Just Friends, a harry potter fanfic

It hurt more than it should have done, what he had said. "We're just friends..." Three simple little words, only they weren't. Only they were knives in my heart, and bullets in my lungs, and they were descisive. Conclusive. Certain. You couldn't argue with them, and I couldn't, and that's what hurt the most. Not the incredilous look on his face, not the laugh at the end which said, "Is she crazy? Me, and him? Really?". They all felt like bricks in my chest, weighing me down into oblivion, but they didn't hurt as much as the realisation that my feelings were one sided, and I couldn't talk myself into believing otherwise.

So I did what anyone else would do, I laughed along with him. I smiled and pretended that my heart wasn't shattering into a million pieces, that my dreams weren't being blackened with something worse than even the darkest magic. I lied with my face, and my words, "He's not my type..." and the way I put my hands in my pockets so no one would see how I'd balled them into fists. I lied to him and everyone else there, said words I'd never thought, said the opposite of what I wanted to say in hopes I could convince them. And maybe I did, I know I did, because non of them were looking at me differently. Haven't looked at me differently. But that didn't heal my broken soul.

Then I couldn't drop my pretense, I had to carry it with me to this day. Where I'm sat next to him, still acting like 'just friends', and using every ounce of my self control to not run my hands through his long dark hair. Oh, only two weeks since he'd unknowingly destroyed my very being, but it felt like forever. It felt liked I'd been born again into the life of a phony, lying to the people who knew me best, knew all my dirty little secrets. All but one. All but the one I thought least dangerous, after all how deadly can love really be? Enough to break a friendship made of steel and titanium?

"MOONY!" James yells, drawing me from my trance.

"What? Sorry." I reply, feeling a blush seep into my cheeks.

"I said, it's the spring dance next week. Do you have a date yet?" James asks, far too occupied with his toast to take much notice of my redening face.

"Uh, no. I'm not going." I answer, spooning the last of my cereal into my mouth.

"What! Outrage! Why not?" Sirius shouts, earning himself glares from around the room.

"Because," I say through gritted teeth, lowering my voice considerably, "It's a full moon on the same night, and a werewolf isn't the best date to a dance."

A series of 'oh yeah's and 'right's follow my explanation, and my three best friends exchange guilty glances. It doesn't surprise me that they forgot, the spring formal has been the object of their most frequent thoughts for longer than I've been broken. And I hadn't the heart to tell them the news. Couldn't hurt them like I was hurting, it would be too hard to bear. A burden too big for my scrawny shoulders to carry alone, and too painful to share with another. Watching your best friends happy face drop is too painful to share.

"Maybe we could ask Dumbledore to move it to the week after?" Peter suggests, reaching for what must be his eleventh slice of cheese on toast.

"No. No need to irritate the school for the sake of one boy not being able to go." I counter, reaching for my bag to check I have my Defence Against the Dark Arts homework.

"Uh, four boys." James corrects. I look up out of my bag and frown at him, confused. "You really don't think we'd abandon you on a full moon for some dance, do you Moony?"

"Don't be ridiculus, Prongs. You've talked about nothing but this stupid dance for weeks! You can't just not go because of me!" I protest, my voice raising.

"Quiet down, both of you. Someone'll hear at this rate." Sirius whispers sharply, looking around in paranoia.

"You three are going to the dance, and I'm going to the shack. Wormtail is going to spend the whole night making out with his girlfriend, Prongs is going to hopelessly try to get Lily to dance with him and Pads'll flirt with anything with a pulse. Then, the next day when I'm in the hospital wing, you can all come and tell me stories about how amazing it all was, to cheer me up." I explain descisively. My fellow Maruaders stare at me, clearly deciding who'll protest first, so I add, "I'll be fine!" With that, I stand up and exit the hall.

"Mooooonyyyyyy!" Sirius moaned, kicking me from where he was sprawled across 'his' sofa in the common room, "Pleeeeease! Please let me copy your homework this one time! Please!"

"Well it won't be the first time you've copied my homework. And besides, we had a week to do it, what were you doing the whole time?" I ask, not looking up from my copy of The Many Brave Tales of Ignavi Militis.

"Quidditch practice with prongs!" Sirius whines, like playing quidditch was an apt excuse.

