was staring out the window and Inuyasha was chuckling at his video camera. Nodding he backed the van up then pulled off.
Yawning Rin, rubbed her eyes stretching she released all the kinks she felt from laying down so long.
'' Gee! That was such a good nap..'' opening her eyes her jaw fell, where..where the hell was Sesshoumaru! Scrambling she ran to the ledge careful not to fall over she peered over to see everyone was gone. Running down the hill she ran to the parking lot to watch in horror as the van rolled down the hill..her eyes teared up then it twitched.
'' How..could they forget me?'' she let out a shrill scream as she watched the van's light disappear further from her view until it was gone.
She was doomed!
When they were just about to go over the bridge back into the city Lok checked his rear-view mirror again.
'' Hey, where's Rin?''
A/N: Lol. I never really cared for Rin in the fanfics as an 'older' kid. She should still be the ''loli'.
Hope you all enjoyed my version of Welcome to My Insane Life! Tootles!
---Sammeh.