Disclaimer: I own none of these characters (though I'm sure we all wish we did). Nope, not even close, because you see college student poor (so please don't sue).
Apologies
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As the lecture hall emptied out Ben gathered his notes and grabbed his jacket and bag from the chair. It was his last class of the week and typically he would have been exhausted enough. To add to his state there was the added pressure of the situation with Michael crushing down on him from every direction.
This situation was that which occupied his thoughts as he unlocked his bike and began the ride home. There were aspects of his situation which Michael could not possibly understand. As much as he tried, and as much as Ben strove to explain it, there was just no way the two could be on the same level of understanding. He hadn't planned for the party. In fact, after the news he had received he had not even planned to join Michael for dinner as he had promised. He was hoping to get Michael to stay in with him so he could share and anguish over the news the doctors had given him.
He stopped his bike abruptly. Something within him had led him not to his own apartment, but to Michael's. He stared at the building with a feeling of foreboding. He had to see Michael and he had to make this right.
He leaned his bicycle against the side of the building and pushed open the door. Paying no attention he let his feet guide him on the familiar path up to Michael's door.
All he could think about was how horribly scared he was. He was sick. There was no denying that now. As much as he had attempted to maintain the kind of lifestyle that would stop it the disease had progressed. He was afraid of the disease getting worse. And his birthday had just passed, another year gone. Any year after twenty-nine was no longer marked with quite the enthusiasm which had once existed. Being sick made him even more concerned with the years that passed. However, the one thing he was really afraid of right now was losing Michael.
He raised a hand and knocked.
After a moment the door opened. The smile across his face made Ben certain he had been expecting someone else. Probably Brian was what the nagging voice in the back of his head told him.
Michael's smile quickly faded. He backed away from the door and turned to walk across the room, leaving it open behind him.
Ben knew that was as close as he was going to get to an invitation inside so he stepped through the entrance and closed the door behind him.
"I've missed you the last few nights," the first thing that came to mind spilled out of his mouth.
"Yeah, well I thought it'd be best if I slept alone." There was no hiding the venom in Michael's voice. "In fact, I think that I ought to sleep alone from now on."
Ben didn't want that.
"Michael please, I know I got a little upset at the party-"
"A little? Upset?" Michael's voice rose, "You were a fucking monster! Humiliating me. Humiliating yourself."
"I know that too."
Michael barely seemed to hear him, just continued on his rant. "And after all the trouble I went through for you!"
"I know. I know." Ben said at the same time. Again Michael didn't seem to even be listening to him. Ben did not know how he was going to get through to Michael if he couldn't even get his attention or break it to him that there was a problem.
"Well, I won't be doing that again!" Michael shook his head, "Not that it matters, because I don't think we're going to be spending any more birthdays-"
"My T-cells went down." The words spilled out of Ben's mouth. It wasn't exactly how he'd wanted to break the news to Michael, or how he had wanted to get his attention, but both needed to be done, and he needed Michael quiet to articulate his own apology.
Michael froze, "What?"
"And my viral load's back up," Ben continued. If this was going to be their starting point he might as well get it all out in the open at once.
Michael stared at him for a moment, eyes wide as a deafening silence passed between them.
"How up?"
"A hundred and twenty-five thousand," Ben replied, "cocktail's not working. The virus has become resistant."
He nodded, more to himself than to Michael who was openly staring.
"Well, can't they change the drugs?" Michael asked. His voice was much softer now.
"They already have," Ben replied flatly. He leaned back against the wall to the kitchen and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket.
"Since when do you smoke?' Michael's lecturing tone reminded Ben vaguely of the stories of Deb. He took a few strides across the room as Ben dug in his pocket for a lighter. He appreciated the concern but at the moment, as he was reliving the news the doctor's had given him, he was worked up.
"Since I'm nervous Michael," he pulled the cigarette from his mouth and looked down at the younger man looking up at him. Whenever Michael looked at him he felt as though he was up on some pedestal being respected as something higher than he deserved, not to mention those deep eyes seemed as though they could look right through him.
"Will you stop looking at me like that?" He asked, diverting his own eyes from Michael's face.
"Please. I am not perfect you know." He brushed past Michael and walked deeper into the living room.
"Yeah, I'm finding that out." His voice, for the first time since Ben had entered the apartment was back to its normal, calm tone.
Ben continued, "God knows I have tried; eastern religion, meditation, yoga. You name it; I have practiced it, hoping to achieve some state of inner harmony."
He paused. He had been worrying about all of these factors since he had seen his doctor, but without someone around who would even try to understand there was no reason to articulate the concern.
"And then this happened and I realize the only thing I have achieved is to convince myself that I believe all this bullshit."
"It's not bullshit." Michael stepped right up in front of him, his voice firm.
Ben turned to him, his expression soft, "I hurt you Michael. I hurt the one person who means more to me than anyone else in the world and there's no excuse for it. There's no… there's just no excuse at all." He ducked his head for a moment before looking back up to meet Michael's concerned eyes.
Michael took a few steps to close the distance between him and raised his hands to rest them on Ben's shoulders.
"Sure there is," he caught Ben's eyes with his own, "You're human."