"You and I both know that James Potter does not need help with Quidditch!" I protest, finally looking up and into Sirius's grey eyes.

His eyes are one of the things that attract me to him most. A deep grey, with hints of blue around his pupil. Soft and gentle, but able to turn harsh and accusing in seconds. The way they crinkle together when he laughs or smiles widely. Another thing I like about him is his long dark hair, his pride and joy. I would love to run my hands through its silky length, and play with it idly whilst we lay together.

But it's his personality, above all else, that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him. He's witty. Intelligent. Friendly. And, despite what he'd have people believe, he's incredibly kind. And all of those things, along with his body which looks as though it was sculpted by the God's themselves, make me want to cry. Because we are 'just friends', and just friends aren't supposed to notice those things, and sure as hell aren't supposed to fall in love with those things.

"Ok, maybe I lied," Sirius sighed, "But please don't let me fail charms."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"That."

"What?"

"Don't try and make me feel guilty because you didn't do the homework." I say, putting my book on the table next to me more forcefully than I had intended to.

"Come on Moony, please! Do you want me to get on my hands and knees and beg for you-" 'Just friends' definately wouldn't think dirty thoughts at this sentance-"to help me?"

I sigh and Sirius knows he's won. I can tell by the elated grin on his face, the way his scarlet lips curve perfectly. Beautifully. And I have to look away and remind myself that this is Sirius and that we are 'just friends', because otherwise I might do something I'll regret later. Otherwise I might scare Sirius away, and having him as a friend-torturous as it may be-is far better than not being able to talk to him. Make him laugh. Laugh with him. Better than not being able to check that my more-than-just-friends is okay, even if that's all I can do.

"I'll go get my notes." I say, getting up from my chair and grabbing my book.

I dash up the spiralling staircase, up to the boys dorms. I remember the first time I walked these stairs. I hadn't met James and Sirius, and Peter was just some chubby kid in my house. I would never have predicted that we'd grow to be so close. When I walked into my room and saw them all there, saw that I would be sleeping in a room with other people, I knew life was going to be hard. I begged and pleaded with Dumbledore, urging him to let me have a room of my own, all the while trying my hardest not to let slip my secret.

Then we became friends. Good friends, and it was hard to keep making excuses as to why I'd vanish once a month for a night, and come back the next day battered and bruised. Dumbledore guessed what was wrong, told me that I should have just been honest with him. But my twelve year old self had spent so long keeping my dark 'other self' secret, that telling had never seemed like an option. Dumbledore suggested that I tell the others, said they'd understand, said they'd help. And, because Dumbledore is the greatest wizard known to man, and because I trusted him with even more than my life, I took his advice. I remember the day I told them vividly.

"I-I'm a, uh, a, uh, w-were" Breathe Remus, just remember to breathe. These are your best friends, you can tell them this! "I'm a werewolf." Oh no, they're shocked. What do I do, what do I do? "I was bitten by Fenrir Greyback as a child, as revenge against my father." They're looking at each other, oh Gods what does that look mean? Are they going to tell? Are they going to 'out' me? Do they hate me? "So, uh..." Articulate you half-breed moronic idiot!

"Okay." Okay? Sirius Black, what do you mean okay, what about this is okay.

"You aren't going to have me kicked out?" What is happening! What is happening!

"Of course we're not going to have you kicked out, why on earth would we do that?"

"I'm a monster?"

"You're being dramatic. You fold your socks, Remus. Forgive me if I'm not trembling at the sight of you." Okay, Remus. You can breathe now!

It was Sirius' idea for them to become animangi, he said it might help me with the transformations if there are other animals there. He was right. It did. And from that we became the Marauders, infamous pranksters and best friends. We knew all of each other's secrets. Well, almost all.

I grab the notes from inside a draw at the side of my bed, and hurry back down the stairs. Out of habit, I count them, only to find there are in fact the exact same number as the last time I did. I step back into the common room and see Sirius still on 'his' sofa, only this time he isn't alone. This time he's with some blonde, with her top buttons mostly undone, her tie around her wrist, and her tongue so far down his throat it'll probably be poking out his arse. And, not for this fist time, my heart breaks into a million tiny little pieces.

