Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS.
A/N: Another well-done episode. Those Tony/Ziva scenes, though... obviously they want to reduce us all to total emotional wrecks. Congrats, NCIS, you've managed to tear my heart out yet again. Are you proud of yourself?
The pain that he'd felt over Ziva's lack of trust in him to take care of her Mini was utterly eclipsed by this.
Unfortunately, he can be quite a child.
The words stung. Was that what she really thought of him? After all they'd been through, all he'd done for her?
What came next was almost worse.
She'd slept with pretty-boy Adam. And recently, at that.
(She'd acted as though he was being ridiculous in Berlin, but he'd known there was something there, damn it. Should have trusted his instincts.)
Equally bad, she'd obfuscated about sleeping with Adam, obviously not trusting him enough to tell him the truth.
And then came the knock-out blow.
It was a moment of weakness… I felt alone.
Betrayal twisted painfully in his gut, hollowing out his insides.
She'd felt alone? After he'd told her – told her, in Hebrew no less – that she wasn't, never would be as long as he had anything to say about it?
He'd thought that they were getting closer, moving towards something, but clearly he'd been the only one making any movement. She'd been shutting him out since Day One. Why should these past few months have been any different?
(But he'd really thought… well, she had been sharing things with him lately, even if he'd had to dig them out of her. Hadn't she? And that counted for something, right? Right?)
He really should have learned his lesson by now. But he knew himself for a fool; no matter how much he might vow to keep his distance, she'd draw him back in every time.
And although they stood only a few feet apart at the crime scene, he'd never felt their distance so keenly.
He'd never felt so alone.
-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-
Tony walked away from her and she stood in the dim hallway blinking back tears.
Adam had meant nothing. Sleeping with him had been purely a matter of physical comfort. She had never expected that it would come back to bite her so badly.
But it had. And it was clear that her actions had hurt Tony.
She should have called him while she was in Israel. She knew she should have called him. He would have listened. If need be, he would have come. (Truly, she did not deserve him.)
But breaking the habits of a lifetime was not so easy, and fear and emotional self-preservation had ruled the day. She had been scared, scared of how close they were getting. Scared of opening herself up any further to pain.
Only now it was Tony who was in pain and it was all her fault.
More than sleeping with Adam, however, she regretted her choice of words. It had been true, of course – she had felt alone; horribly, soul-achingly alone – but to say so to the man who had taken the time to tell her otherwise in her mother tongue must have come across as a callous dismissal of his actions. And that was the absolute last thing that she had wanted.
Taking one last second to compose herself, she let out a shaky breath. Then, steeling herself, she rejoined the team at the crime scene.
And although she stood within touching distance of Tony, a gulf yawned between them.
Surrounded by her makeshift family, she felt more alone than ever.