Ben's gaze focused in on Michael's face. Very slowly he lifted a hand to Michael's cheek. He leaned in and kissed Michael's forehead as he wrapped his other arm around him, closing it around the fabric of Michael's shirt and pulling him close.
"I am so sorry," he whispered against Michael's forehead.
"I know," Michael's arms slid up around Ben's neck, "And it's all right."
"No, it's not."
As Ben turned his head to look Michael in the face again Michael caught his lips. Ben knew that kissing Michael was not the way to resolve the problem, but he hadn't even seen him in days and he just… he needed to be kissing him. He kissed back, pulling Michael flush against him.
When Michael did finally pull back he looked at Ben with those wide eyes, "So what did the doctor say?"
"Michael…" Ben needed to apologize.
"No, it's all right," Michael told him. "Ben, you took me back when I had my doubts about dating a positive guy. If you could forgive me for listening to my friends instead of myself then I can forgive you for getting upset after hearing that kind of news. If I'd known I never would have thrown that party."
Ben thought about this for a moment. It was the truth in more simple terms. True, the two situations were not quite the same but as far as Michael was concerned they would be.
"I'm sure I would have loved the party if I hadn't gotten that news," he told Michael genuinely.
"Yeah, I hope so," Michael agreed, "Now tell me what's going on. Are you okay?"
Ben nodded. "I have to go back in a few weeks to check in again. They changed the meds, so they're going to see how that works. Hopefully it does. In the meantime I just have to go on doing what I always do."
"Maybe you should take some time off," Michael said, concern evident in his voice. "Take a vacation or something."
He kissed Michael quickly, "If I did that every time I got bad news about this disease I would turn into one of those cases where the patient just gives up and lets himself die. I don't want to do that."
Finally he took a seat on the couch. Michael sat down next to him.
"They told me the same thing when I was first diagnosed; I had to go on living. I'm glad I did."
"Why?" Michael asked. He was thinking of Vic's trip to Italy, Ben was sure of that.
"If you were so upset when you got this news then-"
"Because if I hadn't kept going I wouldn't have moved here. I wouldn't have gotten my professorship at the school either, and you know how much I love my job."
Michael nodded.
"And I wouldn't have met you." He reached over and grabbed Michael by the hips and pulled him firmly. Michael allowed himself to be pulled and Ben settled the younger man onto his lap. He kissed him slowly.
"And that would have been worst of all."
Michael leaned forward and kissed at Ben's collarbone. He buried his face against the place where neck and shoulder met and sighed deeply.
"You okay?" Ben asked.
Michael was quiet for a long time, and Ben wrapped both arms around him. He had an idea what was running through Michael's head.
"Michael?" he tried again, gently.
"Is it bad that I'm scared?" he asked quietly. "I mean, after all me and my mom have been through with Uncle Vic I just-"
"Don't want anything to happen to me?" Ben finished for him, "I know. It's a setback, but it's not the end of the world. I don't plan to let it be." He made Michael sit back and noted the concern across his face.
"Don't be scared." He told him. He appreciated the way Michael wore his heart on his sleeve more than many of his other admirable qualities. For one reason or another Ben found it particularly endearing.
"How can I not?"
"You've just got to go on living," Ben told him. "Nothing can be different."
Michael sat there looking at him for a moment before a smile began tugging at the corners of his mouth. He leaned in and kissed Ben hard, pressing him to the back of the couch.
Ben kissed back. His wrapped his arms around Michael and slid his hands up under the back of his thin t-shirt. The feel of Michael's warm skin under his fingers was familiar; he had missed it. He pushed at the shirt until Michael obligingly listed his arms and allowed Ben to pull it over his head. With that done Michael made quick work of the buttons on Ben's shirt, sliding it off as Ben sat forward a bit, hands securely on Michael's waist.
Ben allowed himself to be pushed against the back of the couch again, cupping one hand behind Michael's head and pulling him in further. He was beyond the point of thinking and worrying now; he just wanted Michael as close to him as possible.
Luckily it seemed that Michael had the same idea.
He pulled back from Ben's kiss and sat back so that they could look each other in the face. His eyes were warm, and the smirk across his face was trouble.
"Come on," he said quietly as he climbed off of Ben's lap.
Ben looked at him, confused.
"What?" he asked Michael as he scooted forward a few inches, reaching to grab his lover's hand and pull him back down to the couch. "What are you doing Michael?"
Michael raised an eyebrow and asked, "Do you think you're the only one who's missed having someone the last few nights?" He motioned in the direction of his bedroom with a nod.
Ben did not need any more prompting than that. Every pressure, every worry, every fear was gone as he closed the door of Michael's bedroom behind him.
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A/N: Hey all, I'm new to the qaf fandom. I also write in the Newsies and Rent fandoms if anyone has an interest in reading more. This is the kind of stuff I like to write, expansions on scenes, so a few more of them will probably pop up as I finally get to see seasons 4 and 5 (damn youtube).
Anyway, if you liked this I would greatly appreciate a review. I'm minoring in writing at school so critique the grammar all you want. I appreciate all kinds of feedback (well, not so much the 'Awsome!!!11 Right MORE' variety /sarcasm ), but feedback is better than grades in class so thanks.
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