Summary: After two years of being in coma Quinn finally wakes up only to find that what she loved the most has being stolen from her by the person she trusted the most.
Disclaimer: I don't own either Glee or its characters.
Summer of 2012, Quinn
They say that when you die you see a white blinding light that guides you through a shadowy tunnel that leads you to the afterlife. More often than not that comes accompanied by a feeling of supposedly infinite peace as your soul untangles from the last bits of life radiating from your body that afterwards becomes nothing more than an empty shell.
Yet… I felt nothing.
Out of all those myths that writers pretend to sells us as the truth the only one that got remotely close to what you really experience was the flashing of your whole life in the blink of an eye. It could be described more accurately thought, as a bunch unrelated memories strolling through your mind like a shuffle playlist before your mind completely shutdowns.
I remember us winning nationals. I never seen so much happiness placed together as the one I saw on everyone's faces that day in the stage as the master of ceremony called our name. "Vocal Adrenaline" echoed through the enormous auditorium that was quickly filled with applauses and enthusiastic whistles.
Clear as water was also the last time I went with my mother to the beach; her sweet smile. She was terrified. She kept screaming distressed behind my father shoulders as he tried to teach me how to swim by the shore. When an unexpected wave made me swallow a gulp of water she almost tore me off my father arms who chuckled at the panic in her eyes and at the possibility of me drowning with the exaggerate amount of floaters she had fixed me in.
I missed that dad; that carefree man with a joy so immense that it was almost tangible to everyone around him.
I recalled the first time I sang for Finn. Neither of us would ever admit it aloud but we silently agreed that was the moment that determined the rest of our relationship. It was the first time that when we looked at each other we saw nothing less than the love of a brother and sister.
And I remember her.
I remember the way her brown locks swung when they were caught on a breeze of wind. Her lavender scent that I could sense from across a room. And I remember the first time we made love; the way the moonlight creep over her sweaty skin giving it a ghostlike glow. How she suffocated my name between squeals of pleasure. How she bit down on my shoulder trying hopelessly to contain her orgasm and keep as quiet as possible for her unsuspecting parents only a few doors away.
May of 2014, Finn
It felt like he was never going to be enough for her.
It wouldn't matter how hard he tried, or how much time had passed, Rachel would always wish it was her who kissed her nightmares goodbye. It had been two years already, two exhausting years of longing, of yearning past the point of insanity for the moment the sleeping beauty would rouse from her deathly slumber; but Finn knew better, he knew that time was not to be. The sooner they all accepted that fact, the sooner they would be able to carry on with their lives.
"Long time no see, Mr. Hudson," Mrs. Parker, the head nurse of the fourth floor, greeted when Finn walked past her on the hallway that leaded to Quinn's room. He only nodded in response and rushed his pace to Quinn's room trying to ignore the gulp of guilt and shame that dashed to his core. He froze when he reached the door; the only thing between him and the worst of his demons, the epitome of his fears. Finn stretched his trembling hand towards the knob and after the last seconds of hesitation he stormed inside dismissing his previous feeling of fled.
How Quinn still looked beautiful even after two years of confinement to a bed was a mystery to Finn. Granted, she was much paler and dangerously thinner, but her breathtaking beauty was still pretty much intact. Somewhere deep down Finn still waited for her to open her kaleidoscope-like hazel eyes and flash that characteristic grin of hers; but he had revoked his heart every permission to harvest such feelings a long time ago, he had not allowed it to forget the hopeless and tragic reality; such things would never happen again.
Quinn was gone.
Finn contemplated Quinn from the end of the bed not daring to come any closer. He could say, with little fear of mistake that she in some way or another had made him experience the widest range of emotions a human being could endure; first, there was admiration that grew to become love, then love gave way to a fear, so dark and deep that morphed into despise. It had been the last sentiment in particular which brought him this evening to the gloomy desolated hospital.