"Honestly, Remus, why don't you just tell them! They already know worse!" Lily, the only other person in the entire school to know all about my dirty laundry, asks as we complete our charms homework together.

"Because," I hiss, "I can't just round them up and say, 'so I'm gay, and also Sirius, I've been madly in love with you for the past two years'. This is totally different to the other thing!"

"Maybe in the muggle world you'd be shunned and told to 'find Jesus'. But things are different in the wizarding world. It's legal for two people of the same sex to get married. I mean, it's legal for, like, eight people to get married in the wizarding world." Lily replies in a loud whisper, careful not to upset the librarian. "This is just another one of those things you can't change about yourself, and another thing they'll accept."

"Yeah, and what about Sirius. He's playing tonsil tennis with Pandora, they can't get enough of each other!" I remind, trying not to let too much bitterness seep its way into my voice.

"Looney Pandora? The girl who ended up in the hospital wing for a month last year, because she was experimenting with the crutiatous curse?" Lily asks, frowning.

"He's not exactly picky." I say, knowing full well that I sound extremely jealous, "If it's got breasts, he'll...do it." And I add in a mumble, "Shame he doesn't have a similar feelings towards his homework." So Lily hits me with her book.

I run to the shack, through what will hopefully be the last of the winter downpour, as fast as possible, hoping to avoid all other humans. When I get there, I dodge a protesting branch that swings down from the Whomping Willow, and slide through the tunnel into the main room. In human form, it looks dingy and wrecked, but when my 'other self' takes over, it'll look like the bloody Holy Grial!

I sit on the torn sofa, and try to get as comfortable as possible, but my whole body aches. The change will happen soon. It isn't unfamiliar, being in the shack alone. I always plead that the others don't see me change. It's grotesque and unattractive, and it is my greatest wish that no one should ever see me in that half human-half wolf state, the point of no return.

Down the tunnel I can hear movement, the sound of someone who hasn't been down it before. I hide quickly, in a panic. If I change whilst they're still here, there's no telling what I'll do. And, I won't even remember it in the morning.

From my place in an old cabinet, one hollow inside that Dumbledore gave us in case we wanted to play Hide and Seek-which we never do-I can see a boy. He has long, dark greasy hair, and eyes that lack feeling. And Green embroidary on his tie and robes. Snape?

Behind him, I can hear another person coming. And a haunting melody of no no no no no is tearing through my brian like nothing I've ever felt before. Turn around! Go to the ball! Go anywhere but here! But they can't hear my thoughts, not matter how loud they sound in my head. But I can't reveal myself, he can't know my secret. I pray to whatever God that he'll leave. But I don't belive in God, and anyway, if there was ever a sinner they'd be a whole lot like me!

"Snivellous?" I hear, and maybe I'm so far into my transformation that I'm hearing things, but it sounds so much like Sirius. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same?" Snape replies, his voice cool and unfeeling, like his eyes.

"I saw you dissapear into the whomping willow, I thought I'd come find out why. You go." Sirius says, coming into the light. He's here! He came! He could be my salvation! I could kiss him for reasons other than me being hopelessly in love with him! Though, no matter the reason, I know I won't.

"I saw the tunnel, wanted to see what was down here." Snape says, and he sounds suspicious, even though I know for certain that it is Sirius who uses the shack for his own purposes. "I guess I'll be going now."

He leaves. He goes. Doesn't even look back to check if Sirius is following him. But Sirius does, he follows him into the tunnel, and all I can think is that he really did just follow Snape here. And if my heart wasn't already shattered, it would break again.

I step out into the now deserted room, and fall back onto the sofa. It's torn and tired, and probably broken, and I can't help but feel it's like a sick metaphor, or a mirror of my own feelings. I close my eyes as I feel my transformation coming. A painful heat spreads through my body, and despite the chilly night, I slip off my jacket to cool down. I close my ears to the sounds around me, because everything is painfully heightened. I try not to breathe through my nose for similar reasons.

"Moony?" Sirius's voice calls out, and I feel I tap on my shoulder.

My eyes snap open, and I can tell my iris' have turned yellow from the eeiry glow of everything around me. "What are you doing here?" I ask, but my words jumble and syllyballs string out, distorting the question considerably.

