Title: Desperation
Author: amikara
Fandom: Star Wars -TPM
Rating: PG
Category: Angst
Archive: My site; others ask: darth_amikara@yahoo.com.
Series: Nope
Spoilers: For JA 5
Disclaimers: Lucasfilm Ltd.
Summary: Obi-Wan makes a decision.
Notes and Warnings: at the bottom of the story
Obi-Wan Kenobi closed his eyes as he sat on the floor of his room. He inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself, but he felt he couldn't. Sobs rocked his body, streams of tears running down his cheek. His hands were kneading his Jedi robe as he forced himself to calm.
*I am a Jedi. I have no emotions. I am a Jedi. I have no emotions.* He repeated this words over and over, trying to build a wall around himself, to shut out his desperation. But this wall wouldn't be strong enough.
*I am not worthy of being called a Jedi. I wasn't meant to be a Jedi. He only took me because of pity. He didn't thought me worth being a Jedi. No one did.*
He didn't know where this desperation came from. His world focused on him being a failure. A failure to the Jedi, a failure to his friends, a failure to his Master.
He looked at the letter, but his vision was blurry. A teardrop fell on the paper, trickling off the ink.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes once more and tightened his grip on the rough object he held in his hand.
And then he rose.
***
Qui-Gon Jinn stood before the stone bar which held the lifeless form of his padawan. He watched as the flames licked at his skin, marking it and then devouring him. He watched as the flames slowly turned the body of his padawan into a pile of ashes. Qui-Gon didn't even once gaze into the round of Jedi which had gathered on this occasion. Friends of Obi-Wan, some masters of his classes, even the entire Jedi Council was present. He could feel the sadness that was written on their faces.
Though Qui-Gon's body was in this room, watching the cremation, his mind certainly wasn't. He saw his padawan performing a kata, felt the joy as Obi-Wan defeated his master for the first and only time. He remembered the missions they went on, the dangerous situations they had been in, and the countless times Obi-Wan had saved him. He felt the betrayal as Obi-Wan left him on Melida/Daan, the fear to leave him alone on this planet. Qui-Gon remembered the difficult time they had afterwards, the disapproval of the council, the hostility Obi-Wan had met from other Jedi. But they had gone through that time, together. Or so Qui-Gon believed.
And then he remembered the picture of his padawan hanging from the ceiling of his room, a rope around his throat. Qui-Gon tried to banish this picture out of his mind, but he couldn't. He could only see the image of his dead padawan.
Something tapped on his boot, and as he looked down he saw his old master staring up at him. Qui-Gon looked around and found the chamber empty. Yoda turned and walked away, but stopped at the entrance to wait for him. Qui-Gon stood at the stone bar a few moments longer, staring at it, but then he turned and followed the other Jedi. Qui-Gon didn't know where they were walking, didn't pay any attention to his surroundings, until he found himself in front of the door to his rooms. He keyed in his code, and as the door opened he walked in. He remained standing in the centre of the common room, only as he heard the door sliding shut he fell onto his knees, allowing his emotions to rise up. He buried his head in his hands as heavy sobs escaped his throat. Tears left a wet trace down his cheeks.
He didn't know how much time had passed. It might have been minutes, but it also might have been hours he sat on the floor crying. Only as he felt a small hand on his shoulder he became aware of himself again. He turned his head and master Yoda sat beside him, regarding him quietly, but his eyes revealed the sadness he felt within. Yoda loved Obi-Wan probably as much as Qui-Gon did.
"Why?" Qui-Gon asked, hoping to get an answer from the ancient master. "Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he come to me? I'm supposed to be his master. His mentor. What have I done wrong?"
"Your fault, it was not, Qui-Gon. Chose to leave us, Obi-Wan did a long time ago. Never your fault, it was."
"Then why? Why?!" Qui-Gon's voice rose, desperation becoming obvious. Yoda lowered his eyes and released a sigh. "Know this I do not."
Qui-Gon closed his eyes. He reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a piece of white paper, folded twice. He unfolded it and looked at the letter. It was written with ink, and the handwriting was unmistakably his padawan's.
Qui-Gon read the letter, but the words didn't make any sense to him. Failure.. not worthy.. disappointment.. love you.
"You idiot. You.. idiot." Qui-Gon whispered, and he began to cry again. He crumpled the letter and tossed it away, then lowered his head onto Yoda's lap and let the tears flow from his heart.
End.
Warnings: Character death. Deals with suicide.
Notes: There isn't - and won't be - any background, nor am I going for the easy way. I wrote this immediately after having experienced a similar RL-experience.
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