Seasons Beatings

Chapter 1

"Seasons greetings everyone! spread the love!" Krit ignored the scary red fat man ringing the bell. Why is it this time of year everyone pretends they like each other? Everyone sounds like a bunch of hippies this time of year, but why what is the cause of this. She turned and looked at the man ringing the bell. Its him, Santa Clause, I must make it my life's goal to find this fat man, but I will need help. Pulling out her remote, Krit opened a portal and went inside.

Shikamaru was watching clouds one day, not thinking of anything in particular when all of a sudden there was a great flash of light. It seemed familiar and when he looked up he remembered why.

"Hello Shika did you miss me?!" Krit yelled opening her arms as if expecting to get a hug. Instead of giving her a hug though he got up and tried to run away. "Hey you little bastard, get your ass back here!" she ran after him then remember what she had done to him before and decided to use the remote again; taking the remote out she pressed a button and Shikamaru's body jerked and he fell to the ground. "Bad Shika, bad, no more trying to run away," Krit scolded him.

"I can't feel my legs," complained Shikamaru, trying to move, so far all he could move was his finger tips. After a while he was able to get up and move around. "You should put that thing at a lower setting."

"It is on the lowest setting," Krit informed him before dragging him in a random direction.

"Ware are you taking me?"

"I need to get the others that are in my service."

"Who?!"

They soon were able to find there way to the training area, even though it took a little while, ("your lost" "am not, I just don't know ware I am"). There they were able to find Sasuke. "Hey stupid, come here!" Krit yelled across the field at Sasuke. This got his attention, when he say who it was there was only one thing he could think of saying.

"Can I have some orange soda?" he said this rather dazed.

"Sorry, you have a addictive nature with orange soda, that and the last time you had it you started to act more like savage kitty."

"Hey I remember that," Shikamaru put in.

"How, you were hiding in a garbage can?" asked Sasuke.

"Enough both of you we, need to get the last member of are little party," Krit said this with way to much enthusiasm. "Ware can we find Neji?" asked Krit.

"He is still the asylum, after you fried his brain with your insanity," said Shikamaru.

"I didn't fry his brain, just made him a little happier."

"Someone should burn a hazard sign on to you," put in Sasuke.

After slapping Sasuke, Krit drug them to the asylum ware she hoped to rescue Neji from the white coats. At the asylum they met there first challenge, it was in white clothes, wore to much makeup and sat behind a dead tree.

"Yes can I help you?" asked the evil creature.

"Were here to see Hyuga Neji," said Krit nervously; she didn't like the thing looking at her.

"He isn't allowed visitors," it said bluntly.

"Well, ummmm uh ummmm can we just see him for a minute?"
"No, he is in intensive care."

"CARE, YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT THEY ARE TRYING TO DESROY ALL THAT I HAVE DONE! Oh shit"

"You did that to him?" Krit say her pressing a couple of buttons. Krit could think of only one thing to do.

"REMOVE THE PENGUIN SHIT FROM YOUR EYES AND SEE THE DEMONS THAT LIVE IN YOUR FINGERNAILS YOU EVIL BITCH!" and with that Krit grabbed it by the back of the head and slammed its face into the desk. "Hurry to the Intensive Care Unit with that they ran into through a door that was labeled I. C. U (I see you lol). Running down the hall they started opening random doors. After releasing about 17 psychopaths from their cells they finally found Neji's room.

"Come my friend we must go!" yelled Krit. Neji jumped up and ran toward her.

"WOOH GET THE HUGY JACKET OFF! IT IS EATING MY ARMS!" yelled Neji. Krit pulled out a knife and cut him loose, hearing sirens Krit decided that it was time to go. She quickly opened a portal and pulled everyone through it.

Soon they were in a old broken down house in the middle of a desert. "Wooh that was fun now we have work to do!" Krit yelled punching the air. Shikamaru and Neji were looking around the house.

"This place seems familiar," said Shika.

"Hey isn't this the place we hid at when we burned down Vegas?" asked Neji.

"Yep I use this place as a hide out when the FBI are after me."

"I would have thought the up side down fire truck outside would have tipped someone off," sad Shikamaru.

"Nope, people are stupid, now as I said we have work to do, there is evil here and we must get rid of it!"

"What kind of evil?" asked Sasuke warily, mostly because Krit version of "evil" was very twisted

"The whole planet is being deceived, and me being the hyper intelligent being that I am, have noticed it!" she said over dramatically.

"Hyper intelligent? I think only half of that is right," said Shikamaru.

"Yah your right, I'm not very hyper." Krit said while clearing the table off. "Alright we need to find the source of the supreme evil, there is a rumor that he lives in the North Pole but I think that is a rumor he spread to kick people off his track. I mean who the fuck would live there, there are no natural resources for him to get anything, so I don't think he is there."

