"Thank you," Jaina said, and walked past the secretary's desk into the commander's office.
Gavin Darklighter sat in an executive's chair behind his work desk. He gave her a warm smile behind his beard; she grinned halfheartedly, and saluted him. Returning the salute, he gestured to a chair across from him. "Please, make yourself comfortable."
Jaina could feel a knot form in her stomach. That would be very difficult, considering what she was here for. "Thanks," she sat down at the chair and took a slow, calming breath.
"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"
It took Jaina a moment to work past the knot that restricted her voice. At first, the habit of looking at her boots tried to control her; she forced herself to look directly into Gavin's green eyes. "You have already done more than enough for me, Colonel." Jaina felt his heart warm at her comment, but before he could thank her, she continued. "Um, I know that I have already taken a lot of time away from the Squadron, time that would have been better spent here, but I'm here to request a further leave of absence."
"Oh?" Gavin face became more serious. "For what reason?"
"My aunt has recently given birth, and I've been unable to contact her." Her gaze flickered to the floor momentarily, but she steadied her gaze on his face. "Due to the events that just took place, I think it would be better for us both if I went away for a little while. I could go visit her and see how she is doing."
Gavin leaned forward across his desk. "Jaina, you don't have to worry about what is better for me. You have your own job to worry about."
"Look, Colonel, you shouldn't have to stick your neck out for me twice. I felt I was being treated unfairly when you suggested I extend my leave indefinitely, but then I realized the position you were putting yourself into by keeping me. It didn't even dawn on me the dangerous political game you were playing, all in an attempt to be fair. Believe me, if I had known. I wouldn't have questioned your authority."
"Rogue Squadron isn't about what is and is not politically correct. This is a military force--my job is to have the best pilots on call to defend against the Yuuzhan Vong. I certainly wasn't doing my job by grounding one of the finest pilots I have ever commanded."
Jaina swallowed hard. "But this time I was the one who made the mistake. I should have seen through Kyp and I didn't. It was a horrible mistake on my part; I can't blame this one on politics--only myself. And I'm certainly not going to allow my stupid errors to jeopardize your job."
"Don't let his arrogant ideas invade your good judgement, Jaina." Desperation was seeping into his voice. "It was him that was at fault, not you. Don't take responsibility for his mistake."
"But the rest of the squadron sides with his ideas. Since I'm against them, our relationship will poison your position. I don't want that to happen, and I don't want them to be against you."
"My job is to deal with insubordination." He was loosing her. "Let me do my job."
The knot was rendering her speechless. "Please, Gavin. Don't make this harder for me than it already is."
Gavin. The pleading tone she had used chilled him to the bone. For a long moment they sat there, regarding each other. She held him with an even stare, but he could sense her pain in the way she sat, frozen. She looked sad--he could only imagine the frustration and disappointment of the past few months. Finally, with a heavy sigh, he nodded.
"I'm sorry to loose you, Jaina. Please, return to us when you can--and may the Force be with you."
"Thank you, Colonel," she whispered, barely audible. She saluted him quickly, then strode out of the room before the tears spilled down her cheeks.
Gavin watched her exit the room. After she was out of earshot, he slammed his hand down on the stack of papers beside him and scattered them. Running his hands through his hair, he silently cursed to himself. He sat at his desk, fuming for a moment. Then he picked up his comlink that had flown across the floor with his papers and flicked it to a private frequency.
"Antilles, here."
"Wedge, can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, Gavin. What is it?"
Gavin fumed a little longer, then spoke. "Provide some words of encouragement to Lieutenant Solo. That poor girl has been through hell and back."
A momentary pause, then, "Will do. Antilles, out."
Gavin flicked off his comlink. "I hate politics," he muttered.
Jaina stood by her dresser, stuffing a few changes of clothes into her nondescript New Republic military duffel bag. Her orange flight suit was already packed away at the bottom of the bag; instead, she chose to wear her Jedi robes. A pale brown cloak the color of her hair was draped over her shoulders, with a lighter pair of slacks and her black boots. As she was moving around, her lightsaber which hung from her belt bumped against her leg.
She was reaching for her comlink when she heard a rapping at her door. She mumbled the word "enter" as she picked up her bag. The door slid open; she was still rummaging through her drawers before she realized who it was.
"General," she said, dropping her bag when she noticed Wedge standing before her. She slipped the comlink into the pocket of her robe and saluted him.
He returned the salute with a smile. "Good morning, Lieutenant. Leaving so soon?"
She glanced down at her bag. "Well, my aunt just had her baby. I though I'd go see how she was doing."
"Ah. Give Mara and Luke my congratulations, please. It's been hard to contact them because of the need for secrecy."
She nodded. "Yeah, even I have a hard time getting a hold of my family. I'll tell Uncle Luke; he'll be glad to hear you're alright."
"Thank you. Although I wish you could stay a little longer. I haven't seen you for quite awhile. It'd be nice to catch up a little." He caught her glance. "We sort of started off on the wrong foot."
Jaina's heart tightened. She busied herself in her duffel bag. "That was entirely my fault."
Wedge took a step towards her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Why would that be your fault?"
Guilt flooded through her. Gulping, she left her bag on the floor and turned around to looked at him. "Well, for starters I pretty much made this whole mess. I'm sorry that I disappointed you, General."
He stared at her for a moment. "Jaina, you didn't disappoint me. On the contrary, I was very impressed by your bravery. You stood by an idea that you thought was right, even when everyone else doubted you."
She snorted. "What good is bravery if it gets everyone killed? You trusted me, and I let you down. I made a bad decision that cost precious lives."
