"Need You Now"
Each time I hear this song (credit: Lady Antebellum) I think of Benson and Stabler, so I just had to do something with it. Setting is a week after episode 1 of season 13. Enjoy!
...
He can't believe he's actually done it.
He has called her.
After weeks of silence between them, dozens of ignored calls and messages, he has caved.
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.
She's stopped calling a while ago and that had bothered him. He knows he's been an asshole. He should have picked up long ago. Should have answered her and not ignored her. He can't blame her for stopping. But it bothers him. He's listened to all her voice messages a thousand times and her voice alone has helped him get through the darkest weeks of his life. Her voice, pleading with him to talk to her. To talk to someone. Anyone. To let her know he is alright. And he has ignored her and then she stopped calling eventually. She has gone on with her life without him and he wonders if she ever thinks about him anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
And now he's done it.
He's called her.
And she didn't answer.
He wants to hurl his phone at the nearest wall but he doesn't do it. His frustration is nothing compared to what she must have felt all those weeks. So he calls again and leaves a message. And now he waits.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
She can't believe it.
He's called her.
After weeks of silence between them, dozens of ignored calls and messages, she has finally received a sign of life from him. Part of her has been numb while another part of her has continued to wait for him to come strolling into the squad room one day, as if nothing has happened. Everything would finally return to normal then.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
But he hasn't come. He hasn't returned and then last week, Cragen told her he's put his papers in. Just like that. The part of her that had continued to wait for him, died that morning and she's been completely numb ever since. The only thing keeping her going now is helping other people not be numb anymore. She keeps going for the victims. The survivors. And she hates herself for thinking about him still.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
She listens to his message for the third time. It's really him. It's his voice. That low voice she's missed hearing and that sends a chill down her spine, even now, even if it's distorted because it's a phone message.
"Liv, I'm sorry. Please pick up. I need ..."
He sighs then and she wants to cry because hearing him sigh hurts her so badly. It cuts through her numbness like a knife.
"I just ..."
She swallows hard because she hears him swallow.
"Can we meet? Please?"
That last word is her undoing. It's a mere whisper but it keeps echoing in her mind. She remembers the countless times she got no answer and she wants him to feel what she's felt. The sheer powerlessness, not being able to reach someone.
Please, he whispers inside her head. He sounds desperate and his despair resonates with her because it's what she's felt, until she decided to stop feeling altogether. But no matter how hard she tries not to feel, not to feel anything, not to feel anything for him, she can't stop it. Not now. Not even after drinking almost an entire a bottle of wine. She doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. And then she grabs her phone again and presses the call button. She caves.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Their conversation is brief. Extremely brief. They have never needed a lot of words anyway.
"Liv."
"Yeah."
"God, Liv."
"Where are you?"
"143 Bowery, China Town."
"Wait for me."
"I will. Thanks Liv."
She must be out of her mind to rush outside to hail a cab after midnight. She has no idea how he's doing but it doesn't seem to matter. The way he sighed her name tells her everything she needs to know. He needs her. Nothing else matters. And so she goes to him. She doesn't feel numb anymore. She doesn't know how she will find him at that hotel but she knows he's there and it's enough. Her heart beats again. She is going to him, not because she's drunk but because it's the only thing to do. She needs him too.
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
He waits for her, the door to his room wide open. He knows she's on her way. It's as if he can feel her getting closer and his heart beats again. It's been hell without her. He tried to do it, he honestly did, but he can't do it anymore. He can't deny it anymore and he thinks his wife knows that's why he is in this hotel room now. He knows it's wrong what they are doing but Olivia is on her way and there is no going back now. He needs her and he knows she knows it. She wouldn't have told him to wait for her if she didn't.
He's checked into the cheapest room in the city he could find, a dorm style room that is rented out to men only. He has to share the bathroom with other guests but he doesn't care. He just wanted to be alone. He doesn't know if he's ever moving back to Queens. Maybe after tonight, he'll know what to do. They've always managed to help each other focus on what's important.
Right now, he is completely focused on her. Olivia. His partner. For better or worse he told her once and he knows he shouldn't have left the way he has. He can only hope it isn't too late for them. Knowing she is rushing over to see him without even asking why he's decided to call her now, should tell him it isn't too late. She'll be here soon.
She can barely form a coherent thought as she stares out the window of the cab. It's dark and it's chilly outside but she doesn't feel it. She hasn't even bothered to grab her coat. All she can think of is him. Her partner, for better or worse. He needs her. The emotion in his voice tells her she has been on his mind this whole time and he aches for her like she aches for him.
Please.
She has caved, giving in to her own need for him. She can be angry tomorrow and yell at him for ignoring her calls. She is too weak to ignore his call tonight.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Their eyes lock and they are drawn to each other like two magnets.
His arms are around her and she closes her eyes, her breath catching in her throat. She inhales his scent and she's back there with him in the squad room. In the interrogation room. In their car. In the courtroom. She breathes again.
She is trembling and he holds her tighter, burying his nose in her long dark hair. His breathing is ragged and he can't find the words to tell her how happy he is to see her again. Happy doesn't begin to cover it. He feels as if he's been out in the freezing cold for too long and someone has finally pulled him into a warm, comfortable house. A home. He feels like he's coming home.
He pulls her into his small hotel room and locks the door behind them. She pushes him up against the door, her palms on his chest, and anger flashes in her eyes when she hisses,
"What took you so long!"
He opens his mouth to speak but no sound comes out. He is still holding her and he wants to tell her that he's scared shitless of what they may unleash in each other and of the consequences if they do this. That he's tried to deny it. Then tried to forget it. But it's too strong and he just couldn't stay away anymore.
She's staring into his eyes. It's as if she's reading his mind and he lowers his head, sighing.
"I know," Olivia whispers and he is overcome with emotion when he realizes that she truly does. She knows what he's been thinking and she understands.
"I'm scared too," Olivia admits.
Then his lips are on hers and she moans. She knew this was going to happen but she's hardly had time to realize it. His kiss, his taste is intoxicating. He's been drinking too and they drink each other in, remembering each other and giving in to everything they were never allowed to give in to as partners. They shouldn't be doing it now either but they need it.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Their tongues tangle and her hands are all over him, tugging his shirt up and roaming his chest and back. He whips his shirt off and tosses it across the room.
His lips travel from her mouth to her neck and collarbone, and then down to her chest. She arches into his touch and her shirt follows his to the floor.
Their bodies tell their stories the way no words could. Not for them. They can talk in the morning. Right now, they just need. They need to feel, to breathe, to live again. They move as one, in sync like they used to be, but together in a way they never dared to be. Skin on skin, bodies merging together until neither of them knows where one ends and the other begins. They whisper as they get closer to the edge. They whisper each others' names and other words that are only spoken between lovers in the dark.
His body covers hers completely but she knows he isn't overpowering her.
She surrenders to him but he knows he isn't in control.
Neither of them is in control. This thing between them has been out of their control from the beginning. Maybe they needed to be apart for them to realize it, only to be pulled together again by these ties that bind them. That make them inseparable, even when separated. That make their hearts yearn for each other, no matter how much time passes by. That make them give in to each other now, all consequences be damned.
I just need you now.
Oh, baby, I need you now.
...