Holding My Thoughts in My Heart

By: fluffy pantoufle


I didn't really have anywhere else to go.

All right, all right - that's a goddamned lie. I've been hangin' around that pokey-headed numbskull of yours for so long that I'm starting to think like him. Good kid… Thick as a brick sometimes, but he's got a brass pair of 'em. When this is all over, Tifa's gonna have her hands full with that one.

Damn, that's not…insensitive, is it? I ain't never had a shred of gentlemanly behavior in me, and I'm just startin' to realize that. It's like there's a whole new part of me that I never knew about, just coming up out of the woodwork to say hello. Figures it'd surface right in the face of arma-fucking-geddon. Everyone else is thinkin' about Sephiroth, and here I am worrying about how badly I treated Shera over all these years. Really makes ya wonder, huh? I was such a bastard - wrapped up in that fool dream of mine, never seeing that she was only try'na support me. When all's said and done, we had the same destination. We just ended up moseyin' down different paths.

Shit! There I go again! Mosey. Yeah, let's just mosey right up to Sephiroth. We'll let Cloud slap him around a couple times with that overgrown sword of his, then we'll all drink tea and discuss Planet-wide peace. Sure. My mouth to God's ears.

You must know this just as well as any of us - probably even better, 'cause you're swimming around in that Lifestream somewhere, but… We're not in this world for peace. That's somethin' you need to defend, even when everything looks like it's gonna crash around your head. If there's anything I learned so far, it's that you can't just…fall apart. Sure, shit might fall from the sky and hit you on your blockhead, but you need to do all you can to make sure that it doesn't fall on anyone else's.

I don't have a problem sacrificing my peace so I can give it to others. If you asked me that question a couple weeks ago, I would've probably given a completely different answer. There's just a hell of a lotta people right now trying to make peace or find peace just 'cause they don't believe there's a future.

Why not both?

So…

This kinda brings me back to the beginning of my babbling. I sound like a shittin' teenaged girl here - Yuffie would probably get a kick outta this, but I think at this point you're the only one I can trust as far as keepin' secrets. Gotta keep up my front, right? Captain Cid Highwind…finally made it to space, can't wuss out now!

But I think - and feel free to disagree with me here, although I don't really know how ya'd go about doin' that - I'd rather just go on to fight Sephiroth without figuring out my reason for doing so. Strange, ain't it? I know if you could stand in front of me, you'd probably pitch a fit about how I need to go back and see Shera in case somethin' bad happens, but… I want her to remember me just like I was. The state of mind I'm in now, I'd probably go back and make a big mess of things. Or not. I don't know. Maybe when it comes down to it, I ain't nearly as confident as I should be. I know I've got her forgiveness - I don't need any kinda reaffirmation of that. And in the end, that knowledge is reason enough for me to keep fighting.

I wouldn't admit this to anyone else, so do me a favor and don't go poppin' out of the Lifestream to tell this to Cloud or anyone, OK? I'm still try'na learn how all that spiritual, magical stuff works anyway… Probably should've paid closer attention to Bugen…uh, somethin'. Crazy old coot with an equally crazy old name that I can't quite remember.

Hah.

Before I head back, I should probably thank you, Aeris. I don't think I ever gave you proper respects… Come to think of it, no one close to me died before, so I don't even know what in the hell you're supposed to do. You set the bar awful high, though. If this all works out, and we actually win… Well, I'm gonna be thanking you every day for the rest of my miserable life. Or, let's hope that it ain't miserable, especially after all this goddamned trouble we're going through.

I'm not one to talk. You're the one that…well, you know what happened. But I often wonder if you knew it was coming. You must have, right? Especially since you could hear all them voices…your fellow Ancients…didn't they warn you? What was so special about that godforsaken altar that you had to leave us in the dust to pray there?

I would've…I mean, Cloud would have protected you. From anything.

And then maybe you could've been on the Highwind with us, flyin' north. I'd bet any amount of gil that you'd love it, Aeris! That's one hell of an airship, missy! I don't know if you've ever flown, but…it's the most beautiful feeling in all the world, that's for sure. It'd suit you. You have that pretty brown hair that'd look nice dancin' around with the wind…

Ah, here I go doing the exact same thing that I told myself I wouldn't be doing today. Who am I kidding… Even if you were here with us, I ain't much compared to the likes of Cloud. Just an old pilot, too far past his prime to be worth much of anything to a good-looking girl. I wish someone would explain to me just what's so appealing about that spiky bastard. I don't dislike him, you should know that, but… Strange. Strange indeed.

Anyway, I probably shouldn't be takin' up much more of your time. I know that you must be busy, wherever you are in that Lifestream - just 'cause you're not here don't mean that you're just sittin' around down there, eh? Ya'll probably have just as much prep work to do as us! Thanks…for listenin' to me go on and on. Even if you weren't, it just feels good. I can't remember the last time I talked so damned much.

Now, I'm not sure whether or not you're comin' back to see us or we're headin' to see you… But sooner or later we'll all be in the same spot. And when that day comes, do me a favor?

Don't let anyone know that the Cid Highwind babbles like a hormonal teenager.

A/N: It's been awhile since I've written any Final Fantasy VII fanfiction, but I just beat the game again the other day and figured that I should commemorate such a joyous occasion with a little one-shot. (Joyous for me... My mother, on the other hand, thought I went insane when I tried to do an elaborate victory dance on my sprained ankle!)

Personally, I think that Cid/Aeris is a cute little pairing - obviously, there was nothing going on between them at any point in the game, but I just like the potential. The gruff old pilot and the delicate little flower girl? The dynamics there are just too cool not to play around with, even in a purely hypothetical sense. Plus, as much as I like Cloud, I think that Cid Highwind just had personality to spare. ^__^ I would've had a cup of tea with him, anytime!

PS: Obviously nothing belongs to me. Kbye.