The Fart Diamond Adventure
Alright, so we all know Hermione's a genius, right? But what happens when she decides to use her IMAGINATION and play with her kids? I'll tell you what happens – MASS CHAOS BREAKS LOOSE!!! Be warned: you may find a dancing Ron and mysterious ticking noises… I don't own anything, and nothing owns me.
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The scratching of a quill was all that could be heard in the quiet office of Hermione Weasley, thanks to the handiwork of an outstanding Silencing charm. She sat at her desk, her bushy head resting in the palm of her left hand, writing out yet another report for the Head of her Department. As the sentence she was scribbling came to an end, she gently laid the quill down on her desk, rubbed her wrist and flexed her fingers. Writing all day without stopping could give you some pretty awful cramps.
Outside, in the hallway, her two children were screaming.
She couldn't hear them, of course, but they were pounding on the door so badly that her desk was shaking. She sighed, pressing two fingers to her temples and moving them in circular motions. She closed her eyes and counted to ten, then got up and opened the door.
Their shrieking stopped immediately, but four-year-old Rose fell through the doorway flat on her face in a heap of fiery ringlets. Laughing, three-year-old Hugo brushed his wavy brown hair out of his bright blue eyes and clapped.
Rose sprang up, her brown eyes shining up at her mother, and the pair launched themselves at her calves, nearly tripping her.
"Mummy!" cried Rose, a look of delight on her cherub face.
"Mamma!" giggled Hugo, hugging her knee.
"Babies, Mummy's trying to work, okay? Is there something that you needed?" Hermione asked, bending down to their level.
"Come and play with us, Mummy! You can do your work later!" Rose begged.
"You can be da dwagon," whispered Hugo dramatically.
"Sweeties, I can't, I'm busy." Hermione explained, trying not to sound irritated.
Rose frowned, and stuck her bottom lip out, pouting. Hugo's face fell.
"Pllllleeeeeeeeaaaase, Mummy? Just for a little bit? Pleeeeeaaaase?
"Yeah, pwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeease??"
"Honey, I'm working. I'll play with you later."
Rose and Hugo looked on the verge of tears.
"You're always working." Rose said sadly, turning away. "It's all you do!"
"Yeah!" agreed Hugo. "You no fwun!"
Something in their large, bright eyes and disheartened expressions unleashed a pang of guilt in Hermione's stomach. She loved her children, she really did, so why not spend a few spare minutes with them? All she had left of her report was the conclusion, anyway, and it wasn't due until the Wednesday of next week. Grudgingly, she relented.
"I – oh, all right, then. Let's go play."
"YAY!!" They both shouted simultaneously. Then they took her hands in their warm (and sticky) ones and began running down the hall. Hermione, who was wearing heels and had to bend down to reach them, was having issues with her balance.
"Mummy, get up, we're gonna be late!" Rose scolded.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Hermione said through gritted teeth as she massaged her ankle. Luckily, nothing seemed to be broken.
Rose and Hugo entered the nursery, which was, of course, cluttered beyond hope, and pulled Hermione in after them. Toys were littered wherever you stepped, there were stains all over the carpet, the couches were stacked on their sides against the wall, and the sticky pink stuff on their hands seemed to be smeared all over the furniture. Internally, Hermione moaned.
"Here," said Hugo, handing her a long wooden spoon. "You can pway da dwagon!"
Hermione tentatively took the spoon in her hand and asked, "Okay, well what kind of dragon am I supposed to be?"
"An evil one, duh!" Rose rolled her eyes. "You have to take the spoon and bang it all over the place, because that's how the dragon's supposed to scare away the Prince!"
"Oh, are you the Prince, Hugo?" Hermione asked.
"Nooo, Daddy's Pwince today! I'm da night. I ride on my bwoomstik and save da Pwincess!"
"Well, who's the Princess?"
"Kaya," Rose said smartly, pointing to her doll, who was sitting on top of the lamp.
"Oh, okay, then who are you, Rosie?" Hermione asked, checking her watch now.
