I have always loved food. I'm completely serious. Though, it wouldn't seem that way if you were to observe my eating patterns on a daily basis. I was fully aware of my eating disorder, and I guess you could say that I didn't realize I had sunk to this level until I saw my disgustingly thin body in the mirror one day. It was, essentially, a revelation: standing in my dorm room, naked—alone, obviously—cringing at the sight of my protruding collarbone and highly visible ribs. I knew I needed help, and badly. But I wasn't ready to change my ways. Deep down, I liked being thin. I delighted in knowing that I was one of the skinniest people I knew, even though this is not something one should be proud of.
When my roommate, Cassie, informed me her older sister, Julia, would be coming to visit, I was immediately curious. I had never meet Julia before, and I didn't know what she looked like, so I tried to picture her in my mind. Cassie had told me only a few details about her sister: after graduating from Stanford University in the top ten percent of her class, she went on to achieve her Master's Degree in Nutrition Science at the University of California, Berkeley. She was currently in the process of looking for a place at which to pursue a doctorate in Nutrition.
So, she was an expert on nutrition. This piqued my interest, yet, at the same time, I was somewhat nervous; would she be carefully scrutinizing everything I ate? Would she get angry at me for eating so little and obsessing over every single calorie?
Then I started to wonder what her eating habits were like. A typical anorexic, I was unnecessarily concerned with what other people were eating. I mean, why should I care? It's not like what my friend's eating is going to affect me in any way, shape, or form. And, of course, I wondered whether she was thin, average, or overweight. I was prone to constantly comparing my body to the bodies of other women my age. Originally, I had merely wanted to lose weight, but now that I was skinnier than most other college students, I hoped things would stay that way.
A week before Julia was scheduled to arrive on campus, Cassie dropped a bomb on me: "Hey Jewel, Cassie really wants to go out for a nice dinner with us. You know, she doesn't know the area very well, and I'm sure we could both use a good meal away from the dining hall!"
My throat tightened, but I heard myself saying, "Sure, that sounds great; where should we go?" I didn't eat meals with Cassie too often—in fact, I usually ate by myself—so she was practically oblivious to my anorexia, though I'm sure she'd noticed my extreme weight loss.
"Well, she left the decision up to us; if you want, I can just make the reservations myself. I know you're super busy this week."
"Yeah, sure, whatever," I replied, though trying to sound enthusiastic. "I'm flexible." Of course, this was a lie, but what was I supposed to say? That I couldn't go to a restaurant whose nutritional information wasn't readily available? I'd definitely seem like a weirdo.
Not surprisingly, I worried about this all week; I hadn't gone four months without counting calories, and I wasn't about to stop. I'd most likely have to sneak my Calorie King book into my purse, and look at the menu beforehand. Either that or I'd just have fewer calories earlier than day, or both. Whatever I did, I needed to figure it out ahead of time.
It was an unusually warm fall day, the trees with their brilliantly beautiful leaves still, and no breeze stirring them. I was glad to abandon my usual heavy-sweater-and-jacket combo, so I could wear my new matching skirt-and-blouse to the restaurant. I knew that jeans and other casual attire were acceptable, though I'd always felt the need to dress up a little bit when going out to eat, which I hadn't done in awhile.
Cassie and I were to meet Julia in the lobby of the hotel/restaurant at 6:30; I was hoping that Julia'd be late, so I could mentally prepare myself, because meeting new people was never easy for me, and because I was both excited and nervous about coming into contact with a nutritionist. To my dismay, she was already standing there waiting for us. Honestly, I wouldn't have known it was her, but that wasn't my fault, seeing as I'd had no clue as to her appearance.
A rather beautiful, yet slightly overweight, woman with dark brown eyes and hair as vibrantly lovely as the sun, rushed over to my roommate. They embraced, wide smiles on both their faces. "I've missed you so much!" Julia exclaimed.
"Oh, me too!" Cassie shared her sister's emotions, and, I have to admit, their excitement was contagious. I smiled, though half-examining Julia at the same time.
"And you must be Jewel!" Julia turned to me, and I tried to keep my smile intact. Instead of attempting to hide her astonishment at my extremely frail body, she didn't appear to be scrutinizing me at all. Not caring that she was more than twice my size, she eagerly hugged me, as if we were old friends.
"And you must be Julia!" I echoed. Obviously, she was aware of my tiny frame, though I could tell she wasn't about to bring it up.
Julia and Cassie talked constantly, reminiscing about their childhood, but Julia kept including me in their conversations. I certainly could have nothing to say about their elementary school teachers, or their dentist, but she did her best to ask for my input on various things. This began to get on my nerves, because it would've been easier to just sit there and not have to socialize; I mean, I wasn't anti-social, per se. I think that, perhaps, I was worried about saying the wrong thing or making a bad impression on people.
