Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. They belong to Terrance Zdunich and Darren Smith.
Author's Note: Remember when I said that I would write anymore bad comedy fanfiction...? Well, I lied.
It was a typical day just like any other. A routine schedule followed by tension, bloodlust, murder, you name it. The sun never once shined in Sanitarium. The sky held it's murky, polluted color over all. Sunrise dissolved into sunset. Not a single noise stirred throughout the Largo household; neither a moan nor a scream. Why? Because they (obviously) were not at home.
You see, the Largos attended many charities and fund raising parties throughout their lifetime. No matter how scandalous these people were, it was absolutely mandatory that they attended. The event was held in a luxurious, beautiful mansion. Only the best for the best or so the bourgeoisie say.
Rotissimo Largo busily conversed with some sort of hotshot. Amber twitched from her daily Zydrate dosage. Pavi flirted. Luigi repressed the urge to stab something or someone. Don't understand why we go to these goddamn things. Oh, but he did. It was for the gold. After all, it didmake the world go 'round. Luigi was merely forced to comply. He wanted to please his father (no pun intended... ew) and to prove that he wasn't a disgrace.
At long last, the charity event ended. A few of the wealthy stayed behind, talking to the man behind GeneCo. Luigi pivoted on heel, making his way over to the ornate doors. Pavi waved to the woman whom he had been flirting with, "Ciao, Bambina!" He sauntered over to his murderer of a brother. Then again, weren't they both murderers?
Luigi groaned, "What do you want fucktard?" Paviche flashed his signature grin. Luigi glared, "Shouldn't you follow that chick home and bang her brains out?" Pavi made a face. He shuddered as he shook his hands as if it were an attempt to dry them.
"Fratello, that wasn't a-uh she, but-a he."
"..." Twitch. "OH MY GOD. Tranny!"
"...They're-a my people!" Pavi shouted in defense.
"Yeah. True.... Oh my God! My brother's a fuckin' tranny!"
"..." Pavi slapped Luigi back into his senses. With half-lidded eyes, he was highly unamused. Together they walked to the dark vehicle that awaited their arrival. The chauffeur opened the door for the two brothers. They stepped in as the limousine took off. Silence dwelled within the car. A noise erupted from the front. The motor had passed on to the next life.
"Oh sh- crap." The chauffeur muttered under his breath. He glanced into the rear-view mirror, "Looks like we'll have to call AAA." Thus, he did as he had promised. The driver was a man of his word. (And yes, this is the same chauffeur from previous fanfictions). Hey, he had to get paid! He had a family to care for, after all.
Luigi leaned back. Pavi gazed, quite lovingly, at his own reflection. The chaffeur drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. It took roughly an hour for AAA to get there. Luigi got out of the car, slinking off to the van. He gritted his teeth in a newly found fit of rage. He pulled out one of his beloved knives, swinging it. "Stupid fucking AAA! You're not better than AA!"
Pavi began flirting with the chauffeur, "So-a... You're-a quite handsome for a-uh man of-a older age..." Another grin. The driver choked on air. His face flushed, ,"I'm only forty, Sir." He nervously coughed into his hand. Pavi laughed jovially, "Really, now? You're-a not much-a older than Fratello..."
In the nearby distance, Luigi's voice quaked like thunder. Blood splattered the eldest's button-down shirt and ascot. He seethed, "Pavi, shut the fuck up and get out here!" Pavi smiled as he smoothed out his dark locks. He stepped out of the car, making his way over to Luigi.
"What-uh did you-a do Fratello!?"
"The guy was pissing me off! Acted like he knew everything."
"But-a! Now we're-a stuck in the middle of-a nowhere!"
"C'mon," Luigi grabbed Pavi's wrist. We'll walk home. We'll get there just as fucking quickly." The younger brother cried out, making a face. 'Fratello' grumbled under his breath, "Say adios to the limo guy..." Pavi waved at the vehicle, flashing a 'call me' motion. The chauffeur cried out, "I'M MARRIED." But it fell upon death ears.
"Nathan was-a married, though."
"Ew. Fucking nasty. You're such a perv, Pavi. You really are defected." Luigi let go of his brother's arm in disgust. Great. Now I'll get AIDs just because I touched him.He shuddered at walked through the streets in silence once more. The air was flooded by screams of the repossessed and moans from addicts. Air raid sirens casually floated about.
Pavi... skipped. Guess if it did the job, it was worth it...? Luigi grimaced, praying that he wasn't related to the freak. A car alarm or two rang. It was just your typical stroll in the city.
"'Kay, Genetic Defect 1," Amber being number two (according to Luigi), "Let's take the alley as a shortcut." Pavi nodded in agreement. He took the insults as bitter compliments. He produly bore his mental- Nope. Actually, he didn't. Deep down, Pavi was as insecure as everyone else. Oh shit. Shovel admitted her error. You read nothing. Nothing!
"...Faggo."
"Slut!'
"Who you callin' a slut?!" Pavi pointed to a scalpel slut. "Oh..."