"I'm the Queen, the most beautiful girl in all the land. I have to tell every one what to do, because otherwise the game will be ruined. Now, Hugo, go get the Fart Diamond, and I'll stay here and look out for pirates."
She climbed onto a chair and pretended to search around the room, with one had over her eyes. Hugo began to zoom around on his pretend broom, making swishing noises and screeching sounds.
Hermione just sat there, holding the wooden spoon.
"Oh, Mummy, when you see the air pirates, make sure you don't blast them with your acid fire, because they're evil too, and they're on your side, and they're trying to take away the Fart Diamond so the Princess will die and they can rule the whole kingdom. It's called the Fart Diamond because it's reeeally stinky, the stinkiest diamond in the entire world. Now, the air pirates are going to fly around your head, and you can swat them, that's okay, just don't let them hit the ground because the floor is made of lava and if you touch it then Lord Veldemart's ghost is going to come and turn you into another part of he Fart Diamond. Oh, and watch out for Hugo's WandSword, it can turn anything evil into a star. "
All Hermione could say to this was "Pirates don't fly."
"WWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" screeched Hugo suddenly, waving a cubby fist in the air, one hand held out in front of him. He made slashing movements, like you would with a wand, only he was saying, "Swoosh! Swash! Wa! Ha! Take dat you fwilthy air piwates!"
"Hiiiiiiwwwwwaaaaaaa!!!" Hugo cried, jabbing his invisible sword at Hermione. He stayed there for a few seconds, and then stood back, looking at his mother with an accusing glare.
Rose hopped down from her chair and padded over to a confused looking Hermione. "What do I do now?" she whispered to her daughter, eyeing Hugo like he was some sort of dangerous criminal. Rose whispered in her ear.
"Mummy, Hugo just killed you. You're dead, now, you have to die."
"Oh. All right then." She sank back onto the floor and closed her eyes. Two seconds later she snapped back up and said cheerfully, "Okay, Mummy's going to go back to work now, sweeties, you two have fun, okay?"
"NO!" Their tiny fingers grabbed fistfuls of her skirt and pulled her back down. She landed with an "Oomph!" on the carpet.
"What, I'm dead, right? I can go now, you don't need me anymore!" Hermione cried. Rose shook her flaming ringlets and Hugo tugged on her hand.
"Mummy, you can't go yet! When dragons die, they turn into water fairies." Hugo cried, for some reason completely traumatized.
"No they don't, pumpkin, they just die. The only magical creature that metamorphasizes after death is the phoenix, and even then it only returns back to it's original-"
"Mummy, please just be the water fairy? Please? You can be the leader if you want, we won't make you be the warrior. Come on, it's only the water fairies who know where we can find the Fart Diamond!"
"I thought the Princess had the Fart Diamond? Your doll Kaya?"
"Kaya's not a real Princess, Mum, she's just a doll. Silly." Rose and Hugo rolled their eyes at each other. Hermione had one of those well-okay-then look on her face.
"Okay, fine, I'll be a water fairy." She mumbled, getting up off the floor.
"YAY!!" They exclaimed, and grabbed her hands, leading her over to a large blue stain in the corner of the room.
"Okay, Mummy," Hugo said cheerfully. "Awl you haff to do is stand here and if any of da Chinese Mafia come den just wave youw owacle at dem and dey'll effapoate!"
"Mafia!" Cried a very distressed Hermione. "You're three years old, where on earth did you learn about Mafia?!"
Rose wordlessly held up a heavy volume whose title read: Chinese Mafia – Drug Dealing, Racketeering, Gambling, and Prostitution.
"Oh." She said, blinking. "Well, okay then."
"Wat's pwostituction?" Asked Hugo innocently. Hermione flushed, and Rose looked interested.
"Erm – ask your father when he gets back." She said, knowing full well that they would have forgotten by that time.
"Mummy, you have to wear the crown!" Said Rose, hurrying over to the toy chest. She returned quickly, holding up something tied together that looked suspiciously like –
"Socks?" Hermione said disbelievingly, raising an eyebrow. "You want me to wear socks on my head?"
