Remus watched as Dumbledore sat down at the end of the table, causing silence to fall. Dumbledore looked around for a moment, before asking Moody to give his report on the situation inside of the Auror department; Kingsley and Tonks elaborated somewhat, and then Arthur said his bit. Snape gave his report and then I updated them on the latest news of the recent mission I had been out on.
All Order meeting were the same: Dumbledore would sit down, ask everyone to give a report and then tell all he knew. I would sit next to Sirius, listening intently, give my opinion when I felt it was needed, but mostly I watched Sirius. He always sat silently, unless asked a question. I knew he felt he couldn't do anything useful, was the reason for his silence. Sirius was not a silent person, nor was he one to keep his opinions to himself.
But one glance from Snape, a look insinuating that he was useless, kept him quiet, even though he'd never admit it. When I'd ask him why he hadn't spoken through a whole meeting, or not voiced his opion on something we had previously discussed, he would reply that he just didn't have anything to say. He seemed even more solemn with the arrival of Harry approaching. Sure, he was excited to see Harry, but also nervous.
I told him Harry wouldn't judge him; that he would understand that Sirius couldn't leave the house. That Harry wouldn't think badly of him because he couldn't go out on missions for the Order. But Sirius would merely shrug and excuse himself. I think he feels as though he should be doing something, anything for Harry; for James.
I try to get through to Sirius, try to tell him that James death was not his fault; that, yes, it's unfortunate that Harry had to grow up with those foul muggles, but that he, Sirius, could not have done anything. He was not to be blamed, Peter and Volimort were the ones at fault. But he never listened, I don't think he can see that no one blames him, that everyone realizes that he was only trying to protect Lily and James.
I try to tell him that I don't blame him for suspecing me, and that I forgive him. I tell him that in all fairness I, too, though he was guilty. I can't imagine what Azkaban must have done to him. To grow up in Hell with his family who hated him, have his best friends ripped from him, to be thrown into prison while being innocent, and then trapped in the very house and esence of everything he tried so hard to get away from.
True, life was not easy for me. Being feared, and shunned. Not being able to get a job; poverty, doing what I can for money. All the while dealing with the loss of the only friends I ever had, the only people who ever excepted me. Believing my one best friend who was alive betrayed us all. But even through all that, I still cannot imagine what this must be like for him, how hard it must be.
He loves Harry, that I know, and I hope someday he'll get to live in peace and finally get to know his Godson; his only link to what was lost. I know he fears getting to close to Harry; not wanting to replace James, afraid that Harry might not want him. But I also know that Harry loves Sirius, and that he longes for somebody to love him; to have a family. Sirius is all he's got, and Harry is all Sirius has. And they are all I've got, all I need.