The service was fairly slow, which I was glad for, because I wanted as much time as possible to determine what I'd order from the menu. I'd already looked at the menu on the restaurant's website, and I'd searched through my calorie book for nutritional information, but I needed the time to add things up in my head. "So, what are you gonna get?" Julia asked me.
"Um, me?" I wasn't quite ready. Julia nodded. "Well, I'm not sure…I had a pretty big lunch, so I'm not that hungry." This was a lie. "I'll probably just order a soup, or…do you know how big their sandwiches are?"
"Don't ask me!" Julia laughed. "I've never been here."
Cassie smiled, and thought, "Hmmm…I don't think they're like gynormous or anything, but I think they're a pretty decent size. It'll definitely fill you up." That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but if it was too much, I wouldn't eat the whole thing.
"What are you getting?" I asked. I wanted to make sure I was eating less than them.
"Uh, probably the chicken parmesan." My mouth watered at the sound; that was my favorite home-cooked meal. For a moment, I thought of asking her to split it with me, but I knew she'd want her own. After all, she wouldn't be seeing her sister again for awhile, and Julia was paying. "Do you think we should get an appetizer too?" She turned to Julia.
"Yeah, that sounds great." Julia nodded. "How about the caesar salad? That should be enough for the three of us to share." I gulped. Caesar salad, wow. That was one of the world's delicacies.
"But what's your entrée gonna be?" Cassie asked.
"Oh yeah, well…Everything looks so great. But I can't decide between the filet mignon or the steak…I guess I'll ask our waitress."
"Oh, don't even bother asking; I'll tell you: the filet's superb!"
"Well, that's settled then."
"Make sure you have enough room for dessert," I joked, though it wasn't really meant as a joke.
"There's always room in my dessert box," Julia said. Did she mean to say that she might eat all her entrée and dessert? I thought. She must be kidding.
But she wasn't. She ate the majority of the salad and her entire entrée, sides and everything. She even ate a whole bunch of bread with butter, and the waitress gave us seconds. And she ordered a margarita, which I knew was loaded with calories.
I, on the other hand, didn't eat any of the bread or salad, and picked at my sandwich. It was definitely tasty—probably the best grilled chicken sandwich I'd ever had in my life, but I couldn't make myself eat the whole thing. I ate a couple fries, and sipped my water with lemon, and when I knew I shouldn't eat any more, I put my fork down, and rested my napkin on the table. Meanwhile, Julia was still munching on her filet; despite the fact that she ate so much, she had very good manners, and she ate at a rather decent speed. Cassie tried to finish her dinner, but it was too much for her; I could tell that she was full, but she kept eating until she felt she'd had enough. She didn't stop because she knew she should: chances are, she stopped because she didn't want to feel sick later.
I thought that maybe Julia would admonish me for eating hardly anything, and since she didn't say anything, Cassie kept her mouth shut as well. I remember Cassie telling me once about how she always looked up to her sister, and how she knew to follow whatever she did, because she always seemed to know the right thing to do.
"Would you like to see the dessert menu?" Our waitress asked, once she'd cleared our plates.
"Yes, of course!" Julia surely hadn't lost her excitement over dessert. And, apparently, she didn't care that she'd be consuming a gazillion calories in one sitting. Just the thought of adding up all those calories made my head spin. It was too much for my mind to take.
When the waitress tried to hand me a dessert menu, I said, "no thanks." And she kind of rolled her eyes at me. What a bitch, I thought.
They both ordered crème brulees. When those two bowls of custardy goodness were placed in front of my roommate and her sister, I knew it was over. It looked so amazingly scrumptious that I had to have some.
As if sensing my intense craving, though I was hiding it fairly well, Julia said, "Do you want a bite? It's sooooooo good!"
My heart starting beating quickly, and I knew that there are like 400-plus calories in one serving of crème brulee, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I have some of it. "No." I smiled, this time for real. "I'm going to order my own." I felt a warmth rise up in me, accompanied by two large smiles on the faces of my fellow diners.
"I'll get our waitress' attention," Julia said.
It was happening. I was really eating something I shouldn't have been eating. I wasn't counting calories; I was eating freely, without a care in the world. I took my time, eating that decadent dessert, truthfully enjoying every bite and every morsel, right down to the very end.
"Boy oh boy, this was fantastic! I'm so sad that it's gone!" Julia frowned, but her face soon reverted back to a grin.
"Yeah," I agreed, unable to say more.
"Wouldn't you agree that there's no reason to miss out on something like this?" Now she was starting to talk about my eating disorder, but I didn't mind. In fact, I appreciated her comment, because it was true.
"Yes." I sighed, letting the delicious food in my stomach settle. "It's one of life's greatest pleasures."