"Prongs and Wormtail are at the dance, but I couldn't bare the thought of you in this place alone!" Sirius replies, his words sound careful, strategic.

It's easy to like a werewolf when he's a man, or you're an animal. But when he's and animal and you're a man? Whether he folds his socks or not is irrelivent, he won't remember anyway, but his harmless nature will peel away like a banana skin. And all that's left is a monster. A monster who wouldn't even remember the man he loves, and would kill him without a second thought.

I shoot Sirius one last pleade of, don't see this. Don't see me like this. Don't watch me change, I can't bare the thought of you knowing how revolting I look! Before I forget everything, and my 'other self' takes over.

"She kissed me!" James says excitedly the next day.

The hospital wing bed feels uncomfortable under my bruised side, but I can't miss the look of pure bliss on James' face. He looks like a child in Honeydukes, and I can't help but feel happy too! If upsetting your friends is a burden, then seeing them happy is worth more than all the gold in the world.

"About bloody time!" Sirius says.

He's in far better condition than I am, and I scolded him for whatever stupid thing he let me do alone the night before. He just laughed at me, and said in a teasing voice that he'd buy me a cabinet if it would make me feel better. I threw my pillow at him in reply, which turned out to be counter productive as it only made my side hurt more.

"Yeah Prongs, you've been after her for, what? Two years now? Little bit sad isn't it?" Peter says, and I can't ignore how he could just as easily be saying that to me.

"Alright boys, don't you all have lessons to go to? He'll still be here when you get back." The school healer-who's name nobody bothered to learn-says calmly, walking over with a vile of something that looks as though it has nuclear properties.

"Bye Moony, don't touch any cabinets whilst we're gone" Sirius calls over his shoulder as he leaves the room, and I try my hardest to glare at him with a split lip and black eye.

"You boys keep Dalla, the potions mistress, in business!" The healer exclaims placing the vile on the table next to my bed, "Don't smell it, don't look at it, don't even taste it. Just swallow. You'll feel better."

"...He was doing some wierd dance on the cabinet! Looked like a mating ritual!" Sirius exclaims between laughs to Peter and James, clearly not noticing me enter the room. "Then, he falls of it!"

"So that's how I got the big bloody bruise!" I say, walking over and slapping Sirius on the back of his head. "Thanks for letting me break a rib!"

"You broke a rib?" Peter asks seriously.

"Well, no, but I nearly did!" I say, and they all laugh. "I'm going to bed."

"Moony." Sirius calls, following me.

"Yeah?" I reply flattening myself against the wall to let a few first years pass me on the stairs.

"Do you want to do our potions homework tomorow?" Sirius asks, "The one Slughorn set us about amortentia?"

"Oh." I say, hoping not to sound too dissapointed, "Okay then." I don't hear what he says next, I'm too busy hurrying up the stairs and urging myself not to cry out of anger.

The corridor smells of something unfamiliar as Sirius and I leave the Library. We'd agreed to work there, the best place to reasearch a potion, he'd said. And I'd said yes, because the library was like me second home-after Hogwarts, and far above my actual house. So I knew I wouldn't be too nervous there, as often was the case when Sirius and I spent time together.

"Pandora may be freakish, but she's a great kisser!" Sirius says, breaking the silence as we walk back to the common room. "We went on a date the other night, we were supposed to go flying. But we spent the whole time making out instead, and let me tell you-"

"I don't want to hear about you making out with some girl." I intterupt, hoping he won't notice the edge to my voice, or that I've balled my hands into fists.

"Woah, okay." He says, frowning at me. "Don't talk about the date. Got it."

We at the end of the corridor when Sirius speaks again, "Are you okay, Moony?" He asks, and out of the corner of my eye I can see him studying me.

"I'm fine." I reply as calmly as I can, "It's been a rough week." A guilty feeling settles in my chest as I lie to him, something I've been doing a lot lately.

"No, there's something else. Something you're not telling us." Sirius presses, grabbing my arm to spin me and face him. "Well? What is it?"