Finn had ditched football practice to instead go see Rachel perform in Glee Club. If the guys ever found out he had stood them up for his girlfriend and not because of a doctor's appointment they would probably question his manhood with all sort of creative jokes. And they would most likely give him daily slushie facials for the rest of the semester if they knew he had ditched to watch Rachel sing about her feelings in Glee Club. Being in Glee Club had stopped being 'cool' a long time ago. Two years to be exact when the club dismantled itself bit by bit on a series of unfortunate events. First was the resignation of Shelby as the coach of Vocal Adrenaline and the birth of New Directions under William Schuester's tutelage. Then came the graduation of Blaine and St. James, the club male leads, and Karofsky. Then was the departure of the Cheerios and the jocks with the absence of their captains, Quinn and Karofsky respectively. Last but not least was the quitclaim of Rachel, the female lead vocalist, of anything related to the choir that would last for almost a year. Everything combined resulted in a gigantic lost at sectionals with them not even placing in the top three and the degradation of the club from the top of the social pyramid to the bottom.
Finn knew the consequences if anyone found out; and they needed his popularity as the quarterback of the Titans, or how else would he be able to halt McKinley's population from slushing Rachel on daily basis and make her life a living hell? With him at the top she was out of limits even if she insisted on being in Glee Club despite all. He knew what could happen very well but Rachel had been talking non-stop all week about her assignment for glee. From what he gathered Mr. Schuster had asked them to sing a song concerning their deepest feelings. Rachel had spent the entire week searching for the perfect song. At last Finn had decided to offer his help; he might not be as musically obsessed as her but he was confident that the year he had spent in Glee Club on sophomore year had expanded his knowledge on the area.
When Finn had asked for the song's theme he had see how Rachel's smile had faltered and how her eyes had darkened when she said "You" but he had brushed it off. He had convinced himself he had just imagined it just like he had always done for the year; now he only wished he had listened to his paranoid subconscious.
When Finn had reached the auditorium the stage was occupied by Kurt on the climax of his performance. Finn recognized the song as Defying Gravity; one of the few show tunes he actually liked.
Quinn's favorite.
Something about the way Kurt held the microphone stand as if it were the only thing holding him still had made Finn feel as if he were intruding into some sort of sacred place. Finn had spotted the rest of the club sitting tightly together in the front rows but he had opted for a seat in the back figuring it would be better to let his presence be known only when it were Rachel's turn. After Kurt went one of the new kids, Santana with a heart shattering cover of a song she introduced as For the Love of a Daughter. Finn had entertained the thought of waiting outside until it were Rachel's turn after that performance; what they were sharing felt too personal; to Finn equaled as to reading someone's diary out loud in a crowded room.
After congratulating Santana on his performance Mr. Schuester had called Artie's name who managed to lighten the mood with Safety Dance and Mike and Brittany enthusiastically dancing around him.
"Rachel" had then called Mr. Schuester at last and Finn had almost felt relieved. Finn had been surprised when Rachel didn't run towards the stage eager for another performance and instead had taken hesitant steps in its direction diverting her eyes in every direction but to the small crown that waited for her at the foot of the stage. After murmuring something to Brad, the piano player, Rachel finally addressed the audience "As you all know I always prefer songs that proceed from the Broadway catalog but given as on my meticulous search for the perfect song this one particularly spoke my true feelings I concluded an exception to my accustomed repertoire would not harm my hold record-"
"And here she goes again making me regret I let her convince me on joining Glee Club" Finn had heard Mercedes mutter to no one in particular. She had said it loud enough for Rachel to hear her but Rachel had opted for ignoring it and had continued. "Of course in order to add a fairly needed vocal challenge to the song I arranged it-"
"Rachel. The song." Had hurried her Mr. Schuester.
Finn now irrationally resented him for doing so.
Rachel nodded at that and smiled faintly to no one in particular before heading to the piano that was now unoccupied. When Finn had reached the others Rachel had already zoomed out onto her music playing the first notes of the song. The soft melody was vaguely familiar to Finn but he couldn't completely place where he had heard it before; if only he had. He wished he had been able to foreknow the soreness that was about to rise within him or gotten the slightest of clues of the wrath that was about to haze his mind to the point of madness.