"They're not socks, Mummy, it's a crown! You're the leader of the water fairies! You have to have something on your head!" She fitted the crown of socks around Hermione's bushy hair, giving her the look of a strangely professional hippie.
"Okay, now spin," commanded Rose. "Water fairies always spin whenever somebody's attacking them."
"But – nobody's attacking me…" Hermione said. Suddenly, Hugo jumped onto his mother's back, flung his chubby arms around her neck, and started to wail in her ear. He would not let go for five minutes.
"Alright, alright then! Just get off me and I'll spin!" Grumpily, she pulled Hugo off from around her neck and placed him lightly on the ground. Both children looked earnestly up at her, waiting for her to make the first move.
With a huff, she straightened her sock crown with all the dignity she had left and spread her arms out at her sides. Then, she began to spin. She hadn't spun like that in over thirty years, so when the walls began to blur and the floor began to tilt and her head began to sway, she stopped, sort of swaying on the spot in the carpet, while Rose and Hugo ran around screaming, "GET AWAY FROM THE WATER FAIRY! SHE'LL NEVER TELL YOU WHERE THE FART DIAMOND IS!!"
"Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick," Rose was saying, while Hermione was recovering from her spin.
"Oh, no, Mummy, dere's gonna be a bom!" Hugo said, and he ducked down under the coffee table.
"Hurry, Mum, we have to hide, or else the bomb will kill us all!" Rose whispered to her mother. Hermione, still very dizzy, crawled under the cramped space with her two children.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!" Rose and Hugo yelled, and, feeling that it would make the whole thing more dramatic, Hermione shook one of the table legs to make it wobble.
"We're under attack!" She cried. "The Crumple-Horned-Snorkacks are going to get us!"
"AAAAAHHHH!" All three of them yelled, and Rose and Hugo covered their heads.
"They're after the diamond, Mummy! Make them go away; you're the leader of the water fairies!"
"Well, you're the Queen!" Hermione said. Rose looked at her beseechingly, and Hermione crawled out from under the table, put a hand up in the air and said, "STOP!"
"Yay, Mummy, you did it!" They hugged her fiercely, and then Rose drew back, looking businesslike.
"Okay," she instructed. "Now, we have to climb to the top of Figaro Mountain, and battle the Clock Man, so he can tell us where the water fairies are hiding."
"Wight!" agreed Hugo. "Becauze da water faiwies awe hiding fwom us, so day tuwed infisible."
"Because they think that we are Chinese Mafian Air Pirates!" Hermione exclaimed, and the children gasped.
"Quick, quick, quick, let's go to Figaro Mountain, before the time runs out!" Rose cried, and they all rushed simultaneously to the sofa, clawing at it as if it really were a mountain. The clock from the kitchen was resting at the top, and ticking for them patiently.
Two and a half hours later:
"YAAAAAAAAAA!!" screamed Hermione, brandishing her wand at the unplugged lamp on the desk. "Take that, Zeus, you're not the boss of me!"
"You tell him, Mummy!" cheered Rose, wrestling with a large radio they had found in the cellar. "Now, Hugo, ask them where the fart diamond is!"
Hugo turned to face his captives, who were all tied to a chair with bed sheets. "Okay," he told them in a voice that was surprisingly menacing for a little three-year-old boy. "Iff I don know wear da Fawt Dimund iz in da neckst dirty cekonds, den sombuddy hear iz gonna be deawd in haff a minnut."
"Do you know wear it iz?" he asked the milk carton, but it stayed silent. Hugo untied it and threw it to Hermione, who prodded it with her wand so that it Vanished. Rose cackled.
"Tewl me wear it iz!" Hugo commanded a large fluffy pillow, but the brave soul absolutely refused to speak. He picked it up and tossed it to Rose, who caught it gracefully and sat on it.
"Yowe tuwn," Hugo whispered to a very big, very old, Joey Motorola cell phone. "Wear iz da Fawt Dimund?"
Hermione and Rose drew in closer, looking at this sole survivor with awe. Would he speak? Would he choose life instead of death? Or would he carry the secret whereabouts of the Fart Diamond to the grave with him?