"Well who are we after anyway?" asked Sasuke.

"Santa Clause," Krit said in a eerie voice, pulling out a picture of a fat man in a flying sled pulled by reindeer.

"Well what has he done and why haven't anyone taken care of it before?" asked Shikamaru.

"His cover story is that he is the nicest person on the face of the earth , gives toys to good little children of the world and has happy little elves working for him and some really nice kids may get to go one the Polar Express ware they get to visit the real Santa Clause and blah, blah, blah. BULLSHIT. Here is a list of crimes that I have found him guilty of, braking and entering the fat fuck brakes into every house on the planet, pedophile 'he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake'. Slaver driver do you think those elves really work all year round with out a brake because they want to. Kidnapping the polar express is a cover story to get more slaves, and the last is the worst animal cruelty by expose to radioactive matter causing biochemical mutation."

"Wait, ware the fuck did that last bit come from?" asked Neji. Krit looked at Neji with a look that said, "what the hell did they do to you when I was gone," shaking her head Krit went on to explain.

"Reindeer, a large deer with large branched antlers in both males and females. Native to: northern and Arctic regions. Latin name: Rangifer tarandus. They don't fly and are generally timid creatures, So not only are they pulling this fat bozos slay; there flying around and one in particular is glowing red. That along suggests being exposed to a large amount of nuclear radiation, also these deer don't die and neither does the

fat bastard behind all of this. I can understand why the elves don't die they are immortal, but how is it that this weird ass fat guy in red suit lives forever? I have finally figured it out along with the true location of his base, Santa Clause is from space and he has turned those reindeer into flesh eating zombies; and his base is located on Venus." Krit finished slamming her fist onto the table, Neji spoke first.

"I fucking new it!"

"Has anyone ever called you crazy before?" asked Shikamaru, at first Krit didn't say anything as she started writing something down but then they all herd a low mumbling noise.
"Crazy?! I was once, they took me away and put me in a white padded box, it made me go crazy. Crazy?! I was crazy once, they took me away and put me in a white padded box, it made me go crazy." after repeating this a few more times she seemed to come out of her little chant. "Anyway what were you saying? I kind of zoned out."

"Nothing important, what is the plain of attack," said Shikamaru with new enthusiasm.

First we need to get to Venus, then we must navigate through a labyrinth of underground tunnels that Santa had the elves carve for slave pens. From there we must navigate are way to the Happy Holidays Beam.

"The what?!" asked Sasuke.

"It is a beam that Santa shoots at the earth to make everyone happy and be more charitable. Anyway from there we must also free all of the slaves, put the reindeer out of there misery and kill Santa Clause, any questions?" Shikamaru raised his hand.

"Just one, how are we getting there?"

Standing up Krit walked over to the couch, "that is easy, we will take the Anti-Santa Mock 13 Space Shuttle," with that she pressed a button on the couch and it opened up and she pulled the three of them onto a metal platform and the started to decanted. "Welcome gentlemen to the secret base of the Anti-Santa-Squad, you are now proud members of A.S.S," she said happily as they entered a ungrounded base ware they say a huge shuttle and other things that James Bond would envy. On the side of the shuttle it said in big red letter World Against Santa.

"What the fuck did Santa Clause do to piss you off so much, that you would dedicate your life to forming a secret organization to destroying him," asked Sasuke a little nervously.

"All I wanted was a couple vials of Polonium 210 and he didn't get me any. That fat bastard will pay for crushing my dreams and making it imposable for me to take control of the planet by age 4. Besides I haven't dedicated my life to this, just a small portion of it. Everything we need is inside this ship ready to go?"

They looked a little nervous but they slowly walked toward the ship.

"Oh and there is coffee, and orange soda on board," Krit put in. This made Neji and Sasuke forget their fear as they instantly jumped on. Shikamaru didn't though, he was just watching Krit. "You know there is something on there for you to Shika."

"What, a way home."

"Better," Krit pulled out a green can that said AMP on the side of it. "This will make you feel a lot better, plus it will give you a little more pep. Of course the way you are you'll still have a semi-level head, so drink up," with that she gave the can to Shikamaru. Slowly he started to sip at the beverage, "oh one more thing Shika, don't let Sasuke or Neji have that, or me for that matter. Unless it is a emergency like no hope emergency then give it to one of us," with that said they got into the ship.

A/N: I had planned this to be a one shot but it has turned into something a little longer then that. At most it will be 3 chapters long. Anyway if you haven't read Orange soda you probably should seeing as I have made quite a few references to it, (it is funny and all should read it). REVIEWS ARE COOL!