Finn stayed behind the others not wanting to disturb the trance they all seemed to be under. When Rachel started singing he automatically understood why every single one of them appeared to be glued to their seats in anticipation. Words like dazzling or striking could not ever capture completely Rachel's voice. He had heard Rachel sing before of course but not on a rehearsed performance in a long time. If it was possible he fell a little more in love with her in that precise moment. That was of course until she reached the bridge of Wish You Were Here and everything inside of him extinguished to later be replace by pain and sorrow that quickly morphed into ire and resentment.
What seemed like a lifetime to Finn had not been close to enough for Rachel to forget Quinn and when Mr. Schuester had summoned her deepest feelings she had opted for her once again. Somewhere deep down he had always known but oh he had hoped. Hoped that he was enough.
Every word Rachel sang prophesying her immortal love for his comatose stepsister was like a dagger to his already wounded heart and every tear that escaped her watery brown eyes just sunk it deeper inside. It was too much for him to bear. He had put aside every sense of loyalty and morality he ever had for the love that Rachel had evoke in him but he was no more than a crutch for her. He was just a second option, a placeholder, a mere replacement and knowing that she had never felt for him what he had for her shattered him.
It would be so easy to end everything. The thin line between life and death was so fragile; just a single push to destiny and everything could be gone. Much wasn't needed in Quinn's flimsy state and there were so many untraceable ways tempting him; mocking him to give in to his shadiest fancies. Just a thrust was enough to murder the ghost that hunted the lives of everyone he loved and by default his relationship even since before it had started. A little push and everything could be put to rest once and for all; turned at last into a distant memory habitant only of the past.
Finn took a hesitant step closer to Quinn. His eyes wandered around the room as if trying to find reassurance in the white walls that surrounded him. He took another step this one a bit steadier than the last one. Finn reached for the pillow where Quinn's head rested blocking away his last sane thoughts. He closed his eyes not wanting to witness himself the crime that he was about to commit. Not even his lids tightly shut were able to imprison the tears that now ran freely down his cheeks.
His fist closed tightly around the pillow as he drove it closer to Quinn and a single memory slipped through Finn's carefully build defenses.
"Do you promise?" asked Quinn staring right into my eyes. We were no more than ten years old and Quinn had burst into my room rambling about having something she needed to show me. After a few threats on Quinn's part and lots of patience on mine she made me promise not to laugh. "I promise, Q." I said truthfully but wanting more than anything to finally got her to reveal the reason of her despair so I could go back to playing video games.
I could still see the hesitation in her eyes so I smiled. "Go on."
She looked at me one last time before closing her eyes and letting her sweet voice rise in an enchanting tune. She sang the first verses of Fly Me to the Moon with her eyes still tightly shut. Her voice was calming and soothing like the most beautiful lullaby. I knew in that exact moment that I would never be able to listen to the original song, or any other cover of it for that matter, without remembering this moment. The moment when, for the first time, I realized that regardless of blood ties we were brother and sister.
Finn dropped to his knees terrified of himself. The pillow discarded on the floor. "I'm sorry, Q. I'm so sorry." He apologized between sobs. His hands shook frantically as tearing cries escaped his chest uncontrollably. He couldn't believe what he had almost done. He was disgusted with himself and of what he was capable off. Quinn was his sister regardless of everything: his pain, his resentment, his foolishness. How could such things cross his mind when his only real duty was to protect her from any harm?
Finn wanted to run away but he was too weak to move a muscle. He was petrified by shame; by grief. His eyes slowly strolled to Quinn while he tried to hold back his tears. He wanted to look at her; he wanted to punish himself for ever allowing such dark thoughts cross his mind. Finn did it. At his own pace making sure it hurt as much as it should. He started at her delicate jaw line and then slowly upwards; taking in every feature, every curve and line of her face. When he finally reached her eyes a choky scream escaped his trout and he threw himself backwards astonished and more than anything frightened.
Quinn unblinking eyes were wide open and staring intensively at him.