The alley was laced with junkies. They leaned against the wall or were sprawled about on the floor. It was, indeed, addicts gallore. The ringleader of the addicts stood in the midst of writhing bodies with his faithful gun in stow. A charming grin. A pale face. It was none other than-
"Oh-a, why hello, GraveRobber." Pavi smiled broadly. Inwardly, he giggled like a schoolgirl whom was obsessed with Twilight. Great, now Shovel's house will get bricked for writing that. GraveRobber suppressed the urge to grimace. Instead, he smirked, sliding his gun into his belt. He greeted the Largo as smoothly and suavely as possible, "Hey, Pav."
Luigi interjected, "You know him?" He crooked a brow. Now, Luigi was skeptical. How could Pavi know GraveRobber? Pavi twiddled his thumbs, so to speak. With a roll of his eyes, he spoke. "Well-a, one- night-" Luigi clamped his hands over his ears. He also would've covered his eyes if he could, "EW. NOT LISTENING. LA LA LA."
GraveRobber told the truth rather bluntly, "I fucked your sister." Luigi twitched yet again. Must not stab. Must. Not. Stab.His temple pulsated, "'Least it wasn't faggo." Pavi's mouth dropped as he cried out to his own defense. The eldest snickered. GraveRobber chuckled.
"We're-a leaving."
"Good. I was just going to suggest that, dumb ass. This whole damned alley is a fucking cesspool of disease."
"I-a didn't know you-a were afraid of-a germs."
"Pavi! Shut the fuck up!"
"Ask a GENtern-"
"Did I ask you to burst into song?"
"No..."
"Then, don't fucking sing!"
"Okay, Fratello..."
After a few minutes of walking, they arrived to their 'shortcut.' Through the woods, the back of their home became visible. Luigi pointed, "See? It's right there. Only take a few more minutes. If we waited for the damned help to arrive, we could've been stuck their for hours." Pavi nodded with a skeptical look. But I could have been comforted by our darling chaffeur.
To cope, Pavi began to sing, "OH~! Through-a the woods to Papa's house we go!" Luigi punched his brother in the arm, "NO FUCKING SINGING. THAT'S FOR LATER." Whoa ho ho. Luigi ducked over an overhang of brunches. The younger sibling cried out from sheer dismay. Luigi turned around to see Pavi ensnared by branches. It took a moment for Luigi to register the scene. He blinked once more. Paviche flailed, "Rape!"
"Maybe I should just leave you there."
"No! They-a hurt...!"
Luigi sighed, helping his brother out of the mess. Where would the fucktard be without me? He'd be dead. Raped and all. Together, they ducked and weaved their way through the forest. Thorns pricked them every so often. "Ow." "Ow-a." "Ouch." "Ouch-a!"
Crunch. A horrid stench filled their nostrils. They desperately tried to wave off the odor, but it was to no avail. It was... skunk cabbage. It was everywhere.
The Mission Impossible theme song played within their minds. They danced around the bright, green sprouts; though their adventure came to an immediate halt upon seeing a creature rumored to only exist within fairy tales. It was... A unicorn. Fear lingered inside Luigi's green orbs. A bead of sweat trickled down his temple. He didn't flinch nor move a muscle. He was frozen in time. He hoarsely breathed out the words, "What. The. Shit."
"Samantha!" Pavi cried out ecstatically as he ran towards the st- unicorn. Now, Luigi had issues with unicorns. They haunted his dreams throughout his entire childhood. No one would ever learn the true origin of this fear. He would take it to his death.
"What!? You know this crap bucket??" Pavi nodded. He decided to go along 'with it.' Unicorns didn't really exist, right? "In my-a dreams." Luigi coughed, "Yeah. Your wet ones." Pavi shot him a look.
In the end, they decided to walk around the 'unicorn'. Besides, it was too engulfed with consuming a blade of grass. It chewed loudly... like a friggin' cow. Oh. Shovel hates when people chew like that-- Somewhere in the distance, Amber cackled and watched the scene with a pair of binoculars. She owed Pavi a high five.
Finally, they emerged from the woods. Luigi breathed in the fresh(ly polluted) air. Pavi hugged the ground if that were possible. Luigi grumbled, "This way home was worthy of a goddamned movie!"
Pavi gasped effeminately, "Let's-a make a movie together, Fratello!'' Boy, he got distracted easily. Luigi paused in hesitation- or was it skepticism?
"What kind...?"
"Whatever kind you-a want." Wink. Wink. Thrust.
Luigi drew back in disgust, "Ew. You sick fuck! I'm not making a porno with you!" Pavi smiled as he kept his tone nonchalant, "I-a didn't ask-a you to-a but if-a you want-uh..." Luigi bit down on his lip, flailing away.
"Awh. Good night, Brother. Hope you-a dream about some-a unicorns!" Pavi's eyes twinkled with mirth as he ran inside. Luigi huffed, stomping after him.
Yep, it was just your typical way of going home.