"I said-"

"That's a load of rubbish and you know it. You're never like this after a full moon. You just eat a lot of chocolate and read twice as much. You don't turn into the flipping Grinch! And yes I know that it's a kids book, but Dr Suess is a genius! What's really wrong?" Sirius asks, raising his voice.

I look him in the eye, dead in the eye. His grey searching my green, , like the answer will magically appear in my pupils. I think of all the times I've looked him in the eyes before, and felt nothing. Then, fourteen year old me see's him without a top on and bam! I realise I'm gay! It's not like I didn't have my suspitions, I was never interested in girls. I figured I was a late bloomer, at least that's what Mum used to say if ever I mentioned it to her. In that moment though, I knew. I just liked guys instead.

I figured that the thing with Sirius was just an epiphany. A message from some greater being that said Hey dude, you get to be a gay werewolf nerd! Have fun little buddy! So I told Lily. She's smart and a good friend, and she knew everything else anyway. What's one more secret? And she was fine with it, is fine with it. And things were starting to get better before I realised hey, wait, I still want to sleep with my best friend! Ladie-flipping-da! An extra screw you! Brilliant! From then on, I felt the heat of a million suns, and the wightlessness of a cloud whenever I looked into those stunning grey eyes.

"Moony!" Sirius shouts, bringing me back to earth. "Remus, you're starting to scare me here? What could be so bad that you don't want to tell me, at least? I thought we were best friends?"

"You really want to know?" I spit.

"Kind of why I'm asking!" Sirius shouts back.

"Well I'm a werewolf for one thing, my parents think I'm a monster and make me stay at school for the holidays, I'm the 'boring' one of my friends group and what else? Oh yeah, I'm also a raging homosexual who's in love with my best friend! So I do appologise if I'm not happy fricking Larry!" I say in a loud whisper, shaking his hand off my arm and leaving him shocked in my wake.

I'm already in bed when the others walk through the room door. I can't tell if Sirius has told them or not, and I'm not looking forward to finding out. They're having a whispered discussion, and I don't know if it's because they think I'm alseep, or because it's about me. My question is answered when I hear Peter whisper rather loudly, "Gay?", and the others shush him.

"Yes." Sirius replies, "his exact words were 'raging homosexual'. And how many homosexuals do you know who aren't gay?"

Despite my aggrivation towards Sirius, I am thankful for him not mentioning my crush. This thanks is revoked when I hear James say, "And he likes you? As more than a friend?"

"Yes. 'Raging homosexual who's in love with his best friend'." Sirius concludes.

"Wow. So, do you think his amorentia smells like you? Because that would be ironic given what the homework was." James jokes.

I can practically hear Sirius glare at him before walking over to the other side of the room. I hear bed springs and curtains being dragged across the pole. Peter and James are laughing at something one of them said, and then I hear them climb into their own beds, and I'm left being the only one concious. The only one who's mind is racing with thoughts, all the alternate possibilities. How are they going to act tommorrow?

Somehow I managed to sleep that night, but I'm still exhausted te next day. My plan is to just avoid my maybe-best-friends, loiter around Lily. She, however thinks that this is an attrocious idea, and should face my problems head on. Yeah, that's going to happen! I die a little more inside when I think about how Sirius had told them, had he been disgusted? Did they all want nothing more to do with me? None of them had approached me in the days following? Was this my life now? Hiding in the library, trying to avoid them? The Marauders destroyed by one of their own! Who would have thought it?

"Remus?" I hear Sirius whisper as he walks swiftly around a shelf to face me.

"Hi." I choke.

Despite everything, despite it all, I still love him. My heart still beats faster when he's around. I can feel myself blushing just thinking about these things. There he is, and he probably hates me, but all I can think about is what it would be like to kiss him. Would his lips be soft? Would he be gentle? Or would he shove his tongue down my throat like he does with Pandora? Would he push me away and call me all the names under the sun?

"Hey." He replies softly. He's not looking at me like I'm something nasty he's just stood on, which is a good thing. Right?

"Um, what do you want?" I manage to say without choking.

"Can we take a walk? Please." He asks, nodding over his shoulder to the door.

I nod before following him out. I try to focus on my breathing, and how many steps I'm taking, rather than all the thoughts running through my head. Is this a prank? Is someone going to jump out and do something unthinkable to me? Are we going to Dumbledore's office? Are they kicking me out of the room? Why does he want to 'take a walk'?