They all jumped when it started beeping.
"He speaks!" Hermione yelled triumphantly. "Quick, Rose, what is he saying?"
Rose bent over the enormous cell phone, (which had been a gift to Ron from Arthur for his twentieth birthday) and listened tentatively to its consistent beeping. For a moment, it seemed like she couldn't understand a word the old geezer was saying, but then her face lit up and she turned to her mother and her brother, beaming.
"I know where the Fart Diamond is," she said passionately.
"Wear?" cried Hugo, zooming up to his sister with a look of utmost reverence on his face.
"Yeah, where?" Hermione echoed, crawling over to her two children who were at this point hopping up and down on the ground, shrieking with joy.
Rose turned and beamed at her, and Hugo looked extremely excited. Clasping her hands together, Rose looked up into her mother's face, took a deep breath as if to increase the tension, and said: "The Fart Diamond is…"
Suddenly, on the other side of the house, a door slammed and the usual call of "Daddy's home!" rang through the halls. They could all hear Ron's heavy footsteps making their way over to the nursery.
"It's the Prince, it's the Prince!" Rose squealed.
"Pwince Daddy, Pwince Daddy!" Hugo yelled, and in a flash, the two toddlers had abandoned their game and zoomed over to their father, nearly knocking him over in their excitement. Ron laughed.
"Hello, husband," Hermione said happily, who now had blue streaks of paint on her cheeks and was still wearing her sock crown. Ron raised an eyebrow.
"What have you three been doing all day?" he asked Hugo, putting an arm around his wife's waist and placing a light kiss on her lips.
"We were looking fow da Fawt Dimund!" Hugo said, his bright blue eyes nearly popping out of his head.
"Again?" Ron chuckled, and ruffled Rose's hair. "And you got your mother to play with you?"
"It was easy," Rose said cheerfully. "Mummy's a sucker for a puppy face."
Hermione's mouth fell open and Rose stuck her bottom lip out, widening her eyes. All was immediately forgiven.
"Well then, let's go and see what you did to destroy the nursery today," Ron said, picking his daughter up and taking Hugo's hand. Hermione flushed in embarrassment.
"We sort of, um, wrecked it," she said guiltily. Ron rolled his eyes.
"Wait, Dad!" Hugo said when they got to the doorway of the nursery. "In da kingdum of Gurnaffa, awl da Pwinces haff to danse if dey wanna get in."
"Dance?" Ron asked, confused. "You two have never made me dance my way in before? When did this start?'
"When Mummy became the Empress," Rose said simply. "Sorry, Daddy, but now you're just a Prince, not an Emperor Prince."
"Aw, well, that's life, I guess." Ron said, catching Hermione's eye and grinning.
Empress? Thought Hermione. When did I become the Empress? The fact that her children revoked their father's title in their fantasy world and made her the supreme ruler stirred a funny feeling in her stomach. She realized it was pride. She, Hermione Granger Weasley, was now the favorite parent for the day. Up until now, it was Ron who always played with the children, keeping them up late and giggling with each other into the night. But now that she had played with them, really mixed her imagination with Rose and Hugo's, well, she felt good. She felt young.
She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she almost forgot to answer when Ron asked: "Which one should I do, The Cabbage Patch or the Macarena?"
Snapping out of it, she turned towards him with a smile and said, "I say you do the Solja Boy."
Ron shook his head, and with a sigh, began to dance.
Rose and Hugo giggled manically, watching their father thrash around on his two left feet. Hermione merely smiled, knowing full well that Ron would demand some kind of reward for this later. When he was done, they lead him into the nursery, reenacting all the 'adventures' they had had that day. Hermione leaned against the doorway, looking at her family with a deep love in her eyes, and then she turned around, heading quietly back to her office.
She forgot to take off her sock crown in the process.
*Fin*
Well, that was it, and it's dedicated to my mom. I love you, mom! But she doesn't know I have a FanFiction account, so if she ever finds this then I'm screwed. She doesn't want me to join anything online, it's so annoying. One more thing: you are beautiful and I love you, and nothing would make me happier than your wonderful reviews!