"You think that you are the only one who has made a decision like that? Besides, Jaina--you weren't the only one who believed that thing was a superweapon. I was convinced, as well as Gavin and the rest of the squadron."
"But I should have been able to see through Kyp's ways. I wanted to believe he had changed, but I was wrong, and I was the only one who could have known. I was the one who made the error. And now not only the blood of Vong children, but also of my squadron is on my hands."
Wedge placed his other hand on her opposite shoulder. "Listen to me. This was not a preventable situation. There was treachery from one person--Kyp Durron. Which means that this situation was his fault. The blood of everyone who died there yesterday is on his hands, not yours. It's a shame that he doesn't care, but you can't change that, and soon it will catch up to him."
His hands dropped from her shoulders. "Your Jedi morals serve you well, though you can't save everyone who dies, and you know that. All you can do is try to save as many as you can without getting yourself killed." He took a step back, and took a long look at her. "How in the world did you ever find yourself tangled up with Rogue Squadron, anyway?"
She cocked her head. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I know you love to fly, and I know how you got into Rogue Squadron, but when I found out you had joined, I was sort of, well, shocked." He regarded her with a steady gaze. "From my experience, Force-sensitive pilots tend to resign from Rogue Squadron to pursue their Jedi training. You seem to be the other way around." His eyes grew soft, and somewhat melancholy. "I'm curious to know if this is the reason of your leaving."
Jaina thought about his comment for a moment. "Well, there's a lot to be expected from someone with my heritage, and although I'm more than happy to follow the path of a Jedi, I always wondered if there would be more to my life than that." She chose her words carefully, finding something that Wedge could grasp onto. "I mean, just because someone is born a Bothan doesn't mean they have to be a spy, or a politician. Becoming a Jedi for me was sort of a given, which I was fine with, but I also wanted to live outside of the box."
Jaina moved away from Wedge and sat down on her bed. "And when the opportunity to join Rogue Squadron came along, that just seemed to be exactly what I needed. Status didn't matter during drafting; it wasn't my family's reputation or heritage that got me into Rogue Squadron. I had to work hard to prove that I was better than everyone else was, that my skills would better the squadron."
She glanced up at him and shook her head. "And you know, it didn't stop there. There were so many people who believed that it was my family's influence that got my into the squadron. They thought I was a spoiled Jedi brat that could have anything she wanted, and had no talent whatsoever. It wasn't just my fellow pilots who thought this, either. People very high up in the military ladder expressed their disappointment in Colonel Darklighter for recruiting me. You don't even know the gratitude I feel towards him-only later, after I gained the respect of those who doubted me, do I realize how much was at stake for him.
"And to gain the respect of my squadron and superiors was such a personal victory for me. I slowly worked my way up the ranks, and people started to recognize me for my talent and who I was, not who my family was." She grinned, duplicating her father's lopsided smile. "I know I'm not invincible, but it made me feel better knowing that when I flew into battle, my wingman didn't despise me or doubt my abilities."
Her expression grew serious again, and she leaned back down onto her bed. "Then the Jedi had a serious fracturing. I mean, we have had our problems before, but nothing like this. Jedi would refuse to listen to the opposing side and while some would do nothing to solve the Vong problem, others would arrogantly try to solve it themselves and get killed. Either way, people were dying-people the Jedi were presumably supposed to protect. Because I'm a Jedi, somehow it was my fault that people were dying. Consider it 'guilty by association.'"
She sat upright and sighed. "So now, I'm back where I started: hated, despised because of my heritage, and without the respect of my colleagues."
Wedge broke in. "That doesn't mean you have to go. I've been in your same situation before-these things seem to work themselves out. People are still aware of your talent; you'll earn their respect again."
Jaina's gaze was focused on her boots. "Well, I figure now is as good as time as any to find my family; I'm not doing any good by staying here, and I'm only stressing Colonel Darklighter's situation. It'd be nice to return, although by the time people are desperate enough to trust a Jedi, it may be too late to do anything."
Wedge stared at her blankly. So young, he thought. She was barely eighteen--too young to have to make decisions like that, to worry about the lives and careers of other people.
Then again, she's spent the past two years flying an X-wing. Wedge had seen the same rapid maturity in other young pilots he had commanded over the years. Her Commanding Officer, Gavin Darklighter, had been one of them. I suppose dealing with death at such a young age teaches about such responsibilities. Hell, maybe even Wes learned a thing or two.
"Well, I see you've put a lot of thought into your conclusion," he said, respecting her decision. She looked into his eyes; the ones that had watched her grow up, and gave him a curt nod.
Getting up, she walked over to her bag that was on the floor and collected her things. "It was quite an honor to fly with you, General," she spoke quietly, shaking his hand. "I hope one day I can do it again."
Their eyes met, and Wedge could see her disappointment. She had worked so hard for everything, yet the events that surrounded her were far beyond her control. She put up no fight and allowed this unfairness to take her from what she loved. Wedge's heart tightened when tears brimmed her eyes, so he took her into his arms and let her cry.
She only allowed a few sobs to escape; then she composed herself and attempted to flash a weak smile. "Thanks, General. I hope to see you again soon." With that, she moved past Wedge and exited her quarters.
It took Wedge a few moments for the grief to set in. Here was a young woman, whom he had known since before his own children's birth--before her own birth, for that matter--and who was risking her life and career because she was 'guilty by association.' What she had said, I hope to see you again, sent a chill right through Wedge. Jaina had implied that she would never see him again-unintentionally, of course, but nonetheless possible. His hand went to him forehead, and suddenly he felt very weary.