We reach a deserted corridor, where he turns to face me. Oh God, it was the first one! I'm going to die! They hate me, and they're going to kill me. And they're letting Sirius do it because it's him I'm in love with! And it's all over now. Whatever friendship we once shared is gone, and all that's left is the hatred that will ultimately lead to my demise!

"So, you're in love with me?" Sirius asks, avoiding my eye.

"Uh, yeah." I reply, then think screw it and add, "For two years now, actually."

"Right." He replies, mostly to himself.

The next thing I know I'm being pressed against the wall, and my eyes are squeezed shut. I brace myself for what's going to happen next. His lips on mine make me open my eyes, mainly in shock. His hands are on the side of my head, holding it in place, and his body is pressed flat against mine. Once I realise what's happening, I begin to kiss back hungrily. If this is some sick joke, and he's going to pull away and yell in my face, then I'm going to make the most of this.

He pulls away too soon, and we're both breathless. But he keeps one hand on my face, and doesn't move his knee from between my legs. He grins at me, looking at me through his eyelashes. I so want to kiss him again, to feel his soft lips on mine as he kisses me greedily. I've never felt beautiful before, until I kised him. I felt like he wanted me, like I meant something. Like maybe I still do. It's only now that I realise niether of us have said anything in a while.

"I, uh, I, uh...thank you?" I manage to stutter and mentaly curse my own idiocy. Thank you really? The best I could come up with!

"I think I'm in love." Sirius laughs into my neck, causing vibrations on my pulse. "Thank you, he says!"

"Sorry, that was stupid." I say grinning too, hyper-aware of what he'd just said.

He pulls away from my neck and looks me dead in the eye, "I am in love." he says, nearly a whisper, "With you."

My breathe catches in my throat, and the only thing I can think to do is kiss him again. Until there's no breath left in our bodies, and we might pass out. His hands move down my body to my hips, and he moves impossibly closer. He pulls his lips from mine, and leaves wet open mouthed kisses on my throat, making my moan despite myself. His hands wander lower and I realise what he wants. What I think I want.

"I've, uh, never done that before." I say in a whisper, embaressed, "With a boy or girl."

"It's okay." Sirius whispers back, and I belive him, "I'll be gentle." He says before his hand dissapears into my robe.

At some point just before it all, Sirius and I made our way back to our room, and now we're lais on his bed. Our bodies are just as tangled as the sheets, my head on his chest, I can feel his hear beating hard. All I can think is, I did that to him. Me!

"Tonight when all I can smell on my sheets is you, I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep my hands to myself tomorrow." Sirius whispers, and I can hear him grin.

"I won't complain." I reply, my mouth stretched into a smile as well, "And Amortentia does smell like you, just so you know. Well, wet dog, but I don't know any others. So..."

"Ugh, you heard?" Sirius cringes. I nod and he continues, "Figures. I'm sorry I didn't tell you then that I felt the same way, and I'm sorry I outed you. Things were just complicated. I had Pandora, who's great, but I always wanted more from you. And I was confusd so I tried to ignore it, but I got to thinking that night and yeah, I think to myself, I do love him. Then you were ignoring me, and I couldn't cope! So I ended things with Pandora, told Prongs and Wormtail how I felt, then rushed to the library to confess my undying love for-"

Before Sirius can finish his sentance, the door opens, and I can hear laughing. Sirius and I sit up so fast I nearly get whiplash. My eyes are wide, and through them I can see James and Peter staring at us, shocked expressions on their faces. Sirius groans and falls back onto the bed, and I cover my face with my eyes. Our clothes are strewn everywhere, and the room smells of sex, and now they're there. Will anything ever go right for me...

So, just a few things I want to say.

I have posted this before, but then deleted it by mistake. This is one of the things I've written that I'm most proud of.

I only own the plot and one character, the rest belong to J K Rowling and her team of genius's that made the Harry Potter series possible.

Please review this! I know it's probably not the most incredible thing you've ever read, but I just want to know how to improve my writing, and what I'm doing right.

I am currently re-writing this, though from Sirius' point of view so watch this space!

Thank you for reading!