Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, no copyright is intended
A/N: Struggling of late with my muse, needed to get *something* written down before the creative flow dries up completely. Comments and virtual cookies welcomed and very much needed
Connor used to come here regularly; almost weekly until the small matter of being trapped in the Cretaceous era had put a stop to it. He'd started again when he came back, but like so many other things of late he had neglected it.
He found peace here; a place to reflect on the things concerning him without the interruptions of the life he had found himself thrust into five years ago. He also came to find answers when that life became too confusing. Professor Cutter was the only one who seemed to understand.
Climbing the hill, Connor felt the sun on his back. It made him smile and he considered himself extremely lucky that he could feel it all and breathe the fresh air without it burning his lungs. He'd experienced what the future would have been like if he'd not stopped New Dawn and felt thoroughly ashamed at his part in it. Even now, he still thought that Abby and Matt should have left him behind to suffer the fate he felt he deserved; they could have handled it on their own despite Matt saying he couldn't. It was only Abby's whispered words of love at his lowest ever point that gave him hope and the courage to grit his teeth and face up to what he'd done.
Finally, he reached the place where Cutter was buried. The headstone was unremarkable, just as Cutter would have wanted, and the grass around it was neatly trimmed – the grounds staff looked after all the graves and kept them weed-free and tidy. Glancing around to make sure no-one else was close, he settled himself down on the patch of grass next to the headstone. With a lump in his throat, Connor ran his fingers over the engraved lettering and closed his eyes briefly.
"It.'s been a while, eh Professor!" Connor began, trying to swallow down the lump and failing. He could feel tears stinging his eyes and he forced himself to blink them away. He had to say things, and crying now would not help. "I got myself caught up in something and for a while I forgot the important things."
He paused, trying to picture the Professor's face. The image wouldn't come to him; not as clearly as he wanted it to, and that hurt. Cutter had been one of the most important people in his life – he should be able to remember him as clearly as he remembered the face of his father, or Tom; he even remembered Stephen Hart more clearly than he could Cutter at the moment! He knew exactly why; it was because he was ashamed of himself and of the way he'd betrayed everything Cutter had stood for.
"I thought I was doing what you'd want me to!" He turned his face upwards, and felt a stray tear trickle down his cheek. He was losing his battle. "I thought I was carrying on the work that you started. All I wanted was to make you proud of me; to make Abby proud of me! But I failed."
He choked, and his tears began to flow freely. He was glad he was alone, although the sight of someone sitting by a grave crying would not be considered strange he supposed.
"Philip Burton. He made me feel like I could be someone; I thought he was like you – just how wrong could I have been? I'm sorry, Professor. I am so sorry! I almost destroyed everything because I was blinded by someone who knew how to stroke my ego. I should've listened to Abby – after everything that she and I have been through, I chose Burton over her."
Connor's chest hurt as his sobs grew louder. He had said part of what he had came to say, but to say the rest he needed to pull himself together. It would not be easy; the emotion and the guilt were flooding out of him in what felt like a raging torrent and he couldn't stop it. He stopped fighting and let it flow; if this took all afternoon then so be it.
"Abby asked me to marry her, and I said yes." Connor felt a smile spread across his face. It felt good saying those words for the first time. It had been two days since she'd asked him and since then it had been a blur. They'd rushed off to another anomaly and then they had to work on the clean-up operation. Abby had agreed to be part of the public relations team; dealing with in-coming enquiries from the world's media about what had happened along with Jess. Connor just wanted to keep a low profile; he still felt awkward around the others, especially Matt and Becker. He'd been supervising the clear-up at the New Dawn site; he needed to be certain that everything had gone. Tonight they'd invited Jack for dinner so they could tell him their news and then they'd tell everyone else. Connor just wanted Cutter to know too.
"I bet you didn't see that one coming, eh Professor?" Connor laughed, wiping the tears from his face. Connor had never made any secret of his feelings for Abby; he'd been the one to wear his heart on his sleeve whilst Abby had built a wall around herself that was so thick she couldn't see what was in front of her nose.
"I still can't believe it m'self. After everything I did she still wants to be with me." He sniffed and smiled. If Abby could forgive him, then so could everyone else – and so would Cutter if he'd been here. Suddenly, Connor felt a huge weight lift from his shoulders. He knew he no longer needed to be ashamed of what he'd done. It was in the past now and he had to focus on the present and the immediate future.
Standing up and wiping his face, Connor glanced up to the sky one final time. "I'm glad we talked today, Professor. I feel so much better." He glanced at his watch and took a deep breath. "I have to go, we've got Abby's brother coming for dinner and I'm supposed to be getting some wine from the supermarket. I'll be back; won't leave it so long next time. That's a promise." He nodded at the headstone and then turned towards the path that led back down the hill.
With a spring in his step and a renewed energy, Connor left the cemetery and prepared for the evening ahead and the official beginning of his engagement to Abby.