Severus Snape tossed his mask onto a nearby table and drug a weary hand over his face. The last two weeks had been some of the hardest of his life and he knew that it was beginning to show. He was slowly cracking and he had no idea how to hold himself together. Once upon a time, he believed the idea of pure blood supremacy, but now he knew the real Voldemort and saw that what the Dark Lord wanted had nothing to do with pure blood ideology. He only wanted power and he would use whatever platform he could to get it. However, there was no going back; Snape had chosen this hell he was living. He chose this over Lily and now must face the consequences.
His thoughts flew to Lily and he dwelt on the things that he could remember- the color of her hair in the sunshine, the way her face lit up when she saw him, the way she bit her thumbnail when she was thinking- a million little things that he would never forget about her although she was now far out of his reach. And because of his actions, she was now much farther than she had ever been. He gripped his hair painfully and likely would have pulled it out by the handfuls if there had not been a knock on his door.
He un-holstered his wand and approached the door. Very few people knew this address and he could not think of a reason any of them would be knocking so early. The knock came again as he approached and his heart stuttered in his chest. It was her knock, their secret knock, the one she always used on his window so that his father would not hear it, the one that let him know she was waiting for him. After everything that happened, he could not believe that she would actually come to see him. It must be a trick or a trap, he would have to tread carefully. Still carefully holding his wand, he cracked open the door to an empty doorway. Severus opened the door wider and glanced around the corner. He closed his eyes in anguish. His thoughts of her must have made him think he heard her knock. He closed the door and leaned his head back against it. He let out a sigh and opened his eyes.
Lily was standing in front of him holding a cloak. Her eyes were puffy and red rimmed. She looked thin and pale. He could tell that she had not slept in days, but she was still the most beautiful woman he knew. He swallowed around the painful lump in his throat and tramped down his emotions, so that he could play his part again.
"Why are you here?" he demanded with his hard eyes locked onto hers.
Her shoulders slumped and she seemed to shrink into herself. "I wish I had a good answer for that. I-I just needed to see you Sev." She looked up at him and he could see her confusion.
"You shouldn't be here, Lily. Go." He reached to open the door but she stepped forward and placed her hand on his arm.
"I know what you did. I know what you did for my family, for my parents."
Her words were like a painful punch to his stomach and he had to close his eyes and look away. Her words brought that night, two weeks pervious, back to the forefront. The memories were vivid and he was still having nightmares about what happened.
He brought his eyes back to hers and with a bite to his voice said, "You have no idea what I did to your family. You should not be here."
"Sev! Stop. Please just listen." She pleaded with him. "I know what you are." Tears were now streaming down her face. "I know that you are one of them and I know that means you do and have done lots of things- things I don't even want to contemplate." She took a shuddering breath and wiped her eyes. "But, I also know that what happened to my parents could have been so much worse. That it should have been so much worse. I got to say good-bye, Sev. I don't know what your role was in what happened, but I know that you would never have hurt my parents." Saying that seemed take the life from her and she collapsed to the ground, wracked with sobs and his heart broke for her and for himself. The Evans family was his family. They were more his parents than the ones he actually had.
That night, that horrible night when the Dark Lord apparated his followers to his next victim's residence, he was stricken. He knew that house- had spent so much of his childhood there. But, there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could do to save them. He, a nineteen year old boy, against the Dark Lord and ten of his most faithful followers, he would die with them. In the few seconds before the attack, he knew that the best thing he could do for them was to keep things from getting out of hand and try to help their deaths be as painless as possible.
Lily was still sitting on the floor, but she was calm. "My dad made it to a hospital, but my mom was dead when we found her. He- he regained consciousness for a few moments and I got to talk to him, and I am so glad for that. For those moments." Her words were like daggers to his heart, pricking at his broken heart, bringing up the pain he was trying so hard to bury. He thought of that night and of lifeless eyes staring up at him. Snape's fist connected with the doorpost with a satisfying crunch. He welcomed the pain and hit the post again and again, hoping the pain in his hand would drown out the pain in his heart. Tears were streaming down his face, when suddenly she was there. She wrapped her arms around him and held him while he got himself under control. He had not been this close to her in years and the smell of her hair and the feel of her arms around his waist was a beautiful agony.
Lily pulled away from him and spoke an incantation; his hand was back to normal. She grabbed it and led him over the sofa. They both sat thinking of loved ones and the war while their tears slowly dried up. Lily heaved a sigh that seemed to come from her soul, it sounded so old and so weary for one so young. He supposed though that neither of them were young anymore, not after the things they had seen. He looked at her and she turned her regretful eyes to his.
"I need to go before James realizes that I have gone." She gestured to the cloak she was holding. "I borrowed this from him. I thought this was the safest way to see you. He wouldn't understand if he knew I was here." She grabbed his hand suddenly and seemed almost frantic. "Come with me Sev! You don't have to be a part of this anymore. We can help you, surely Dumbledore can help you."
Snape looked away and to the ground. He was going to have to cause her more pain, and for that he was sorry. "Lily, I cannot. There is no going back for me now. I chose my side a long time ago. While I may not like the Dark Lord and realize now that he is not who I thought he was, I will remain with him. He will bring stability and strength to our world. We will not be run over by the Muggle world any longer." His shame was great and he knew once he told her the truth there was absolutely no going back. He would never see her face to face again. He was thankful that he had these few moments with her, but now she needed to go. He knew what he was and what he had done, he could not allow himself to hope for anything more. He met her gaze.
"Are you happy with James?" He desperately needed to know that one of them was happy, that one of them had a life worth living.
She gazed at him for a while, contemplating why he was asking her a question that would probably bring him pain. Finally, she answered truthfully. "Yes. I am. He loves me. I love him and we are going to get married."
He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Reminding himself that she had not been his for a very long time. "Good. Lily, go live your life. You need not spare a thought for me. I do not deserve it." He moved to the door and placed his hand on the handle. "You have too much faith in me, Lily. You say that you know what I am, but you do not. I ended the life of your mother. And if I had gotten the opportunity then I would have killed your father also." He swiftly opened the door and gestured for her to leave. She stared at him slack jawed and horrified. It seemed to take a few moments for his words to process in her brain. Her face drained of all color and she looked at him like she had never seen him before. It was one of the worst moments of his life- knowing that she was finally seeing him for who he was, understanding the darkness he was allowing into his life, the darkness that he was living for. She walked up to him with tears brimming in her eyes and her jaw now clenched in fury.
"How could you. How could you?! After everything they did for you! After everything we have shared! How could you hurt them?" She broke on the last word and as a sob escaped her lips, she slapped him across his cheek and threw the cloak over herself disappearing into the night.
He closed the door and stood staring at it, reliving every horrible moment of that night. She did not need to know that he killed her mother to spare her from the hours of rape and torture she would have endured otherwise, or that he would have killed her father to save him from the horrors unleashed upon him. As much as she was a part of the war, she was still sheltered in many respects. She did not need to know what their last hours were like. He would save her that pain by being the villain. And he would be the villain because he loved her and would always.